From oracle-request Thu Jan 5 14:00:54 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA26240; Thu, 5 Jan 1995 14:00:54 -0500 Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 14:00:54 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #703 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 703 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #703 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 14:00:54 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 703 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 698 81 votes gnr87 aotd5 ito91 4eprb flsf2 bzl86 4iqu3 8uw74 bjuf6 9hpka 698 2.8 mean 2.6 2.7 2.3 3.3 2.6 2.5 3.1 2.6 2.8 3.1 --- 703-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who answers every asker with enervating wit, > > I have seen a list of questions. The list circulates by email and > BBS, and contains questions about braille ATMs, Hawaiian > Interstates, headlights at the speed of light, cargo by ship, > lox on the doors of 711, singular bra, and so on. > > Many of these questions have been seen in your Digest, with answers; > and yet they continue to be asked agin and again... > > What I wonder is, did the list exist first, and people just started > asking you questions from the list whenever they couldn't come up > with their own original questions, or was the list culled from your > Digest? > > In other words, which came first, the list or the Digest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The true story is actually more complicated than either of the } possibilities you mention: } ------------------------------------------------------------------ } } [Scene: a hidden chamber underneath the Sphinx. The Oracle and Lisa, } wearing pith helmets, are standing over a large box, overlaid with } gold, and decorated with cherubim.] } } Oracle: We've finally done it, Lisa. We've found the List Ark -- the } box containing the original list of goofy questions God gave to } the ancient Hematites. } } Lisa: Oh, Orrie, you're wonderful. } } [They embrace. Suddenly, a shadowy figure appears at the door.] } } David Feldman, the _Imponderables_ guy: Very touching. [He pulls out } a gun.] I'll be taking that, if you please. } } Oracle: But that's not fair . . . } } Feldman: Fair? Is it fair that you have an entire net groveling at your } feet, when all you do is make wiseass remarks, whereas I, who } at least attempt to answer the questions I am given, must linger } on the "Humor" shelf at Barnes and Noble, hoping that some random } passerby will be willing to shell out ten bucks to find out why } clocks run clockwise? Now stand aside, friend -- I'd hate to have } to put a hole in you. } } Oracle: Wait a minute -- you can't kill me. I'm immortal. } } Feldman: Hmm . . . true. We appear to be at an impasse . . . } } Voice from the door: Not for long. [Two figures emerge out of the } shadows: Cecil Adams and his sidekick Ed Zotti. Cecil is holding a } pistol, and Ed is carrying some kind of complicated raygun device.] } Ah, I see you've noticed my latest invention -- the patented } Straight Dope Laboratories Immortal-Disintegrator. One move out of } you, Oracle, and Ed here will blow you into kingdom went. Right, } Ed? } } Ed: Yes, master. } } Cecil: I'll be taking the Ark, now. Oh, come now, don't look so glum. } After all, I deserve it more than either of you -- I answer } questions *and* make wiseass remarks. } } Voice from the door: Not so fast. [In one smooth motion, Marilyn Vos } Savant leaps into the room, grabs Ed Zotti, and holds a gun to his } head.] That box is mine, all mine. Ha -- you have to get up pretty } early to outsmart the smartest human being in the world . . . } } Cecil: All right, take it. } } Feldman: What? Are you nuts? Give the Ark to that -- } } Cecil: Look, I've still got a gun pointed at you, and I say she gets } it. Are you all right, Ed? [Ed nods, bravely. Cecil addresses Vos } Savant:] Just whatever you do, don't open that Ark. } } Vos Savant: Try to tell *me* what to do, will you? -- You who got the } Monty Hall problem wrong! I'll open any ark I want. [She goes to } open the List Ark.] } } Feldman: Umm . . . I think I'll be going now. [He slips out] } } Cecil: Don't look, Ed! Don't look! } } [Vos Savant opens the Ark, and a huge Spielbergian light show emerges. } Cecil and Ed shut their eyes tightly. Vos Savant doesn't, and turns } into a pillar of salt. The Oracle and Lisa, being immortal, get to } watch all the pretty lights. Eventually, the light show goes back into } the Ark, the Ark closes, and Cecil and Ed can open their eyes again.] } } Lisa: That was *so* *cool*. } } Oracle: Yes, it was rather entertaining. So, what do we do with the Ark } now? } } Cecil: Hmm . . . clearly, even I had underestimated the power of the } List of Goofy Questions. Clearly, it can't be allowed to fall into } anyone's hands, even mine. We must put it someplace where nobody } will be able to take advantage of it's awesome power. } } Oracle: How about the Internet? Nothing useful ever comes out of there. } } Cecil: An excellent idea. [Looks at the salt-pillar.] We'd better ship } Vos Savant back to _Parade Magazine_. Fortunately, it looks like } she'll still be able to write her column. [Turns back to the Oracle } and Lisa:] So, anyone for a game of bridge? } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a John Williams score. --- 703-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alan M. Gallatin The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > the meaning of life. