From oracle-request Sat Nov 11 11:07:32 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.38) id LAA05553; Sat, 11 Nov 1995 11:07:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 11 Nov 1995 11:07:32 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199511111607.LAA05553@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #793 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 793 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #793 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 11 Nov 1995 11:07:32 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 793 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 788 90 votes 3httc 3kxld 4azub agnkl 6kAl7 2oyl9 bium9 9jqme 8qDc5 4hBo8 788 3.1 mean 3.3 3.2 3.4 3.3 3.0 3.1 3.0 3.1 2.8 3.2 --- 793-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the matter with your life? > Is the poverty bringing u down? > Is the mail man jerking u 'round? > Did he put your million dollar check in someone elses box? > > What's the matter with your world? > Was it a boy when u wanted a girl? > Don't u know straight hair ain't got no curl? > Life it ain't real funky unless it's got that pop. Dig it > > Pop life - Everybody Needs a thrill > Pop life - We all got a space to fill > Pop life - Everybody can't be on top > But life it ain't to funky unless it's got that pop. Dig it > > What's that underneath your hair? > Is there anybody living there? > U can't get over, if u say u just don't care > Show me a boy who stays in school and I'll show u a boy aware! Dig it. > > What u putting in your nose? > Is that where all your money goes? > The river of addiction flows, u think it's hot > But there won't be no water when the fire blows, Dig it > > Pop life - everybody needs a thrill > Pop life - we all got a space to fill > Pop life - everybody can't be on top > But life it ain't 2 funky unless it's got that pop > Dig it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dig it deep o yes indeed, } six feet under is what you need. } If thrill is what you ask from life, } Go out and get a real sharp knife. } } Wash down the pills with a gallon of booze, } And settle yourself for an eternal snooze. } Why stick around and moan and whine } when you can sniff some rancid turpentine? } } Stop life--being bored is where it's at. } Stop life--nobody hands you a welcome mat. } Stop life--If you a desire a life with pop, } Maybe you should consider making it stop. } } Stability and patience are the keys } Otherwise you get an incurable disease. } If you gotta have it fast and now, } Try getting it on with a rabid cow. } } Keep it simple. Keep it cool. } Or drown yourself in your neighbor's pool. } If you burn the candle at both ends, } Don't turn your back on your so-called friends. } } Stop life--being bored is the thing to do! } Stop life--don't settle for anythig new. } Stop life--If you desire a life with pop, } Maybe you should consider making it stop. } } Fer shure, fer shure. What it is! --- 793-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most great, wise, and magnificent Oracle, I kneel > before you and humbly beseech an answer to my > question. > > I've seen several links on the World Wide Web which > purport to go to nude pictures of Marina Sirtis. But > none of them seem to work. Why is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, they work just fine. What you are seeing is, as you said, a nude } picture. It's not Marina that's nude, it's the picture. The picture } has nothing on. And that's what you see. Nothing. } } Did you happen to notice the clever links those pictures have that } connect your bank account to mine? Every time you click on one, you } automatically send me another $13.45, plus tax. Neat, huh? } } You don't owe the Oracle anything. Just keep clickin'! --- 793-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wise Oracle, Knower of Everything, please tell me: When little > green men run around outside a person's window at night, what is that > person supposed to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're supposed to give them candy and a calendar. The candy is for } Halloween, while the calendar is to show them that they're a few days } off the mark. } } You owe the Oracle some individually wrapped pretzels. --- 793-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm collecting recipes from celebrities. Would Lisa please give me her > recipe for chocolate chip cookies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... you're very lucky that Orrie isn't here, since he'd quickly } *ZOT* you due to your lack of grovelling. However, I'd be happy to } share my recipe for chocolate chip cookies. } } LISA'S CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES } } Ingredients } } 1/2 cup butter* } 1 cup sugar } 1 obsolete computer, unplugged (e.g. VAX 11/780) } 1/2 tsp vanilla } 1/2 tsp salt } 1 piece of cloth, 6'x3' or larger } 1 egg* } 1 cup chocolate chips semi-sweet* (or M&M's) } 1 male bait (varies for each case) } 1/2 tsp soda } 1 zot-capable omnipotent entity, male } 1 cup flour } 1 sunglasses (optional) } 1/2 cup nut meats, chopped (optional) } length of string } assorted paints } } * - or appropriate substitute, for vegan cooks. } } After cleaning computer thoroughly, especially vents, grease sides and } top of computer. Be sure to coat evenly. In a bowl, cream the } butter, add sugar gradually, while creaming. Add egg and vanilla, } beat them to blend. Stir in flour, soda, and salt, then nuts and } chips. On