From oracle-request Tue May 21 13:35:50 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.51) id NAA26087; Tue, 21 May 1996 13:35:50 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 21 May 1996 13:35:50 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199605211835.NAA26087@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #835 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 835 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #835 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 21 May 1996 13:35:50 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 835 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 830 94 votes 5swja kusc4 3fnCf 4bGv6 fAu94 8sxi7 5jEm8 cDz71 8pur4 9msle 830 2.9 mean 3.0 2.5 3.5 3.3 2.5 2.9 3.1 2.4 2.9 3.1 --- 835-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis Viles) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Super, wonderful, gracious, superfluous oracle! > > Answer me this! > > Is it possible for you to create a question so difficult that not > even you can answer it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course not! For thousands of years I have answered the questions of } mankind on all subjects. If I started creating questions as well, I'd } never get anywhere. Besides, I'm not allowed; the creation of questions } is strictly the province of the Usenet Quizicle - I'll hand you over. } } -->SUPPLICANT TRANSFER COMPLETE } } How are you? What do you want? Would you like a question? Anything in } particular? When you say 'so difficult', do you mean complex or just } hard? Why do you want to know anyway? Do you get some kind of twisted } pleasure out of paradoxes? Don't you have anything better to do? } Wouldn't you prefer a question involving popular culture? You're sure? } Will this do? "What is the complete history of every atom in the } Universe from creation up until the time you finish answering the } question?" } What about this? } "Why is McDonalds popular?" } Does this take your fancy? } "How much wood would a wo-" } } *******ZOT******* } } --> CONNECTION TERMINATED. RETURNING SUPPLICANT. } } Now you know why I'm so much more popular, and where all those really } annoying questions come from. I'm afraid that due to his immortality, I } can't permanently *ZOT* the irritating little dweeb, but that should } slow him down for a while. } } You owe the Oracle a stone too heavy for God to lift, and } Schroedinger's Cat. --- 835-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis Viles) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Oracle on my internet connection > Please tell me... > > Why is the large land mass northeast of Canada called "Greenland" > when most of the area is covered with an ice sheet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yawn. The ignorance of some supplicants nearly overwhelms me. } } But wait, I'm the Oracle, and cannot be overwhelmed. } } Your ignorance UNDERwhelms me. } } Eric (The Red) and his son Leif ran a real-estate operation about a } thousand years ago. They enticed Norse farmers (who should have known } better) to pull up stakes and move to the Vast Unexplored and Fertile } Terretories they claimed to have discovered. Iceland was first, but } that name didn't go over very well. Next was Greenland, and then } Vineland, and finally Columbus, Ohio. Each more enticing, more } expensive, and further away than the one before. Sort of like } suburban subdivision tracts. } } There was a bit of a problem in reaching Columbus, Ohio. First of } all, Columbus hadn't been born yet. Secondly, the Norse explorers } were trying to get there via a northern route, sailing south from } Husdon's Bay. They landed in Minnesota. If you do not believe me, go } to Lake Woebegone. where you can find the Statue of the Unknown } Norwegian. (Actually, because I'm an all-knowing Oracle, I know who } he is, but I'm not telling. Oskar Knutsen's secret is safe with me.) } } You owe the Oracle someone who will eat the rest of a year's supply } case of lutefisk. --- 835-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All-knowing Oracle can you explain something that is unfathomable to > me? Why don't grown-ups get summer break? