From oracle-request Thu Jul 20 08:38:03 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id IAA26686; Thu, 20 Jul 1995 08:38:03 -0500 Date: Thu, 20 Jul 1995 08:38:03 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #757 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 757 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #757 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 20 Jul 1995 08:38:03 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 757 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 752 88 votes 2eosk 9atrd 5Cx57 2iBo7 2kus8 4aHp6 etpf5 6bksn 5qBg4 5bkum 752 3.2 mean 3.6 3.3 2.7 3.2 3.2 3.2 2.6 3.6 2.9 3.6 --- 757-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I access the WWW? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Wild Wombles of Wimbledon can be accessed, with a good deal of } patience, by installing yourself very quietly on a park bench (the } green one) situated towards the far reaches of the Common. Best times } are around sun rise and sun set, most days during summer time (except } Wimbledon fortnight, when they prefer to stay in their burrows and } watch the highlights of the day's play). Winter time is not good, as } they don't have clocks or watches, and can't get used to the time } change. Wombles are neither diurnal nor nocturnal; they just like the } cooler and, above all, calmer periods towards the beginning and end of } day when there are fewer humans (or "big people") around to disturb } them. It sometimes helps, when going Womble-accessing, to equip } yourself with an anorak (not brightly coloured, please!) and a } newspaper (preferably a quality broadsheet, we're talking BBC here). } The anorak is used to (a) blend into the back ground, and (b) keep } warm; the newspaper is used to (c) hide behind, and (d) read. } By sitting very quietly and still, with luck you will see one or more } Wombles going about their daily business. Wombles look pretty much like } your average small, furry creature. You can tell them apart from the } squirrels by their stylish (well, they were stylish in the 1970s) } dungarees and their strange, BBC-English type accents. Wombles are shy } creatures, however, and you will need to gradually win their } confidence. Once you have gained their confidence, though, you will } find them quite easy to access. Just go behind the bushes, as there are } laws against that sort of thing nowadays. --- 757-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [The setting is one of disarray. On a table sits an original IBM-PC > case which has been retrofitted to contain a 486DX-33 with 8mb RAM and > 200mb HD space. A 14" VGA monitor with a tendancy to just go red > occasionally sits next to it. Piled next to and on top of this are > IDE, VESA-LB, and PCI cards, cables, and all manner of paper and > manuals. Empty Pepsi cans are stacked next to the table, threatening > to tip over if someone as much as sneezes. A few Intel(tm) CPU > extracting tools sit next to a well-beaten keyboard and a Logitech > mouse. Surrounding the table lie the carcasses of several 486DX2-66 > and Pentium-60 systems, all in various stages of being assembled. > > In the middle of all of this, sitting on a red padded vinyl chair, sits > a large college student...6'5" tall, 310 lbs. His eyes are bloodshot. > Movement in his chest indicates that he had better lay off the Pepsi > soon, before his heart spontaniously bursts out of his chest and runs > away screaming. > > He moves and clicks the mouse around the screen for a bit. A modem > somewhere in the room bleeps and dials. The student begins typing on > the keyboard.] > > Oh great Oracle, whose operational parameters I am not worthy to > calculate, please hear my cry. > > I have these 486DX2-66 motherboards, right? I've tried replacing the > RAM in them, I've tried replacing the CPU, the IDE card, the SVGA card, > everything! > But they keep...hanging...up...on...me. > > IT'S DRIVING ME MAD!!! It's you, isn't it??? YOU'RE DOING THIS TO ME! > STOP IT! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! AUUUUGHHH!!! > > [The student collapses under the desk. His hand reaches up long enough > to hit a few keys on the keyboard to send the message.] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please carm down and do not let this drive you insane. } } The problems you are encountering are due to the spirits of the } original Motherboard that was in the IBM case. These spirits are upset } with you to think that you could throw out a 8086 motherboard to } upgrade to a 486DX2-66. } } The way to get solve your problems is to find the original Motherboard } and put it back into the case to which it rightly belongs, this will } please the spirits and they will leave you alone. } } Then all you need to do in order to get a machine working is to buy a } new case !!!. Simple. } } Then if you are still having problems try sending me one of the many } motherboards you seem to have available, then I may be able to upgrade } from a basic 386DX40 !!. --- 757-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and all-knowing Oracle-- sorry for the lousy grovel, but > THERE'S A GIANT PIKE AFTER ME!! Not one of those merely > mean-tempered muskies, but a evil, malicious PIKE! He's at least > three feet long, with big, pointy teeth! He's chased me through all > of the biology building, and now he's pounding on the... AAAUUUGGHH! > *HELP*!