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed supplicant your have deciphered one of the most perplexing } questions to face mortal man: What is the meaning of life? The answer } is as you have indicated is ">". Because you have been the first to } deduced this universal truism I will impart to more truisms to you as a } reward. } } > the meaning of life } < the meaning of death } = the meaning of purgatory } ( the meaning of Alfred Hitchcock } ) the meaning of Rush Limbaugh } & the meaning of Twister } # the meaning of a stalemate } % the meaning of being hit right between the eyes } ^ the meaning of wearing a hat when it is cold } ! the meaning of sex } | the meaning of frustration } \ the meaning of partial success } / the meaning of defeat } } You owe The Oracle the meaning the conjugate: #@%&!@#% --- 703-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does the human have so much trouble changing his character? Oh > Master you have only begun to give insight now make it clear. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid you're at the mercy of your DM, especially if you're right } in the middle of a game. Face it, it really isn't fair to go around } tweaking your character to suit the situation at hand just because your } party needs a female half-elf carrying a mace. } } You owe the Oracle a really nice dagger. --- 703-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greetings Oracular one. > > A few years ago I heard the following joke. > > The Pope, President Reagan, and a Boy Scout were all on a plane > trip when the plane suddenly had engine problems. > > The pilot ran out of the cockpit, grabbed one of the 3 parachutes > and leaped out the door, leaving only 2 'chutes. > > The President got up and said "Seeing I am the leader of the > greatest country in the free world, I must be saved", grabbed a > pack and leapt out the door. > > The Pope said to the Scout, "I have had a full life, and done > much of my work, take the last chute my son, and jump to safty". > > To which the Boy Scout replied, "No need to sir, the President > grabbed my backpack". > > My question is why were they all on the same (apparantly small) plane > to start with? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is symbolic. } } It resembles a game of chess: } } The pilot is the player, that runs away in fear, as Kasparov eats away } on his pieces. } } The president is the King, that in a rush of panic believes to control } his own game tries to switch places with the queen, and thereby exposes } himself to a pawn, something that would never have happened, had the } player stayed, since he MAY have known the rules. } } The Pope is a Bishop, and the Scout is a pawn, and none of them will } have to die in THIS game of chess. } } Also, you never know where you end up, searching for your luggage in } Bangkok airport. } } You owe the Oracle a Deep Thought or two... --- 703-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@best.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I keep trying to write makefiles such as the one appended below. > I'm on an Ultrix system. No matter whether I use the executing > or nonexecuting (-n) mode, only the first command seems to > be executed. Below is the file followed by some typical output. > > # George's makefile for experimental HOOPS programs > # C compiler options > FFLAGS = -cpp > # Hoops library specification on link command > HOOPS_LIB = -lhoops > # Libraries other than Hoops specified on link command > LIBS = -lX11 -lm > # command to set original working directory > TEMPDIR = /tmp/gea > > $(TEMPDIR) : > mkdir /tmp/gea > > $(TEMPDIR)/testfield.c : testfield.c > cp testfield.c /tmp/gea/ > > $(TEMPDIR)/drawcol.f : drawcol.f > cp drawcol.f /tmp/gea/ > > testfield.o : testfield.c $(HOOPS) > $(CC) $(CFLAGS) -c testfield.c $(HOOPS_LIB) $(LIBS) > > testfield : testfield.o drawcol.o > f77 -o testfield testfield.o drawcol.o $(HOOPS_LIB) $(LIBS) > > ------------------------------------------------------------ > Sample output: > > % make -n -f make.testfield > `/tmp/gea' is up to date. > ------------------------------------------------------------ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm very sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but your } university has been using second hand computers purchased from South } Africa, from before the change of