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The reason, oh seeker of knowledge, stems from a little recognized } parasitic infestation of the adult members of the human population } which is especially virulent in developed countries. The parasite } (Vehicularii passengercarus) comes in a number of variants (such as } subcompactunatum, minivanus, and the particularly nasty } Monster-Truckulii), of both domestic and foreign origins. } } This parasite attaches to its human host at around age 16 to 21, often } having been acquired from members of the infected individual's family. } The parasite immediately becomes an enormous drain on the host, forcing } the afflicted individual to search for ever-growing amounts of } sustenance. This often starts with after-school and summer jobs, but } quickly grows to full time, 40 hr/week careers; thus forcing the adult } host (or "grown-up") to be in an unending search for fresh resources to } support this awful parasite and forgoing the summer-break which is the } naturals state of unafflicted humans. } } The infestation often is accompanied with a secondary infection, the } mortgage; which as the name implies is with the host until death. --- 835-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most grovellable, how do you get fifteen men on a dead man's > chest? Isn't it a little crowded? (Not to mention that awful crunching > sound as his rib cage collapses....) > > ____ _______ > Unisys Corporation > (at the Fritz Companies, Inc.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Arr, shiver me timbers, Jim lad, but it does a man's heart good } to hear some o' that mainframer talk again. Weren't so long ago } when old Orrie was on the crew of the good ship Sperry. And it } was wild times, and "Big Blue on the starboard bow!" and "Stand } by to repel lusers!" And a better crew you couldn't hope to have, } lad. And in the quiet times, we'd brew coffee, and we'd talk the } yardarm off, about who was the original "Boy-Programmer" whose } exploits were honoured by adding the term as a keyword in the bug } reports database. And the connection between grey zebras and } measuring performance. And whether Harold ever wore anything } different from that green polyester leisure suit. Course it } changed after the Merger, lad. Never trust a captain whose first } order is "Gild the lifeboats!" So that's when we invented the } Mike Blumentahl Secret Decoder Ring. Let's just set it up, Jim } lad, by typing in the secret phrase: } } h o n e y , i s h r u n k t h e c o m p a n y ! } } and see what it tells about your shanty. } } } Fifteen men } ^^^ Executive Vice-Presidents } } on a dead man's } ^^^^^^^^^^ engineer's } } chest } ^^^^^ brainpower } } Yo-ho-ho } ^^^^^^^^ We're in charge now } } and a bottle of rum } ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Gold credit cards, expense } accounts, etc. } } Drink } ^^^^^ Ship approaches harbour. Cap'n sends signal "Have } case of beri-beri on board, what should I do query". } Habour-master signals back "Send it to Sperry they } drink anything" } } and the Devil } ^^^^^ Bill Gates, of course } } had done for the rest } ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Involuntary } downsizing } } Yo-ho-ho } ^^^^^^^^ We're still in charge. So sue us. } } and a bottle of rum } ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Corporate jet, executive } center in south of France, } covered car space near the } door, etc. } } You see that, Jim lad? Even without the Decoder Ring thee was } thinkin' along the right lines. Jus' keep thy eyes blue and thy } nose brown, and you'll go far. } } You owe old Orrie a crutch, a wooden leg, and a parrot that } shrieks "Pieces of seven!" so he can tell the "parroty error" } joke. } } [Sperry was merged into Unisys in 1986; name blanked to protect } supplicant's career. --DS] --- 835-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > kiddie porn And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, for heaven's sake! Try and get the words right! } } It's "Jimmy crack corn", okay? Not "kiddie porn". "Jimmy crack corn and } I don't care". Let's take it again from the top, shall we? --- 835-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is the best ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Me. Nyah. } } You owe the Oracle a '#1' trophy. --- 835-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most wise, most kind, most beautiful, please tell me: > > Why is it that I seem to be attracted only to women who bite me? > > A humble supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Eat more garlic. --- 835-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh "more powerful than a locomotive" oracle, > > Can you figure this one out? > > "There are three words in the English language that end in 'gry'. > Two of them are angry and hungry. The other one we use every day > and everybody knows what it means. If you listen closely, I > already told you the answer." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do you have _any_ idea how often I'm asked this? } } Almost as bad as woodchucks.. } } *zot* (at low setting) } } For your impudence, you owe the Oracle a list of twelve words ending in } 'splunge'. --- 835-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, > #include > > Why did the Knights who say Ni, say Ni? > > And why did they change their mind? > > Idle supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 75,000,000 years ago, the Galactic Overlord Xenu solved the } overpopulation of his Empire by kidnapping people, bringing them to } Earth, chaining them to a volcano, and dropping a nuke on them. They } were then captured, and taken to an "implant station", where they were } brainwashed into thinking they were mere mortals. Indeed, they were } even brainwashed into thinking that they should go around saying Ni! } Ni! } } They changed their mind after "finding some plants, trees, etc and } communicating with each one individually until they were sure their } communication had been received." } } You owe the Oracle one trip to alt.religion.scientology --- 835-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell this insignificant thing, oh great spiffy oracle... where > do woodchucks go in the winter (besides your dinner table)??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good lord! I don't think this has ever happened before. At least, I } don't think it has... hmm... Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!!! } } [Enter Zadoc the Priest, shuffling on his knees as custom demands] } } ZADOC: You whooped, O Usenet Ubermensch As Was But Internet Icon As Is? } } ORACLE: Well done, Zadoc -- that was so convoluted and fatuous not even } I understood it. } } ZADOC: Thank you, Master! } } ORACLE: Never mind the small talk. I called you in to have a look at } this woodchuck question -- } } [Zadoc the Priest lurches back in horror and starts crossing himself } vigorously, mumbling benedictions] } } ORACLE: No, twit! It's nothing like that, stop getting yourself in a } lather. Look -- the supplicant doesn't ask about wood-chucking. } It's a completely unrelated question. I think that's the first time } we've ever had that, isn't it? } } ZADOC: As you know, O Thou Who Art Gigascient But Occasionally } Forgetful, I have memorised all the Oracular digests to date as } part of my priestly training. There was once a generic woodchuck } question, to which you responded by sending the supplicant a } woodchuck FAQ. Another vile and bestial supplicant then spammed } your mailbox with all the questions taken from the FAQ itself. } } ORACLE [chuckling]: Oh yes, I remember now. It's not often anybody gets } multiply ZOTted. How is the miscreant now? } } ZADOC: Compost, Master. Along with his neighbors, their neighbors and } several passers-by. Our insurance premiums are still astronomic. } } ORACLE: Heh heh, that'll learn him to mess with immortals. } } ZADOC: Shall I notify our lawyers -- Messrs. Dewey, Cheatum and Howe -- } that you are about to repeat the exercise on this supplicant, so } that they can get the papers ready? } } ORACLE: No, I was rather pleased to get a different sort of woodchuck } question for a change. Shows an original mind. I think we should } reward the fellow. I know! Let's make him a priest. } } ZADOC: But -- but, Master! We don't have any vacancies for new priests } at the moment. } } ORACLE: That's okay, he can have your place. I was getting sick of the } sight of your face and the sound of your long-winded drivelling } anyway. } } [Zadoc the Priest, appalled beyond his power to express, kneels } paralysed before the Oracle, opening and closing his mouth without } issuing any sound] } } ORACLE: You know, Zadoc, you look just like a goldfish when you do } that. Yes, we'll give him your place, and... Say, what's his name, } anyway? } } ZADOC: Oop... agh... um, that is, er, Vernon T. Poppelmeyer. } } ORACLE: That could pose a problem. Poppelmeyer the Priest? Vern the } Priest? Hmm... no, I don't think so... Oh well, so much for that. } Looks like you can stay, Zadoc. } } ZADOC: Master, thank you, thank you, thank you! You are the sun that } lightens our darkness! Your mercy is not strained, it pours like } the oil out of a punctured supertanker and -- } } ORACLE: Oh, do shut up! Go away and strangle a lemur, or do something } else constructive. } } ZADOC: At once, Master! A dozen lemurs, Master! All in your name, O } Thou Who Art The Nemesis Of All Small Furry Irritating Creatures! } } [Zadoc the Priest shuffles backwards towards the door. A thought } strikes him just before he reaches it] } } ZADOC: Erm, Master... Forgive my insolence, for I know it is an affront } for such a wretched worm and pismire as myself to even draw breath } in your presence, but... } } ORACLE: *sigh* What now? } } ZADOC: Aren't you going to answer the supplicant's question, Master? } } ORACLE: What? What question? Oh! Of course I was. You didn't think I'd } forgotten, did you? } } ZADOC: Not for a nanosecond, Master! } } ORACLE: Good -- push off then. } } [Exit Zadoc the Priest] } } So, you want to know where woodchucks go in the winter? Florida. } } You owe the Oracle a priest without a silly name. I mean, for crying } out loud! Stenor, Snuggles, Dr. Noe, Harold the Foot, Darkmage -- what } can you hope to achieve with a rabble like that?