From oracle-request Wed Mar 8 14:01:12 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA28038; Wed, 8 Mar 1995 14:01:12 -0500 Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995 14:01:12 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #716 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 716 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #716 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995 14:01:12 -0500 *** The recently published book, _Internet_Insider_, contains a number of *** Oracularities from the "Best Of" digests. Namely, Oracularity numbers *** *** 134-03 229-10 290-09 297-08 345-09 441-07 516-05 560-10 *** 193-09 288-04 293-03 326-02 376-03 506-05 552-04 565-07 *** *** At , the *** author, Ruffin Prevost, says: *** *** The Internet Insider ($14.95, 284 pp., fully illustrated with *** photographs, Osborne McGraw-Hill) offers net veterans and neophytes *** alike an insider's look at the strange and wonderful world of the *** Internet. The first book to focus solely on the gonzo online culture *** of the Net, the Insider lets you surf the Net without getting wet. *** Longtime Internet ramblers will appreciate the Insider's tabloid *** treatment of the shocking news from the edge of cyberspace. *** *** Steve says check it out. To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 716 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 711 94 votes 8dpxf 3nnuf euwf3 1dvAd 1eqxk 8gtva bjup9 jvlda 7frmn 4kltk 711 3.2 mean 3.4 3.3 2.6 3.5 3.6 3.2 3.0 2.6 3.4 3.4 --- 716-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I find the Fountain of Youth? > > end > quit > exit And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't do it! The situation isn't that bad! You don't have to END your } life, QUIT the game, or EXIT this plane of exitence simply because you } can't find the fountain of Youth! I'll have some sympathy for you (and } excuse the lack of grovel this once, but just this once) and tell you } the knowledge that you so desperately need: if you go to your local } soda jerk, there are many fountains of youth! } } PEPSI: Remember the ads with all those old people dancing around? They } knew something. Of course,it could be that they were next to the REAL } fountain of youth, being in Florida and all. } } RUM: Drink enough, and I guarantee you'll never grow old! } } OK SODA: Well, maybe it won't give you eternal youth, but Coke would } like you to believe it! } } JOLT: Ever wonder why all computer hackers look like they're under 18? } They know the secret! Watch out for the acne side-effects, though. } } COORS: Youth by association. Why, after you get all those beautiful } young women.. What? That's only an ad gimmick? Well, I never! } } You owe the Oracle a mint set of the de Leon tapes. (The Oracle is not } a crook!) --- 716-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How to set up an ftp site? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, that's great! Or, "Where to Orange banana?" Hoooo! Ha! Boy, } you kids just slay me, so endlessly inventive. Hang on, hang on, let } me wipe my eyes... hee hee hee... } } Okay. Sorry. } } First, rob a bank. Any bank will do, since these days they all have } surveillance cameras and retina scanners. (Or do they? No, no, that's } right, those come AFTER Interactive Telesound -- well, that certainly } makes this much easier.) Okay, so, rob a bank, but MAKE SURE you're } wearing a mask that makes you look JUST like an FTP site (that part is } very important). Then, stash the money in the FTP site's back pocket } when it's not looking. Call the FBI, tell them about the FTP site, } describe it's MO, and TASW, KWIM? } } Good luck! --- 716-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey you out there, Oracle-nerds, please give me an answer to this > question; it has kept me awake for many nights: > > How can it be that it takes a lift approximately the same time to move > the last few inches as to move from 2nd to (6th floor - few inches)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mortal fool, you dare demand an answer after such an impertinent } greeting lacking any relation to a grovel? I have half a mind to Zot } you... but the other two-thirds of my mind (your naive mathematical } system can't apply to such as the Oracle)... where was I? Oh yes, your } query. I will not do away with you in the traditional way; instead, I } shall forward your question to the U.S. government! } } --- Forwarding mail to opposite-of-pro-gress@capitol.org --- } } Thank you for your inquiry regarding recent Congressional } legislation. Although most mail is answered by your congressperson } themself, in the interest of a timely reply your question is being } addressed by one of your congressperson's high-level aides. Thank you } for your inquiry. } } --- Forwarding mail to makework@capitol.org --- } } Your inquiry into the latest happenings on Capitol Hill has been } recieved and processesed. Due to the large amount of inquiries } congressional aides recieve every week, your request for information } has been automatically transferred to a qualified general clerk in the } interest of expediency. } } --- Forwarding mail to the-buck-actually-stops-Here@capitol.org --- } } Your inquiry into the Congressional legislation on the topic of } vertical public transportation is appreciated. We suggest you } investigate the VERTICAL TRANSPORTATION EQUAL OPPORTUNITY ACT OF 1993. } Section 1, paragraph 3, subparagraphs A & B state that } } - A) Efficiency of transport shall not be reduced on the basis of the } - subject's race, age, gender, or floor of occupancy } - B) The operation of any existing elavator, lift, or other vertical } - transportation device as defined in section 1, paragraph 2 } - which does not meet these requirements must be discontinued } - until it can be altered to meet these requirements within its } - operating specifications } } Your lift complies with this requirement by reducing speed as it } approaches the floor of destination; if you become aware of any lifts } that do not comply with this legislation (ie, take less time to reach } the lobby from the second floor as from the eighth floor), please make } the lift operator aware of this Act. Thank you for your inquiry. --- 716-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wisest Oracle of all time: Can you tell me if I am going to pass my > art exam I took today? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. You didn't bribe your insructor with enough Monet. } } You owe the Oracle your left ear. --- 716-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does the speed of thought equal E=mc*mc And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, the speed of thought is predicted by the theory of } special relatives. As you are probably aware, some relatives } think a lot slower than others. This can be predicted by a construct } called an interval, which is the length of time it takes between } lighting up the acetylene torch to having the gas tank you're } mending blow up. This handy chart will help you predict thought speed. } } Concept Thought speed. } } Understands that stuff passing 2.98*10E8 m/s } below the event horizon is pretty } much gone for good. } } Heavy stuff falls at much the same Pretty fast. } speed as light stuff, provided its } pretty dense. } } Light stuff falls slower than heavy Hmm. Not so fast. } stuff. } } Crushed while shooting a bear in Slow. Real slow. } a tree. } } So you see, special relativity can be applied to the speed of thought. } The name comes from when one of your relatives does some real dumb ass } maneuver, you can say "Oh man, that's special." } } You owe the Oracle a valid proof of special relativity. --- 716-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O your musical Orriness, who might even have known the Beatles: > > What would you do if my tuna couldn't sing? Would you walk out and > stand up on me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the immortal words of Ted Bundy } "I would fry with a little help from my friends". } } You owe the oracle a copy of the sheet music to "Empty Garden". --- 716-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you do not Intend on giving me a correct answer then don't give > me any answer at all! 5 times I have asked this question only to > be responded with some smart ass comment or stupid answer. Please, > we have a bet here at the office and would like an honest answer > from somebody who may have a better insight to this: > > Where were the first Atomic bombs, built, tested, and where did it > inherit the term "Manhattan Project"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An incorrect answer from the Oracle? Never. A smartass answer? } Always. You are betting on the first atomic bomb? What about sports? } Women? Do you not have lives? Of course not... you work in an office. } The first atomic bombs were built about 1115 BC by Marvin (you know, } the "Take me to your leader" guy Bugs Bunny always had a problem with? } It inherited the term Manhattan Project in the episode where the } construction thing happened. Marvin observed this and decided to } level Manhattan, hence the Manhattan project. } } You owe the Oracle an pin-up calendar, if you can find one. --- 716-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who one the world series in Mexico City - in 1380? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Los Alamos Anachronists beat the } Berkely Timesurfers, 5-3. } } But don't tell anybody. The bookies } would get really annoyed. --- 716-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sad, sad, sad, sad, why must I be sad? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, I am sure you have heard of the Law of } Conservation of Energy, which lays down that the } total amount of energy in the universe is constant, } not changing from one moment to another. What you } are experiencing is a result of a similar law, the } Law of Conservation of Happiness. } } For you see, the total amount of happiness experienced } by all beings in the universe is also constant. At } the moment, I am feeling enormously happy. Also, I am } stroking my cat, which is purring and obviously also } quite contented. This excess of happiness on our part } has to be balanced by a deficiency of happiness } somewhere else, and you have been Chosen to bear this } burden. } } But I tell you what, I'll stop stroking Fido. There. } Doesn't that feel a bit better? --- 716-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle! Tell me, what was the profession of Homer's wife Marge before > she married? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Marge went through several career changes before } she finally met Homer and settled down. When she } was 15, she dropped out of high school and became } a manicurist. She did quite well at this, and in } the course of 3 years rose to the level of super- } visor. (As an aside, Marge was the one who trained } Lorena Bobbitt. This is one of the reasons Homer } doesn't give her too much lip.) } } As a supervisor, though, Marge found she had to do } a great deal of paperwork, and she no longer cared } for the job. She started looking for a different } line of work. First she applied for a job as a } telemarketer, but she was turned down because she } couldn't fit the little headset over her hair. } She tried working in several retail establishments } as a checkout clerk (including a women's clothing } store, a grocery, and even a gas station), but } each time, she quickly got bored and left. } } Eventually, she landed a job as a dispatcher for } the fire department. 6 months later, she was fired } after she mistakenly sent the fire engines to 4980 } East Main St. instead of 4980 West Main St. She } then did a brief stretch as the host of a radio } talk show. She was great at the talking part, but } listeners complained to the station about her choice } of subjects, so her show was cancelled after 7 weeks. } } Following that, Marge worked for about a year and } a half tending 2 to 4 year olds at a day-care } center, a job which gave her valuable skills in } child raising, as is evident in her own children. } This job was only in the mornings, however, so } she moonlighted as an aide at a venereal disease } clinic. } } It was at the clinic that she met Homer, and the } rest is well known to all. } } You owe the Oracle a job application and a good } reference.