From oracle-request Tue Aug 27 17:47:47 1996 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.60) id RAA21084; Tue, 27 Aug 1996 17:47:47 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 27 Aug 1996 17:47:47 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199608272247.RAA21084@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #854 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 854 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #854 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 27 Aug 1996 17:47:47 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 854 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 849 110 votes dpzqb 3ryxd 5dwtv mBsh6 8lBtf 9dtDk 4izsp 28LGb 8sCt7 8pvth 849 3.2 mean 3.0 3.2 3.6 2.5 3.2 3.4 3.5 3.5 3.0 3.2 --- 854-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh conscientious Oracle, who always has his pets spayed or neutered, > why did the people inside my television feel it necessary to do a > special "Best of the Price is Right" show? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because, alas, they are trying to raise money to have Bob Barker } spayed. So far, Dian Parkinson has contributed $.02. } } You owe the Oracle one spayed Right-to-Lifer, for her answer. --- 854-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Possesor of Untold Riches of Wisdom, > > What's the square root of Rush Limbaugh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sonny Bono. --- 854-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, whose very being is hard for my mortal mind to fathom, could > you please answer me this question? > > Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman it is called > sexual harasment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it is called > $4.99/minute? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. Maybe I'll ask Lisa that one. } } ... On second thoughts, maybe I won't. } } Time's up. You owe the Oracle $4.99. --- 854-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Orrie! Watch me pull a woodchuck out of my hat! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE: Again? } } (Bullwinkle reaches into his hat and pulls out William Shatner) } } SHATNER: Get... a life! It's... only... a... show! Buy... MY... Star } trek... novels, Fire... of Eden... and the... Return! I'm... happy } with... the end of... Generations... Theres... a thing... on... the } wing... } } ORACLE: My GOD, Bullwinkle! Look what you've done! } } (Curtain closes on the Oracle running for his life as Shatner bursts } into song...) } } SHATNER: Looo... cy... in the... SKY... with... Diamonds... Oh... --- 854-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > \ > > .. > / > > --------------- > > ^C Prompt $p$g$g > > !H > :wq And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello, We're glad to see that you've expressed an interest in } CrypticDOS version 5.068289! You will notice that none of your } "standard DOS" commands will work. This is Standard Operating } Procedure. Here are some examples: } } DOS command___CrDOS equilivant___ } REN STIMPY } CD VINYL } MD DENTIST } DEL IBM } ERASE CHALKBOAR } PROMPT CUE } DIR DIRIGIBLE } CALL HANGUP } REM METALLICA } COPY CAT } DATE PALM } TIME PARSLEYSAGEROSEMARYAND } VOL AMPLITUDE } BREAK SHATTER } } Thank you! Remember, you can order CrypticDOS today for just $39.95, } and we'll include your own personalized copy of FORMAT, using ANY } command name YOU want! } Have your friends join the fun! Order additional copies for just $29.95 } each and we'll include a copy of CrypticLink, perfect for talking or } sending files to a friend! } Remember, the number is 1-800-555-1212! Order now! --- 854-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr Wise One, what happens to mineral water when it expires? > I know that milk becomes sour, but what could possibly happen > to water? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When it expires, mineral water becomes Malta Wine, err, no, that's not } it. Long ago, Leer writ "mana is what mineral water turns into", } although Ana Merle writ otherwise. As long as you keep it away from } your waterline ram, she wrote "it's okay for mineral water to be warm } eternal; I like it that way." It may sound like an alien war term, or } some sort of wet arm (linear), but don't be fooled by me reliant raw } language. In Canada, in the winter, Mar Ale is what you'll end up } with. I hope you aren't yet sick of my lame wire rant, 'cause I'm not } done. Some will say that refrigeration is the best way to prevent } expiration, and you may think they're right, but they aren't: raw lime } works much better. I should know; one time, rear lawn had a tree we } often used for such, even though a rare law met in some states } disallows it. I hope you learned from me raw rant; lie