From oracle-request Sun Aug 27 00:10:33 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA03509; Sun, 27 Aug 1995 00:10:33 -0500 Date: Sun, 27 Aug 1995 00:10:33 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #768 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 768 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #768 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 27 Aug 1995 00:10:33 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 768 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 763 111 votes 6npDi 5uJla 4pPp6 3ostr 8kByc 7buxu 2gwHi 4huCm 3ksBn 7gttu 763 3.4 mean 3.4 3.0 3.0 3.5 3.2 3.6 3.5 3.5 3.5 3.5 --- 768-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most high Oracle, who could number every blade of grass, if he had a > reason: > > Why is it that weeds grow best in my lawn, while grass grows best in > the cracks of the sidewalk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a common phenomenon. If you've ever tried to grow wild flowers } (i.e., weeds with nice-looking blossoms), you'll find that they *will } not grow*. Instead, all you'll get is... grass. } } Grass growing in the cracks of sidewalks is an attempt by the grass to } achieve weed status (i.e., growing where it is not wanted), since the } grass resents the weeds crowding it in the lawn. } } Most people don't believe that plants have psycology. Most people also } have pretty crappy-looking lawns. } } You owe the Oracle a 55-gallon drum of Round-Up. --- 768-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! I got your message, addressed to "Commander", to "Damn the > torpedoes and full speed ahead." Well, we cavalry types don't use > many torps, but - hey - I know your sense of humor. > > So, we went full steam ahead. But - now - there's Indians all 'round. > Never saw so many Indians. You caused this - what do I do now? > > --G. A. Custer And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, if you could, please fill out this survey and mail it back to } us...well, considering, maybe you ought to put it in some oilcloth } and just hold onto it. Don't worry, we'll have plenty of time to } pick it up. } } SO YOU'VE JUST BEEN SENTENCED TO CERTAIN DEATH BY YOUR COUNTRY } } RESPONSE FORM } CHECK ALL THAT APPLY } } 1. The President of the united states is } < > A swell guy } < > A complete git } < > Going to get me out of this mess I just know it } < > Going to be real sorry when I see him again } < > A nice hot meat pie } } 2. The enemies I am fighting are } < > Barbarians } < > Heathen } < > Pretty swell guys } < > Pretty swell at taking scalps } < > Not going to take fifty bucks and forget about this are they? } < > Surrounding me this minute } } 3. The weapons I was assigned are } < > Rad } < > Hoopy } < > Jamming } < > No I mean really jamming YOU ASS WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! } < > About as useful as a bloody glove in an OJ Trial } } 4. I will be soon arriving home in } < > A nice satiny hearse } < > A wooden box } < > A shoe box } < > The next shipment of Quality Vulture Pie of the Month Incorporated } < > Something that would make a rat sick } < > Rat sick } } 5. I would like to wish all my family and friends at home } < > Farewell and I'll see you in the next world } < > Where were you when I was in line to enlist? } < > I'm glad you're gone especially you Mildred with that damn whine } < > Were between me and these Indians } } THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND HONESTY --- 768-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, master of knowledge, ruler of lands and in all a C00L > daity, please answer my unworthy question: > > Do cellular phones kill? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cellular phones kill in a number of ways: } - Emitted radiation increases cancer risk } - Increased transmissions means greater chance Earth will be noticed by } hungry alien civilizations } - Impair driving abilities and cause traffic fatalities } - Ability to do business while commuting leads to longer periods of } work-related stress and more heart attacks } - Increased efficency of business means more pollution and greater } enslavement of small resource-poor Third World nations } - Used as a bludgeoning instrument } - Choked on } - 3133t3 d00dz WHo KL0Ne phON3s Ki113d bY SeCReT SeRViCe aGeNTs --- 768-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oraculamus magnificat, mea dicere: > > Si lignum marmota posse conicere, quantum lignum marmota coniceamus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Marmota coniceamus CLVI cubitae, if you must know. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Aeneid. Autographed. --- 768-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > satellite internet access And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Catamite with a pet abscess. --- 768-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All knowing and most wise Oracle, > Please answer this one question for an new subscribee who could well > have missed the answer if the question has been asked before, > 'What is the meaning of Life? (Human Life that is) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle visibly restrains Itself from erupting in an epic, booming } fury, clenches its teeth around the cigar It is smoking, and throws } down the racing form it was perusing. } "The meaning of _life_?" the Oracle sighs, in an irritated Brooklyn } accent. "You want me to quote some tired Douglas Adams joke at you } maybe?" The supplicant swallows nervously as the Oracle stands, } planting both palms on Its desk. "Would regurgitating some Monty } Python bit be more to your liking?" } "Err, I'm sorry your magnanimousness," the supplicant begins to } apologize, interrupted by the Oracle, who has now raised Its voice and } gestures angrily with Its cigar. } "How about I make some hokey reference to Life-the-boardgame or } Conway's Life. Jiminy cricket, you probably wouldn't even get the } reference! I'd probably have to sink to some reference to } Life-the-cereal or Life-the-magazine just to elicit some response other } than a blank stare." } "Please forgive me, your Oracleship," the supplicant pleads, now } terrified and trembling. "It's just that I wanted to..." } "You wanted to see yourself on the newsgroup is what you wanted, you } little punk!" The Oracle was now pointing an accusing finger at the } supplicant, Its face an angry beet red. "You think you'll get on the } newsgroup with a pathetic question like..." } "Now listen here!" the Supplicant interrupted, aswim with fear and } anger. "I don't care if you _are_ omnipotent and omniscient - that } doesn't give you the right to abuse me like that! Just because