From oracle-request Tue Sep 19 00:10:50 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA15807; Tue, 19 Sep 1995 00:10:50 -0500 Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 00:10:50 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #777 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 777 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #777 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 00:10:50 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 777 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 772 79 votes 3eopd 27vv8 39kuh dmjbe 7pse5 6pud5 67hpo 6iree 7rwa3 4iyi5 772 3.2 mean 3.4 3.5 3.6 2.9 2.8 2.8 3.7 3.2 2.7 3.0 --- 777-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh greatest of the great, wonder of wonders, and perveyor of > perversion. > > If God is all powerful all loving and all knowing. How come it took > him a week to create everything? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Time dilation effect. He was moving incredibly fast. --- 777-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, I am planning on opening my own > business soon, and I need to find a cash register with a > bra-code reader. Could you point me in the right direction? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, I just saw an ad on TV the other day, I remember it } vividly... [cue whole-tone scale flashback music] } } "Come on down to Fred 'n' Edna's Office Supply and Lingerie Shop today } for quality at price you can afford! } } This week we're offering this IBM cash register complete with bra-code } reader at 20, yes 20 percent off!! And that's not all! Check out these } crazy, wacky, madcap deals! Boxer shorts with built-in staple remover } only $4.99!! Sales slips 10% off!! In/Out trays only $2.99!! Even our } popular denim work overalls with snap crotch are two-for-one! } } So don't miss out on the savings! Fred 'n' Edna's: we help you wear } stockings while you're stocking!" } } You owe the Oracle a lace power tie. --- 777-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Wise Oracle please tell me this: > The food they serve up here at Cornell seems really hazardous to my > health. What precautions should I take to protect myself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant: *gasp* *choke* *wheeze* } } Priest: Another supplicant, o Bastion of Benevolent Knowledge, a } supplicant awaits your response. } } S: *hack* *spew* *gasp* } } Oracle: Not another one. He's gone and ate college food again. } Didn't he check the ads for the campus catering when he enrolled? } } [Enter three small creatures, one with brown pants worn high, one in } a pink skirt, and one in a blue turtleneck with a red baseball cap] } } YW&D: Sam 'n' Ella's catering shop } Eat our food and you're sure to drop } Then the only thing left to do } Is run to the potty and spew, spew, spew! } Sam 'n' Ella's! } YW&D: Yikes! [They disappear into the distance, being chased by a } large man in a dirty chef's hat. } } O: Tell me, supplicant, did you have the chicken, or the fish? } } S: *choke* The lasagna... *wheeze* } } O: Oh my, it's worse than I thought. There's not much time left. } We've got to [Supplicant's chest starts throbbing and stretching... } it bursts, and a light brown, eight legged creature scuttles out, } spitting acid, and then dons a top hat, and begins to dance] } } Alien: Hello, my baby, hello, my [KLANG! An anvil crashes on the } alien's head, and a green frog chases the smashed alien away] } } M.J.Frog: That's *my* song! } } Priest: Another one. That's the seventh one today. } } O: I know. We really should attach those anvils better. Oh, you mean } supplicants? Well, they're a dime a dozen anyways. } } Priest: True, much like the wings in the cafeteria themselves. } } O: Ah, but NBC has it's own problems. For the students themselves, } they must remember these simple words: } } Welcome to Domino's. May I help you? } } You owe the Oracle some Tofu Surprise. --- 777-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Grand Oracle, > Whose Month And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From: TUO Recovery Division } To: Supplicant } Subj: Re: poem fragment } } Dear Supplicant, } } Your request has been processed. Appended to this message is the } ORACLE 9362's response. } } Sincerely, blah blah blah, send it off. And sign my name this time. } } TUO/wc } } Matched 6 item(s). } } [1: 100%] Oh grand Oracle, whose monthly pay } Exceeds the cost of my toupee ... } } [2: 89%] Oh great Oracle, whose mountain ranges } Tower o'er unfriendly strangers ... } } [3: 67%] Oh greasy Oracle, whose mind defies } Both death and taxes, truth and lies ... } } [4: 30%] Ogre miracles, wheat and corn } Why was that goddamn woodchuck born? ... } } [5: 14%] Garish tracks of sun-dried tears } Will mar your face, love, through the years ... } } [6: 01%] Haggardly I raise the cry: } "Woodchucks delendae sunt", say I. ... } } Date Due: 30-SEP-1995 } Amount Due: Seventeen copies of "Oh Freddled Gruntbuggly: An } Anthology". --- 777-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose whites are whiter and whose colors are brighter than > any other brand.... > > I have an immense interest in computers, and almost no interest in > sports. Consequently, I am a girl repellent. I'm looking for interests > other than computers and sports that I can use to downplay my computer > interests, in order to rid myself of the invisible sign over my head > that says "DORK". I cannot rely entirely on television, because an > increasing number of people don't watch television. My musical taste > lies mostly in the heavy metal genre, which no one seems to like > anymore. Other than that, my mind is pretty much a blank slate. Also, > I'm too jittery to take up skydiving, so that's right out. My budget > forbids the ownership of a car. > > What, then, should I take up in order to get a life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Humble supplicant, the Oracle's heart goes out to you. Not that the } Oracle has *ever* had any problem like the one you describe, because } the girls at his school preferred the short, skinny, socially inept } individuals to the muscular ones with good hair. Really. } } Not that the Oracle doesn't have good hair. } } Anyway, to get on with answering your question, here is a list of a few } possible activities you could pursue, along with their pros and cons. } } ACTIVITY PRO CON } } Cooking Girls are always impressed You will be forced to do } by a guy who knows the diff- all the cooking for the } erence between frying and rest of your life. } sauteeing. } } Tarot cards Great at parties - girls *Knowing* that you will not } will flock around you. get lucky. } } Fundamentalist } religion: } Christian Lots of very nice girls who The only topic you can talk } are willing to talk to you about is "How Much Jesus } for extended periods of time. Means To Me." } } Islamic You can have up to four You can't actually see what } wives. they look like until you } marry them. } } Photography You don't actually have to People tend to get } have any film in the camera suspicious when you don't } to claim you are a scout for produce any actual } a modeling agency. pictures. } } Art You will seem a cultured, All the girls you will meet } educated individual. dress in black and read } poetry that doesn't rhyme. } } Politics Working door-to-door for a You have to put up with the } campaign will allow you to candidate you are working } meet many women. for. } } Environment- Being passionately committed You have to stop wearing } alism to a cause makes you look leather shoes and start } good in the eyes of many separating your trash in } girls. order to avoid looking like } a hypocrite. } } You owe the Oracle an invisible sign over your head that says "ASK } ME IF I'VE FOUND GOD." --- 777-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me why it is so varm in sweden just now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This summer, temperatures have been unusually high. This has had wildly } varying effects in different parts of Europe and North America, } depending on local conditions. So, for example, in Sweden and Norway it } has been unusually varm, while in Denmark it has been unusually var'm. } In England it has been unusually wawm, while in Scotland it has been } unusually warrrrrrm. In New York it has been wawwum, in Boston it has } been wahm, in Chicago it has been waerm, and in Canada it has been } warm, eh? } } You owe the Oracle a Bronxian/Brooklynese dictionary. --- 777-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Steeg Cierhart) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa, make a note to remind me how much I hate mimes. } } *ZOT*! --- 777-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most scientific Oracle, I just found the solution to the halting > problem. > > The Algroithm goes as follows: > 1) send the program to the usenet oracle > 2) if the oracle says it halts, it halts. > if the oracle says it does not halt, it does not halt. > > I have submitted a paper to comp.bizare and comp.sys.comodore.c64. > This new scientific insight will probably revolutionize computer > science, especially program verification. > > There is no Nobel Prize for computer science. Please tell me which > Nobel Prize will I win with my paper? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } You will win the Nobel Peace Prize, since everyone will be laughing } too hard to fight after reading it. } } By the way, your program both halts and does not halt. } You owe me Schrodinger's cat. --- 777-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, you really know how to think, > If you were a woman, I'd buy you a drink, > but no-one can help me except maybe you, > so Orrie, please tell me, or give me a clue: > > I'm writing a poem, I'm writing it twice > I'm keeping a copy, I'll put it on ice > 'cause I know the pixies who live in the net > are changing my words round but I'll catch them yet! > > I guess what I need is an idea for bait > to put in the pixie trap I did create. > I've carefully tuned it, it's time for a test, > so Orrie, please tell me, what pixies like best! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a serious problem that you've brought to me } You're truly concerned, now that's plain to see. } But I cannot help you, my powers must fall, } 'Cause pixels don't live in the Network at all! } } A pixel's existence is local, you see... } It lives on the screen of your CRT. } Its wants are quite simple, its needs very few, } All that it lusts for is Red, Green and Blue. } } A pixel does pictures, it doesn't touch words. } Well...some people bitmap, but those are all nerds. } And so if your poems are not getting through, } We can't blame the pixels, we must look at you. } } So if you are certain your poem left intact, } And arrived at the target a victim of hack, } Blaming the pixels compares apple to orange, } And ... errr... } } ) Orrie? } } ) Yes, Lisa? } } ) May I interrupt you for a moment? } } ) Sure, go ahead. I seem to have worked myself into a corner here } anyway. } } ) Orrie, I think the supplicant said "pixies", not "pixels". } } ) Huh? Errrr.... neverrrrr miiiiiind! } } You owe the Oracle - something in an a-b-a-b. I never did care for } a-a-b-b. Oh...and throw in a pair of stronger reading glasses while } you're at it... --- 777-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, who is more fantastic than even then Fantastics, > pray tell me: > > There's a song that starts, "Try to remember that time in September > . . ." Unfortunately, I can't recall how it goes on from there. > Can you help? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try to remember that time in September } When the supplicants write because they can't remember } Songs that once put a flame in their hearts } And they now try to remember how it goes after it starts } So they pray to the great Oracle indeed } To tell them how that song will proceed } And while the question never even mentions a woodchuck } That I don't Zot you, consider it luck } } You owe the oracle the lryics to Stairway to heaven, spelled backwards.