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant: } } I'm glad to see that you have had a chance to make aquaintance } with my collection agency. You see, having looked over your records } recently, it was discovered that you have been remiss in giving unto } the Oracle which is the Oracle's (to steal and modify a quote from } Christ.) } It turns out that you are now four months past due on your } payment of, and I quote, "One large peanut butter and jelly sandwich, } delivered by a dork in a gorilla suit" in payment for the answer to the } question, "Who would be the worst person I could pick on?". } I shall call "Enrico" off the hunt. Please make your payments } as soon as possible. I would hate to have to send "Sasha" out after } you. } } He *is* rather Cthuloid, after all. } } - Oracle, the Vengeful. --- 757-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, whose technical expertise is outshadowed by > no other's, I need to get a new monitor for my PC, and I'm > trying to decide which kind to get. There are two different > sizes available: 17" and 21". I've heard that 21" screens > are less ergonomic, and tend to give the user eyestrain. Is > this true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Many references in historical literature prove that larger monitors are } better than smaller ones: } } Little Red Riding Hood: "Why, Grandmother, what big keys you have!" } Grandmother: "The better to type with, my dear!" } Little Red Riding Hood: "And Grandmother, what a big monitor you have!" } Grandmother: "The better to see with, my dear!" } } Evil Queen: "Monitor, monitor on the wall, which is the fairest screen } of all?" } Monitor: "Multisyncarella is the sharpest, and diagonally she } is the largest." } Evil Queen: "Curses!" } Monitor: "Yes, and cursors show up larger, too." } } Father bear: "Someone has been using my 15 inch monitor!" } Mother bear: "Someone has been using my 17 inch monitor!" } Baby bear: "Someone has been using my 21 inch monitor, and she's still } here!" } Goldilocks: "Wow! Doom really kicks on this screen!" } } Big Bad Wolf: "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your screen } down!" [Wolf blows down pig's 15" monitor; pig buys a 17" monitor.] } Big Bad Wolf: "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your screen } down!" [Wolf blows down pig's 17" monitor; pig buys a 21" monitor.] } Big Bad Wolf: "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your screen } down!" [Wolf blows but has no effect; pigs rejoice in their choice of a } 21" monitor, and celebrate by cooking the wolf on the massive power } supply.] --- 757-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and wonderful Oracle, whose love letters to Lisa read like the > most beautifully crafted prose, whose penmanship on your grocery list > is like fine calligraphy, whose nose hairs I am unworthy of clipping, > please tell me: > > The U.S. Postal Service is wonderful. Who ever imagined that I'd get to > lick the back of Marilyn Monroe's head--and pay only 32 cents for the > privilege! Please tell me, O wise Oracle, what other personalities I'll > have the future pleasure of exchanging my saliva for their glue. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yes, the "Marilyn Monroe" stamp. Just the thought of it makes me } feel like sending my Christmas cards out early this year.... } } Well, the "Marilyn Monroe" stamp and the equally popular "young Elvis" } stamp are part of an effort by the Postal Service to improve their } public image. In recent years, the PO has gotten a lot of negative } publicity just because mailhanders have a tendancy to going on killing } sprees. As a result of these incidents, many postal workers have been } transferred to new positions at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and } Firearms...but I digress... } } Anyway, the new PO is going to be hip, sexy, and a bit wacky. The } Postal Board of Governors hopes to make philately the hobby of the } 90's. After the "Marilyn Monroe" stamp, you'll probably be } disappointed with the rest of the stamps for 1995. You can browse them } at http://www.usps.gov (I wish I were kidding), but don't bother, } unless you have a thing for Louis Armstrong, James K. Polk, or Milton } S. Hershey. (Don't be mislead by the stamp entitled "Cupid in } Horizontal Position"; it isn't what you think...) } } 1996 will be the big year for the new PO. While the final designs have } yet to be unveiled, I can tell you that you'll find stamps featuring: } } - Sinbad } - Kim Basinger } - "Lucky" Whatever-his-name-is from the Diet Coke commercials } - The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. } - Marina Sirtis } - A block of four stamps featuring "Charlie's Angels", "Police } Woman", "Wonder Woman", and "The Bionic Woman" } - Seinfeld } - The Animanics } - A full book of stamps featuring various figures from the O.J. } Simpson trial. } } You owe the Oracle a page of the "Richard Nixon" stamps and a } cancelling machine. --- 757-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's ten minute Quiz time, oh super-intelligent brain-knows-no-bounds > Oracle. Could you please answer the following: > > 1) A greeting between native Americans, as always seen in old 'western' > films. > 2) The month after February > 3) The opposite of wouldn't > 4) The opposite of wouldn't > 5) The first letter of the alphabet > 6) The opposite of wouldn't > 7) Another word for throw, 5 letters long, rhymes with 'muck' > 8) Another word for throw, 5 letters long, rhymes with 'muck' > 9) The acronym for Interchange File Format Algorithm. > 10) The opposite of wouldn't > 11) Another word for throw, 5 letters long, rhymes with 'muck' > 12) If something's not bad, it's ____. And if you take the first > letter off and replace it with the third letter of the alphabet... > 13) Another word for throw, 5 letters long, rhymes with 'muck' > 14) The opposite of wouldn't > 15) Which is the most common way to end a sentence, and is not a full > stop or an exclamation mark? > > Thanks Orrie, now type all the answers on one line and you will see > your reward. Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle does not see the humor or interest you (and others) appear } to have in in 'wood chucks'. } We suggest you seek professional help. } However, we found your approach more refreshing than previous attempts. } } Try getting a life, or a least a reasonable facsimile (I can talk !).- --- 757-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tellme what is the difference between ethics and morals? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This seems an odd question. I didn't know that there was any } confusion. } } Ethix is a variant of Unix being developed at the 700 Club Center for } Innovative Computer Applications. It's designed to help computer users } behave in a manner more consistent with traditional Judeo-Christian } values. Here are some of its features: } } o It makes value judgments about the contents of your files. For } example, your nude GIFs of Marina Sirtis would be replaced by a } lovely image of that inspirational "Footsteps in the Sand" } poster. } } o "vi" stands for "virtuous". } } o Obviously, there are many Usenet newsgroups to which you won't } be able to subscribe. In addition to the obvious "alt.sex" } groups, "alt.politics.democrat", "alt.politics.communist", } "alt.politics.libertarian" and "alt.fan.hillary" are forbidden. } } o All numerical operations are performed in floating point } hedonistic calculus. } } o Cute quotations from "Life's Little Instruction Book" pop up at } random intervals. } } In contrast, morels are large, edible mushrooms. } } You owe the Oracle an immoral operating system (and no bad jokes about } Windows 95) and some mildly poisonous mushrooms. --- 757-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, wise as the sky-- > A general hell of a guy-- > Should I butter my bread > With real butter or "spread?" > I wait, all agog, for reply. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh Asker of Questions, with your bread all a-bakin,' } Here is my answer (though of gender you're mistaken). } Oleo as butter will plug up your heart, } If you value your life, try to be smart; } It may say "low fat", believe me, they're fakin'--- } You're better off stuffing your face with plain bacon. } } The Oracle wishes that you observe a moment of silence for the dead } wombat strapped to David Hasselhoff's chest. --- 757-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is Shotokai karate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On a small island of southwestern Japan around the 2nd century, a small } band of ostracized Shaoulin Monks landed. They were masters in the } "Chicken Style" of Kung-Fu. Their teaching evolved after their deaths, } especially with the advent of tall pagodas. You see, shoto is japanese } for "Shot" and Kai is the japanese suffix for a "floor." In short the } style involved climbing up to some high floor of the pagoda while the } enemy remained banging at the door at the base. The master, who is } wielding a large heavy mass would, as karate implies, "Empty his } hands," onto his opponent. An ancient japanese martial arts expert } once reviled this form of karate as being cowardly and its practicers } as being feckless. He held this belief until his death some months } later when, in an appearant freak accident, he was crushed under the } weight of a sofa, a dresser, and a desk that happened to fall out of } three different apartments. Later on the Japanese named their income } tax, the shotokuzei, after this style for its similarly crushing } effects. } } You owe the oracle a titanium umbrella. --- 757-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose wisdom is beyond reckoning, please spare me a moment of > your time and answer my question. > > I have heard that with great power comes great responsibility. Does > great wisdom come with anything extra? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it can. For 80 cents extra, you can also get fries & slaw. The } truely wise would steer clear of the slaw. } } You owe the Oracle your undying grattitude!