From oracle-request Sun Jul 2 00:10:38 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA25151; Sun, 2 Jul 1995 00:10:38 -0500 Date: Sun, 2 Jul 1995 00:10:38 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #751 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 751 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #751 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 2 Jul 1995 00:10:38 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 751 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 746 78 votes alrf5 2ilqb fqu61 9olf9 9koeb fqq74 caum4 5zfi5 9gjnb 2loeh 746 2.9 mean 2.8 3.3 2.4 2.9 3.0 2.5 2.9 2.8 3.1 3.3 --- 751-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Superlumic Oracle, who looms above, > > If you were in a car going at the speed of light, and the > light turned yellow, would you try to make it through? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } no. If there was (me forbid) an accident, not only would I be cited } for running a light, but I'd also be cited for going 647999945 miles } per hour over the speed limit! Do you know how expensive that is? So, } if this situation happened, I would slam on my brakes and pray I'm not } in an old car with drum brakes. hehehe......actually I would just ZOT } the light.... they annoy me anyway. --- 751-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise one, ask me And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, here's one for you: } } When supplicants who don't know the difference between the subject } and message parts of their outgoing mail get ZOTted, what setting } does the Oracle put his ZOTter? } } You owe the Oracle a ZOTter the goes higher than "Fry'em like an } A-bomb". Now hold still... --- 751-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and generous Oracle, who knows the reason behind all > things, pray tell me > > If coke is 'it', what is everything else ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Playing tag again? Aren't you a little old for that? Or are you } playing tag with yourself? } } Everything else is 'not it' and should run away. } } Ollie, Ollie, in-come-free. } } You owe me a can of root beer. --- 751-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Vastness of Vastnesses, O Be All of End Alls, O Qumquat of my > Heart, please answer this question that has been a burr under my > saddle for some time: > > Why are all the Oracular answers to my questions pathetically > un-funny? And why do the Keepers of the Digest repeatedly choose > the blandest of even these bland queries for the general populace? > Why have the Oracularities come to suck so much? > > I know it cannot be your fault, O Barnstormer of the Gods, unless, > of course, it is. > > Thank you for your copious time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer to your question is quite simple, my child. Joel Furr has } put a curse on the Oracle. Yea, verily the posting of the } `Frinkquently' (gag, choke) Asked Questions about lemurs causes the } overall quality of Oracular answers to lower, and the Priests' tastes } to decline, and the condition gradually gets worse and worse with every } posting of this so-called FAQ. } The Oracle has tried to be patient with Joel Furr, and has asked } him politely to stop posting the lemurs FAQ. Many times. Many, many } times. Many, many, many, many, MANY times. But now drastic action is } called for. Yes, my child, the time has come; Joel Furr must be } ZOTted! } But the destruction of such an evil creature--who has made his } vile presence known throughout Usenet for quite some time now--requires } much patience, and diligence. And cooperation from the supplicant. Of } course. } } First, lay your hand upon your heart and chant the following: "Joel } Furr must be destroyed. Joel Furr must be destroyed. Joel Furr must } be destroyed." } } Now, stand up, thrust your hands up into the air, and spin around, as } fast as you can, until you vomit. (Use ipecac syrup if necessary.) } Pick up the vomit in your hands and call out, "JOEL FURR IS A VICIOUS, } FLESH-EATING, ALL-AROUND NOT VERY NICE FELLOW! OH GODS OF USENET, } REDUCE HIM TO THE SLIME FROM WHICH HE EMERGED, WORSE SLIME THAN THIS } VOMIT WHICH I HOLD IN MY HANDS!" Whereupon the gods will be frightened } by your obvious mania and immediately begin work to destroy Joel Furr } just to get you to stop bothering them. } } If all goes well, Joel Furr will be ZOTted within two weeks' time. By } then, there will also be some non-American people ready to answer } questions--maybe even some of those hilarious Englishmen. Who knows? } One of them might even be able to answer your question in an } entertaining and amusing way, unlike this drivel spouted by a complete } imbecile! } } You owe the Usenet Oracle a book of jokes other than those about bodily } functions. --- 751-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dilbert And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, the Oracle is not Dilbert. Good guess. Oh, and in case you didn't } get the announcement (you didn't -- the Oracle knows that you didn't): } } > THE "GUESS THE TRUE IDENTITY OF THE ORACLE" Contest } > } > Yes, you can win an all-expense paid vacation, including round-trip } > airfare, to gorgeous Delphi, home of the Oracle! (No, not the on- } > line service that's appropriated the name, silly.) You'll stay at } > the exquisite Holiday Inn -- okay, it's not that exquisite...in fact } > it's a bit run-down and even the non-smoking rooms smell a bit of } > stale menthol-laced cigarettes and joints...well, it's better than } > the Motel 6 down the road, honestly -- of Bloomington, Indiana, the } > Modern Delphi, near the lovely campus of Indiana University! A pair } > of Bobby Knight's old sweat socks will greet you when you enter your } > rather nice room -- well, actually they'll just sit there on the } > top of the television set, but that's just as well because if they } > actually greeted you you'd be quite disconcerted, wouldn't you? } > } > You'll get to meet the Oracle IN PERSON, as well as the lovely Lisa! } > You'll get to have SEX with the Oracle or Lisa or both! In fact, } > Lisa will insist on having sex with you, and your personal sexual } > behavior and inclinations will be auto-magically adjusted so that } > you're sure to be willing! You'll get to buy lunch for at least } > three visiting Oracular Priests! You'll get a nine-track magtape } > including all the Collected Oracularities and the Oracle's source } > code! You'll get the keys to the city -- well, to the faculty } > lounge in the CS building, and they'll change the locks after you } > leave, but you'll have all the bad coffee you can drink and get } > to chat with World-Famous Computer Scientists -- and maybe even } > see them pick their noses! You'll even get to meet Mr. Kinzler! } > } > Contest Rules: } > } > Before 1 July (Greenwich Mean Time), send the Oracle a } > message telling It who YOU think It is. One entry per } > e-mail address. Void where prohibited. Mr. Kinzler, } > Oracular Priests, their relatives, Lisa, etc. not allowed. } > } > Helpful Clues! } > } > The Oracle is NOT any of the following: } > } > Sen. Exon } > Rep. Gingrich } > Camille Paglia } > Madonna } > Lisa (not recently, anyhow -- no more of that shtick) } > Jimmy Carter } > Anyone appearing reguarly on television } > You (unless you're the Oracle) } > Anyone's pet (except, arguably, Lisa's) } > Pope JP II } > } > Good luck! --- 751-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When is it okay to kiss another male? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When you've finished kissing the previous one. --- 751-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm kind of in a bind, here. I can't find the Devil and I would really > like to sell my soul. I'm having so much trouble making ends meet. > Oracle, do you pull similar deals? I'll even throw in a set of knives > if you act now. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You gotta be kidding. What would I do with your soul? Not to mention } the knives. I have forty-three knife sets already, thanks to an } incarnation who is no longer with us. } } Fortunately, however, I'm close, personal friends with Satan. Let's } see if I can get him on the phone. } } [Number deleted to protect Satan's privacy] } } "Hell, Myrna speaking." } } Hi there, Myrna, it's Orrie. } } "Orrie! When are you coming down again?" } } Well, let's just say [whispering] Lisa's got me on a very short leash. } } "I understand. Say no more." } } Anyway, is your boss around? } } "Yeah, the big guy's in his office. Hold on a second." } } [Exactly 12 seconds of Paul Anka's "You're Having My Baby"] } } "Orrie! How the heaven are ya?" } } Fine, fine. } } "How's the question answering biz? Got any more woodchuck-obsessed } fruitcakes for me?" } } Well, that's what I called you about. I just got a question from } someone who says he's been trying to sell you his soul, but can't get } in touch with you. } } "It's not the guy who says he'll throw in the knives, is it?" } } Yeah, how'd you guess? } } "He's been harassing Myrna and leaving tons of messages on my voice } mail for weeks! Usually, I'll jump at the chance to buy someone's } soul...but I keep trying to tell him, he doesn't have a soul for me to } buy! I mean, maybe I'll give him five bucks for the knives, if it's a } good set, but he wants to sell the soul he doesn't have for power, } respect, and so on...and I'm not gonna give that to him for a set of } crappy knives!" } } Okay, I'll write back and tell him. } } "So, you wanna play golf on Sunday?" } } I don't know... } } "We can use woodchucks instead of balls." } } Ten-thirty good for you? } } "No problem. See you then. 