From oracle-request Thu Dec 7 13:08:01 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.39) id NAA06027; Thu, 7 Dec 1995 13:08:01 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 7 Dec 1995 13:08:01 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199512071808.NAA06027@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #800 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 800 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #800 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 7 Dec 1995 13:08:01 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 800 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 795 91 votes 3dxuc 7qxj6 fmrk7 3dwqh 4jzna 8mtma 44jDp 5bovk pvr62 5issc 795 3.2 mean 3.4 2.9 2.8 3.5 3.2 3.0 3.8 3.5 2.2 3.3 --- 800-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, oracle, who I am sure art busy, and wouldst prefer brevity in > one's grovelling: > > Does this tie go with this shirt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The tie may try to, but the shirt is already romantically engaged. The } problem, however, is much more deep-seated, for the tie is afraid of } commitment. So while it may be attracted to a particular shirt, it is } not, at the present, really capable of a prolonged relationship: it } usually, in sometimes a space of time no greater than a few hours, } becomes utterly unravelled. Moreover, you'd be surprised how limp it } becomes; why the creature sometimes seems utterly devoid of backbone. } The Oracle recommends that, until it matures or receives counseling, } alternatives that are not mutually exclusive, that that particular tie } be kept away from all shirts, whether the latter are already spoken for } or not. --- 800-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why oh why is it that everytime I get out of bed in the morning the > world is still here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you're in geosynchronous orbit, Mr. Armstrong. --- 800-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, Mr. Man and all that grovelly stuff, clue me in... > > I'd thought we were just friends all along, but I'm starting to > wonder... the repeated eye contacts, the oddly gracious comment when I > noticed she'd changed her hair, the unsolicited massages, the frequent > French kisses, the way she unbuttons her clothes and wraps herself > around me with that slinky, sexy way she has... > > I have a feeling this has gone past just-friends, but am I just reading > too much into it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think you're reading too much into it. After all, if she was really } interested in you, she'd probably try something direct rather than } settle for the subtle approach. } } You owe The Oracle a signed copy of _Men are from Mars, Women from } Venus_. --- 800-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please ignore this message, > , And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An Oracaular Conversation with Mr. Comma: } } ORACLE: Hey there, Mr. Comma, your author claims that I should ignore } what you have to say. } } MR. COMMA: No, please, help me. I must give you a message. An important } message. } } ORACLE: Good lord, Mr. Comma, whatever would that message be. } } MR. COMMA: My wife's lost her period. She's having run-on sentences, } screaming at me without end. My captor has lost his mind. He's stealing } all the article prefixes. He's going after the exclamation points. } What's next? Dangling subjunctives? } } ORACLE: Just hold on, little buddy, I'm the Oracle, and I can help you } out. } } MR COMMA: Look at I...grammar does going...Can't finish the sentence } I've just started I'm just running on and on and on he's stealing my } life my bare existance he issing-- } } ORACLE: Just wait a second, Mr. Comma, wait a darned second...You just } seem like you're overreacting a taste. I want you to slow down and } think of all the punctuation marks you can imagine. Clear your } mind...You are a great grammeror. } Repeat to yourself: } } In a period of change, exclamation on the brain, the moon ellipses } high, Colon-cancer gives you pain; A semi-colon is a colon with a comma } gain; And the quest I on you're on, too--grammer on a higher plane } } MR. COMMA:...try... } } (Seconds pass) } } MR. COMMA: Hey. It worked. I can talk. I've regained my grammer. But } what about my wife? } } ORACLE: Ha ha...she's just fine, too. } } MR. COMMA: Really? But how?... } } ORACLE: Congradulations, Mr. Comma, you're going to be a father. } } MR. COMMA: What?...How do you KNOW that? } } ORACLE: Your wife's lost her period because she's pregnant, and those } run-on fits of rage are perfectly normal for a woman whose been knocked } up. Your reaction was normal, as well, a post-traumatic stress fit in } which one loses one's grasp of the primal reason to use proper English } to convey messages of emotional impotence or trauma. } } MR. COMMA: Gee, thanks, Oracle, what do I owe you? } } ORACLE: Just name your firstborn son after me? } } MR. COMMA: Name him Oracle? } } ORACLE: No, name him by second given name, if you would, a } configuration of letters that should fit nicely in you family scheme. } } MR. COMMA: What name would that be? } } ORACLE: Name him MNUL. --- 800-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In the name of the Oracle, the tremendous, the all-knowing... > > Something has been bothering me about the way we humble and lowly > supplicants address you. There is a general climate of opinion that > the Oracle is male. Not to cast aspersions on your Oracular > masculinity (which is surely of intimidating proportions), but isn't > that a little presumptuous on our part to ascribe a gender to an > etherial, transcendental being? And wouldn't it be kinda creepy for > a male spiritual presence to possess a female body for the purposes > of writing a reply? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi. This is Alison, Lisa's niece. I'm visiting her and the Oracle for } a few days. They're upstairs right now. Something about diving for } mufflers or something like that. Anyway, they said not to touch } anything, but hey, I figure: you snooze, you lose; right? } } Omigaaa-aaad! Like don't make me barf out. Gag me with a pretzel. } That is just like so grody. Yuk. Intimidating proportions of } masculinity??? The Oracle. EEEuuuuwww! Like the only thing he has of } intimidating proportions is that zit on the end of his nose. It looks } like a bowl of cream cheese three days later. Grody. Barf out. } } However, I know just what you mean. It is creepy when guys possess a } girl's body for purposes of writing replies. You'd think they'd at } least try something a little kinky. You gotta wonder when they don't. } I mean really. At Miss Goerring's School for Wayward Girls we had this } teacher for English Lit, and when I say lit, he was certainly lit, but } anyway he tried to improve our penmanship that way and I never found my } serif's getting any curlier. } } But enough about me... Let's talk about life for a while. } } Oopsie! I hear those strange moaning noises up above. They'll be } coming down soon. Gotta go. Love ya. Mean it. --- 800-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty oracle, who could sire more children than J.S. Bach, who > could beat up Handel and Mozart with an arm tied behind your back, > please tell me: > > Why is this Spanish folk melody so like the Russian tune, "Two > guitars", and why do the Russians call it "Two guitars" if they only > use one guitar to play it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer to your first question, humble supplicant: It's a government } plot! And the reson behind the name two guitars: Well it, all started } when Ivan and Petraska went behind the potato pile and...HEY!!! The } Oracle has determined in all her great omniscience that this will have } to wait until you're older. } } You owe the oracle a bottle of _good_ vodka. --- 800-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > SPAM? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No thanks, Mr Canter, I've already had enough. } } You owe the oracle a world where nobody has heard of C&S. --- 800-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Sergeant of Wisdom, Major of Insight, Captain of Truth and General > of Knowledge, > > Why is it that if we look at someone for a few seconds, even someone > who has his or her back to us and is 30 yards away, that person looks > up or back straight at us? And if he or she is a cab driver and we're > looking at the nape of their neck, they'll immediately look in the > rearview mirror. Is it a "sixth sense" dating back to the time when man > was as often a prey as he was a predator? Even if it is, how does it > work? What is it that alerts us to the fact that we are being watched? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } { Scene 1: The observation lounge abourd the Enterprise (tm) } Stardate 48231.5} } } Riker: ... and I just have this strange feeling that I'm being } watched. } Picard: Suggestions? } Troi: I sense no lifeforms nearby other than the crew. } Crusher: This sixth sense has been a mystery for centuries. We should } Investigate it. } LaForge: I agree. If we find out how it works, we can rig up some sort } of detector, and trace who's watching us. } Picard: Make it so. } } { Scene 2: The same, two hours later } } } Picard: What have you found? } Crusher: Acting on a hunch I discovered that as well as just recieving } light, eyes also transmit a stream of particles which we've } called eyeons. Further investigation revealed that human } skin, in particular the nape of the neck, is highly sensetive } to eyeons, and it is this detection whgich gives rise to the } sixth sense. } LaForge: Using the data Dr. Crusher provided, we've been able to rerout } the main flux-capaciter-converter in conjunction with the } transporters, so that with power from the warp drive we can } now use the tackyon detectors from the port lateral sensor } array to detect and trace eyeons, which also appear in sensor } beams when someone is watching the display. } Data: Using the new sensors, we have been able to trace the eyon } particles Commander Riker detected to the Sigma-957 system. } { They move to the bridge } } Picard: Ensign, lay in a course for Sigma-957, warp 6. Engage! } } { Scene 3: The bridge of the Enterprise (tm) near Sigma-957 } } } Data: I am unable to detect any eyeonic radiation .. wait .. I am } detecting a large burst ... } { huge flash of light, something is briefly visible on the viewscreen. } The set shakes and the cast stagger unconvincingly. } } Riker: Red alert! } LaForge: LaForge to bridge. We have a problem. We're losing power } rapidly. The warp core may go critical any moment. } { Bidge lights go out and emergencies come on. Q appears } } Picard: Q! Is this all your doing? } Q: No, mon capitain. The things here are billions of years older } even than the Q. They are vast, timeless.. they are a } mystery. They walk near Sigma-957, and they must walk here } alone. Au revoir. } { Q disappears } } Laforge: We have a core breach in progress! I can't hold it much lon.. } { The Enterprise (tm) explodes. A jump gate opens and a nar heavy } cruiser comes through. } } G'Kar: Damn. We were too late this time. } } { The End } --- 800-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who smells like violets, please tell me: > > Where have all the flowers gone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Roses are red } to supplicants like you } But when thrown near light speed } they shift greatly in hue } } Thus fast moving flowers } are colors quite queer } An invisible spectrum } beyond visual sphere } } So the flowers are there } you just can't see any } Most hi-tech equipment } would probably spot many } } Roses infra-red } Voilets ultra-blue } sugar is carbon based } and so are you } } You owe the Oracle a .65 mu wavelenth rose. --- 800-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who has the power to Zot those who annoy him, and so has my > everlasting envy and respect (though some might call it abject terror), > > When will those bastards stop changing the code they told me to unit > test? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } d00d!!! U mU$t n0T b3 3l33T 3nUph! t#3y 0nLY l3T *TrU3* 3L33T d00ds } kn0w th3 p3rM@n3nt c0dez t0 t#3 UNiT Te$T!!!@!@#$ eY3 kn0W t#3 c0de } th0... iF U $eND M3 @ NuD3 PiC 0F $@NDRA Bu110CK EyE w1LL t3LL U!!! } } U 0We t#e 0r@CL3 @ n00D PiC 0F $@NDR@ BU110CK!!