back and drink } a mineral water to relax. } } You owe the Internet Oracle a Corn Tree Inlet, a non-career title, a } lit neon terrace, certain net lore, and a lace net. Toni, err, Lisa, } likes that sort of thing. --- 854-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the month July comes from the name Julius, from whence do the others > derive their names (especially April)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They come from a variety of places: } } January, February, March: Named for three sisters of Roman mythology, } Jan, Februaria, and Marsha. All of them had hair of gold, like their } mother -- the youngest one (Februaria) in curls. During the reign of } Marcus Aurelius, Februaria's name was changed to Cindia, to avoid the } enormous civil wars that used to erupt between people who pronounced } the first r and people who didn't. } } April: This name, oddly enough, was not used by the Romans, but comes } from the work of Geoffrey Chaucer. Chaucer's masterwork, _The } Canterbury Tales_, starts } } Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote } The droghte of March hath perced to the roote } And bathed every veyne in swich licour . . . } } Scholars of the nineteenth century assumed that "Aprill" was Chaucer's } name for the month following March, and adopted it as more elegant } than the old Roman name, "Vernalideuteromartia". In fact, recent } scholarship has discovered that the name actually refers to a well- } known figure of Chaucer's day, Llewelyn ap Rill, a Welshman who used } to celebrate the coming of spring by pouring a hogshead of wine over } his head. } } May and June: Named after two Roman goddesses, Maia and Juno. Juno was } married to Jupiter, so her month was considered felicitous for } weddings. Maia posed naked for a painting by Goya; her month was } considered an excellent one not to be married in. } } July and August: Named after Julius and Augustus Caesar, respectively. } (The months of Tibery, Caligull, Claudy, and Nerr never quite caught } on.) } } September, October, November, and December: So named because they were } months number 7 (_septem_), 8 (_octo_), 9 (_novem_), and 10 (_decem_), } respectively, in the old Roman calendar. This often causes confusion, } since they are the 9th through 12th months of our calendar; however, } the Romans used to number the months as follows: } } January -- 1 } February -- 2 } March -- 5 } April -- 6 } May -- 4 } June -- 3 1/2 } July -- 5 (again) } August -- pi } September -- 7 } October -- 8 } November -- 9 } December -- 10 } } This was changed to our modern system by Marcus Aurelius, who declared } the old system to be _stultissimus verbis_ ("too stupid for words"). } } You owe the Oracle a _Xena: Warrior Princess_ calendar (for research } purposes). --- 854-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How is it that the world can be full of such boundless good while > children are blown up on flights to Paris? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Such a cynical question for one so young, } } The truth of the matter is that when large numbers of children(often } excited by a trip to Eurodisney) are enclosed in the confines of an } aircraft } they achive critical mass and thereby explode showering happiness over } a large area --- 854-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, no, no! You went to the wrong place. I told you to get your } questions from /nev/dull, not /dev/null! } } At least your grovelling wasn't as bad as last time. --- 854-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help, please, O swift Oracle. Like other supplicants I'm so messed up > I find it hard to bend over far enough to grovel. Anyway, i tried to > use a bubble sort, but the bubbles got caught in the algorithm and > slowed it down to a crawl. So I tried a shell sort, and the shells > messed up the logarithm. Please give me a method for sorting that > will work. I mustn't spend a lot of effort because I'm behind already > and my assignment is late. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's check My Handy-Dandy Guide to which sort fits your situation: } } Bubble Sort: This is slow, inefficient, and primarly useful only when } ordering thise little bars of soap you get in hotels, on } airplanes, and as free samples in the mail } Shell Sort: Very good when going to a raw bar. The Oracle finds that } this lets you efficiently work through the various } oysters, clams and mussels } Heap Sort: The Oracle's personal favorite. Used while dealing with } both clean and dirty laundry } Quick Sort: Very helpful deciding what flavor milk you want to drink } with your cookies before bedtime. } Vorpal Sort: When ordering Lewis Carroll poems, primarily. Not widely } known or understood. } } You owe the Oracle a quick heap of bubbling shells