From oracle-request Mon Oct 23 10:05:13 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id KAA03839; Mon, 23 Oct 1995 10:05:13 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Oct 1995 10:05:13 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #789 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 789 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #789 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 23 Oct 1995 10:05:13 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 789 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 784 88 votes 5nwl7 3nvn8 7nyea blpn8 gmui2 4gymc eqrd8 8bnvf 7gqng anvl3 784 3.0 mean 3.0 3.1 3.0 3.0 2.6 3.2 2.7 3.4 3.3 2.8 --- 789-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I also had this problem, dear supplicant, } but turned it into a challenge. As a } consequence, I now have an easily recognised } style of writing I can call my own. And } it didn't cost me a thing. } } You owe the Oracle a suggestion for when } my tab key gets broken. --- 789-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have been collecting super-travel vouchers from Neslogg Cornabix > breakfast cereal. I now have enough (3000) to get me a free overnight > stay in a 2-star hotel in London. If I trade my next business-class > airline ticket for an economy fare and stay over on Saturday night, > I will be able to get an economy return ticket to London, so I get > there for free. Now, with the extra air miles I clock up on the flight > to London I can upgrade my hotel to a 4 star and get half price car > rental for a weekend. Of-course, if I choose my hotel and car rental > company correctly I can get more super-travel vouchers, which which > I can use to swap the night in London for a weekend in Barcalona. > Car rental in Barcalona is cheaper then in the U.K, so I can upgrade > the small car I had planned to get for a luxury model. > Luxury car rental companies offer off-peak hotel accommodation at > significantly reduces rates (Barcelonna has a surplus of hotel rooms > since the Olympics), so I can stay in a similarly specified hotel > for less, and I can still afford go to a mid-week performance in the > Catalonian National Opera. This has the added advantage of completing > the Euro-Opera-Buff treasure trail which entitles me to free admission > to the Moscow State Ballet performance of Swan Lake in October. Since > I've already seen this I can trade the ticket on the Opera-Ex market > in Milan and get a lifelong subscription to Air-Miles International > (the "Exchange and Mart" of the business travellers bonus schemes) > and a two week slot in a time-share in Majorca. Both of these come > with bonus super-travel vouchers which will cover my air-fare if > I travel out on a Wednesday Night flight from Prestwick airport > (and I get double airmiles on this flight). My question is, if this > is all so easy, why isn't everyone doing it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Acutally, like all 'too good to be true' schemes, this has one small } problem. As a result of eating 3000 boxes of cereal in a 5-day period, } you're going to be spending the next three weeks in the hospital, } recovering from reconstructive colon surgery. } } You owe the Oracle a Pop-Tart. --- 789-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Stop sending me love letters! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Senator Packwood, when are you going to get it through your } skull that 'Cease and desist' is not a term of affection? } } -- Lisa --- 789-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I going to flunk math? :-/ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An interesting and complex question. In order to determine the answer, } please answer the following simple questions: } } 1. Greens are better farklers (farkleberry collectors, of course) than } most Purples. However, in a farkling competition in which the } income of the Greens is equal to the income of the Purples, the } matches are standoffs. Farkling ability has been demonstrated by } independent researchers to have a possible connection with diet. } The Greens have more money than the Purples and can afford better } farkling instruction. The most promising approach to equalisation } of farkling ability would probably be to: } (a) Provide farkling ability dietary ingredients to the Purples. } (b) Equalise the wealth by giving enough Green money to Purples. } (c) Make sure the Purples have sufficient nourishment for good } health. } (d) Obtain better farkling teachers and equipment for the } Purples. } } 2. All people who eat custard greatly love puzzles. Some people who } eat custard are famous. Some famous people are Anteater spies. } Therefore: } (a) All people who eat custard become famous. } (b) All Anteater spies are puzzling. } (c) Some famous people greatly love puzzles. } (d) Some custard eaters are also Anteater spies. (Death to the } Anteaters! Long live the great Hippo empire!) } } 3. If seven belly dancers can lose a total of 20 kilograms in eight } hours of dancing, how many more belly dancers would be needed to } lose a total of 20 kilograms in only four hours provided the new } dancers shed weight only half as fast as the original seven? } } 4. Have you ever stopped to consider how much the basic design concept } of the Bourbon biscuit owes to that of the Custard Cream? (Discuss) } } Result: If you're spending your time doing silly questionnaires } instead of