From oracle-request Wed Apr 19 10:11:20 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA03793; Wed, 19 Apr 1995 10:11:20 -0500 Date: Wed, 19 Apr 1995 10:11:20 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #725 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 725 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #725 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 19 Apr 1995 10:11:20 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 725 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 720 93 votes 5hrz9 brzf5 4jxod 16qEk 8hynb 7ssl9 auC87 ahpqf 5juof 7qwj9 720 3.1 mean 3.3 2.7 3.2 3.8 3.1 3.0 2.7 3.2 3.3 3.0 --- 725-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ObOcamdiwpm Whamwbt > hrranaitrle helehoo > ianytr ie: aclayt > wlc ttewta tk n hd > illrhecats o,aeo > sieeirtsee idf mr > ea,an i n no a it > n dgwo t etnInh > atw hn ie tshd gi > n h na nl h i s > d o ot ,l e s ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Baf-t-s-fb-dcwtsvoUaiOD Hyswtmtts Wosbfr! P YOne } e otoeitrreelrhoimsnnri eoahhshht enauee! . ored } cloh rthoirveiemnnedtag yumoa ae! leydad! S uawi } ailid ,eng ivt egin oce ,'e tqt l dru! . c t } uf noS sthsseihh peg us r s u l ,tty n! olto } sewg upi tcirnoomotetlt Ielecega ho.od! Y weer } eli onhzo rn gpwet tha. ' onrsos Ii fa! g e x. } etbndoifcegw,e ,eOter ltstyttt 'nyF n! n at } yshe atn oe a d nri i lhe pi vgoobt! a t } os tEyogamnsyioettan t armtoid e ure:! l h } u nta s p,osnfch cg i bt eonni t, i ! w e } ' oesbyi u m ee l e e g g go nZ! . } r -rtunn t eo i e s t r e o gO! } e -t- - f - - - t T! --- 725-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does my LEFT shoelace always come undone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You may be using two RIGHT shoelaces. Most people don't realize } that shoelaces also come in pairs, a RIGHT and a LEFT. } The LEFT shoelace is distinguished from the RIGHT by little } L's printed all over it. If both of your shoelaces are plain } then you have two RIGHTs. } In some parts of the country, LEFT shoelaces are in short supply } so you may have to do some looking about to find them. Just ask } everyone you see for some RIGHT shoelaces. You'll eventually } find someone who can help you. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of Odor Eaters and a brass shoehorn. --- 725-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise of the seven foretold Oracles of Yore: > > Why, oh why? Why must the sky be blue? Why not green or some > less...blue color? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's because of that silly oxygen/nitrogen atmosphere. I *told* YHWH } that He should have made it something different, but he just kept } muttering about how He'd already decided on what the laws of physics } and the chemical elements and all that were going to be, and that } carbon-based life forms were going to have to be the biggies, and how } they would need oxygen but not too much, and all that. } } "You've boxed yourself into a corner," I told Him. } } "It's like writing a sonnet," He said. "You make a set of rules and } you stick with them. Carbon's gonna be carbon, organisms of any } complexity have to be pretty much the way they are, free will is going } to demand the possibility of sin, and one of Me is going to have to get } pinned down with spikes like a Me-damned butterfly. And of course the } sky is going to have to be blue, at least on Earth or any planet like } it." } } "Sounds dreary," I said. } } "Oh, I've got other universes to play with. Nice red skies for the } intelligent life forms in lots of them. Of course, they'll just bitch } about why they're not blue, and so on. No pleasing 'em." --- 725-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle who is wiser than the great lantern hanging 'pon the moor: > > Who am I or why am-I-here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I see by the use of the word "or" in your question that you already } have a glimmering of understanding of the quantum nature of your } dilemma. } } 1. Who are you? } You are Professor Werner Heisenberg. } } 2. Why are-you-here? } It is impossible to ascertain this aspect of your existence at the } same time as identifying who you are, due to your own Uncertainty } Principle. } } If you like, you can resubmit the question and next time I'll tell you } why you-are-here. Unfortunately, neither of us will then remember } whether it's you asking the question. That'll teach you to leave Newton } alone. } } You owe the Oracle a higher Fermi level. --- 725-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As you obviously know (being the all-knowing Oracle AND a ravenous > newspaper reader), our lab is doing research on DNA-based 'computers'. > We're running up against a snag here, however. Depending on the initial > parameters, we either get a number in the general vincinity of 42, or > an infinite sequence "OJDIDITOJDIDIT...". > What gives? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, try to stay with me here -- } } The stream is known in DNA-based programming circles as a RISC } architecturbased Psuedo-Random Operating Program (PROP), and is } intended to be used by the next generation of computers which your } current batch are attempting to develop on the sly. The number 42 is a } random seed for the beginning of the program. Different operations } will be performed depending on which part of the DNA stream is viewed. } } Some of these operation sequences are very simple, for instance: } The code ..DITO.. is a Duplicate Insistence To Object routine. } } As more bytes are added to a sequence, more complex instructions arise: } The code ..DIDITOJDI.. will process the routine Defense Input Debug } (DID), Integrate Transmitted Objections (ITO), and then Jump (J) to the } nearest Dummy Interrogation (DI) address. } } Got that? Here's a more complicated example: } The code ..IDITO.. will Insert Data Instruction Tag (IDIT), which } takes the next available byte (O) and inserts it behind the Tag byte, } causing an Object Transmute (OT) to reread the sequence as ..IDIOT.. } (which is similar to a ..KATO.. routine in other PROPs). } } The Oracle has spoken. } } (If you would like more DNA consultation, please pay me in advance. } You are way behind in your grovels. I should take you to court.) --- 725-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #include > > int main(int argc, char *argv) > { > char *question = "Should I quit programming and get a life?"; > extern void mailto(char *username, char *subject, char *question); > > mailto("oracle@cs.indiana.edu", "tell me", question); > > exit(0); > } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *iNo, but don't you think you shuld learn TECO, too, just in case? } $hxhghghghjssh$io$ht$$ } No, but don't you think you should learn TECO, too, just in case? } No, but don't you think you shuld learn TECO, too, just in case? } No, but don't you think you shuld learn TECO, too, just in case? } * --- 725-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great oracle most wise and all knowing, who is surely good friends > with both the easter bunny and santa claus, I feel disappointed. > > Why didn't the Easter Bunny give me a liquid nitrogen cooled cray III > for Easter? All it gave me was some candy and eggs :-( And, santa > didn't bring me one either! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It so happens the Easter Bunny is sitting right here next to me, } soaking his aching feet in Epsom salts while crunching on a piece of } matzoh, so I'll let him dictate to me. (It's hard to type with paws.) } } -- } Yeah, I remember you, 'cause you're the guy who wrote me asking for a } freakin' LIQUID NITROGEN-COOLED CRAY III! First of all, you're } TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD! Why in the heck are you still BELIEVING in me, } much less WRITING to me? } } Look, you have NO IDEA how much trouble Kraft General Foods gave me } this year with that $%*&#$*& Jell-O ad campaign urging that JELL-O } "JIGGLERS" REPLACE EGGS. Can you believe it? I had to RENT FIFTEEN } EXTRA REFRIGERATORS for the week before Easter in order to HARDEN ALL } THAT JELL-O. Bill Cosby can BITE MY FLUFFY WHITE TAIL! [I didn't want } to put that last sentence in, but the Easter Bunny wants me to quote } him accurately. Oh, well.-TUO] } } In addition to my going WAY OVER BUDGET because of the freakin' } FRIGIDAIRES, there's a whole bunch of other problems with Jell-O. } First of all, they showed it in the commercials already in Easter } baskets. Well, I hate to tell the giant food conglomerates they're } wrong, but THEY'RE WRONG IF THEY THINK THAT'S HOW EASTER WORKS. >>I<< } hide the candy and the eggs all over the house, the kids run around for } twelve minutes finding all of it except a couple black jellybeans which } won't get found until July, and THE KIDS put the stuff in the baskets } THEMSELVES. In most houses these days, I can't FIND anyplace to put } the Jell-O where it WON'T STAIN SOMETHING! And then, once the kids get } the Jell-O into their baskets, IT STICKS TO THE ARTIFICIAL GRASS! } } On top of all this...ON TOP OF ALL THIS...people are starting to WRITE } ME AND ASK FOR GIFTS. Christmas was FOUR MONTHS AGO. I don't have a } staff of eight hundred ELVES MAKING STUFF like SOMEONE I COULD NAME. } But, no, I have to FIGHT THE CROWDS AT TOYS 'R' US...and thank God they } had all those discount coupons in the Sunday paper two weeks ago...and } BUY ALL THE TOYS MYSELF. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! I have to CARRY the } things ALL OVER THE PLACE, and HIDE THEM. } } So, yeah, I usually follow some simple rules when it comes to giving } people stuff: If you're over 15, YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING. (Yeah, } I know I gave you some eggs and jellybeans and Marshmallow Peeps, but } you got on the wrong list.) If I can't get it at Toys 'R' Us, YOU'RE } NOT GETTING IT. If it costs over $29.95, YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT. } } And that's why you DIDN'T GET a freakin' SUPERCOMPUTER for EASTER. } DON'T WRITE TO ME AGAIN. And don't bother writing to the other } guy--he's on to you, too. } } Maybe if she really loves you, your WIFE will get you one for YOUR } BIRTHDAY. I gotta go. } -- } } This is the Oracle again...apparently someone had to pay a bit more to } the IRS than he was expecting. I told him to file sooner, so he'd be } done in plenty of time to get ready for Easter, but he didn't listen, } as usual. } } You owe the Oracle a Cadbury Creme Egg. --- 725-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > when this vehicle known as "PIPELINE" will host a web browser such as > MOSAIC or NETSCAPE?^MThank you in advance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Um . . . I think you misread your copy of _Variety_. The Arnold } Schwarzenegger vehicle known as "PIPELINE" will not be featuring "the } MOSAIC web browser", but rather "the music of Webber". That's right, } Andrew Lloyd Webber is writing the score. (Lord have mercy on us all.) } } Anyway, they're trying to position it as a summer blockbuster, so it } won't be coming out until July. Here's an advance copy of the press } release: } } PIPELINE } } This action packed thriller stars ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER as a } two-fisted geochemist, contending with cold, polar bears, and rogue } RCMP agents out on the Alaska pipeline. In her thrilling return to the } silver screen, MADONNA co-stars as the bewitching Inuit maiden with } whom he falls in love -- but will she betray him to the enemy? Directed } by the great Roger Corman; with three new guaranteed hit songs by } Anderw Lloyd Webber and Philip Glass. } } You owe the Oracle a big tub of popcorn. --- 725-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > Oh mighty and omniscient Being, who's tolerance > of minor annoyances and attention to unworthy > details, (such as the dim utterances of this > your leastest supplicant) is Legend; resolve > for all time this puzzle which, having irritated > me for yea these 20 years, has clearly not been a > matter of severest urgency, (nor indeed of much > interest), but nonetheless, it's the little things > that eventually wear you down, don't you think? > > ...Ahem, > > Veni, Vidi, Grovelli; > pro exemplarimus, > bene, bene, Oracullus Primo (etc., etc.) > > (So endeth the preamble, however, even before > you begin reading this, I have resumed grovelling!) > > Here come da problem: > > I've read Emily Post's writings cover-to cover, and DO > know better than to butter my buns with a fish knife; > BUT, it seems she died before making any definitive > pronouncement as to WHAT should be done with all those > bits of paper and cellophane and plastic which accumulate > whenever one sits down to a restaurant meal these days. > (You know, the sugar envelopes, the butter cuplets, > the cracker wrappers -- all that non-trad trash.) > > Naturally a pile of this sort detracts from the process > of genteel dining, but what to do? > Some argue that it's best to order a pot of tea, > and submerge the refuse within; > Others urge me to deposit it under the napkin > in my bread basket; > Once or twice I attempted to decreetly > hide it in the handbag of my dinner partner. > > Assist your trash-afflicted supplicant, Oh Mighty and > Environmentally-Conscious One! (Relieve my anguish and > make this world just a little bit better.) > > WHERE should we put it? > (I suspect that worrying over just this problem may > have contributed poor Emily's premature demise.) > > Your Humble and Obd't Supplicant (etc. etc.