From oracle-request Fri Jun 11 08:16:12 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA19215; Fri, 11 Jun 1993 08:16:12 -0500 Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 08:16:12 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #568 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 568 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #568 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 08:16:12 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 568 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 563 57 votes 18mbf 5br86 djf82 7mj90 ta594 cgi65 8ehc6 kj891 8cgh4 48pe6 563 2.7 mean 3.5 3.0 2.4 2.5 2.1 2.6 2.9 2.2 2.9 3.2 --- 568-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Top Ten List Time! What are the ten most unpopular subjects for top > ten lists? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top ten list of the most unpopular subjects for top ten lists: } } 10. best dreams you never had } 9. colors of the sky } 8. favorite medieval torture instruments } 7. most uncommon parachute malfunctions } 6. top ten electric chair manufacturers } 5. favorite intestinal parasite } 4. best times to crash your computer } 3. worst places to get a thorn stuck in you } 2. best places to get bitten by sharks } 1. most unpopular subjects for top ten lists } } And the most *popular* subject: top ten list of things to give the } Oracle. You owe the Oracle #1 (the universe). --- 568-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose pick-up lines are so smooth that, were they a > floor-covering, nor even the most agile cat in the world could stay > upright on them (at least, when Lisa's not around), I was wondering, > Let's say I was talking to this beautiful young woman--chatting > her up, as it were. Unfortunately, I wasn't quite listening closely > enough when she mentioned her anme, because I was checking out her > body. Now, along comes my ex-girlfriend, who (IMHO) is also very > attractive, and (smelling a chance to make trouble) gives me a big > hug and kiss, and then asks to be introduced. What should I have done, > instead of the exceedingly humiliating events that occurred? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For the sake of clarity, let's call your new spark Agatha, your old } flame Hattie, and your charred remains Toby. } } Hattie: Why, Toby, who is this *charming* young lady you are taking } to? } } Toby: O my lotus flower who grows on a hillside! [Kisses Hattie } again] } } Agatha: Well, I see now that I am redundant, so -- } } Toby: No! Don't go, O rain who causes the desert flower to blossom! } } Agatha: Why, Toby! } } Toby: No! Don't call me Toby; call me Deer Who Runs Through the } Forest in Search of a Meadow to Call Home! Lotus Flower Who Grows on } a Hillside, this is Rain that Causes the Desert Flower to Blossom. } Rain that Causes the Desert Flower to Blossom, meet Lotus Flower Who } Grows on A Hillside. } } Hattie: You can call me "Lote." } } Agatha: Oh, I get it! You were so busy staring at my body that you } don't even care what my name is! [Slaps Toby on the cheek hard enough } to knock a few teeth out. Leaves in a huff.] } } Hattie: So this is how you get your jollies nowdays, huh? [Knees } Toby in the groin. This wouldn't have hurt so much if Hattie hadn't } been wearing her spiked skirt. Leaves in a huff.] } } Well, I know it leaves a bit to be desired, but, hey! It's better } than what actually happened, isn't it? } } You owe the Oracle a butterfly who flits through the garden of peace } and tranquility. Mine is getting worn. --- 568-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, > > Does the sun ever shine in Terre Haute, IN? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course not. The elevation is above the level at which } Phoebus drives his golden chariot, and therefore Terre Haute } ( French for "high ground" ) suffers from a permanent } self-eclipse of the sun. } } When your friends tell you to stick it "where the Sun never } shines," Terre Haute is where they mean. --- 568-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the name of my wife? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is the problem with you humans, you see everything so one-sidedly. } You'll probably be content calling her Greta for the rest of your } lives, when instead you can get her all exited if you called her "Love } Mittens" or "Pleasure Squigglies" or "Leather Mistress Mama." Instead } every night it'll be "Goodnight Greta, sleep well, Greta." Well no } wonder she always has a headache! If you said "Goodnight, you Hot } Seething Nest of Womanly Rapture," then maybe the spark would be back } in your marriage. But instead, you call her by her boring mundane name, } and then you even forget what it is and ask me! Try out some new name } on her, and see what comes of it. You may be surprised. } } P.S. Don't use "Rancid Peanut Oil Breath" or "Slug Pee." } } You owe the Oracle a billion dollars. --- 568-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whenever I fill a beer bottle with shiny black snakes and mail it to > Detroit, I get this very strange and unpleasant tingling sensation in > my left big toe. Any idea why this happens? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle ponders for a minute, looking at the supplicant's strange } and seemingly incoherent question. } } "I wonder," he says, then fades off. } } Switching to a different terminal, he types in a short mail message, } sends it, then taps his foot impatently until it returns. } } The message is anonymous, and even lacks a path trace. It consists of } one line: 'In case of Snakebite, call Mr. Urce.' } } "Dammit," he mutters, "who the hell is Urce? And how am I supposed to } call him?" } } He taps a few more lines on the terminal. A hundred thousand names } swim by. } } "I'm not calling every Urce in the book... why didn't they give me a } phone number? Bloody paranoid bastards... if they want my help, they } should trust..." } } He looks at the message again. } } "Phone number? Urce? U. R. C. E. Maybe... Hmm. U is 0x55, R is } 0x52... 