From oracle-request Sat Jul 8 00:10:38 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA04615; Sat, 8 Jul 1995 00:10:38 -0500 Date: Sat, 8 Jul 1995 00:10:38 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #754 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 754 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #754 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 8 Jul 1995 00:10:38 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 754 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 749 84 votes 8fzfb dirfb ysg60 7ftp8 9mvf7 3bfpu bmkm9 fijn9 bgqjc 9pnl6 749 3.0 mean 3.1 2.9 1.9 3.1 2.9 3.8 3.0 2.9 3.1 2.9 --- 754-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Powerful Oracle, how Does Kellogs keep all the raisins (two > scoops worth) in their Raisin Bran from falling to the Bottom of the > box during transport? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They used to sub-contract that job out to those elves from Keebler. } Each box would be shipped with one tiny elf inside. The elf would } make sure that the raisins were well distributed in the box during } shipping. Once the box was purchased and opened, the elf would make } his way back to the Keebler tree (via a magic porthole in the } consumer's cookie jar) for reassignment. } } Sadly, this is no longer the case. When the economy started to go } foul, the elves demanded union wages for raisin duty. Kellogg's } couldn't foot the bill and was forced to can the little bastards - } figuratively speaking. Nowadays, Kellogg's just places one live } garden slug in each box of Raisin Bran to keep the raisins distributed. } It's a bit less effective (and much less hygienic), but I think you'll } agree that these sacrifices are necessary in such trying economic } times. } } You owe the Oracle two pinches of salt. --- 754-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's 6 o'clock. Do you know where your supplicants are? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's 6 o'clock? Already! Rats! I'm missing HARD COPY! } } (sound of Oracle flipping channels) } } Oracle: 4001...4002....4003. There! For a moment, I thought I was } going to miss it! Thanks for reminding me, Supplicant! } } Announcer: Tonight, on HARD COPY, we look at the strange being known } only as the Usenet Oracle. Where does he get his Supplicants from? } And, more importantly, where do they end up? } } Who is the Oracle? What is the Oracle? Is he some extradimensional } immortal, full of wisdom and insight? Or is he some cheap hustler } who hides behind the silicon screens of the Information Superhighway, } waiting to lure unsuspecting Supplicants into his web of deceit and } strange information? } } HARD COPY talked to Betty June Schneewang, of Artoscope, Iowa. Betty } once sent in a question to the "all-seeing" Oracle. What happened, } Betty? } } Betty: Well, I had just gotten my account on America Online, and } had begun to read *many* newsgroups, responding to each and every } post as a good Internaut should, when I found out about the Oracle. } } Well, I immediately sent him a question, asking about my aunt Sarah's } recipe for butter gherkins........ } } And, before I knew what was happening, I began } to receive all of this horrible email, from strange and unusual people. } I didn't know what to do! } } Announcer: What kind of email was it, Betty. } } Betty: It said things like "FAST CASH NOW" and "INS GREEN CARD } LOTTERY", and some of the others suggested that I share intimate and } carnal relations with my farm animals! } } Announcer: And you think it was the Oracle that had something to do } with this? } } Betty: Yes. The Oracle was the only other thing I used the Information } Superhighway for! Other than my 50 or 75 favorite newsgroups, that is. } But, nobody from Usenet NEWS would have *ever* sent me that kind } of information. They're just not that kind of people! } } Announcer: So, in your own words, the Oracle has ruined your life? } } Betty: Yes. } } Announcer: Well, I think that pretty well sums it up. The Oracle } is apparently ruining the lives of thousands of novice Internauts } every day, with his "alleged" wisdom. When will the government enact } legislation to control, or better still, curtail his devious games! } } Senator Axem Raxem joins us to explains a new bill, which he introduced } in congress this week, to cut off the Oracular access ports. } } Senator Raxem: Waal, I thank that this heenous Oracle person has } got to be brought to justice ! How can we allow } our little chillen to be esposed to such downright claptrap on the } Info'mashiun Super'hiway? Oughta get us together a bunch'a boys and } a rope and go take care'a this Oracle feller once'an fer all! } } Ahem. I think that we gotta put a stop to this type of poor-nography } on our computers right now, so our yung'uns can get back to playin' } good, clean, god-fearin' war games on their PCs! } } Announcer: Thank you, Senator Raxem. Well, that