From oracle-request Sat May 11 08:26:46 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.50) id IAA15779; Sat, 11 May 1996 08:26:46 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 11 May 1996 08:26:46 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199605111326.IAA15779@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #833 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 833 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #833 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 11 May 1996 08:26:46 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 833 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 828 128 votes eIFja 8owww evOlc 8kJBi 7gMFg kMwo4 lAzr9 hqLnf bkHEe 3bIvD 828 3.1 mean 2.7 3.4 2.9 3.3 3.3 2.6 2.7 2.9 3.2 3.7 --- 833-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > _The Joy Of Cooking_ includes a recipe for cooking woodchuck. > Is it any good? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. But the recipe for cooking the supplicants who ask questions } about woodchucks is absolutely scrumptious. } } You owe the Oracle a pot of roadkill stew. --- 833-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's well known that Moses brought down two tablets from Mt. Sinai > containing the ten commandments. What's not so well known is that there > were originally three tablets, with fifteen commandments. (I have > been informed that Moses stubbed his toe, fell, and broke one.) > > Mighty Oracle, before whom I genuflect, genuflect, genufect > (tan-tan-ta-rah sing-boom!) - can you enlighten us about the missing > five commandments? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, here you go. You picked a topic very near and dear to my heart. } There were 15, Moses did trip, and, even though Martin Luther will have } to come back from the dead to create an addendum to the chaticism, I } will tell you (even though it was a pretty iffy grovel!). } } XI. Thou shalt not hassle. } XII. Thou shall remember that Tuesday is double stamp day at Subway. } Therefor redeem ye not thine free sandwich cards upon that day. } XIII. He who shall, so shall he who. } XIV. Thou shalt not ask to borrow thine neighbors tools. } XV. Thou shalt not ask my beloved Oracle about woodchucks or } lemurs. } } You owe the Oracle some super glue. --- 833-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey everyone! > > Let's find out what happens when NOBODY answers this question. Don't > reply to it -- just ignore it. The Oracle will send it to someone else > after a day or so (according to the FAQ), and that person shouldn't > reply either. If I don't get a reply by October, I'll post the results > in rec.humor.oracle.d. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well well, a pyramid scheme with a theoretical maximum growth } coefficient of 1 and a promised reward of a Usenet posting sometime in } October. This shouldn't last too long. } } You should do your homework before posting a message like this. Try } something along the following lines: } } $PAM THE NET FA$T!!!1!!! } } Hi, my name is Angela Nasty Xenomorph-Bitch. Six months ago I was } down on my luck, I hadn't made it into the digest for weeks, I was } getting nothing but woodchuck and null questions to answer, and the } replies I received all quoted the question back at me. Moreover, my } ISP was hounding me for unpaid bills. } } So I put a shotgun in my mouth and was just about to pull the trigger, } when I received a letter in the mail saying I could get ripped off by } sending a few duplicates of it to my friends and some money to the guy } whose name was on top of a list. I was just about to toss it in the } paper bin when I thought, perhaps there's something there! So I } edited the text a little and emailed a copy to postmaster on every } machine I could do reverse IP lookup on. } } The results went beyond my wildest dreams. The following morning, I } had fourty thousand messages in my mailbox, and by lunchtime my } account had been removed. } } Now, I never have to worry about making the Digest again. Whenever I } need attention, I just fire off another volley of spam and get my } account pulled. It works every time! } } The reason it works is because everyone follows the rules exactly. } Here are some examples of people who didn't: } } Arthur T. Wombat of Wiretap, IL, ignored this message, and five days } later, the Feds busted down his door and arrested him for distributing } child porn. } } Eunice Roach of Lubricant, MA, tore up this message. She was found } brutally murdered the next weekend. } } Clarence S. Bugger of Rimmer, WI, ignored this message, and became the } victim of a hit-and-run accident. } } Jonathan Ratface-Octagon of Double Penetration, OH, threw this message } away and was killed by an unidentified mugger. } } Mrs. Large Object of Fort Crag, FL, didn't open this message; a body } in the desert has been tentatively identified as hers. } } And they still haven't found the bodies of William Pit of Blast } Radius, Christian Undies-Carrot of Heave, Glamorgan Nexus-Six of Power } Ranger, Lorna Hippopotamus of Barbiturate, and Enid Communist of } Beauty, to mention a few. } } So get working. } } Angela Nasty Xenomorph-Bitch } } PS. There is also a success story: Sean Connery got this message and } followed the instructions exactly, which is good because I love him } and would hate for anything nasty to happen to him. --- 833-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Logically complete Oracle, > > Who was the world's greatest Philosopher? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only Zeno approached, but never acheived greatness... --- 833-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Power of the Universe whom elnightenes those whom call > thee ORAACLE, whom sall be remembered in history as the master of > information, whom will eventually time of such lowly groveling, > pleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopl > easeopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseoplease.... > Why do all women think they are fat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A worthy (if garbled) question, oh frustrated supplicant. } } You've heard of the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." } Well, what *else* do we associate Venus with? The greenhouse effect. } And who *else* lives in a green house? Mr. Morey Schickelgruber of } Cleveland, Ohio, that's who. But this is not his story ... } } It is the story of Morey's great uncle, Hans Schickelgruber, and of a } Nazi experiment gone horribly awry. Hans was a scientist working for } Germany during World War II, and late in the war he developed what can } best be described as a mind control machine. It could take a single } thought of its operator and project it to a target population, who } would then become obsessed with it. When Hitler heard of the machine, } he wanted Hans to broadcast a thought like "I want to shoot everyone in } my platoon" to the advancing Allied armies. But Hans could not bring } himself to do something so cruel. He had been reading Aristophanes, so } instead he decided to broadcast "I will not have sex with any man until } we surrender the war" to all the women in the U.S. (the machine could } be set to target one gender). The impact this would have had on history } (not to mention the birthrate in early 1946) would have been } staggering, but it was not to be. } } On the night of April 1, 1945, while Hans was preparing to send his } message, the Allies staged a bombing raid on the city where he worked. } As the rubble of his laboratory crashed down around him, he desparately } activated the device. Unfortunately, in his dying moments, Hans's eyes } fell upon a picture of his wife, Helga. And Helga Schickelgruber was, } to put it mildly, a real porker. He could not help but think, "My God, } what a fat, ugly woman." And that thought was broadcast to the women } of America, who took it to heart and have passed it down by example to } all their female descendants. Much to the dismay of we men who get } tired of hearing it, but much to the benefit of the diet soda industry. } } You owe the Oracle some fat-free Ambrosia to serve to Lisa. --- 833-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need your help . I'm I need your help. I'm > new to the Internet , new to the Internet, > and have never used the and have never used the > Oracle before; I know Oracle before; I know > how easy it is to fake how easy it is to fake > e-mail messages, and I e-mail messages, and I > was afraid I'd get a was afraid I'd get a > reply from some phony . reply from some phony. > > The recent government The recent government > attempts at taking attempts at taking > over the net, and over the net, and > control ling what we controlling what we > see, hear and think, see, hear and think, > smacks of McCarthyism smacks of McCarthyism > to me, and looks like to me, and looks like > a threat to free speech a threat to free speech > in cyberspace . in cyberspace. > > Is this true , Oracle ? Is this true, Oracle? > Will future generations Will future generations > say that we held on to say that we held on to > decency, but gave up decency, but gave up > liberty? Or by then liberty? Or by then > will it be too late? will it be too late? > Will there be n o one Will there be no one > who understands what who understand s what > liberty means a nymore? liberty means anymore? > > I get cross-eyed just I get cross-eyed just > thinking about it. thinking about it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, in view Dear supplicant, in view } of you unfortunate eye of you unfortunate eye } condition, I shall also condition, I shall also } write stereoscopically. write stereoscopically. } } I know, I know, this I know, I know, this } Net.indecency hysteria Net.indecency hysteria } we're currently having we're currently having } to endure is a pain in to endure is a pain in } the butt, isn't it? the behind, isn't it? } Jesus, there's always Jeepers, there's always } been porn on the Net, been naughtiness on the } just like there has in Net, just like there has } the real world. You want in the real world. You } to see naked hooters? want to see unclad } Just walk into any chests? Just walk into } goddam newsagent. And any atheistic newsagent. } how do you like the And how do you like the } bloody nerve of one sanguinary nerve of one } country thinking it can country thinking it can } tell the rest of the tell the rest of the world } world what it can and what it can and can't say } can't say in electronic in electronic communications? } communications? Can the Can the } frigging US government US government stop an } stop an Australian Australian calling a New } calling a New Zealander Zealander a sheepmolest^H } a sheepshagger if that's ^H^H^H^H^Hworrier if that's } what he really wants to what he really wants to } do? do? } } Hey, you know there was Hey, you know there was } even one of those even one of those intellect- } cretinous parental ually challenged parental } control filters recently control filters recently } that blocked Socks's that blocked Socks's } cruddy White House page encrusted White House page } for kids, because