From oracle-request Thu May 5 12:21:55 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA08935; Thu, 5 May 1994 12:21:55 -0500 Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 12:21:55 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #647 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 647 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #647 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 12:21:55 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 647 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 642 81 votes jcmm6 8jAb7 hxec5 4jtk9 bqqf3 5dmre emkeb 5aume 6cnsc 4lmke 642 3.0 mean 2.8 2.9 2.4 3.1 2.7 3.4 2.8 3.4 3.3 3.2 --- 647-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bore da, supplicant, sut rydych chi? } This is an interesting question, in a combined neo-Platonic and } neo-Calvinist sense, as well as a difficult one to answer, so I } will try to simplify things for you. If we take a phenomenological } and allophonic approach, in order to minimize the Gibbs free energy } while simultaneously avoiding a skirl on the low G of a taorluath, } and if the quantum effect of the Corinthian sub-order of the Ionic } order is a homeomorphism, homomorphism, or isomorphism, while an } emblazonment of a melismatic trope on a final alleluia coexists with } a vector (in both the mathematical and medical sense), as referenced } in Roger Ascham's "Toxophilia", and while an interstitial carbon is } denoted with neumes and Italian lute tablature, but if we consider } the emergence of three-point perspective combined with the resonance } structure of a dephlogistinated aromatic hydrocarbon and an } enantiomeric pair in a racemic mixture with implicit declaration } in classical sonnet form (Shakesperean, Petrarchan, or Spencerian) } which can quantum tunnel to the classical sonata rounded binary form } (exposition, development, and recapitulation), while putting klister } over glide wax and using messenger RNA and a parry in tierce, so the } subatomic limit of the Burgundian cadance combined with boustrophedon } half-uncial, while the fewmets of the questing beast allow the Ring } Giver of the Geats to find the Argives and the next version of the } operating system. } } You owe the Oracle a bowl of chicken soup. Shaken, not stirred. --- 647-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In an effort to instill the proper awe for your august self into the > trillions of new commuters on the Information Superhighway, I think > you need some sort of slogan. Try these on for size, okay? > > -- The Usenet Oracle: The Phantom Tollbooth on the Information > Superhighway. > > -- The Usenet Oracle: Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid. > > -- The Usenet Oracle: In Cyberspace, No One Can Hear You Scream ... > > -- The Usenet Oracle: Zots Backwards-'R' Us > > -- The Usenet Oracle: What You Get When You Cross Leona Helmsley with > Dave Barry. > > -- The Usenet Oracle: Not Exactly What Turing Had In Mind > > -- The Usenet Oracle: The Blender in the Whisky Sour of Life > > -- The Usenet Oracle: Virtual Reality's Answer to Miss Manners on Acid > > So, Orrie, what do you think? Can I get the T-shirt concession? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thanks for the suggestions, but I think I'll stick with the classic } "I'm With Stupid --->" shirt. Could you stand to my right, please? --- 647-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wonderous Oracle, who understands every aspect of > ninteenth century art and could offer an impeccable formal analysis on > demand, who knows how to handle people and sterilize the > unsterilizable, who is so kind that he would stoop to assisting the > most lowly, pathetic supplicant in his mundane life (the supplicant's, > not the Oracle's): > OK, I have this art appreciation class. I have a paper due > tomorrow morning, and I still need to think of a topic (not to mention > writing the actual paper). I need to "think up and write about" some > topic related to three paintings I picked out earlier: Vetheuil in > Winter (Monet), The Village of Becquigny (Rousseau), Cologne: The > Arrival of a Packet-Boat: Evening (Turner). I have no idea what to do. > I'm clueless--maybe I'm just not cut out to appreciate art. > My school is in New York, and my mother is coming up to visit me > tomorrow, all the way from Minnesota. She's going to arrive during my > class (when my paper is due). My room is a horrible mess: I have at > least eight different variety of molds growing on different > food-splattered portions of the floor. I don't have rats, but I do have > cockroaches. How do I find time to clean my room, with this paper > hanging over my head? And, if I can't, since I can't let my mom see how > I'm living, what can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, what you ask is an impossibility. If you had a morsel of } forethought you would have dumped nineteenth-century art and taken } Practical Modern Art II instead. Sticking a label on your front door } marked "Home is where the art is", you could then have then handed in } your room as your graduation project. } } Your mother would still be shocked at how you are living, but the A+ } you'd get would make up for it. } } You owe the Oracle the loan of your room for a week at the end of the } semester when my project's due. --- 647-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Grammatically Correct Oracle, my name is Edward D. Underwood, > and I am a freshman studying English literature at Emily Dickinson > University. Unfortunately, this gives me the e-mail address of > edu@edu.edu. Does this make me a nerd? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gesundheit. --- 647-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and magnificent oracle. That which even the great Santa Claus > consults for his naughty/nice list. > > Why exactly are you in Indiana? I thought that the Great Oracle was > in Delphi, Greece. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, just because my e-mail address is in Indiana, it } doesn't mean that *I* am in Indiana. It's just a mail-drop. } My true whereabouts are seldom known, and I intend to keep it } that way, for reasons that should be apparent shortly. } The Oracle at Delphi has retired after many centuries of } answering pointless and foolish questions. Everyone knew where } he lived, so there was always a line out of the place that went } for miles. The only way he could get any rest was to say to the } supplicant at the front of the line, "You are quite fortunate, } for I foresee that everyone after you who asks me a question today } will meet with an untimely and painful death." This would spread } down the line like wildfire, and Delph' could take the rest of } the day off. } But he didn't do it often enough, so he burned out. He's in a } nursing home in Asgard (the one in True Olympus is too pricey), } and his skills have deteriorated to the point where he's kind of } uncertain, even on questions like "Would you please pass the salt?" } You think I'm going to wind up like that? No way, so no address. } I could be across town--or in the next room--or even in Indiana, } but *you'll* never know. } You owe the oracle a signed, original editorial cartoon by Tom } Toles and a pre-CBS Fender Telecaster. --- 647-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you for real? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Virtually... --- 647-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how on *earth* can i possibly do 40 pages of writing in the next > week? can i just combine all my topics and turn in one 10-page > paper to 4 classes? is there any way to combine buddhism, philosophy > of science, and political ranting? > > help me! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Write about Hunter Thompson. --- 647-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, Of Utterance Wise, > With Impeccable Taste in Neckties, > If Suppl'cant Poet, of the gnomes, > Coined most heavenly poems, > Could he look to achieve Paradise? > > Omnisc'ent Oracle, Of Knowledge Divine, > Your Very Urine is Heavenly Wine! > Supplicant Poet aspires, > And works till he tires! > Can he hope to compose sublime rhyme? > > O Wise Oracle, of Golden-Hued Thoughts, > Who Answers Dumb Questions with Zots, > If a man with a pizza > Were to couple with Lisa, > Pray tell, would it tie you in knots? > > Wond'rous Oracle, Brow Studded with Zerkle, > Who Reclines in the Shade of a Myrtle, > Do you hear in each verse > (Though they get worse and worse!) > That the sound of each stanza's a circle? > > Saintly Oracle, With Patience Exhausted, > Your Cojones Must Surely be Frosted! > Wilt thou, sorely tried, > Zot this Poet deep-fried? > In your life, have you been so accosted? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This five-stanza Algebraic Homiletic Reverse Trochee form is both } rare and sublime. The poet uses repetition ("Great Oracle"; } "Omnisc'ent Oracle"; "Wise Oracle"; Wond'rous Oracle"; "Saintly } Oracle") to superb effect, at once both invoking and seducing the } poetic muse. The rhymed couplet form is reminiscent of Pope, } while the references to popular culture (neckties, pizza, } deep-fried) render it inarguably postmodern. It is at once } archaic and refreshingly new, classical and groundbreaking, } ancient and modern, sin and sacrifice, all in one tantalizingly } eloquent melange. I recommend it highly. A four-star selection. } } C.F., writing for the Postmodern Review --- 647-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why pi never repeats? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've obviously never had my jalapeno 'n' bran quiche. --- 647-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just discovered that I don't have Suranjan's phone number. > Can you help me out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } INDIANA (AP) - Weird occurances seem to be the norm at the } Computer Science department of the Indiana University . A } lot of strange things have happened, bordering on the surreal. } This is the place where hordes of woodchucks descend upon every } year. This is the place where many young students gouge their } eyes out after seeing a vision of "Lisa", some ghost-like } apparition that has strange effects on the student body. } } One terminal in the computer science department is directly } hooked up to "The Oracle." According to local folklore, this } machine actually connects to a being who was like the Oracle at } Delphi in Greek mythology. He would answer all your questions } and make your dreams come true... for a price. } } Many students are firm believers in the Oracle. They point to } the student who was suddenly irresistable to women when he } first walked out of the computer lab and the other student who } got perfect scores on all his final exams without cracking a } book. } } The latest caper the students are pointing to is another } student who simply asked the Oracle for a phone number. He } never actually received a response from the Oracle, but was } killed a few days later by having a planeload of telephone } books dropped on top of him. According to the pilot, it was an } accident and he is deeply sorry about the mishap. Although } true Oracle believers will say that there is some greater force } which caused the accident. Skeptics still claim it was a mere } coincidence. } } Whether or not you believe in the Oracle, there are certain } facts that cannot be ignored. If there is no Oracle, who is } responding to all this Email sent to the Oracle? Is it all } just fabricated or is someone really behind it? And why is } everything centered around Indiana? We may never know.