government (if you want to know } why when a budget for a CRAY-XMP was allocated, ask your ex-Rector } whose present address is c/o Central Post Office, Bogata, Columbia). } These computers work with a slightly different and subtly different } operating system to your normal Ultrix machine, namely that Fortran } and C programs must never be linked together. I.e. the system of } 'Apartlink'. } } There is, as you can probably guess, quite a bit of international } outrage about the design of these computers, especially at the way } in which Fortran programs (which existed on the system before any } C programs) are discriminated against, both in terms of processor } time and memory. The Fortran programs themselves have little say in } this matter, as strict laws have ensured that the kernel of the OS } is solely written in C. } } The version you have is even worse. Not only is Fortran code } specifically excluded from the corridors of the kernel, but all } the Fortran source code has been allocated to specific areas on the } hard-disk, the so-called 'Homeblocks'. Not only are these homeblocks } much smaller than the areas allocated to C programs, but all the } buggy, corrupted blocks have been picked out, easily observable by } the otherwise random selection of blocks across the disk. } } Supplicant, remember that if you aren't part of the solution, you're } part of the problem. You should instantly refuse to use the computer } in question until the operating system is changed and incorportates } large amounts of Fortran code, like mine does SEGMENTATION ERROR } UNRECOVERABLE ERROR IN CORE SYSTEM GOING DOWN..... } > >>>> } &^"^#"#" } System Halted --- 703-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Remember that shampoo commercial where the girl said "Tell two > friends. Then they'll tell two friends. And so on. And so on. And > so on..." where after every sentence, the number of pictures of this > girl doubled, therefore the number expanded geometrically. > > So why wasn't everyone notified of this shampoo within 33 iterations? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because, being Valley Girl-types, all of them promptly forgot the } shampoo advice. In some circles, this is called the Charlie's Angels } rule, a theory which postulates that for the truly beautiful, so-called } "rational" rules of the universe are subject to change on a whim. --- 703-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise. Your knowledge surpasses that of all humanity. > Heck, you know more than even my Grandmother and she's been around a > while. > > My question is kind of odd. You see, my dog died. He was a wonderful > half black lab, and great with the children. Well my problem is that > since it is winter here, the ground is frozen solid, so we can't really > bury him until the spring thaw. Currently we have him in our freezer > so he doesn't start smelling or anything like that, but he takes up a > lot of room. Can you give me any ideas of what we can do with him > until we can bury him in the spring? > > Thanks, And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can bury him now. All it takes is a really, really big fire. A } bonfire will thaw the ground for quite a respectable distance down, and } once the fire's out, you simply shovel the ashes aside and start } digging. True, it'll kill the grass, but it's winter anyway so not much } grass will be growing on most lawns. When spring comes the natural } fertilizing effect of a decomposing body will nicely rejuvenate your } lawn. } } In fact, for a nice, even green all over, you may wish to have a black } lab die every winter. Perhaps *several* of them. } } Alternately, you could just waylay strangers in your community and bury } them. True, the nightly bonfires will seem a trifle odd to some of } your neighbors, but it might prove a welcome change from those damn } Christmas light displays on peoples' lawns, and then too, you can } always give your neighbors all the marshmallows they can eat. } } You owe the Oracle a s'more. --- 703-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will my business survive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid the signs are not good. } } Red Sunday (the takeover of the world stock markets by the Russian } marketing empire) will give controlling interest in your enterprise to } Enid Von Stuffen ne Brezhnev (great-great-etc. grandson to a distant } uncle to the Brezhnev with whom you may be already familiar); after } driving it nearly to the ground, his family will eventually sell it to } McXerox. } } Shortly thereafter, when PAWNS (Pax Africana World Nation State) is } established, the harsh exchange rates to Pygmy Poison Dart Currency } Standard will come very close to putting you out of business (the } punitive $1200 dollar to *1 PygPoi conversion rate will shut down your } North American operations completely [note that one PygPoi buys only } one Quarter McCopier with