From oracle-request Fri Jul 28 08:54:07 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id IAA25939; Fri, 28 Jul 1995 08:54:07 -0500 Date: Fri, 28 Jul 1995 08:54:07 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #760 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 760 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #760 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 28 Jul 1995 08:54:07 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 760 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 755 81 votes 8mxh1 8fxi7 86gro 3cnvc 3dqof 8mpj7 5rz77 botb6 cgeli cfiqa 755 3.1 mean 2.8 3.0 3.7 3.5 3.4 2.9 2.8 2.7 3.2 3.1 --- 760-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who thought up the idea of a rabbit that runs around hiding eggs in > people's yards every year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well duh! } Would you prefer the kiddie go around nailing people up on crosses and } hoping they come back to life!?!?!?!? } Compared to that, a rabbit hiding eggs seems pretty humane! } You owe the Oracle 4 Cadbury Chocolate Eggs! --- 760-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and noble Oracle, whose cooking is more frugal than > even the Frugal Gourmet, I just learned of something interesting that > I must share with you! There is a lady who went to Neiman Marcus and > wanted to buy a chocolate chip cookie recipe, and they charged her > $250 for it! Can you believe that?!? I am amazed! Anyway, I was > wondering if you had a copy of this recipe, that I might share it for > free with all the people who read all the newsgroups and mailing lists > that I do. Thanks in advance! > > Sincerely, > > A. Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmm? Oh, the cookie recipe. I'll be with you in a moment. I've got } this albino alligator in here...he crawled up from out of the } sewer...and I've been bashing his head in with a stick. } } There we go. Ah, Neiman-Marcus. I was in their store on Michigan } Avenue in Chicago the other day, and I was in the elevator with Reggie } Jackson and his German shepherd--who was gagging on a finger he had } bitten off a burglar--and also Burt Reynolds, who revealed to me his } calling card number that anyone in the country can use to make free } phone calls...but you didn't ask about that, you asked about the cookie } recipe. } } I went through their Oriental rug department, avoiding the woman who } was having convulsions on the floor after being bitten by a poisonous } spider, and asked at the service desk for the recipe. Here it is. } } THE FAMOUS NEIMAN-MARCUS COOKIE RECIPE } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } ($249.96. Visa, Mastercard, American Express, or Neiman-Marcus charge } accepted) } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } 1. Take one (1) package of Pillsbury brand chocolate-chip cookie dough. } 2. Follow the directions on the package. } 3. Think about Neiman-Marcus while eating. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } As you can see, $250 doesn't go as far these days as it used to. On my } drive home I stopped at a bakery to get some fresh cookies. Much } better. I saw someone driving with their lights off in the opposite } lane, but I didn't try to signal them. That's a good way to get shot } as part of a gang initiation. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Pop Rocks and a rubbing of Jerry Mathers' } name from the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. --- 760-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: csf The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My mouse seems to be broken, because it takes a lot of rolling to get > it to move sideways, but it goes up and down just fine. Can I just > trade it for a better one? I'm at terminal 22, if that matters. > > ================== > Jane Doe > St Elmo Medical Center And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jane, } } Your mouse is not broken, merely fat. You may notice that while it } appears to move up and down, it is still a bit slow doing that. Once } your mouse has lost some weight, it will have not problems scuttling } sideways, and moving up and down will be a whole new delightful } experience too. I'll send the appropriate commands for Orrie's 4-point } mouse weight loss programme ("Point-and-click, point-and-click, drag, } draaaag, select now! OK, roll it out, OK, mouse, roll it oouuut") to } terminal 22 now. } } You owe the Oracle Richard Simmons' phone number. --- 760-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie I think I may have a bit of a.... headache? take two aspirin > and call me in the...morning has broken...my foot and I cannot move...a > twenty ton elephant....who never forget...me nots are a rare breed > of...sausage.... > > *WHACK* (hits head with board) > > Problem. I can't seem to keep...the weight off? Try > new...ultraguard the finest protection against ... measles mumps, and > rubella can be warded off with a simple injection of...prune juice. > Next add 2 cups of baking powder, a small egg and bake for twenty > minutes in the...Sahara desert... > > ****WHACK!!!!***** > > My mind on anything..... help!! (me help me sir he said .....) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stand up, immediately. } } Remove your long-lost remote control from beneath the cushions you were } sitting on. } } Relieving the pressure on the > button should solve the problem nicely. } } You owe the Oracle that neato tinfoil hat you're wearing... no extra } charge for finding the remote. --- 760-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > my life is in shambles, what should I do? > > ------------------------------------------ > Golden BBS BBS: 123-456-7890 > Nowhere, ID Voice/Fax: 123-456-7891 > ------------------------------------------ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, BBS, if I can call you that, I realize that it is hard to } be a good BBS in these trying times. It's hard to live up to the } rep of "Golden", I understand that. } } You have my simpathy. Now, get a hold of yourself, moderate yourself, } and in general, get a life. } } You can do this by making your bits more meaningful. Become, say, } an adult BBS. One that specializes in Naughty Pictures of Newt's Bits! } That a large byte of bits for you. } } Listen, I am going to be going on vacation soon and, well, I'd } consider it a real favor if you could take over the job here. } } I have faith in you, Golden BBS! I have faith. } } You owe the Oracle a better signature. --- 760-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come your e-mail address ain't oracle@delphi.com? Was Edith > Hamilton pulling the wool over our eyes all these years? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How soon they forget. } } Long ago in the history of the Internet, DELPHI became the first } major online service to unleash its hordes upon world. To gain } marketing share and visibility, they decided that they needed to } acquire some major, important Internet service as their own-- } and who but the Usenet Oracle could be more important or more } appropriate? } } So they made a deal with Steve Kinzler to transfer me from } oracle@moose.cs.indiana.edu, as I was known in those days, to } oracle@delphi.com. In return, Steve received a full-expenses-paid } trip to Barcelona to stay for several weeks before and during } the Olympics. (He told everyone he was going there to help } with computer graphics for the TV broadcasts, but he was really } lounging on the beach where he was tutored in Catalan by various } nubile females). } } Things were less happy for me. delphi.com was the AOL of its } day, and once I was installed there my brain became ... affected. } Until then, my querents had enjoyed their intellectual fencing } with me. They could send me a question about Lisa's undies } and expect me to respond with a brilliant analogy between bra } straps and the topology of non-Euclidean space. But now the } typical exchange began to look more like this: } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } >Is it true that Lisa ghost-authored Anais Nin's diaries? } >And that you used to get together with Henry Miller in } >Morocco and smoke hashish? And how does this all tie in } >with the current interest in French poststructuralist } >feminism? } } And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle: } } }lisa''s a babe You got any GIFs of her for me?? } }also how do i download these pix from this stupid } }internet???? } }Steve! Hey Steve! Do I still gotta tell them they } }owe me somthing?? HEY STEVE YOU BUTTMONGER WHERE } }oh crap i forgot hes in spane OK this ones' free guy } } When word of all this reached Kinzler, he returned home in horror, } broke his contract with Delphi, and restored me to sanity. } } P.S. Don't bother looking for my Delphi responses in the archives; } in a particularly Bolshevekian rewriting of history, Kinzler } had them all expunged and replaced by responses from Oracular } Priests David Sewell and Harold the Foot. } } You owe the Oracle a vow of secrecy. --- 760-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Give me a O > Give me a R > Give me an A > Give me a C > Give me an L > Give me an E > > Orri Orri Oracle Shish Boom Bah > Your the greatest yes you are! > > Know all the stuff! > More than enough! > Kind of cute and sensitive but still really tough! > > YaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY ORACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > (Should I change my name to Muffi? Or should I keep my day job?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar! } This supplication is real hard to swaller! } } Head, shoulders, nose and knees! } The Oracle really wants to please! } } Lion, tiger, kangaroo! } What should an omniscient being do? } } Aces, deuces, one-eyed Jack! } Should we send an answer back? } } Power mower, rake, and shovel! } Hate the question; love the grovel! } } Decade, year, month and day! } Lisa tells me: What the hey! } } So circus clown, sideshow freak! } Here's the answer that you seek! } } Give me an E! } Give me an X! } Give me an L! } Give me an A! } Give me an X! } } What's that make you do? } } Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! } } [for it that is!] } ***** } } You owe the Oracle a video of your special baton twirling routine (the } one with the German shepard and the watermelon). --- 760-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Fantastic, Furry Oracle, I have decided that I cannot achieve true > happiness unless I have a tail, so I have decided to have a transplant. > The only question remaining is, which kind of tail should I get? > I mean, a beaver tail would help me swim fast, and a kangaroo tail > could really smack people I don't like, and a cow tail would be kind > of cute. Which kind should I get? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It really depends on what you want to do with your tail. Each kind of } tail has it's benefits, as well as it's drawbacks... } } Tail type Benefits Drawbacks } ======================================================================== } Beaver tail Fast swimming Wet, matted fur is kind } of disgusting } } Kangaroo tail Increased jumping ability Have to carry your kids } everywhere } } Cow tail Not-as-good fly swatter Do you *really* want to } resemble a cow? } } Horse tail Built-in fly swatter Attract the flies in } the first place } } Rabbit tail Really, really cute Constantly pregnant } } Cat tail Allows great agility Forced to chase rodents } } Large dog tail Allows you to knock over Tail constantly gets } any breakable object at stepped on } will } } Small dog tail Lots of attention, petting, People expect you to do } and cool treats dumb tricks all day } long } } Monkey tail Can hang upside from trees People make dumb faces } and noises at you and } try to teach you sign } language } } Deer tail Really cute, allows fast Easily hypnotized by } running, makes women get bright lights } all mushy } } Unix tail Allows foreknowledge of the Triples required } future caffeine intake } } Woodchuck tail Able to travel forests well Target practice for } immortals } } You owe the Oracle a t-rex tail. --- 760-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There should be a knob on the right hand side of your keyboard. } That is the keyboard volume knob. Turn it up, please. If there is no } knob located on the right hand side of your keyboard, then there is } probably one sitting in front of the keyboard. --- 760-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most saintly, whose religion is widely taught and followed, whom > we pray to every night and confess our sins to during the day - I > praise you in return for a meagre response. > > What are the seven signs of the Apocalypse? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Seven Signs of The Apocalypse } } 1) Ronald Regan becomes President of the United } States. } 2) Michael Jackson marries Lisa Marie Presley } 3) Elvis doesn't come back from the dead when #2 happens. } 4) Star Trek: The Next Generation goes off the air. } 5) The Internet becomes too large for its britches, busting } from the seams with 500,000,000 people all trying to read } alt.sex.hampsters.duct-tape at once. } 6) Kevin Costner grows gills. } 7) Windows 95 is released. } } So, as you can see, you have until mid-August to get your Apocalypse } shopping done! } } You owe the Oracle one Apocalypse shelter, complete with a lifetime } supply of beef jerky and Snapple, and a copy of Windows 95 (for } archeological reasons).