about sums it up! } Teri, what's next? } } Teri: Next up: OJ Simpson? What did he ask the Usenet Oracle on } that fateful night? } } Oracle: ARRGH!! I can't take it any more! } } (Sound of glass breaking & electronics shorting out) } } Oracle: Who are these morons? Where do they come from? } } (sound of a knock at the door) } } Senator Raxem: Oracle? Zzat you in there, boy? C'mon out! We got } a leetle suprise for ye! } } Oracle: Yipe! Gotta go, Supplicant! Check with me in a few days } on INSIDE EDITION, where I'll tell *my* side of the story. And, } if those good-ol boys ask, you didn't see me leave! } } (Oracle opens trap door in the floor and hops in) } } You owe the Oracle a bucket of chicken and a package of Red Man chaw. --- 754-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss > the most? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I miss being able to say "Nanny-Nanny-Booger-Fanny" to the people I } don't like. God knows, I'd love to do that around here from time to } time. } } You owe the Oracle a 5-year old's Christmas morning. --- 754-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was George Adamski telling the truth in his book about UFOs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For this answer, I will need some help. So I contacted Agent Fox } Mulder of the FBI. Agent Mulder, could you please shed some light on } this question. } } Fox: As far as he knew, yes. But of course, hallucinogens can do that } to you. } } Oracle: So you're saying that he was using drugs and out of his mind? } } Fox: Yes, though he did have some good ideas. Of course, he should } have tried to be a little bit more realistic in his hoaxes. Come on, } aliens living on Venus? Get real. Everybody knows that aliens live on } Mars. I've even met a few. Short and green, but rather nice... } } Oracle: Thanks again for the answer, Fox. } } You owe the Oracle a genuine Venusian. --- 754-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I'd like a serving person that isn't obsequious and fawning, a } burger that doesn't contain 17 grams of fat, a thick shake I can drink } without sucking hard to enough to make my ears bleed, an apple pie that } does not contain lava, some chicken nuggets that are made from chicken, } a quarter pounder that weighs a quarter of a pound, and a large coke } that has more coke than ice. No, I don't want fries with that, I want } _chips_, and no I don't want to have a nice day wished upon me by } someone that has no concern about the kind of day I'm having. } } You owe the Oracle a Pizza. Or some Fried Chicken. --- 754-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, whose every exhalation is utter sweetness, what do > you hate finding in your drink the most: floaties, sinkies, or > swimmies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. Actually, the thing I hate finding in my drinks the most is no } alcohol. } } You owe the Oracle a hangover cure. --- 754-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, your knowledge is so vast as to dwarf the Milky Way > (the galaxy, not the candy bar!) and is so thorough that it makes > the libraries of the world look insignificant in comparison. > Please help me. > > I really, really need to know exactly what happens if you > remove that little tag that says "Do Not Remove Under Penalty > of Law" from your mattress. I mean, it was an accident. I was > just fastening those little elastic straps...well, nevermind > the details. Suffice it to say that I'm sitting here typing this > with the curtains closed and with the phone off the hook. What > will they do to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that depends if you were Under Penalty of Law when you removed } the tag. } } If you were, the Dreaded Mattress Police will burst into the } house next door at 2 A.M. and drag your neighbors to the Pit of Doom } (R). When the mistake becomes known, a Congressional Hearing will be } held to give various Politicians the Free Publicity they desire. You } will have your Various Moral Transgressions held up for the nation to } view on CNN as part of the discussion. } } If you were not Under Penalty of Law, you have no problem, as the } label clearly states: } DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW. } } ****************************************************************** } * This Oracular statement is certified to be 100% pure electrons * } * This label not to be removed under penalty of law. * } ****************************************************************** --- 754-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, Jobs in Australia ... Model 204 SAP And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bureau of Labour Relations } 12 Wollongong Road } Canberra 5622, ACT } Australia } } Anonymous Supplicant } c/o The Usenet Oracle } Computer Science Department } Indiana University } Bloomington, IN } USA } } Dear Mr. or Ms. Supplicant: } } Regarding your note, forwarded to us