Cheese]). Fortunately, your exclusive } license to the Imported Genuine Simulated Ostrich Feather African } Headdress-like Headware Stuff (tm) will prove to be a real bonus. } } The invasion of the Volp-Chus Amzun Warriors from Space will cause a } brief depression in demand for your products during the ensuing } scuffle; however, a skunkworks within your conglomerate will have come } up with the Vulp-Chus VunderBru (with X-Your-Heart protection!), which } will be enough not only to shift the tides of battle to your home } planet, but afterwards establish a lucrative trade with the Amzuns } (until they are destroyed to a Vulp by the Rabid Nasties a millenium } later). } } Later, after the North American plate is completely subsumed by the } Pacific plate, your business will have lost critical resources without } which it will be impossible to produce para-bilin (the highly addictive } office furniture which will have become the staple of your business). } Fortunately, you will be able to scrape on for another century or so on } the back-ordered VunderBru sales the Rabid Nasties will be forced to } honor (by the Planetary Conquest Clause in InterGalac Concorde, ruling } IVXVIIMVIXXIV. (Interestingly, since one key ingredient in the } VunderBru is the human nasal excretion ["snot"], which is one of the 14 } substances which has fully resisted artificial manufacture, it is } believed that this contract is the only thing that stopped the Rabid } Nasties from taking the Earth and exterminating everyone on it). } During that time, there will be a resurgence in interest in Simulated } Ostrich Feathers across the galaxy, and your business will rapidly } become one of the largest and most well known in the Milky Way. } } However, after the Earth's sun goes nova, your enterprise will no } longer have a stable trading base from which to manufacture the } Imported Genuine Simulated Ostrich Feather African Headdress-like } Headware Stuff (tm), and will certainly no longer receive the wide } audience it would need to compete for the long haul in the Universal } Economy. So, your business will slowly be declining towards the } twilight years. } } After the Big Suck (best described by the renowned } AstroPhilosophBizperson of the time Ross "BHA" Perrot as "All the } Billyuns and Billyuns of Stars COLLIDING with a Huge Sucking Sound to } the Universal South") it is difficult to determine the fate of your } company. } } So no, I am afraid your business will not survive. I am sorry. } } You owe the Oracle a backrub and a Quarter Cholesterol with Cheese. --- 703-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [appropriate grovel here] Please answer my humble query: > > Am I right in thinking that there is a real frog in here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, it looks to me like your blender is empty. } } [Suddenly, a pair of federal agents burst into the room.] } } Agent Scully: Hold it right there. We represent the Senate } Appropriations Committee, and we're here to investigate that grovel. } } Incarnation: But-- But I appropriated it, just as the supplicant said! } } Agent Mulder: I suppose you do anything that a supplicant suggests? So } if the supplicant told you to take a ride in a UFO, you would? } } Incarnation: Actually, I don't believe in UFOs. } } Scully: A wise guy, eh? Let's get back to the grovel. What did you do } with it? } } Incarnation: Well, I appropriated it for myself, so I could use it on a } question of my own. } } Mulder (looking through the incarnation's e-mail box): He's telling the } truth, Scully. Here's the grovel. Look at this askme: } } > Oh most thundrous Oracle, with eyes of cobalt blue and } > full soft lips that just won't quit, will you deign to } > answer this humble supplicant's query? } > } > Is it true that the producers of the new movie "Ready to } > Wear" changed the title to that from the original } > "Pret-a-Porter" because they thought that the title would } > remind non-francophones of "Port-a-Potty"? } } Scully: Well, I guess that _was_ a good use of a grovel. But we've got } to take it back, anyway. } } Mulder: And next time, think before you appropriate a grovel. } } [The agents leave.] } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. ) a } lifetime supply of grovels. And I sure hope you find your frog. --- 703-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why doesn't Domino's pizza guarantee delivery in a half hour or less > any more? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Domino is not as young as he used to be. There was a time when Domino } thought nothing of a quick sprint to anywhere on the globe - he could } run from Italy to Australia in just 25 minutes! However, Domino is } getting older, and chubbier. These days, he gains more enjoyment from a } can o' beer and a corny soap opera. } } It is important to note that he still guarantee delivery in under half } an hour for his next door neighbour Gino.