cloth, using paints, paint one of the following: 1) image } of a woodchuck, 2) the woodchuck question, or variant, 3) image of } Jeff "SpAmKiNg" Slaton. Let the cloth dry. } } Using batter, hurl small globs at the sides and top of the computer, } being sure to separate them adequately. Also check that they don't } slide or fall. (use smaller computers for fewer cookies. Warning! Do } not use a Pentium or you will burn your cookies!) Next, use string to } carefully hang cloth in front of computer, with image facing away from } the computer. } } Activate male-oracle bait. (use whatever works for you. For me, this } leather/rubber outfit seems to do the trick nicely.) Lure Oracle } casually past computer, and then note the image or words in front of } computer. Watch as Oracle gets infuriated and *ZOTs* the image, which } heats up the computer and instantly bakes your cookies! Give cookies } a few minutes to cool. (coincidentally, just enough time to deactivate } the oracle bait.) Enjoy with milk! (or soy milk, for vegans.) } Remember to throw away computer, or it'll start to stink. } } Good luck with your book! I'll be curious to hear about Gen. Powell's } recipe for peanut butter cookies; he can never seem to decide whether } to use smooth or chunky peanut butter. } } -- Lisa --- 793-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Noble, Intelligent Oracle of Thought Processes and Studiousness, > what would be a good plot for my upcoming sci-fi story? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fairly compact grovel there, suplicant. Nevertheless, benevolence is a } virtue. There are several popular sci-fi variants, you would be pretty } smart to invent something different, so I suggest you use one of these } tried and tested formulas. Points are awarded for 'Screenplayability' } (SPA), I take it you will wish your book to be made into a movie, } and will need some pointer about which way to go. } } 1) A series of naval style missions aboard a spaceship that is named } and operated like a boat. For: Get the mix of social stereotypes right } and you've got a winner formula here. Nothing beats simplistic human } relation issues than a U-boat style drama, with people crammed into } 3 rooms of a 150 deck spaceship bigger than Rhode Island. Against: } Long term success can ultimately be your downfall. The actors chosen } for your Movies will eventually get all wrinkly and start bulging } out of their lycra shirts. SPA: 9/10. Can be filmed on three sets } (eg Bridge, Sick bay and Transporter room) a polystyrene cave may } also prove useful. } } 2) Sci-fi being comes back from future to terrify specific present } day people for things they haven't done yet. For: Your 'future' } being can be made pretty exciting and scary since he is surrounded, } not by his exiting and scary contemporaries but, by nerdy humans. } Against: Your readers will need advanced boolean algebra to be able to } understand the plot. They will then be able to conclude that the plot } is in fact impossible. SPA: 7/10 Impossibility is not an issue with } most punters wishing to part with ?4.00/$7.00 for a high body count. } But this will not be a cheap movie to make, especially if you ever get } to a sequel where movie go-ers will expect even more lavish special } effects - like a robot made from silver snot. } } 3) Stranded alien left on Earth. For: There is incredible scope } here for a stonking good story. The alien's search for its departed } comrades, the psycholological effect of being marooned lightyears } from your home planet and family, the fact that the alien can only } survive by eating warm human flesh, the alien's ability to mate with } other species and create vicious hybrids, the skill of the alien to } manufacture a communication station to contact his home planet and } summon an invasion, etc. etc. Against: You could really shit-out with } a bald midget in the closet. SPA: 3/10 if you go for the bald midget. } A higher score could be had by going for the body-count option. } } 4) Teleportation drama, where inventor is inadvertantly combined } with something else. For: Spooky stuff. Lots of computers. } Physical degredation of two beings into one. Lots of scope for } fruitcake personalities. Against: Must chose the combining parties } with some care. Insects or mammals are good. An anchovie doesn't make } for a good drama (Man slowly becomes more salty to the taste and ends } up on a pizza) SPA: 8/10 Cheapish sets (cellar, two 'phone boxes, } yellow vomit). Cheap co-actors (fly or similar). Scope for satire } (Man combines with pixie - turns into Michael Jackson) } } 5) Future shock. Earth in near future where andriods are hunted by } present-day-style cops. For: Loads of scope for social issues, } man-hunting, man vs machine, lonely cop stuff, romance with sexy } android (who doesn't know she's an android - (hey, :-) aren't all } chicks androids!)) Against: High intellect of reader required, it's } easy to get lost in this one. SPA: 9/10 Near future means standard } sets and plenty of rain. You'll end up having to dub on a narrative } 'cos nobody understands it first time around. } } 6) Distant future, intergalactig struggle between good and evil. For: } Epic tale to be told here. Bunch of stereotypes again (including a } camp robot and a walking carpet). Makes for good swashbuckling stuff. } Make sure good triumphs over evil - right kids? A Universe full of } sequels available. Against: Not a lot. Keep the body count reasonable, } or you