the for kids, because the } smutty pussy used the unclean private parts used } word couples to describe the word conjoins to describe } people like Bill and people like the President } Hillary? (Hah! As if and the First Lady? } Bill ever restricted his This kind of } of crap will ensure that number twos will ensure } the whole thing sinks that the whole thing sinks } under a tidal wave of under a tidal wave of } derision. Hell, your derision. Heck^H^H^H^H } kids learn far ruder Gosh, your kids learn far } words than couples at naughtier words than } school. Perhaps those conjoins at school. } geniuses in your Those geniuses in your } idiotic Congress should wonderful Congress should } legislate about what legislate about what } can be said in the can be said in the } playground, too. playground, too. } } Still, I understand Still, I understand } your fears about your fears about } freedom of speech on freedom of speech on } the Net, and sympathise the Net, and sympathise } with them. As an with them. As an } immortal, however, I immortal, however, I } have the advantage of a have the advantage of a } long-term perspective, long-term perspective, } and so I can assure you and so I can assure you } that I've seen all this that your government is } sort of thing before, only thinking of your } and it all blows over in welfare. You must trust } time. Repressive regimes your government. Your } rarely last more than a government knows what } century, often much is good for you. Those } less. Those smegheads in s } Congress think they know in Congress know that } what's good for you they are what is good } better than you do for you. They love you. } yourself. This is They want you to be } typical of the right- happy. They don't want } wing paternalism that you to worry your head } grips the Republican about matters you don't } party generally -- hence understand. But to do } all the whining on about all this, they need your } children, of course. complete obedience. } They want to treat you That's not too much to } all as children -- so ask, is it? We can't } much easier to control have people rocking the } than adults. And what boat. Not if we're to } with the resurgence in rebuild a law-abiding, } religious fundamentalism God-fearing America } as a backlash against from the ruins left by } the liberalism of the those pinko subversives } 60s and 70s, not to of the 60s and 70s. You } mention millenium fever, want your children to } they now think they've be safe. You want to be } got some sort of moral safe. You want us to } mandate for their heavy- look after you. You know } handed tactics. you do. } } But bear up, supplicant. But we noticed that you } Things are not as bad as used words like McCarthyism } they could be. Okay, so and liberty to imply that } we're undergoing a you were disapproving of } brief return to the your elected government's } days of McCarthyism. sterling efforts to protect } What you have to do is you from yourself. You must } keep saying to yourself: guard against Unamerican } "This country is still thoughts like these. Keep } a democracy. Come the saying to yourself over } elections, I'll see who and over: "Every day in } has my true interests every way I am getting } at heart and vote better, and more dutiful, } accordingly." And they and more trusting, and } know it. In the end, more obedient." You can } it's you who controls do it. You will do it. } them. Hang on to that And in the end, you'll } thought -- you'll feel feel better for it. } better for it. Or else. } } As this is your first As this is your first } time, you don't owe the transgression, Big Brother } Oracle anything. Please forgives you. Next time } feel free to call again it'll be a visit to the } anytime. room full of rats, buddy. --- 833-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is for a college paper, so it'd better be good: What is the > profile of the typical Oracle supplicant? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should know better than to try to fool the Oracle--I know } what college you go to, and I know what your average "paper" looks } like. "It had better be good." Hmmmmph. It's been a good day, so I'll } even write your paper; but, you didn't grovel, so I'll make sure it's } at about the same quality level as your previous papers. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } english w0000 (english as a foreign language for native english } speakers) prof. diddle, term paper } } WHAT ABOU TTHE SUPPLICANY? BY CHUP LEE KANT } } i are some comments to make regardinf the average suplicant. } firstly, is that because they just do not grovel like they usey to. i } mean at worst they used to do some #include grovel.h or obgrovel whhich } was obnoxious, but. now they don't even grovel even a littel and you } wonder why yhr oracle so mighty even writes back at all. i meen what } the HELL!!!!! second, is to their alway useing run-on sentences, bad } metaphots, and misspell eeverything. the oracle woldnt have a clue what } they wetre talkn about if he didnrt already known everything! it is } also wort noting that the average supplicnt doesn't grovel. i am hgoing } to write about that. } for the body of my pappr, having finished the introduckion, i } would like to say that although the average suppliacant is bad, that } ttese is not a causual relationshp between them being bad and the } potentiality of episiteiologicsl supplicants. you want two bodys on yer } head and hav two mirros in your hand. that is to say, that just about } ever supplicant really sucksm not just the average one. i meen what the } HELL!!!!! hw hard is it to have a little resptct for the allknowing and } maybe ask an interestng question not about lotus notes or lame } paradox-wannaves!?!?! } in condlusion, i'd like to say that somthing augt really to be } done about hte avergea supplicant. yay my nose is big, big like a } pickly, i'm still getting paid. not that i coudl understand an entity } as powerdul and macho as the oracle but i must say that it woul } dprobaky get very very annoying answering questions for iditos with no } respect. i meen what the HELL!!! damnit it sucks. it sucks, it sucks, } it sucks. in conclsion, it is time to think about doing something } oabout the avrege supplicant right away. thnaks i hope you like this } papre bettr than the onea bout my socks (which i thot was funny you } justdidnt get so i forwardd it to anothr professor for anoth opinion) } the end fo the psaper } } You owe the Oracle a little respect for helping boost your } average essay grade just a litte. --- 833-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > My roommate and I are trying to decide which is the > absolute worst spectator sport. I think it's golf; > he says bowling. Which one of us is right, or is > there something even worse that neither of us has > thought of? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you ever watched professional zazen? --- 833-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle of almost infinite grace and wisdom (and a certain > unspoken sexy allure), I've met a policeman who is tall, blond > blue-eyed and very athletic in the sack... please tell me, could > it all end in tears? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well there's always that possibility. Let's get an } accurate prediction, though. Where did I put my } crystal ball? Ah, there it is. } } I see a thick fog. Nothing much at all. Slowly, the } fog is clearing. I'm starting to make something out } now. I see... I see a long, skinny rectangle, with } a sort of button at one end of it. } } Drat. That's the low battery indicator. I'll have } to try the Tarot cards instead. } } While I shuffle them, have you heard the one about } the three monks and the bishop on the moon? You have? } Okay, I won't bore you with it again, then. } } Right. Let's start with the basic seven-card layout. } The first card relates to past events. And in that } position, we have... the seven of spades. AARGH! } Somebody switched decks on me. } } This won't do at all. I could do the bit with the } chicken entrails if you like. No? A bit squeamish, } are you? Lots of people are, these days. It doesn't } really matter. Chickens don't give very good readings } in affairs of the heart anyway. } } Ah well. It looks as if I can't give you a definite } answer today. You owe the Oracle two alkaline C cells, } and a proper Tarot deck. --- 833-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > could you please explain Visual Basic to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Awright, recruits! Line UP! You're here for Visual Basic Training, } y'hear! } } What a sorry mess o'meat we have here. It's a shame, a real shame. } } Corp'r'l, look at this. Do you see what they're sending us these days, } tryin' to pass for geeks? } } Listen UP! You're here at Camp Turing for Visual Basic Training. When } you signed up, you thought you were going to be spending time playing } DOOM and finding the secret way to cheat at Minehunt, didn't you? Well, } it's not going to be that way. You're here for two things: Coding your } butt off, and hacking 'til your ears bleed. For the next six weeks, I'm } gonna be your worst nightmare, kicking you around the compound, } treating you like a library routine without documentation. } } You! Yes, you there. What's your name. Speak UP! Reinhart, huh? What do } you call this, Reinhart? It looks like one of them America On-Line } install diskettes. Is that what it is? I said, is THAT what it IS, } geek? Do you keep an America On-Line install disk in your pocket at } Camp Turing? Awright, geek, drop down and give me fifty lines of } algorithm for sorting a telephone-number database. } } Hey, you! Are you sniffling, geek? I can't HEAR you! Where you from? } You know, there's never been a good hack that comes out of } Californ-ee-AY, not since Woz retired. Do you know what we get from } Californ-ee-AY these days, son? I can't HEAR you! We get nothin' but } viruses. You a virus, boy? Are you callin' me a liar? You a virus, } boy? You know what we do with viruses in the camp? We put 'em through } the Turing Machine. That's it, right over there. You don't want that, } do you boy? All right... Run around the Turing Machine three times, } then come back and wire up a help system using a touch screen out of a } TRS-80 and a ball of twine. What are you standing here for? Go, go, go! } } Awright. Any of the rest of you pathetic losers have a Geek Code? Speak } up. Anybody? You? You got a Geek Code? Well, let's see it. Whup it out; } let's see if you've got what it takes to be a geek. Haw! You call that } a Geek Code? You don't even have the o+ in the right order. Do you } think you could remove a unix file named -rf, boy? Could you? What } command would you use? You ain't much of a geek, are you? Say it. Say } "I'm no geek SIR!" I can't HEAR you! Get out there and port Linux to } the HP-48gx. Go! } } Okay. The rest of you, hook up these generators to the stationary } bicycles and pedal like hell. The Lieutenant needs to take his laptop } out into the field in another six hours, and the batteries are totally } drained. } } You owe the Oracle an honorable discharge.