55-52-43-45? 555-2434? Those are fake numbers used on } television... I wonder." } } The Oracle picks up a phone and dials. } } } } "Snakebites." } } } } "Um, extension... 5?" } } } } Pause. } } } } The Oracle snaps his fingers in glee. "Yes. I'd like to report a } snakebite." } } } } "Yes. Shiny black snakes." } } } } "No, but I have an e-mail address. It's xxxx@Xxxxxxx.Xxxxx.XXX" } } } } The line goes dead. The Oracle leans back in his chair, knowing that } he did his part. } * * * } } MYSTERIOUS MURDER STILL BAFFLES POLICE } } Police are still scratching their heads } over yesterday's murder of a disturbed } man. } } "Well," said Police Chief Goetz, "I } can't figure it out. He had no enemies, } except if you count the Detroit Post } Office, which had been receiving daily } shipments of squirming black snakes } placed in beer bottles." } } The victim, says friends and neighbors, } did this to make his toes tingle, which } he found unpleasant, which made many } wonder why he kept doing it. } } "He was just a harmless eccentric," } remarked one neighbor, who wished to } remain anonymous. } } What is most puzzling about the case is } the way the victim was killed. } } "He was literally smothered in layers of } postage stamps. A horribly sticky way } to go," said Goetz. } } Remember kids: Don't mess with the Post Office Intelligence Agency. } } You owe the Oracle a a beer bottle filled with shiny black snakes. --- 568-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Delightful and delectable Oracle, how many supplicants does it take > to change a lightbulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only one; the problem is someone within a few days unscrews the new one } and hands it back to him. } } } } You owe the Oracle a slot on The Tonight Show with David Letterman. } (You may have to enter an alternate universe to do that.) --- 568-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much egg could an eggplant plant if an eggplant could plant egg? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An eggplant would plant Chuck while Chuck chucks wood to a woodchuck } chucking eggs. Eggs chucking woodchucks to eggplants would plant eggs, } Chuck. Would Chuck upchuck eggs? Chuck would upchuck eggplant and plant } eggs in woodchuck upchuck if a woodchuck would upchuck in an eggplant } plant. Would eggs plant Chuck? Chuck planted his chucks in the wood and } chucked plants at eggs the woodchuck chucked, but the woodchuck planted } Chuck's eggs in Chuck upchuck, and Chuck eggplants would chuck Chuck if } Chuck planted Chuck eggplants, but the woodchuck planted Chuck } eggplants, so Chuck eggplants would chuck the woodchuck. Chuck ducked. } The woodchuck was chucked into Chuck, but since Chuck ducked, Chuck } eggplants chucked the woodchuck into a wood chuck, and the woodchuck } was chucked like wood in the woodchuck, and Chuck won. Then end. Leave } me alone! --- 568-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is IBM going down the tubes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the EPA kept it out of the sewer system. --- 568-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > renruT deT a naht neve rehtraf sechaer modsiw esohw ,elcarO ythgiM O > efas yllatnemnorivne na ekil senihs ecneloveneb esohw ,krowten elbac > :lliw uoy fi ,tnacilppuS elbmuh siht ,em llet ,pmal cra negolah > > od ot gnihtyna evah ti seoD ?ddo os mees em dnuora gnihtyreve seod yhW > ?deb eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu gnitteg ym htiw > > ,sruoY ylbmuH > tnacilppuS .A And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TsittaaeaeetpltfaevnpYertesgrnrlelneiarwbewhhtpderieoset } hwehtntqliEeeeipbletaoakrbtekomirotlnsloeriethwnrstbmeto } eeseettueniicqorlaqucuqiaurqhcIceooogseurstrbeooeehoYean } arimrieintnniunoytumesusntauahfetktoghfleehiututvdtto?f. } nlna-mrvchssaaobriasseasganasaAwoihkletdvdtgtolbewhtuGu } } You owe the Oracle a Klein bottle that doesn't leak. --- 568-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is there a dead bishop on the landing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } God: Knight to a seedy casino in Morocco. Check. } Satan: Bull! That knight wasn't there before! You moved it when I } wasn't looking! } God: Did not! } Satan: Did SO! } God: Did not times infinity. } Satan: Oh, okay. Bishop to downtown Moscow. That blocks it. Nyah. } God: That bishop was in Colorado before! } Satan: So? } God: You can't move a bishop from a white square to a Red Square! } Satan: Oh, curses! I can't get ANYTHING by you! } God: Just move, will ya? } Satan: Bishop to the landing behind an apartment building in Fresno. } God: Ah! Rook captures bishop on the landing. Checkmate! } Satan: Ah, spit. You win again. Man. How many does that make for you? } God: Hmmm...forces of Good - 1,979,231,741 , forces of Evil - } 1,979,104,002. } Satan: I can still catch up. Set 'em up, freak. } } Meanwhile, behind an apartment building in Fresno, California, Bishop } Ned, after buzzing the doorbell of his friend in 787B and receiving no } answer, climbs the fire escape to the seventh floor, and peers into the } back window. Suddenly, a black bird swoops down from nowhere, and } begins to attack the bishop violently. Bishop Ned flails his arms } wildly in self-defense, but to no avail - the bird pecks his eyes out, } and leaves him dead on the landing. } } The man in 786A, two doors down, does not arrive to aid the bishop in } time (seven hours later, actually). His eyes behold the terrible, } puzzling sight, and he is stricken with fear and confusion. He sits } down at his computer and writes the Oracle, asking "Why is there a dead } bishop on the landing?" } } He receives a reply. } "God: Knight to a seedy casino in Morocco. Check." } "Satan: Bull!......."