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The proper disposal procedure is as follows: } } 1) Using your fish knife (if none is supplied, do *not*, under any } circumstances, substitute your butter knife -- use the salad fork } instead, if you have to) transfer the offending trash to a position } just below and to the right of your steak knife, as indicated in the } diagram: } } F F F F .------------. S S S K } O O O O / \ P P P N } R R R R | Plate | O O O I } K K K K \ / O O O F } `------------' N N N E } X <-- Here } } (On the Continent, of course, directions are reversed, and the rubbish } is placed to the lower left of the seafood fork). } } 2) Ignore the item for the rest of the meal. In its current position, } it is invisible to you, and to anyone else at the table who is not } fixedly staring at your elbow -- which, of course, no civilized diner } would ever do. } } 3) When the brandy and cigars are served out at the end of the meal, } and you light up, extend the sweep of your match-strike so that the } head of the match momentarily contacts the rubbish before returning to } your cigar: } } O <-- Tip of Cigar } | } .---------. / } | Match | / } | Book | / } _______________`---------'/ } / Path of / } / Match / } \ / } /\/\/\/\ `---------------------' } Rubbish | } --------' } } If this is done sufficiently gracefully, no one will notice the } little bit of paper (or whatever) bursting into flames, burning for a } while, and eventually becoming ash (and therefore indistinguishable } amongs all the cigar ash). } } You owe the Oracle a dinner invitation. --- 725-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and wondrous Oracle, whose earlobes I am unworthy > to lick, whose girlfriend Lisa has such magnificent biceps, > and who appreciates randomly generated grovels, please give > this insignificant supplicant a speck of your enormous > knowledge. > > I was watching some old reruns of "Mr. Ed" on TV the other > night, and I started to become suspicious. When I looked > closely, it appeared that the picture of Mr. Ed was not > talking at the same time as the audio. Is it possible that > the cretins who produced this show actually tried to get > away with lip-syncing Mr. Ed's speech? And if this is the > case, why didn't anybody notice it before? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Very observant, supplicant. The problem which the producers of "Mr. } Ed" faced was that, while talking horses were not all that rare, } _English_-speaking horses were quite unusual. It is well-known that } the Germans had the most advanced talking-horse program during World } War II. After the war, the United States spirited the top German } equine linguists out of Europe and into a top-secret program in the } Arizona desert. By 1952, they had a working prototype, and by the mid } 50's they had developed a herd of 23 horses who could chat aimlessly } for hours. Unfortunately, due to the origin of their creators, they } only spoke German. } } By 1957, however, the House Agriculture Committee decided that talking } horses were no longer a top national security priority. When Sputnik } was lauched later that year, the CIA discovered to its chagrin that the } millions of rubles in the Soviet annual budget marked "Purina Horse } Chow" had actually been directed into ballistic missile research. It } was at this time, in a top-secret meeting whose minutes were } declassified earlier this year, that President Eisenhower directed that } the talking-horse program should be scrapped in favor of a stronger } rocketry program. } } Needless to say, the horses raised strong objections to the plan. One } of them even attempted to testify before Congress, but he was bought } off with a really shiny apple. The rest moved on to various other } jobs, mainly at various Arizona dude ranches. Only Hans achieved any } measure of fame and fortune as the star of "Mr. Ed". And as he only } spoke German, his lines were dubbed by a human actor. Today, only } scattered remmnants of the talking-horse program exist, the most } notable being the world-famous Newt, the Talking Ass. } } You owe the Oracle the complete video collection of the "Francis, the } Talking Mule" movies.