From oracle-request Fri Oct 13 14:54:46 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id OAA03229; Fri, 13 Oct 1995 14:54:46 -0500 Date: Fri, 13 Oct 1995 14:54:46 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #785 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 785 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #785 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 13 Oct 1995 14:54:46 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 785 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 780 85 votes 5tyb6 28hus abrra 7nzi2 7vvb5 8mxi4 estc2 btjh9 3hore 4kCj4 780 3.0 mean 2.8 3.9 3.2 2.8 2.7 2.9 2.5 2.8 3.4 3.0 --- 785-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose wisdom is so profound that even the > most famous and respected human philosophers seek you out, > I humbly grovel before you. > > Oh wondrous and omniscient Oracle, who transcends all others > throughout the universe, whose bootlicks I am unworthy to > lace (wait a minute, that didn't come out quite right), > you are incomparable to any mortal, and I grovel at your > feet a second time. > > Oh splendid Oracle, whose magnificence radiates through the > space-time continuum, and is the true source of background > radiation; whose bootlaces I am unworthy to lick (ah, got > it right that time), whose very shadow is brighter than > direct sunlight, I grovel in self-abasement again. > > (Since I have three related questions, I have groveled > three times. I hope this is acceptable protocol.) > > There's an old children's song which goes like this: > > Goosey goosey gander, > Whither do you wander? > Upstairs and downstairs, > And in my lady's chamber. > There I met an old man > Who wouldn't say his prayers. > I took him by the left leg > And threw him down the stairs. > > I have been thinking about this, and I am not at all sure > that this rhyme is suitable for the ears of impressionable > youngsters. I have three questions: > > 1. Is this rhyme advocating violent bigotry against > non-establishment religious groups (as it appears to me), > or is there some deeper meaning to it? > > 2. What is the significance of the geese? > > 3. What happened to the old man after he fell downstairs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Like all nursery rhymes, this one has mutated considerably from } its original form in the course of time. I will hereby reveal the } archetypal version of "Goosey goosey gander", which will incidentally } also answer your questions. } } [The screen begins to waver, and violins play eerily in the background } as we enter flashback mode] } } PINKY: Gee Brain, what do you wanna do tonight? } BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky -- try to take over the } world! } PINKY: How'll we do that, Brain? } BRAIN: Simple -- I have prepared a rhyme of mindnumbing catchiness, } which we will transmit as a subliminal message across the Internet so } that it can subvert the minds of the youth of the world. They will } believe the rhyme is part of their heritage, and become our willing } slaves. } PINKY: Subliminal messages? Haven't you tried that before? } BRAIN: No, Pinky -- that was merely a subliminal message I implanted } in your mind -- which took some finding, I can tell you -- by way of } a trial run. } PINKY: Poit! } BRAIN: Not the way I would have expressed it myself, but your point is } taken. Now, cast your eyes over the rhyme. } } [He hands across a piece of paper, which Pinky turns over several times } before deciding which way up to read it. A short eternity passes] } } BRAIN: Well? Are you pondering what I'm pondering? } PINKY: I... think so. Why don't you ever see any baby pigeons? } BRAIN: No, you ninny! Can't you see the impact this rhyme will have on } the impressionable minds of the youth of the world? } PINKY: Er... } BRAIN: You *did* manage to read the rhyme? } PINKY: Oh yeah! It's about gooseys. } BRAIN: That says "mousey". } PINKY: Not goosey? } BRAIN: Do you know the difference between your IQ and OJ Simpson, Pinky? } PINKY: Oh goody -- a riddle! Er... nope. } BRAIN: OJ Simpson has something following the digit "O". I think, under } the circumstances, it's best if I read out the rhyme while you type it } on the laboratory's Mac. } PINKY: Narf! } BRAIN: I'll take that as an expression of assent. To the keyboard, } Pinky! I'll operate the shift key. } } [After the usual elaborate escape routine from their cage, the } transgenic mice climb up to the Macintosh on the desk in the far } corner of the laboratory. The Brain logs in and enters into email] } } BRAIN [dictating]: "Goosey goosey..." } PINKY [leaping around the keyboard]: Not mousey then? } BRAIN [smacking his forehead]: I mean "mousey"! I fear stupidity may be } contagious. } PINKY [still leaping around]: How do you spell that, Brain? } BRAIN: No! Start over -- "Mousey mousey master } Wilt thou be my master? } Upstate and downstate } I'll start a local chapter. } When I hear the white mouse } How will I show my worth? } So I'll o'erthrow the authorities } And help him rule the earth." Now have you got that? } PINKY: Narf! } BRAIN: Astounding -- I may yet be able to penetrate this obscure } personal language of yours. Stand back while I transmit this message } to the youth of the world. } } [The Brain runs a special Canter & Siegel netspamming program, and } stands back in satisfaction as banks of lights begin to flash indicating } its progress around the globe. Pinky dances around in excitement] } } PINKY: Oh goody! Now everyone'll have subliminal gooseys! } BRAIN: "Mouseys"! } PINKY: You said -- } BRAIN: Pinky, what exactly did you type in this message we have