my } question isn't as clever as important as what you're used to doesn't } mean it isn't important to _me_!" The supplicant looked like it was on } the verge of breaking down in overwhelmed tears. } "Aw, c'mon kid, I'm only giving you the business. You're new in town, } and I'd be a real heel if I reduced you to a pile of smoldering ash } just for asking questions, right?" The Oracle smiled a warm, } reassuring smile and playfully punched the supplicant on the shoulder. } "I... guess," the supplicant answered weakly. } "Tell you what, pal. You want the meaning of life, I'll give you the } meaning of life. Look in your pocket." The supplicant followed the } Oracle's suggestion and soon produced a fortune cookie, already } forgotten from lunch at the neighborhood Chinese restaraunt, earlier } that day. Looking at the Oracle for reassurance, the supplicant broke } open the morsel and read the enclosed slip of paper. } } MEANING OF LIFE IS AS FOLLOWS: EAT DELICIOUS SZECHUAN CUISINE AT WU } CHANG'S. } } "You mean I had it all along, and all I had to do was look inside?" } "Now you understand, kid!" the Oracle laughed jovially. "What you } were looking for was there all along. Well, since earlier this } afternoon at least." Tearfully, the Supplicant threw its arms around } the Oracle, who smiled benevolently. "All in a day's work," the Oracle } sighed. } } You owe the Oracle a steaming plate of W**dch*ck Lo Mein. --- 768-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > two psychologists meet; 'what time is it?', one of them asks. What do > you think the colleague will reply? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh that's easy: "Your interest in the time is most intriguing. Tell me } about your mother." } } Let's look at some other professions. } } Two physicists: "Time is only an illusion created by people to explain } change. The time is now." } } Two theoretical physicists: "Well if you consider that we are in 1g } and moving at such-and-such a speed through the universe, relative to } the first loogie that an astronaut fired off into quadrant RD7, and } considering the time-space distortion caused by that, I would say that } the time is x + 7.383y + 5-UUs." } } Two used watch salesmen: "Well, I could tell you, but let me interest } you in this baby. Only wound on weekends by the old lady who wore it } to church. . . ." } } Two basketball players: "We got 17 seconds left in the game. That's } enough time for 23020 fouls so let's kick ass." } } Two blue collar tweekers: "Three and a half hours till I get out of } this dump." } } Two oracle incarnations: "12:59 PM EDT. You owe the oracle a conversion } to Geneva." --- 768-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, wise and wonderful, answer my question, please. > I have been having pains in my head recently and I don't know why. It > all started yesterday after I banged my head against the ground > repeatedly for two hours. I can't understand it. I took two Advil, > yet my head is still throbbing. I think it might be something I ate. > Please help me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll excuse the lack of proper grovelling at this time, since you're } obviously distracted by the intense pain of your headache. I'll take } you step by step through the self-diagnosis of post-terran encounter } cranial pain. Start at question 1. } } 1) Look in the mirror. Is there blood on your forehead? } a) No. Go on to 3. } b) Yes. Go on to 2. } } 2) Is the blood running down your face? } a) No. Put a band-aid on it the blood and go on to 3. } b) Seek professional help (sorry, I don't make house calls). } } 3) Was the ground you banged your head against igneous, metamorphic, } or sedimentary? } a) Igneous. Ignore it. What you don't notice can't hurt you. } b) Metamorphic. Be very careful; if you take any more Advil, the } headache will change form and next thing you know you'll be } suffering a stroke or bad gas or something. What you need to do } is go to the store and get yourself some hard candy. Something } sweet that will dissolve slowly in your mouth. Then it'll soothe } the headache and keep it from becoming something much worse. } c) Sedimentary. Take 1 tablet every 4 to 6 hours while symptoms } persist. You need to strip off the layers of the headache. } } 4) How did you get to this question? } a) Well, I assumed that since 3 came after 4... Well, you're } making incorrect assumptions! Who's the doctor here? It's me, } you know. So don't answer questions unless you're told to! } } You owe the Oracle a ... } } hold on. I just realized your question was translated into English } incorrectly. Good thing I thought to look at the original version of } the question in its original language. I should get that thing fixed. } You'll laugh when you read this, but the translator turned "banging my } head to some rock" into "banging my head against the ground". Wow, } what a screwup, I'll have to go back to having the priests } hand-translate the Chinese questions again. So much for automation. } } Anyway, in that case, there exist only two solutions to your problem. } You can listen to an a cappella record for an hour, preferably a group } that makes bad sexual innuendo versions of songs (e.g. "Necrophilia } down by the Graveyard" in place of "Me and Julio down by the } Schoolyard"). Your other option is too horrible to mention... But I } will anyway, since I'm required to by the FAQ. Your other option } is... } } 10 seconds of VH1. } } Sorry... I think I'll waive the fee in this case, out of pity. --- 768-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > q And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } a --- 768-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is Michal Jackson????? > Is it a guy or ?????? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Everyone know Michael Jackson is a black male. } This is easily deduced by logic: } } Statement I: } Black people have dark skin. } } Michael Jackson has...eh...lets get back to that one leater. } } Statement II: } Males have harder and more marked features in face than females. } } Michael Jackson has...damn. } } Statement III: } Males have deeper voice than females. } } Michael Jackson has...oh bugger. } } Hmm. } } (I) and (II) and (III) => } } Statement IV: } Michael Jackson is a white female. } } Statement V: } Michael is a male name. } } Statement VI: } Michael Jackson is...er...lacking something in the chest area. } } (V) and (VI) => } } Statement VII: } Michael Jackson is a male. } } Oh dear, oh dear. *scratches head frantically* } Ah. } } (IV) and (VII) => } } Conclusion: } Michael Jackson is from Mars. } } There! Nothing to it! } } You owe the Oracle a Moonwalk.