From oracle-request Tue Jul 20 11:04:14 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA08003; Tue, 20 Jul 1993 11:04:14 -0500 Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1993 11:04:14 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #577 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 577 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #577 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1993 11:04:14 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 577 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 572 64 votes 9ima5 06nr8 57nn6 mnd42 3lng1 1cqeb 9dpd4 7doe6 clja2 3irc4 572 2.9 mean 2.8 3.6 3.3 2.1 2.9 3.3 2.8 3.0 2.5 2.9 --- 577-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise and virtuous oracle whose brain is trim and like the steelest > of traps, tell me, could I trim off my unnecessary brain cells through > a strict schedule of incessant t.v. viewing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh yes, there's no business like show business when it comes to } reducing that ugly gray matter. Used in conjunction with an } appropriate dietary plan, you can take years off your brain's life, } dozens of points off your IQ, and even irreversibly loosen your grasp } on reality. } } But you have to Act Now! Don't delay, because knowledge has a nasty } way of seeping into your mind, and only severe and repeated doses of } tubeotherapy can prevent that. So awa-a-a-y we go! } } Saturday: Cartoons, of course, but nothing so intellectually } challenging as Tom & Jerry. For the best in totally vacuous viewing, } you want mind-numbing classics with poor animation like Space Ghost, } Bird Man, and SuperFriends ("form of... a bowl of onion jello!"). Whip } up a tasty cheese-puff omelet, and get set for an afternoon with the } Smurfs, GummiBears, and the Wacky Racers; it's gonna be a lo-o-ong day, } and you'll need all the empty calories you can get. (Warning: some } shows should be taken in small doses if you're at all diabetic.) } } Sunday: There's nothing to beat the brainstem like those morning } yakkity-yak shows. However, to avoid any chance (however slight) that } those talking heads might impart any shred of knowledge, you should } watch them with the sound off as you listen to the soothing sounds of } Zamfir, Master of the Pan Pipes, or perhaps Eva Gabor Does Rap! } Power-chug a couple of bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs to keep } your strength up. } } Monday: Calmly call your boss (or professor, as the case may be), } start to explain that you're being held at gunpoint at a post office, } and hang up in the middle of a sentence; that will keep them too busy } to bother you. You, supplicant, are entering Phase II and are YOU in } luck: TNT will be airing its Jerry Lewis Marathon for twelve... } straight... hours. For maximum exposure, have a port-a-potty installed } near the TV; you won't want to miss a single slapstick minute. Since } you'll soon lose the ability to operate simple appliances like the } microwave, prepare several helpings of chipped Spam in cocktail sauce } well in advance. } } Tuesday: If anyone calls, tell 'em your boat sank, or your horse threw } a shoe. It won't matter... because your bloodshot, sunken eyes will be } feasting on Gilligan, Sea Monkeys, and (by special arrangement) seven } hours of That Girl, followed by I Love Lucy. Don't worry that you can } no longer stand upright; you only need shamble between the TV and the } fridge. } } Wednesday: It's Phase III, and you're doing just fine. Eh? No, no, } *many* species get by without using opposable thumbs; you don't need } 'em to operate the remote, anyway, and you can just graze on the } houseplants when you get hungry. Right after McHale's Navy, catch a } couple hours of the Home Shopping Channel. Later, "Nick at Night" will } treat you to "Scooby-Do Meets the Honeymooners" -- don't miss it! } } Wenzday: by now truble unnrstan simpl sntnc bzzzz whrrrrr } hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ..... } } Uhhh, supplicant? Supplicant? Hmmm. Somebody prop him up, or he'll } miss "The Best of The Gong Show"... and see that he sends me a copy of } Flowers for Algernon -- and the Unabridged Ren & Stimpy Collection. --- 577-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Friendly Oracle, whose excellent taste is famous far beyond the > seacoast of Indiana, please tell me the difference between the various > kinds of German wines. There's Kabinett, Spaetlese, Auslese, Eiswein, > Liebfraumilch, Inhaltsverziechnis, and Allerechtevorbehalten, and lots > more strange terms that confuse me. An explanation would be most > helpful. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } German wines adhere to very strict labelling standards, because a } country that is so clean and proper in every way would never, ever } do such a thing as put sugar water or wood alcohol in their wines, } the way those lazy Spanish and Italians do, and the way the Turks } probably would if they could even grow wine in their miserable } rocky country that they all want to escape from so they can go on } the dole in Berlin... } } Ahem. Sorry. As for your question. } } There are two things to pay attention to on a German wine label, } the appellation and the quality mark. The appellation is merely } the region the wine came from, for example the Rhine or Mosel river } valleys. You can use this information to evaluate the soil from } which the wine was produced. Any German embassy in your country } is required by law to ship you a soil sample from the viniculture } region of your choice if you send them a self-addressed envelope } along with a plasticine bag. } } There are many quality marks. These are strict grades of the care } with which your wine was prepared. Their meanings are as follows. } } Tafelwein: The lowest grade, used when you wish to drink } someone under the table. } } Kabinett: A wine to keep in your cabinet because you would } be embarrassed if your guests saw the label. Serve } it from a carafe. } } Spaetlese: A wine whose grapes were picked very late, no doubt } by a lazy Turkish immigrant. Avoid this one. } } Auslese: A wine whose grapes were specially selected. } } Behrenauslese: A wine whose grapes were specially selected by } trained bears. } } Gastarbeiter- A wine whose grapes were specially selected by } auslese: foreigners who probably didn't even wash their } hands after going to the toilet. } } Hinauslese: Not a wine, but a quaint traditional German pastime } in which young men pick ripe wine grapes and pelt } foreigners with them to playfully encourage them to } return to their homelands. If you see this on a } wine bottle someone is tugging your leg, as your } funny saying goes! } } === } You owe the Oracle an explanation of why every Italian town you pass } through on the train seems to be named "Sottopassaggio." --- 577-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was Schrodinger's cat male or female? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was neutered in an experiment. --- 577-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Divine Majestical and Glamourous Great Oracle of the Usenet please > give unto me the information that I so desperately require. > > As I was going to St Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Each wife > had seven sacks and each sack had seven cats, and each cat had seven > rats. Wives, rats, sacks and cats, how many were going to St Ives? > > Your loyal and faithful supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant: } } That answer to that is simple. Hah! Think you're going to fool the } great and mighty Oracle. Sheesh. Oh. Wait. } } And in a freak accident today, a man on the road to St. Ives } was found mauled. His face was badly disfigured by claws, whether } cats, rats, or irate wives it cannot be certian. } } It was horrible. All these animals... and women... The } women just swarmed over him like insects... and they all had these } bags, see... they tossed them at the poor guy... I just... It was } horrible. *sobbing, choking noises* } } So you actually _saw_ the incident? } } Well... I was coming up the road, and I heard it. I got } here a bit later, to be honest. } } So you didn't see it... } } Well, I... no. } } But you found the man? } } *sounding a little more perky* Yes. Found him right here. } } And where is he now? } } Well... I uh... } } *prodding* He didn't get up and walk away, did he? You } said he was dead. } } *sounding nonplussed* Well... I... er... That is to } say... } } Say... I know you! You're that reporter that chased the } tornado! Still looking for a story, eh? } } *Oracle clears throat* } So there you have it, supplicant. The answer to your question is: } } No one. It was all just media hype. } And stop chasing Tornadoes. } } You owe the Oracle a spot on TV 6 news. --- 577-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Quick nurse, the screens. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Oh, Doctor!", she moaned, as her white crenlin nurses uniform slid to } the floor. "If I'd known, we could have done this sooner." I didn't } answer, I just gave here something to .... } } Hey! Who the hell are you? } } >Oracle Preist. You can't do that here, this is a family Oracularity. } } Oh? Says who? Can't you just leave us for, er, about a half, no } better make it an hour? Then come back, and we can do family-oriented } stuff. } } >Sorry, the tour group is here now. I must say this doesn't look very } >professional. } } Hey, look, I'm all for tours and publicity and all that, but now is a } really really bad time for me to be entertaining a tour group. Nurse } Ilse and I were um.... involved in a rather difficult procedure, yeah, } that's it. } } >Look Doc, we know exactly what you were up to. Don't give me any of } >this "medical procedure" stuff. You