From oracle-request Thu Apr 7 18:22:07 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA00794; Thu, 7 Apr 1994 18:22:07 -0500 Date: Thu, 7 Apr 1994 18:22:07 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #641 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 641 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #641 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 7 Apr 1994 18:22:07 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 641 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 636 72 votes 9xm71 7mvb1 5ejld 4exi3 6ong3 27grk 3ckkh 8gmh9 1ifnf 4ekhh 636 3.1 mean 2.4 2.7 3.3 3.0 2.8 3.8 3.5 3.0 3.5 3.4 --- 641-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there any problems which are not computable by a Turing machine but > are computable by another machine? (Thus disproving Church's thesis?) > -Your most grovelling and humble,human no-mind servant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes: } } "Define the state of the light inside a refrigerator as } x and the state of the door as y. Define the possible } values of x and y as 0 (off or closed) and 1 (on or open). } Calculate the value of x given that y=0." } } A refrigerator can solve this problem. A Turing machine can't. } } You owe the Oracle a new refrigerator since this Turing machine } I got for Christmas is becoming obsolete quickly. --- 641-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most great and wise oracle (genuflect, bow, scrape knees on > asphalt)please impart on me your bright beacon of hope and > wisdom and tell me the answer to this: > > If the grim reaper, the spectre of death, were to wear brighter > colors and say more cheerful things, such as "hey, you picked a > really nifty day to die, tell you what, I'll take you on the > scenic route to yourfeild of eternal frolic!" or "Man, that > sure is one whale of a knock you took in that there fender > bender. I'd give a 9.5, and that gives you a dozen extra tickets > for the millenia drawing for a ride in God's golf cart." > If the keeper to the keys of life were to do these sorts of things, > would people be less afraid of death? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boy, what a great question! You picked a hum-dinger of a question to } ask, and by coincidence it's also the 666th question asked today. } Congratulations, friend! You're on your way to the greatest afterlife } ever! } } You owe the Oracle your soul. --- 641-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, > Is it better to have loved and lost than to have played miniature > golf and lost? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As long as you have fun getting it in the hole... --- 641-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is an oracularity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This. --- 641-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do turds sing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You might as well ask: why do mules fall in love? --- 641-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh please great oracle, could you please tell me the meaning of meaning > of life And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The meaning of life, is it? You want to know the meaning of life? } When children are starving, when old folks are dying, when the moon } waxes and wanes, when the Usenet Oracle bothers to attend to } questions, you want to know the meaning of life? Hold on a minute. } } (Ghod, I get so bored with this question!) } } Today I think I'll ask someone else for an answer. HEY BOZO! BOZO THE CLOWN!! WHAT'S THE MEANING OF } LIFE? } } Sorry, I forgot, today is Bozo's nose's day off. Without his nose, } he's just not himself. Oh, goodness, I just noticed that you really } wanted the meaning of "meaning of life." That'll take a saint. } ^^^^^^^^^^ } Well, let's try one of the Saints. MRS. EDDY! WHAT'S THE MEANING OF LIFE? } } Mrs. Eddy, did you say "God?" That's it, life is just "God"??? Ok, } now what's the meaning of God? } } Hold on, that's a mouthful. Let me write this down for my supplicant. } "The incorporeal divine Principle ruling over all as eternal Spirit: } infinite Mind." Well, there you have it, the meaning of meaning of } life, straight from Mrs. Eddy. I'm not sure it'll help you, but at } least it can't make you sick. --- 641-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, and omnicool Oracle, > > Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is one of those mysterious facts that is obvious to all but the } most idiotic. You are supposed to buy four packages of hot dogs, and } five packages of the buns. } } You owe the Oracle two hot dogs. --- 641-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, please help me with my difficulty. > > I am a personnel manager for a large company. With the recent > requirements for political correctness I am concerned about my title, > and the fact that I use a personal computer. The problem is obvious: > "personnel" has "son" in it as does personal, and "manager" has "man". > I have therefore sent out a memo which I reproduce below: > > From: J. Bloggs, Perpeoplel perpeopleager > To: All staff > Re: Perpeoplal computers > > Henceforth all "personal computers" will be known as "perpeoplal > computers" in recognition of the potential political incorrectness of > the former name. > > J. Bloggs, chairperpeople, PC committee > > Anyway, to my question: > My analyst has started asking for danger money. Should I pay? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's even worse than you thought. } } The English "people" comes from the Latin "populus." While "populus" } refers to people in general, it is gramatically of masculine gender. } However, it may be replaced by a gender-neutral term for a } gender-neutral concept, such as the Tlingit word "makchutep," meaning } people in general. Unfortunately, makchutep contains the syllable } "chu," which is strongly reminiscent of the Lahu word "chur," meaning } one's best friend's uncles. It must therefore be replaced by the Lower } Middle Late Pidgin Yiddish "Svolbtz," a slang term for collateral } relatives of any gender. This may be done freetly, since LMLPY is } completely free of gender references (coincidentally, this language was } only spoken by a group of seven shopkeepers and their families in a } small village near Gdansk, where it soon passed out of use, since it } proved impossible to gossip effectively in LMLPY). To sum up, you may } safely refer to yourself as a } "Permaksvolbtztepl Permaksvolbtztepger" without fear of offending } anyone. Other words may be changed accordingly. } } Your analyst is a heavily disguised alien from Venus. It is attempting } to charge you more in order to finance the construction of a } mind-control network base on microwave oven technology. Kill it. Kill } it now. } } You owe the Oracle a gender-neutral translation of the Kama Sutra. --- 641-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Once upon a midnight dreary, while my eyes were blank and bleary, > From incessant peering, leering, staring at my terminal,-- > While I jittered from my caffiene, suddenly there came a laughing, > As of some crazed loony, halfing victims like an animal. > "'Tis myself," I muttered, "I'm becoming like an animal. > Brain is oozing out my skull." > > I had to look for some enjoyment for a break from my employment, > Or another programmer would turn into a criminal. > As I typed my program kludgy on my monitor so smudgy, > Suddenly, I saw a budgie perched upon my terminal. > Strange, for me to see a budgie perched upon my terminal! > Quoth the budgie, "Oracle." > > I said, "I am much too weary to compose a proper query, > And I know much better than to go submit the question null. > I would like to give an answer like a ballet needs a dancer, > But, you fiend, you know I can't, sir, when the queue is never full. > When I try an askme then that question queue is never full." > Quoth the budgie, "Oracle." > > I replied, "You cowardly craven, stop at once your misbehavin', > Do you think you are a raven perching on my terminal? > I would rater cross savannah, eat an over-ripe banana, > Than to contact Indiana with a question terrible. > Yes, the Oracle will never take my question terrible." > Quoth the budgie, "Oracle." > > Oracle, we know you know it. I hate budgies. Do I show it? > Humbly, Edgar Allen Poet. Please reply soon, Oracle. > P.S. I am getting pudgy eating roasted basted budgie. > Though it tastes a little sludgy, I find it is quite edible. > Would you like to try some budgie roast? It is quite edible. > Quoth the poet, "I am full." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, you are so evil - even borderline medieval, } When claiming to be so ill, you dare tempt The Oracle. } I want none of that roast "lovebird" - the mere thought is simply } absurd, } That I would blindly take your word that that bird is not a gull. } I like parrots, in fact love them - but I bet you pawned on me a gull. } Quoth this poet, "That is bull." } } I won't eat a bird so common - I would rather eat two strawmen. } Ask again, and I'll call lawmen before you can count to four. } I've uncovered your nasty plot. Your wicked plans are all for naught. } Let your "parrot" rot. ZOT ZOT ZOT!!! Now straighten up as before. } You owe me a real lovebird, not a gull as done before. } Poet, try that nevermore. --- 641-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Apparently the Oracle's previous advice has been taken to heart. } Although duct tape has cured your drooling problem, I fear } you may have been to generous in application. Remove some of } it from your face and hands so you can breathe, think, and type } normally. } } You owe the Oracle undying gratitude and continued silence.