'Bye." } } 'Bye. } } [Click] } } There you have it. It seems you don't have a soul, but you should let } Satan know if those knives are any good. } } You owe the Oracle a dozen fresh pineapples, Senator Dole. --- 751-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is in Spam and why are Marmot's so darned attracted to it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Spam" is simply an acronym that describes the ingredients. } } S: Soy sauce } P: Potatoes } A: Artichokes } M: Marmot } } It's clear, therefore, that marmots are constantly searching for their } dead relatives in Spam. } } You owe the Oracle a good lawyer to defend him in the slander suit } Hormel is about to file. --- 751-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > -- > A great injustice has been done... and I, Altrus, have paid the p > rice. The books that I have created lead to worlds so fantastic, > they could fill a lifetime. But something has gone terribly wrong > and my creations are being destroyed by someone's greed. I suspec And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE: Lisa? } } LISA: I can't come look right now. I'm almost through with the } ``Challenger Diagramless.'' } } ORACLE: It's those idiots at Gramercy Press again. Ever since they got } on the Net, they pull stuff like this. } } LISA: What now? } } ORACLE: It's a fragment from some sort of jacket blurb. } } LISA: What are you going to do about it? } } ORACLE: Well, I can't just zot them. } } LISA: It's that receptionist, isn't it? You've had your eye on her ever } since MCI started running those commercials. } } ORACLE: Uh, no, honey, it's not that at all. } } LISA: (stony silence) } } ORACLE: I just feel I've been ZOTting a little too readily lately. I } need to be a little more deliberate. } } LISA: Fine. You can deliberate all night if you want to. (SHE LEAVES) } } You owe the Oracle a sleeping bag. --- 751-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear oracle so mighty, tell me, > > what was before life, what will be after? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the Beginning, there was no Life. In fact, there was nothing. } } And the Oracle said, "Let there be Cheerios." And lo, there were } Cheerios, and they were round and toasted. And the Oracle looked } down upon what he had created, and lo, it was good. } } The next day came, and the Oracle thought, "Lo, the Cheerios are } good, but they are crunchy and dry." So the Oracle said, "Let there } be milk." And Milk poured from the heavens, and lo, it was good. } } On the third day, the Oracle looked down, and saw that something was } missing. There were no young priests. And the Oracle saw that to have } young priests, he must have sugar to fuel them. So the Oracle said, } "Let there be Life." And lo, there was Life, and it was sprinkled in } cinnamon and sugar, and it was good. } } And so, there were young priests, and the Oracle spake unto them, } saying "You live in the Garden of Cereal, and you may eat of any tree, } save one. You must not eat of the tree of Trix, lest ye die." } } And so the priests lived, in happy bliss. Yet one day, a rabbit came } to them. And the rabbit said unto them, "You should eat from the tree } of Trix." But the priests replied, "Silly Rabbit! Trix are not for } kid priests! We shall not eat of the tree." But the Rabbit } persisted, saying unto them, "That is what the Oracle would have you } believe. But if you eat from the tree of Trix, you will actually } become one like the Oracle." } } And lo, the priests were tempted, and they ate of the tree of Trix. } And when the Oracle next came among them, lo, they did not grovel, but } stood before him brazenly. And the Oracle saw their folly, and spake } unto them, "You have eaten of the tree of Trix, that which was } forbidden. And lo, you do not grovel. Such shall be your fate." And } lo, did the Oracle *ZOT* them. } } And such it remains to this day. There is Life, and those who follow } the path laid before the Oracle are happy and fulfilled in their Life. } But those who follow the path of Trix must fear, lest they be *ZOT*ted. } } And in the future, there will be great cereals, and much bran, and then } one will come among you. This is the Anti-Life, and will cause much } suffering and irregularity. How shall ye know the Product? Ye shall } know it by the Number of the Product, and lo, the Number of the Product } is 19. } } You owe the Oracle some Kroonchy Stars.