From oracle-request Sat Jun 3 00:10:37 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA29636; Sat, 3 Jun 1995 00:10:37 -0500 Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 00:10:37 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #741 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 741 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #741 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 00:10:37 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 741 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 736 84 votes 4feul eith6 9fuic inqe3 79rre cmpbe bcgyb 7jG97 9eisf fnmi6 736 3.0 mean 3.6 2.8 3.1 2.5 3.4 2.9 3.3 2.9 3.3 2.7 --- 741-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, knower of all known stuff, > Please tell me why women answer my personal ad on the Web, > but then refuse to go farther than e-mail? Can we do "it" via e-mail, > or is it true you need to use IRC? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, another young lad coming to his own on the Internet. Brings a tear } to the Oracle's eye ... } } If you are already to E-Mail, then you surely already know about } "finger", commonly known as "first base". } } Many young men before you have wondered the secret to getting past } E-Mail, or "second base" as it's called. You must remember that the } girls your age are very uncomfortable going past E-Mail. If you are } into heavy E-Mail one night, and you attempt an unwelcome IRC (or } "third base"), the results can be at least embarrassing and at worst } grounds for prosecution. } } Simply enjoy your time in E-Mail, there is no race to IRC. Besides, } you can continue to lie to your friends that you've been IRC'ing for a } long time now. } } The last step is SZ, or the infamous Home Plate. Consult the Oracle } again when you're ready for this. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "90's Guide to Dating". --- 741-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle chomps down on his cigar as the Supplicant trembles in } his boots. "Speechless, huh?" He puffs smoke in the Supplicant's } face. "Yes, I suppose the Temple can be a little intimidating." } } He points the supplicant to a solid-gold door. "Over there is the } Library of All Knowledge. You ask me a question," he puffs, "and I } can find the answer in there." Cigar stench fills the room. "Any } question, though I've got my... price." He chuckles at the last word. } } He points to the another door framed by marble columns. "This is } the door to Olympus. I can chat with any of the old gods from there. } And Zeus..." He chuckles to himself. "...Zeus, he owed me a few } favors, got that? Just a bit of information about some of his... } dalliances down on Earth." } } "But, THIS..." He pulls at a silk cord, which slowly pulls up a } curtain. "...THIS is the most important part of the temple." } Something large, circular, and glowing blue is behind the curtain. He } relights his cigar from it, and puffs away. You cough. } } "Ya see, it's no good to be all-knowing if ya can't make it stick. } This here stone..." He lightly pats it. "...is the One True Source of } ZOT! With it, I can send a thousand-volt jolt of electricity from } here at my temple at the Indiana University, through the Internet, } to anyone." He puffs again. Your eyes water from the stench. } } He grins evilly. "Care for a demonstration?" --- 741-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HERE IS YOUR 'e' And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HERE IS YOUR 'zot' } } You owe the Oracle a grovel and a question. --- 741-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, oh wise and magnificent Oracle, who's knowledge of the > languages surpasses all! > > Please tell me why the most popular and most useful words of all > language are the expletitives and how this came about. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They are really just some leftover bits of debugging code left in by } the original developers of sentient life, to provide a way of } troubleshooting various error conditions. Since the current release of } humanity is still far from bug-free, they remain a useful diagnostic } tools, provided one has access to the appropriate documentation. } } To determine the error code corresponding to a particular expletive, } simply add up the numeric value of the letters in the word or phrase, } in octal, and take the least significant octal digit. Here is an } example I have chosen from an encounter you will experience in the near } future: } } CODE REASON EXAMPLE } } 0 Abnormal termination Your girlfriend throws you out of } signal. the house. } } 1 Erroneous arithmetic After you go to a bar for solace, } operation. you realize you don't have any cash. } } 2 Illegal instruction. The bartender spots you sneaking } out. } } 3 Interrupt. You think you have made a clean } getaway, till a cop pulls you over. } } 4 Illegal memory reference. He's the girlfriend's brother. } } 5 Software termination signal. He heaves you into the back of the } squad car } } 6 Hardware error. in handcuffs, } } 7 Reserved (system error). where those five shots of tequila } put in a reappearance. } } I hope this newfound knowledge will give you the grace to remember to } "smile when you say that," when the time comes. } } You owe the Oracle the name of a longshoreman who knows octal. --- 741-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh wise all-knowing subject. tell me : When will I die???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. Let's calculate it out. That open tin of beans that you found } on top of the fridge and just ate was from last week, rather than } yesterday as you thought, and the E. Coli. Supplicasis infestation } had reached a level of 2.2e+05 microbes per square cm. Your intestine } has an adsorption rate for myxophalicin toxin of 4.435 mg/sec/sq. mm, } and your heart pumps blood at a rate of 0.57litres/sec. That means } that the toxin level available for attachment to neurotransmitter } recptive sites in your neuronic cell membrenes is raising by 0.25%/sec, } and should reach fatal level for a puny mortal about ..... now! } } Supplicant? .......... Supplicant? ............ Don't you know that } it's rude to die just when someone is calculating your expected time } of death. } } You owe The Oracle 10% of your estate. --- 741-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me the answer to this question: > > Is Keanu Reeves really God? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. However, the difference is not always apparent to the uninitiated. } I shall bring you closer to understanding of both Powers by pointing } out some of the more important differences between God and Keanu } Reeves: } } 1.) God holds the power of Life and Death. Keanu Reeves armwrestled } Death. (Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey) } } 2.) God knows the fall of a sparrow. Keanu Reeves falls from } airplanes. (Point Break) } } 3.) God is the essence of Buddha-nature. Keanu Reeves is just Buddha. } (Little Buddha) } } 4.) God is infinitely loving and forgiving. Keanu Reeves put a stake } through his girlfriend's heart when she left him for Dracula. } (Bram Stoker's Dracula) } } 5.) God is the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. Keanu Reeves is } Denzel Washington's evil brother. (Much Ado About Nothing) } } 6.) God saves our souls from eternal Damnation. Keanu Reeves saves } buses. (Speed) } } 7.) God left His Word to offer Truth through the ages. Keanu Reeves } barely passed History. (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure) } } 8.) God is worshipped and loved by millions. Keanu Reeves' lover kept } falling asleep. (My Own Private Idaho) } } 9.) God is all-seeing, all-knowing. Keanu Reeves can't keep 320 } gigabytes in his head for long without his brain blowing up. } (Johnny Mnemonic) } } 10.) In God's eyes: "All the world's a stage, and all the men and } women merely players." Keanu Reeves can't act. } } You owe the Oracle a Bible verse containing the word "Excellent!", and } a list of all major differences between the two Madonnas. --- 741-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great, voluminous, mammoth, gargantuan, so absolutely huge Oracle, > please tell me... > > When Bill Gates has a software problem, what help desk does he call? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the answer is......just a sec, gotta get the phone... } } (muffled, in the background) } Oracular Help Desk, Orrie speaking. ... Yes Bill, I understand what } you're asking. Are you in front of the machine? ... And the lever is } in the inactive position? ... Okay, then just sit on it facing the } stall door and the input should be hanging from a roll on the wall to } your right. ... No, that should be it until the job finishes. Bye, } bye. } } ...well, as a professional I'm not permitted to reveal this } information. } } Had I answered, you would have owed the Oracle a sign stating "the job } is not finished until the paperwork is done." --- 741-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O' great and powerful Oracle who never has a bad hair day or feels > intimidated by members of the opposite sex (whatever that may be), I > ask your help! A question has been troubling me for many years - > > Can I get radiation poisoning from sitting too close to the television? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only if the TV is turned on. Forgive the Great Oracle's curt answer, } but nothing in life is without risks. The Great Oracle believes the } harm is minimal compared to the benefits derived from watching such } shows as "The Brady Bunch." The Great Oracle does draw the line at } "Gilligan's Island", though. --- 741-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHY ARE YOU SO FAR INTO YOUR SEX LIFE YOU DON'T NOW > WERE TO GET IT WHEN IT ALL RUNNS OUT And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Doug Lewellyn: "I'm Doug Lewellyn, and welcome to the People's Court. } The plaintiff, The Usenet Oracle, claims that the defendant, a } Supplicant, asked him an inappropriate question. Rather than *ZOT* him, } the Oracle decided to seek compensation in court. This is the case of } '*ZOT* -- NOT!'" } } Rusty (baliff): "All rise. Court is in session." } } Judge Wapner [to Oracle]: "I've read your statement and heard your } testimony. You claim that the defendant asked you an inappropriate } question?" } } Oracle [to Wapner]: "Yes, your Honor. He wasted my time." } } Judge Wapner: "May I see the question, please?" } } [The Oracle hands a sheet of pin-feed computer paper to Rusty, the } court baliff, who hands it to Judge Wapner.] } } Judge Wapner: "Let's see...failure to grovel... misspelling... } gratuitous use of sex... all-caps... incorrect grammar... improper } punctuation." [To Supplicant] "Sir, can you explain this?" } } Supplicant: "I WUZ JUST ASKIN' THE 0RACLE A KWESTION." } } Judge Wapner: "I understand that, Sir. But how do you account for all } these flagrant violations of Supplicant protocol?" } } Supplicant: "PR0T0-WHAT?" } } Judge Wapner: "Protocol. An established set of rules to be followed." } } Supplicant: "PR0T0C0L RULEZ, D00D!" } } Judge Wapner: "I've heard enough. I'll be back in a few minutes with my } decision." } } [Cheesy theme song background music] } } Doug Lewellyn: "So, will the judge rule for the Oracle, or for the } defendant? Stay tuned!" } } [Commercial advertisement for accident/injury case lawyer with } moronically mnemonic toll-free phone number.] } } [Cheesy theme song background music] } } Doug Lewellyn: "And we're back. Let's see what the Judge decided." } } Judge Wapner [to Supplicant]: "This was an obvious case. The defendant } clearly violated the rules established in the Usenet Oracle's FAQ. I } find for the plaintiff." [To Supplicant] "Sir, you've violated every } guideline in the book. I'm surprised the Oracle didn't *ZOT* you. I'm } ordering you to grovel a thousand times." } } [Cut to exterior of courtroom. The Usenet Oracle walks out and joins } Doug Lewellyn.] } } Doug Lewellyn [to Oracle]: "What do you think about the Judge's } decision?" } } Oracle: "Exactly as I thought it would be, of course." } } Doug Lewellyn [winking]: "Of course. Anyway, if you'll step over there, } Rusty has some papers for you to sign. And here comes the defendant..." } [to Supplicant] "How do you feel about the Judge's decision, Sir?" } } Supplicant: "THIS SUCKS, D00D!" } } Doug Lewellyn [to audience]: "There you have it. And remember: if you } have a situation you can't resolve, don't take the law into your own } hands; you take 'em to court." } } Oracle [off camera]: "You owe the Oracle 1000 grovels." --- 741-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty and all-knowing Oracle, please help me in my quest for > enlightenment and unfettered knowledge as it relates to frying pans. > > If Teflon is the least sticky substance known to man, how do they > get it to stick to the inside of the frying pan? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They line the pan with Krazy-glue first. } } You owe the Oracle a good ol' day, before the advent of chemical } food-ware.