by T. U. Oracle, re. modeling jobs } in Australia: we regret to inform you that at present there are no } modeling agencies in Australia which are seeking the services of } someone with your qualifications. These days, the Elle McPherson look } is "in" and the haggard, unshaven, programmer look is "out." } } Sincerely, } } Woodward W. Woodchuck } Director, } Bureau of Labour Relations --- 754-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oh great Oracle, wisest of All Oracles, one and Only Oracle, > single (and best) member of the All American Oracle club, why does my > computer crash on me so often? Usually, it's when I'm on the net or > using a browser. It just freezes up or bombs, and makes me really > unhappy. I really don't want to trash this computer. Please shed some > light on my problem, oh Wise Almighty! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } DAMNIT! How come my @#$*#$&@!# computer is always crashing on me when } I'm just getting ready to send a Answer to a supplicant. And this } supplicant even groveled, and you know how unusual that is these days! } } Ok, lets see what's wrong with this piece of *&^$#%# computer. } LIIIISSSAAAA, where's my *@#$&*@$&* Phillips *@#$&@# screwdriver. } Oh, here it is ... NEEEEVVEEERRRMMMIIINNNDDD, I found it. } } Now I've got my Phresent-Pfilfers-Osciliating-Dilbertizing-Diagnostic } meter plugged in, lets turn it on and see what it says. Hummmmh, } that's strange it's got an error code of E284-1588-S. Wonder what } the manual says about that. Now, scratch scratch scratch, where that } cursed manual. Oh, that's right I put it under the work bench leg to } keep the bench from wobbling. } } KRRAAASSSSSHHHHHH, hell, I've got to clean that damn workbench off one } of these days. OK, let's see here, error code E284-1588-S translates } as "Jealous Loop Condition-this error code can be generated when your } PC thinks that you have been ignoring it and spending too much time } with other strange, perhaps more exotic computers in other places. } Solution: There is no solution, try and stay off the net so much and } hope the case doesn't advance the error code of E291-4053, the Fatal } Instinct Error Condition." } } In payment the Oracle expects you to spend more time on your local } machine and for God's sake, dress up your Home Page a little bit too! --- 754-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who art most cute and suggly, please give me the benefit of > your insight... > > How should I go about becoming a saint? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I will not bore you with unfunny references to the New Orleans } football team, or to television shows featuring Roger Moore. } } I'm sorry to inform you that sainthood is a much harder accolade } to achieve these days. First, you have to die (this has always been a } requirement). Next, someone has to petition the church to grant } sainthood. This is done by demonstrating that you were directly } responsible for three miracles (as recognized by the Catholic Church; } see Bob's Big Blue Book of Catholic Doctrine, Volume 276, Chapter 12 } (Miracles)). } } Obviously, these miracles have to have been accomplished while } you were alive (although exceptions may be granted if you appear as a } vision and perform healings (q.v. Bob's Big Blue Book of Catholic } Doctrine, v.276, ch.12, sections 10-12 (Fatima et. al.) (an AMA license } is required to perform healings within the borders of the United States } and its territories; such requirement is not abated if healer is dead } (q.v. Bob's Big Blue Book of U.S. Federal Law, v.301, ch.10)))). As } you can easily see, performing a miracle ain't easy these days. } } However, if you think you have what it takes, here are some } things you might care to try to fulfill the miracle requirement (pick } any three): } } o Break Microsoft's stranglehold on the computing industry. } o Endow all AOL/Prodigy users with common sense. } o Balance the Federal budget. } o Make Rosanne Barr appealing. } o Convince Capitol Hill that the Bill Of Rights is there for a } reason. } o Get a third-party candidate elected as President (not Perot). } o Create a mass-market orange soda that actually tastes like } orange. } o Resurrect the Amiga computer. } o Get the press to stop covering the OJ trial before the year } 2004. } o Lower cellular phone airtime rates. } o Deploy easy-to-use mass-market strong encryption technologies } within the United States and abroad (this scores extra, since } you'll have the added benefit of martyrdom). } o Discover which long distance company actually has the lowest } rates. } o Deploy fiber optic networks to mass-market homes without trying } to recover the costs by offering only Pay-Per-View and Home } Shopping. } o Outlive George Burns. } } I'm sure others will come to mind, but this should give you a } rough idea of how tough sainthood is these days. } } You owe The Oracle a crucifix with the figure of Bill Gates.