know the rules; when you're } >representing the Oracularities, you have to maintain the standards. } >What would you think if you were at Disney World and found one of } >the Mouseketeers in the bushes with Snow White? } } Well, I'd certainly leave them the hell alone! } } >That's not my point. We have a reputation to maintain here. } } Yes, and so does Nurse Ilse, and I was TRYING to find out if that } reputation was warranted. } } >Look, Doc...how about this: I'll take the tour group away, if you'll } >fill me in on how it went later on? } } Sounds like a deal. You don't happen to have an Egret feather with } you, by any chance? } } >Yeah, I always keep one in my wallet, just in case. Here you are! } } Oh, ILSE! --- 577-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are penguins jealous of time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Innocent suplicant who asks a question which would make Telly Sevalas } grow hair.... } } The Penguin/Time confrontation has taken place for centuries and } without an explanation of which, you would not full understand it's } answer. } } IN THE BEGINNING when the world was a vortex and existance but a swirl } of chemicals and reality was still in question (even more so than it is } now at least...) there were three supreme beings who plotted the fate } of what was to be. } THERE WAS TIME, and time existed with the force of an unstoppable } object, forever flowing and growing, absorbing and learning. Time did } not want to do these things, it just did so as it was it's nature.. And } as it grew and expanded so did it's reputation among the lesser } omnipotent beings, for who doesn't respect something that will destroy } everything and anything in it's path? } THERE WAS ORACLE, which existed within the realm of pure thought and } knowledge, it knows all and sees all, nothing beyond it's power of } comprehension. And it was respected and revered by all for it's } forgiving to the less understanding and the knowledge it would impart } upon request. } THERE WAS PENGUIN, which existed in a land of black and white, } cold and ice. Penguin had no real qualities, it just was, and as } such was respected only mildly. After time Penguin grew jelous of } time, as he seemed to get more attention. Of course this was true } but when was the last time you saw a penguin barreling down upon you? } Not a very frightening thought, let me assure you. } } AND THUS IT WAS that the penguin did devise a scheme to undermine and } destroy time, so as to make it's powers and reputation penguin's own. } The first step was where penguin made the mistake, for it sought to } make the oracles knowledge it's own, by destroying and absorbing it. } Of course the allmighty oracle saw this event comming and as the } penguin charged it, the oracle non-chalantly high tailed it and hid } behind time. Penguin bumped into time and fell on it's face, thus } looking quite the fool. Penguin was riddiculed by all the other minor } omnipotent beings, and thus disgraced went and forever decided to } stay in the seclusion of cold daark areas of the multiverse...and thus } the story of PENGUINS shame and it's eternal jelousy of TIME is told. } } And the price of this recounting is passed unto yye supplicant in the } form of: } } 1 (one) pair of hip-boots --- 577-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Have you not got something better to do than this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure I do, but then again your mother is not available all the time... --- 577-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh hig and might warrior of wisdom, with wich you weave wonders and > woe, would you ever so graciously lend unto my petty ear (whose cannals > are not worthy of thine least belch), the answer to this question of > mine.... > > When the light goes off in the refrigerator after I close the door, > do the contents of said refrigerator still exist? If not where do they > go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O small and craven Supplicant of great ignorance, who is a woeful sight } to behold, your ear is indeed unworthy to be belched in (but I shall do } it nevertheless: brap): } } What makes you think the light does go off when you close the door? } } You owe the Oracle Shroedinger's cat. --- 577-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise oracle, tell me, what does it mean if a guy has a big nose, > big hands and a big ego? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It would mean he's a cert for the leading role in : } "Pinochio The Basketball Star Runs For President" --- 577-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of movies past, please tell me where does the RED brick road > lead in the Wizard of Oz. > Uncle Henry And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kansas. The munchkins always were mischievous little sods and couldn't } resist the practical joke.