revising, then yes, you're probably going to flunk. } } You owe the Oracle a bowl of farkleberries and custard. --- 789-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > whether i should take this job And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is Usenet. During the day, millions of people work here. At } night, millions more play here. Sometimes they ask questions. That's } where I come in. I work here. I carry a badge. } } DUM-DE-DUM-DUM. DUM-DE-DUM-DUM-DUMMMM. } } _____/\_____ } \ UNPD / } ( _/\_ ) } ( \ / ) } ( / \ ) } \ 44-755 / } ---- ---- } \/ } } 10:15 pm. We work working the night shift out of the Meaning of Life } Squad when the call came in. My Captain's T.U. Oracle. My partner's } Bill Gannon. My name's Friday. } } Oracle: Joe, Bill } } Friday: Captain } } Gannon: Captain } } Oracle: We've got another 762 } } Friday: 762 -- "whether i should take this job" } } Oracle: That's it. Here's the report. Check it out, see if we can } help. } } [Friday looks at Gannon. Gannon looks at Friday. Both nod, then head } out the door.] } } 11:30pm. Approaching the supplicant's house, we heard a voice through } the front door. Although faint, it sounded like "to run, or not to } run." When we knocked on the door, the supplicant, a Mr. C. Powell, } answered. Although he seemed rather flustered, he let us in, leading us } to his office. Judging from the condition of the carpet, he had been } pacing for some hours. } } Powell: I'm rather surprised to see you here. I understood that the } Oracle answered all questions by email. } } Friday: He does, Mr. Powell, but } } Powell (interrupting): General } } [Friday notes the four stars on each shoulder of the supplicant's } sports shirt.] } } Friday: Sorry, General Powell. As I was saying, the Oracle answers all } questions electronically, but sometimes he requires a little } background. [Gannon is looking at a set of pictures on the wall. All } show the General, usually with some important person.] Now, let's make } sure of the information we have. You've recently successfully } completed a very important job, you've been offered a new job, and you } want to know if you should take it. } } Powell: That's correct. Actually I've been offered the same job } twice. } } Friday: Sir? } } Powell: Yes. [Hands Friday two letters. Gannon reads over Friday's } shoulder.] As you can see, a "Mr. C" and a "Mr. D" would both like me } to work for them. } } Gannon: It says here that neither Mr. C nor Mr. D can offer you this } job until next summer? And the position won't open until January 20, } 1997? And, if you take the wrong offer, you might not have a job at } all. } } Powell: That's correct. } } Gannon: It also says that this job would involve very little work. } } Powell: Yes. Mostly going to funerals and cutting ribbons, plus } making a few speeches. } } Friday: So I take it that you not only want to know if you should take } this job, but you also want to know which offer to take? } } Powell: Not exactly. } } Friday: [Glancing at Gannon] Sir? } } Powell: There's also this letter from "Mr. P". [Hands letter to } Friday. Again, Gannon looks over Friday's shoulder.] } } Gannon: He's offering you Mr. C's current job. If you can "win" it. } } Powell: Yes. But there's a catch. } } Friday: It says here that you would have to appear on television for } on hour every week, explaining a large number of meaningless diagrams. } } Powell (sighs): That's right. But otherwise, the job has more } responsibilities, better pay, and more control than Mr. C's or Mr. D's } position. Unless, of course, Mr. P decides to take the job himself. } } Friday: Well, Sir, I think we have enough information. We will file } our report, and the Oracle should be in touch with you shortly. } } Powell: Do you think he can help me? } } Friday: Certainly, Sir. Governor Cuomo found him very helpful. } } [Powell, Friday, and Gannon all look at one another. Friday nods, } almost imperceptibly. He and Gannon turn and leave the office.] } } DUM-DE-DUM-DUM. DUM-DE-DUM-DUM-DUMMMM. } } On 20 October, the Oracle, All Powerful Sage and Soothsayer in and for } the Usenet Culture, pondered General Powell's question. His answer: } } } Dear General, } } } } Don't take any of the offers. Working with any of these clowns } } can only hurt your reputation. Sit back, relax, and wait for } } them to be caught with their pants down. (In "C's" case, probably } } literally.) You will then get an offer for C's job from } } a large group of people. In the meantime, purchase a large, } } white stallion and learn to ride. } } } } You owe the Oracle an Ambassadorship to a small Caribbean country. --- 789-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, > I'm about to graduate, and a degree in Philosophy never got anbody > anywhere, so I'm seriously considering a career in crime. I would > appreciate it if you could rate for me the top ten criminal activities > in terms of their profit/risk ratio so that I can make an informed > choice that will enable me to thumb my nose at society in comfort > and with impunity. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It pleases me to see a mortal displaying some modicum of intelligence; } for that reason I shall turn a blind eye to the lack of grovelling, for } the time being. Here are the ten most popular criminal careers, with a } brief cost/benefit analysis. } } No. Activity Pros Cons } --- -------- ---- ---- } 1 Government minister The courts can convict Only people who } you as often as they are extraordinarily } like; it makes no physically ugly } difference get the job } } 2 Rubber-casketer No rubber-casketer has Lack of notoriety } yet been arrested as no-one has figured } out what they do } } 3 Credit card fraud *Really* easy, Forgetting which } is especially with the your actual card } card likes of Netscape } } 4 Tax evasion No-one seems to care You have to be liable } very much about for tax to start with } catching you (and that means *work*) } } 5 Computer crime Fun; can be done from Obesity; caffeine } home in your spare addiction; disdain } time from opposite sex } } 6 Stealing cars Fun; High profile; Getting round a hi-tech } buccaneer image security system only to } find it won't start } because of damp leads } } 7 Social security Lots of publicity Limited earning } fraud potential } } 8 Confidence tricks Intellectually Getting to like } challenging your victims } } 9 Drug dealing Lack of victim makes Competition; } detection virtually demonization; too much } impossible like legal business! } } 10 Corporate crime Compensates for No access to spoils; } incompetence inability to trust } anyone } } You owe me an alibi for writing this answer. --- 789-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, } } You MUST use a larger font next time. Your eight page monument to my } greatness pleased me greatly, but then I have a 576" monitor in my } study. For any other supplicant reading this on a 14" or 15" monitor, } I'm sure your entire message was as small as a period. } } You owe the Oracle a 576" glare shield, or some really good sunblock. --- 789-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the MS-Word screen painfully white? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome to Hell. And here's your copy of MS-DOS 4.0. } } You owe the Oracle an air conditioner. --- 789-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O' Oracle so witty, wacky, and wise: > > Does light have mass? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The early Church took a very dim view of light, in part because } of its pagan association with the planet Venus (commonly called } Lucifer, "light-bearer"). Theologians of the second and third } centuries held that because the sun and moon were created } only *after* the God's original command "Fiat Lux", their light } was somehow impure and therefore suspect. For this reason, } light was often excluded from the sacraments. } } According to the papal bull "De Lux Ecumenica" of 634, light was } not allowed to receive communion, since it consistently refused } to sit still long enough to complete confession. Indeed, } churches for hundreds of years afterward were very poorly } illuminated; this period is often referred to as the Dark Ages. } } It was not until the Renaissance, around 1348, that the Church } reversed itself and began admitting light within its congregations. } The gothic cathedrals built during and after these years were } designed to admit as much light as possible. This inclusive } attitude toward light persisted essentially unchanged down } to the beginning of the present century. } } In the early 1900's, certain conservative bishops became quite } concerned about the wave/particle duality of light. This dual } nature seemed to them a form of Manichean Heresy, and a movement } began to threaten light with excommunication unless it stuck to } one form or the other. Luckily, this inquisition came to an } end when it was shown that, while light could behave as both } a wave and a particle, it could only take on one of these } roles at a time in experiments. } } So, to answer your question, light *does* have mass, along with } all the various sacraments, but only since the 14th century. } } You owe the Oracle one of those cool t-shirts showing Maxwell's } equations. --- 789-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ho, ho, ho! Orrie, I see you're still being a good little > boy. So, what would you like for Christmas this year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE: Oh, brother, not you again. } } SANTA: That's right, Orrie me boy! Merry Christmas! } } ORACLE: Don't you think it's a little early to be worrying about what } I want this year? } } SANTA: Ho, ho, ho! Christmas is what I worry about all the time! } } ORACLE: Every year it's the same old question...what do I want for } Christmas. Don't you have any better questions than that? } Come on, I'm omniscient! } } SANTA: Oh, rub it in, why don't you? Sure, you get the job of } answering everyone's questions, being all-knowing and } all-powerful. And all I get to do is give stuff to ungrateful } little brats. Sure, I get cookies and milk, but the cookies } are pretty stale by the time I get to them, and the cat drinks } out of the milk. And check out this gut! Do you think I } *like* being this fat? } } ORACLE: Oh, quit your whining! That's ZOTting behaviour if I ever saw } it. And speaking of ZOTting, I don't think you grovelled } properly, either. No, you didn't. } } [The Oracle reaches for the ZOT button] } } SANTA: Orrie, please don't do this! Come on, you can't do this to } another immortal! Please, please, please don't-- } } [Santa disappears in a puff of paradox (something about how the ZOT } erases you from existence before you ever existed...don't ask)] } } ORACLE: Sniveling little weenie. He was like that in high school, } too. } } You owe the Oracle a box of chocolates and a copy of "The Santa } Clause".