might preclude the box-office from admitting a proportion of the } population - and with this formula, you're going for 100% attendance. } SPA: 10/10. Get ready to spend some serious cash. Inventing light-speed } space travel and actually going there to film it might be cheaper. } } 7) Present day kid marooned in recent past, tries to get back to } present day. For: The usual time travel stuff. Nostalgia for '50s } America will work well (and will even export sucessfully to Britain, } beats me!). Against: Don't use a Delorean. This plot is also defeated } by logic. SPA: 7/10. Film studios around the world are crammed with } props for '50s America, keep costs down by choosing a Delorean. } } 8) Friendly aliens come to visit present day people. Some people } are strangely drawn to the landing site, which they have previously } modelled in mashed potato. For: Use the 'present day' get out again. } Against: No possibility of a body count. It's too nice. You don't } actually see any aliens, which is strange for an alien story. } SPA 6/10. Contemporary sets, flashing lights, and a trombone. } Silhouetted alien at the end is all you need. Box office success for } this movie will be stranger than the story itself. } } Distant future swashbuckling is the sensible way forward. Phone the } bank and ask for a $100m advance. If you manage to get Carrie Fisher's } phone number, I'd be most interested. } } You owe the Oracle Carrie Fisher's phone number. --- 793-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me great Oracle who is more impotent than even I, does the world > consist of mostly criticism, cynycism, or mystycism. Please explain in > great detail. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has concluded that the world is, in fact, composed almost } entirely of Spam. This fact was discovered quite recently, when the } amount of Spam in the world became so great that it began oozing out of } the crust of the earth, where it had been hidden safely away from human } eyes, and onto Usenet, corrupting everything that it touched. This } Spam is what has given rise to cynicism, criticism, and mysticism - } however, the truly wise know that at the root of all, underneath } everything, there is and always shall be Spam. } } Cynicism: Spam happens. Spam always will happen. Deal with it. } Criticism: Spam happens. That sucks. Mailbomb the Spam King. } Mysticism: Spam happens. All hail wise and merciful and mysterious } Spam. } } You owe the Oracle a Nobel Prize. --- 793-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle whose infinitessimal knowledge dwarves the collective > knowledge of the world's great scientists and philosophers... > > What is the point of calculus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Study Calculus --> Good college } Good College --> Good degree } Good Degree --> Good job } Good Job --> Fast Internet connection and lots of free time } Fast Internet connection and lots of free time --> Submit questions to } The Usenet Oracle } Submit questions to The Usenet Oracle --> "What is the point of } calculus?" } } So the point of calculus is so you can ask me what the point of } calculus is. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of recursive jeans. --- 793-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and brilliant, yet puzzling Oracle, I understand all too > clearly. Please confuse me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The wind blows, the trees sway, the leaves flutter. A breeze, you say? } What is surging deep below the caldron of earth's surface? Boiling, } bubbling, brewing, melting, synthesis of unanticipated dreams. You want } to be confused, humble one? You are gently, prettily confused. Dig a } little deeper. It is as clear as smoke. --- 793-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > mmnnmm? mmnmnmnnnnnmmnmm!!!! nnmmmnnn?!?!?!!? MMMNNNNNMMMN???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You call those lyrics? C'mon, Brad, get with it! } } And that band of yours, Crash Test Dummies? What kind of name is that? } } I say get rid of the "n"s, most of the "m"s, and the punctuation. That } leaves you with: } } mmm mmm mmm mmm } } Now *that's* a hit song if I ever heard one! As for the band name, } you're on your own. } } You owe the Oracle a good shaking and lurching all over the temple } floor. --- 793-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Or wise and wonderous oracle, who knows all, sees all, and uses All to > get the stains out, I beg you to tell me: > > Is it really love that makes the world go round, or as I have recently > been told, is it angular momentum? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Neither, my poor, poor misguided child. It is, unfortunately, an } enormous fungi which lies just below the surface of the majority of } the Western World. This monstrous bracken acts much like an off-center } weight upon a pendulum, pulling us in an erratic parabola which is then } transformed into a circular motion by the vibration of millions of } American feet, running from the once-noble party of Democratus to the } acknowledged Master of Spin, Conservatius. It is predicted that such } forces will continue on into the future for as long as Man can ignobly } jump horse amidstream, and act as though they have supported the } winning side all along: in short, eternally. } } If it is any consolation, the Giant Bracken loves us. } } You owe the Oracle the instigation of a decent, non-egocentrical } popular movement.