From oracle-request Fri May 5 08:16:43 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA14646; Fri, 5 May 1995 08:16:43 -0500 Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 08:16:43 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #730 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 730 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #730 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 08:16:43 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 730 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 725 101 votes Ajlcd 3rwsa 5fDrf 8irwg 6gvtj avyce 6dpst 9Asn5 5gswk 5boyr 725 3.2 mean 2.5 3.1 3.3 3.3 3.4 2.9 3.6 2.8 3.5 3.7 --- 730-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > I am stuck at the 'net' prompt. > What do I do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Press the power switch. --- 730-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is freemasonry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You people nowadays....it's always, "What is *really* the meaning of } life?" "What is the nature of the universe?" "What's really in cheese } doodles?" All of this without even a decent grovel....... } } Do you think I enjoy answering your questions? Some of them actually } even take thought on my part! Sheesh! } } Anyway, top answer your question, we'll talk to expert masonry Bob. } Bob has his own masonry and stone working business. } } Oracle: So, Bob, what exactly is freemasonry (in your own words)? the } supplicant wants to know. } Bob: Well, Oracle, It's a mythical concept. You see, Big O,there are } people who know me and have stonework that needs to get done. Since I } am a professional, everyone always asks me for help on their } projects.....and of course they want it for free! Now, since I run my } own business, I can't afford to do this........so I don't. Therefore, } you see, free masonry doesn't exist. I'm actually quite an expensive } masonry expert, but hey you get what you pay for! } Oracle: Are you sure it doesn't exist? } Bob: Yes I am. } Oracle: For anyone? } Bob: Nobody. } Oracle: Oh I see...... then I suppose that new temple you are building } for me needs to be paid for, doesn't it? } Bob: Yes, as a matter of fact......... } ***ZOT*** } } You owe the Oracle an inexpensive mason. --- 730-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Benevolent Oracle, I know how you appreciate randomly generated > grovels, but this time I think I'd better get right to the point. > > My team recently invented an immortal mouse. I'm not talking "longevity > gene" here, I mean, these little squeakers can *not* be killed. We > tried. Oh, how we tried. > > The first thing we tried was a lethal injection, but we couldn't manage > to put a needle through the skin. The mouse would only get irritated > and sort of squirm around and bite the needle in half. > > We next administered the toxin orally, and there was no problem getting > the mice to ingest any of a dozen lethal substances mixed in their food > pellets. In fact, as we soon discovered, they would eat any substance > we put in their food hoppers and apparently draw nourishment fromit. > None of the toxins had any noticeable effect on the mice. > > We tried various gaseous substances, but they had little effect. Pure > VX at 400 kPa did cause one mouse to exhibit slight nervous behaviour, > so this alley is perhaps the most promising one open to us at the > moment. > > Then we tried starvation. Apparently, some sort of photosynthesis is > going on in the fur. Yet the ones we locked in a dark vacuum chamber > two months ago are still happily moving about on a circadian cycle of > 25.07 days, so we must assume there's some internal source of energy, > possibly based on cold fusion. > > Next, a batch of mice were placed in a high-temperature oven and heated > to 4000 K for 10 hours. The time was extended by another 10 hours, and > then another, until the Director started worrying about the electricity > bill. > > We placed seven specimens in a diamond pressure vessel to be compressed > at 500 MPa for 1 hour or until dead. After 37 minutes, high-pitched > squeaking was heard from the vessel, and we had a brief surge of hope. > However, at 38 minutes, the vessel exploded, spraying hydraulic fluid > all over the lab. The mice were located under a sink, gnawing at shards > of diamond, and they returned willingly to their cage when the rest of > the shards were placed inside it. > > Electrocution didn't work -- the fur apparently functions as a high- > temperature superconductor, as Dr. Cranshaw discovered after blowing a > $500,000 energy storage capacitor. This also reduces the effectiveness > of high-intensity electromagnetic fields. They do sparkle beautifully > in a common microwave oven. > > One mouse was immersed in a 40% solution of nitric acid. It swam around > for 40 hours, never pausing to rest, until it got bored, kicked a hole > through the container, and went directly back to its cage, as could be > observed from the ragged footprints it left in the stainless steel > floor. > > We were getting somewhat desperate. Dr. Metcalf placed two mice in a > heavy-duty centrifuge and set it to 20000 rpm. After two hours, one of > the mice kicked up the lid, breaking the heavy locks. It stepped out of > the cradle and momentum carried it through a closed window. It sailed > across the courtyard, landing in the Geology department, where it > proceeded to eat Dr. Tennyson's core samples. The centrifuge still > containing the other mouse was torn off its foundations, demolished two > labs and a hallway, and finally came to a halt in a broom closet, > whereupon the mouse exited it, and started lapping up window cleaner. > > Dr. Lebowitz, who has lumberjack ancestry, wanted to try a chainsaw. > Frame-by-frame scrutiny of the videotape reveals the rodent grabbing > the chain by its teeth and being conveyed at high velocity through the > plastic guard plate. The severe injury to Dr. Lebowitz's hand resulted > from the mouse trying to halt its flight by hooking its tail around his > thumb. > > Lastly, lasers turned out to be useless, as the fur refracts and > scatters every wavelength, so that the energy is dissipated all around > the creature. I'm personally responsible for burning up every piece of > combustible material in the High-Energy Optics hall, and melting most > of the rest. Oh, and the mouse is responsible for the toothmarks on the > terminal focusing lens on the Nova. > > We haven't been able to test a nuclear device, but the DoD say they're > going to arrange that. I'm a bit worried what'll happen. Anyway, my > question is, in light of the incredible commercial potential these > creatures exhibit, would you consider accepting a share of 50% of the > net profits generated during my lifetime, in exchange for your securing > my immortal soul from... the parties currently holding it, and > returning it to me? I understand you have connections to the... > entities one needs to talk to. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle feels cruelly let down. No, not by the perfunctory grovel, } but by discovering finally that the question was not "How do I kill the } mice?" The Oracle, as it happens, is quite an expert in this area and } is in a position to give you a tremendous answer on sorting the little } squeakers right out, seven minutes, max, for strong ones. Well, if you } don't want to know about paralytic shellfish poisoning then you don't } and it's your own bad luck. } } To proceed with you actual question, the answer is: } } 1. WHAT commercial prospects? Aflatoxins aside, what are you hoping to } sell, and to whom? What demand are you hoping to satisfy? } } 2. 50% net? Are you out of your skull? The Oracle wants 60% of the } gross AFTER being convinced of the existence of a Good Thing. At } the moment, even that is a very iffy prospect. The Oracle suggests } that the Director take some time out from worrying about the } electricity bill and put some time into worrying about how writing } proposals appears to be an unknown art in your laboratory. } } 3. What immortal soul? The Oracle's people have been in contact with } the people of The Certain Other Entity To Whom You Appeared To Be } Referring. There is No Record of any holding under your name. The } Oracle's people, believing that they had jumped to a conclusion, } then checked up with The Alternative Entity's people with the same } result. } } The Oracle is forced to the conclusion that you have more immediate } concerns than worrying about dubious Get Rich Quick schemes. And } the Oracle is not (in the first instance, at any rate) talking about } the administrative costs to which the Oracle's Investments and } Securities staff has been put. Geddit? } } Oh, and one more thing: that nuclear experiment you're cooking up with } the DoD? A word of free advice: don't do it. Just don't, okay? } } You owe the Oracle a Get Rich Quick scheme (that works). --- 730-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise and heavenly, who is closer to the gods > than to mortals, please bestow a mite of your knowledge to > me, a humble supplicant who kneels sniveling at your feet. > > It is well known that the food of the gods is ambrosia and > nectar. I know about nectar, but what exactly is this > ambrosia stuff? A recipe would be nice. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I like your groveling. Payment for the answer to this question is } waived. However you might not like the answer. Yes, ambrosia is the } food of the gods, but think what will happen if I give you the recipe. } You will be able to eat it, and I suppose all of your friends as well. } } What will happen then? No self-respecting god would eat the same as the } great unwashed masses. Yes! You! Look at those greasy keys you've been } typing on. Look at the chair you're sitting (or rather slouching) in. } Why would a god want you sniveling around their recipies? } } So rather than cause the gods to go hungry, I'm going to send you the } recipe for humble pie. } } Ingredients:- } } 2 cups of abasement } 1 pinch of mortification } 2 teaspoons of shame } 1/2 pound humiliation } 2 tablespoons of grandeur } } Method:- Crush the grandeur into small pieces and mix with the } humiliation. Simmer this mixture over low heat while mixing in the } mortification and shame. Roll the abasement into a flat piece about } 1/8" thick. } } Line a pie dish with the abasement, and when the simmering mixture } thickens pour into the lined dish and cover with another piece of } abasement. } } Condescend this for 1/2 hour. Serve cold. } } You would have owed the Oracle a submissive tart. --- 730-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that when any number is multiplied by 9, the answer (when > numbers taken individually) adds up to 9 or multiples of 9 or has 9 in > the answer. eg. 2 * 9 = 18 > 1 + 8 = 9 > ???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, sorry. It doesn't. That is a design error in mathematical } theory which Mr. G. and I discussed eons ago. He's never bothered to } getting around to fixing it - claims it requires some sort of change } in the laws of the entire universe, and that would be overtime work - } so we're stuck with the flaw. } } The one saving grace is that the error is no longer detectable at higher } integer values: } } 11 * 9 = 99 } 9 + 9 = 18 } } As you can see, 18 is certainly not a - hey, Wait a minute... } } 1 + 8 = 9 } } This is odd. What about: } } 452 * 9 = 4068 } 4 + 0 + 6 + 8 = 18 } } Ack! It's back! } } 1 + 8 = 9 } } I'm going to need a bit of time here to fix this bug. It seems the } number 9 leak has propogated itself into all numbers. If this keeps up, } we'll have numerical chaos on our hands. } } You owe the Oracle - um... I didn't really answer you on this one, did } I? Right. In that case: } } You owe the Oracle nothing. 9 of them. --- 730-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omniscient Oracle, owner of ostentatious overseas optical offices, > organizer of officially observed operatic organizations.. > > On occasion, our ordinarily obliging offspring omits obligatory > offerings. OK, or offence? > > (Our only other offspring, Oliver, obediently offers our Oracle opulent > or outstandingly original objects.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh. } } On occasion, older obdurate offspring overlook obsequious } object-offering. Ordinarily, offspring outgrow outpourings of offerings } - 'Obsolete!'s often oraculated. } } Overt oversdoses of overlooked offerings? Obtain obituaries of } offspring! } } Oliver's onslaught of outstanding offerings oppose other offspring's } offerings. Open ostracizing (oblique or otherwise) of other offspring, } offloads onerous ordeals on Oliver's opponent. } } OK. } Oliver? Obligingly obsequious. } Other Offspring? Obnoxious opprobrious oaf. } } Omnipresent Oracle's Owed Other Offbeat Oracularities. --- 730-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh wise and just one, is O.J. guilty or innocent? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look here member of the jury, if you can't make your own mind up, what } hope is there? --- 730-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great & powerful Oracle I humble myself before you (And I *don't* do > this for just anybody - despite the rumours) please grant me the answer > to this: Why is it; when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual > harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.99 a minute? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You see, life is not fair. Nothing is for free. The harassment is only } a cover to keep men from trying to have fun for free. The government } and women have signed a contract that makes sure men will not try and } have simple fun, but rather to make everything have it's drawback. } } You owe the oracle $11.97 for the three minutes it took to respond. --- 730-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O healthful Oracle, whose intake of cholesterol is never deterimental > to your health, who never gains or loses weight (except when you want > to), please tell me: > > How are Mr. Peanut (the Planters peanuts mascot) and Mr. Salty (the > pretzel mascot) related, and who is the mascot for unsalted pretzels? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmm ... excellent question. Let's find the answer. } } OracleQuery: GENEOLOGY@SALTLAKE.MORMON.REL } > Enter name of first subject } Mr. Salty } > Enter name of second subject } Mr. Peanut } > Enter name of third subject } } > Processing ...................................... } > 0 Records Found } } Well, I guess they weren't Mormons. Time to do this the old } fashioned way. Lisa, please find me the Book Of Everybody, } volume 983,554,014: Earth. } } *flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip ... flip ... flip ... flip* } } Hmm ... not in there, either. This IS interesting. Well, } there's only one more thing to try. Lisa, please get your mother } on the phone. } } "Hello, Ms. Lipshitz?" } } "Oh, well hello! Is that you, Orrie?" } } "Yes, me again. Listen, I'd like to know if you have any idea } how Mr. Peanut and Mr. Salty are related." } } "Oh, now that's a SHAMEFUL story. I couldn't POSSIBLY repeat } it." } } "Please, Ms. Lipshitz, we really do need to know." } } "Well, you know how I hate to gossip, but for you, Orrie ... } Well, anyway. Remember back in the early days of movies, when } all of the cupcakes and the drinks used to dance across the } screen and tell everybody to go to the snack bar? They were all } so cute in their little skirts and tap shoes. Well, anyway, one } of those cupcakes was called Terri. You won't have heard of her, } since her family made her change her name and sent her off to } Milwaukee after the whole scandal. Anyway, late one night, she } happened to meet someone, and she fell madly in love with him. } That's the problem with youngsters, they'll fall madly in love } with anything at the drop of a hat." } } "Why was that so scandalous, Ms. Lipshitz?" } } "Well, you know, he was an usher." } } "So the scandal was because he was human and she was a cupcake?" } } "Good lord, NO, Orrie! Didn't you learn ANYTHING in that fancy } Oracle school your mother sent you to? He was an USHER! And her } a big movie star. So far beneath her station." (sound of } sighing) "If I didn't know better, I'd say that Terri just did } it to spite her whole family. But of course she was brought up } better than that." } } "I don't mean to hurry you, Ms. Lipshitz, but we're a bit pressed } for time ..." } } "Oh, yes. Terribly sorry. Anyway, they had a torrid affair, all } of it in secret, and the twins were the result. Terri managed to } go on acting all the way to the end, since it's so difficult to } tell when a cupcake is pregnant. Now those were the good days, } when men liked their women well-padded. What IS this modern } obsession with skeletal structure, that all you young men need to } see ribs on your women? It's positively indecent." } } "Ms. Lipshitz, PLEASE." } } "Oh, for crying out loud, Orrie, you call me only twice a week } and all you ever do is try to hush me up. I swear, I don't know } what Lisa sees in you. It certainly couldn't be your good } manners, or your respect for" *CLICK* } } Well, there you go, supplicant. The relationship between Mr. } Peanut and Mr. Salty. As to the spokesman for nonsalted } pretzels, there isn't one. The damn things taste so nasty that } nobody wants to be associated with them. } } You owe the Oracle a handful of trail mix, and the updated } version of the Book Of Everybody, all 64,846,882,926,107 volumes. --- 730-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, whoe grasp of language is such that you understand > the distinction between "flammable" and "inflammable": > > Why do the words "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, the words have completely different meanings. Whereas } "inflammable" means that an object can be inflamed, or set on fire, a } flammable object may be flamed, or verbally assaulted as follows: you } idiot, get a freaking dictionary and learn the difference between two } words yourself. You are a waste of intellect...etc. Never buy } flammable charcoal, it doesn't light, and therefore gets verbally } assaulted. } } You owe the Oracle a childproof lighter or a flameproof child.