at this } very moment subliminally implanted in the minds of the youth of the } world? } PINKY [getting tearful]: What you told me, Brain... } } [The Brain call up the mail log, and prints the latest message to } screen] } } BRAIN [reading]: "Goosey gou^Ho^Husey g^HI mean mans^HDtr } I fear stupid^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H } Whilth^Hr do you my waster^H^H^H^Hndre } Upstart and downstrats^H^Hts } IN star^H^Hmr lodals^H charmper. } Wher I her^Hrt the whilt^Hd manse } Hwo wild int^Htt shayw my^Hs narf } So'll ou^Htoorwk the althft t^Hl^Hligs } And helw him dule^H^Hn the rstst^H^H^H^H^Hrstrs." } PINKY: Gee Brain, you said -- } BRAIN: Pinky, do you know what you will be when I throw you down the } stairs? } PINKY: Er... nope. } BRAIN: You will be in intense pain, Pinky. } } [The screen goes wavy again. Flashback mode ends] } } Okay, so it didn't answer your first question. I'm not about to } advocate violent bigotry against any religious groups not started by } second rate SF writers. So sue me. } } You owe the Oracle something better to do with his time than waste } it watching cartoons on daytime TV. --- 785-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle! > Please tell me where can I find "extracto de quebracho" for my leather > factory? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Chile. But getting there is only half the fun. } } First you have to catch a Quebracho. This can be extremely difficult, } as they are quite frisky and likely to remove any parts of your body } that come within reach. Their bite is worse than their bark, and } their bark is reeeeealllly nasty. You'll know it when you see it. } } Once you have caught and killed a Quebracho, you must remove the outer } shell. Be sure to bring along a diamond saw or mining laser for this } purpose, as the shell is very very tough. } } Next, you need a plank of wood from a quebracho tree. Nail the } Quebracho to the plank. Roast it over a blazing fire until it is } reduced to ashes. Finally, collect the ashes -- they are the extracto } de quebracho that you need. } } Some fly-by-night places will try to sell you extracto de quebracho } that is just made from a quebracho tree. Don't go for it. You have } got to kill a Quebracho if you want to make really good extracto de } quebracho. } } You owe the Oracle a live Nauga. (You know, they have to kill } hundreds of them just to make one Naugahyde seat cover.) --- 785-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sensai, I sit at your feet and ask:- > > How do I know that you really exist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Smell my socks. --- 785-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [expletive deleted]! Why can't you [foul and abusive term deleted] > Oracles ever answer my [sexually offensive adjective omitted] > questions? Don't you [offensive maternal sexual reference deleted] > know how to understand the [putrid adjective omitted] English language? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's it. I've had enough of that from you. The tone of your } message is clear, despite all the net.censoring. Don't say I } didn't warn you! *[act of brutal violence deleted]* [expletive } deleted]! How the [slang use of religious term omitted] are } they doing this? Don't those [politicially incorrect indication } of people with unwed parents removed] know who they're messing } with? As soon as I get this cleared up, you've got a massive } zot coming. } } You owe the Oracle a date with a woman who will [explicit } description of act that belittles women deleted] in a bathtub } filled with [poor choice of flavors deleted] Jello. --- 785-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, oracle, most wise etc., etc., to which countries are peacocks > native? Also, what color are their eyes? Oh, and how many eggs does a > average female peafowl lay in her lifetime? And again, you're really, > really smart and wonderful and I'm not worthy to even grovel to an > entity as utterlly neato as you are. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is not an encyclopedia. Why don't you pop on down to a } library and look this all up? } } Just for that, the Oracle will give you an answer that might be correct } in some particulars but is largely twaddle. Do get hold of a copy of } Flannery O'Connor's wonderful essay on peafowl: she was one of the } greatest writers of the 20th century, and she raised peafowl and other } birds as a hobby. } } Peafowl were brought to this planet by space aliens and introduced to } southeast Asia and the East Indies. "Regions that will someday be } known as southeast Asia and the East Indies, meet peafowl," said the } space aliens as they unloaded pairs of them from their spacecraft. } "Peafowl, meet the places that humans will think you're native to." } Peafowl taste like chicken -- really! They breed *very* quickly, as } Flannery O'Connor discovered; she mentions talking to a man so quickly } overrun with them that he took to eating them. Her mother's farm was } crowded with them iin a few years, and they're noisy, especially the } peacocks. } } They have golden eyes. A female can lay 250,000 eggs in her lifetime. } The peacock dances around a clutch of eggs, spraying them with semen; } the spermatozoa are equipped with minute micromachine versions of the } reciprocating power saw and drill their way in through the leathery } eggshells. After nine days the chicks hatch; they are covered in } iridescent peacock-blue scales and resemble tiny dinosaurs for their } first few weeks out of the shell. } } They can understand simple orders in Bantu and Afrikaans, but they } won't carry them out. They're smarter than they look. Peacocks like } to dance around, tail feathers spread, on windy days, especially before } storms. } } You owe the Oracle one roast peahen with sage stuffing. No, don't try } to put the Oracle into the stuffing -- not *that* kind of sage! } Remember what happened to the two old bachelors in the Edward Lear } poem. --- 785-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Daaaarling Oracle with the Wardrobe of a Thousand Sequined Dresses, > > So you ever get the urge to cross-dress? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I really trascend gender, so I don't cross-dress in any way you } probably mean. However, since I am omniscient, I sometimes dress the } 'other way', as in stupid, if you know what I mean. Here are some } examples from my wardrobe. } } Gump Chic: A short sleeved blue checked shirt, buttoned all the way to } the top, along with khaki pants (flat front) that extend to just about } 1 inch above your plain white sneakers. This ensemble requires careful } accesorizing, a box of chocolates and a baseball cap pulled low are } appropriate for creating the look of a slow man who through the } goodness and simplicity of his nature manages to make friends and } basically dumb his way to riches. DO NOT accesorize with a pocket } protector, thick glasses, and/or an advanced computer text, as } ironically this gives the opposite effect of someone who is very } bright, but lacks any social skills to make freinds or survive in } normal society. } } Klan Chic: This outfit represents the height of anachronistic 18th } century thinking. Ignorance is the key word here, so use that attitude } when dressing. A plain white sheet is uncomplicated enough for the } biggest simpleton. Add a pointed white hood to hide a toothless smile } and this outfit simply screams out "I won't marry my cousin until she } finishes the eighth grade." Accesorize with a Bible, a cross } and/or some rope and you are ready for any rally where you are } outnumbered 5 to 1 by protesters. } } Mickie Dee Chic: Polyester is the catchword here, along with eye } damaging straining colors. "Would you like fries with that?" is what } this ensemble is saying. I personally prefer a brown shirt and brown } pants with a orange, yellow and white striped trim. Be sure to add } grease, kethup and mayonaise stains as is appropriate. For full } affect, you should move slowly, try counting change slowly, or maybe } when someone asks you for something, screw it up. An attitude of "My } life is hell" will help greatly in pulling off this look. Accesorize } with a paper hat and a strap on microphone and you're ready to earn } minimum wage. } } You owe the Oracle leggy Supermodel Cindy Crawford (and I don't mean a } picture). --- 785-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Follow the instructions on the box; } 2. Toss a coin; } 3. If you had been reading the Scriptures, you wouldn't have to ask; } 4. If you had been reading your horoscope, you wouldn't have to ask; } 5. One leg at a time; } 6. Send a $19.95 money order or cashier's check and you'll receive your } detailed computerized instructions; } 7. Play the lottery; } 8. Pray; } 9. Work harder; } 10.If you have to ask, you'll never know. --- 785-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will I get into graduate school at Columbia? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... Let me see your application essay: } } Question: } } You have the opportunity to ask an omniscient being a single } question. He can make you understand anything, from the tiniest piece } of the atom to the furthest reaches of space. He can explain concepts } no mortal man has ever even though to ask about. He can solve the } world's problems with war, overpopulation, pollution, hunger, violence, } and Police Academy movies- if you ask the proper question. Of course, } you could ask him some totally insignificant question about your life, } wasting his time and ruining a golden opportunity for all humanity. } What do you ask him? } } Answer: } } Will I get into graduate school at Columbia? } } You chances aren't looking too good... --- 785-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Overwhelmed by your divine nature and your uncanny knowledge, I beg you > to enlighten my being by answering the following question: > > Great Oracle, what is the better way to fix the World? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear World Customer, } } As part of our ongoing support and maintenance of the World, we are } providing you with the latest hardware and software upgrade. Please } follow the enclosed directions to ensure a smooth upgrade from World } 3.10 to World 3.11. } } Note that this release fixes the following bugs: } } - Spontaneous human combustion } - Permanent unavailability of parking spaces in Manhattan } - Devastating earthquakes in third-world countries } - People being elected to public office who can't even spell "potato" } - Inability to go even one day without hearing about O.J. } - Recurring questions about woodchucks } } The next release will be called World 95 (to be released in 2095), and } will contain the following enhancements: } } - Silent notification of planned coup d'etats and uprisings } - Automatic barcode stamp on newborn infants } - Body hair that stays the same length after it's cut } - Ability to be an Oracle for a day --- 785-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@hojpoj (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why everyone hates me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You am idiot. } } You owe oracle you bike.