From oracle-request Mon Sep 2 15:51:43 1996 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.60) id PAA16270; Mon, 2 Sep 1996 15:51:43 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 15:51:43 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199609022051.PAA16270@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #855 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 855 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #855 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 15:51:43 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 855 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 850 111 votes 3mJub kAGa3 5rHt7 6lJx6 6crCs 6nDwb 8kyBc 6nFlk 5hFwg 7lqyn 850 3.2 mean 3.2 2.5 3.1 3.1 3.6 3.2 3.2 3.2 3.3 3.4 --- 855-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hi there, > read you have an REM - Automatic for the People cd on sale. > > i'd like it please... if you can make it u.s.d.5 , plus postage to > singapore, i'll take it. thanks And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, you won't like it. (Remember, I'm the Oracle) You'll only } really enjoy "Drive" and "Ignoreland" and maybe one other song. } "Nightswimming" will remind you of that embarrassing skinny dipping } episode in Daytona Beach a couple of years ago (we all know how *that* } turned out), and you'll gradually play the whole album less and less. } It will sit on your shelf for a year or two until you trade it in at a } used CD store. } } Instead I'm sending you a few things you don't have in your collection: } Twisted Sister, Vivaldi, Doc Watson, and Weird Al. That'll keep you } busy and off the streets for a while. } } You owe the Oracle four more CD's at regular club prices within the } next two years. --- 855-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are all the binders on my bookshelf three-ring binders? > What's so magical about the number three? Why can't they > make eight-ring binders, or four-ring binders, or one-ring > binders? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Three rings? Where I live the standard is five, and what's worse, } they overlap. About the only thing in its favour is that no-one in } their right mind anywhere else would think of adopting Jupiter's } joke for any serious purpose. } } Three rings is the ANSI standard. It's the most thoroughly } researched of them all, and many other ANSI standards have been held } up awaiting results of ring-binder field tests in the conference } circuit [1]. This is probably the origin of the common reference to } ANSI as being a 3-ring circuit. } } By contrast, ISO decided early on that two rings were sufficient, } only to realise that their standard A4 paper was slightly larger } than ANSI's standard letter size and two holes led to a } significantly increased chance of pages ripping loose. This resulted } in the wide-ISO 4-ring standard[2]. } } The only other significant standard is the single ring that you } mention. It has the advantage of greatest flexibility, but is now } little-used outside specialist circles [4]. } } Other standards have been used from time to time [6]. We have } doubtless not seen the end of this debate. } } Hope this helps, } } The Oracle[10]. } } [1] Interestingly, 3-hole prepunched paper is readily available in } the USA, but punches able to perforate plain paper with 3 holes are } difficult to adjust to punch at exactly the correct separation. } No-one has been able to satisfactorily explain this. } } [2] Two pairs of the 2-ring standard stacked above each other: a } typically pragmatic European approach [3]. } } [3] Except that the inter-pair separation is specified in inches at } the insistence of the British government, whereas the intra-pair } separation is specified in millimeters. Interestingly, 2-hole } punches with the correct separation are readily available in Europe, } but punches able to perforate plain or 2-hole paper with 4 holes are } difficult to adjust to punch at exactly the correct separations. } No-one has been able to satisfactorily explain this. } } [4] eg, Edward Lear, "The Owl and the Pussycat", which features a } pig with such a single ring "at the end of his nose[5]", } subsequently purchased by the protagonists and used as a symbol of } their deep affection for each other. } } [5] Interestingly, thousands of young people are today wearing rings } in their noses[9]. No-one has been able to satisfactorily explain } this. } } [6] For example, this fragment recently published in the Bodlean } Library Archives series from the Oxford University Press: } } B.L. Ms 12447 } Medium: graphite pencil on whitewashed brick. } Date: Content and radiocarbon dating of wood fragments embedded in } whitewash suggest 1950-51 austerity period. } } "Lord, oh these Rings![7]" } } Three rings for everyday things, don't ask why, } Seven for an ancient mystic tome, } Nine's far complex ever to fly, } One for the paper by the porcelain throne } In this small reading-room where the shadows lie. } One ring to hold newsprint falling to pieces - } Better by far would be graduates' theses! } In this small reading-room where the shadows lie." } } [7] There is also a fragment headed "Bawd of the Rings", which } breaks off[8] when the writer realises that the numbers in his verse } don't match any known human erogenous zones. } } [8] Thank God. } } [9] Not to mention elsewhere. } } [10] You owe the Oracle a recording of Tom Lehrer singing } } I lust for your dress as it clings, dear, } But even more for the clench of these rings, here, } Whose spring jaws conjoin } To the left of my groin, } As we dance to the Masochism Tango. --- 855-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, who lives on the writers' block of Easy Street, > > I want to get rich by writing a best-selling financial novel. > I am stuck, and need your help so I can continue: > > "Francly, my dear, I've got a yen for you," he liraed. > She pounded the table dollarously, making a mark, > and replied, "Haven't you the cents to see it can never be? > Here, have a peso of this pie, or some of this dirham fruit." > > What should I say next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Well, escudo me, I won to find a riyal dame, so I'll kip looking," he } replied schillingly. "Yuan to taka my word for it, centimes you've got } to shekel leg." } } He started to leva, baht turned back. "I'll have a peseta pie too, if } you dong mind." He walked into the drachma night, holding only his } dinar, and said to himself, "...that's dalasi time I'll see that loony. } I wish I'd guilder." } } He marched off, pfennig his rupee with his rand, to krona to his next } riel cruzado. } } You owe the Oracle 50% of your royalties. --- 855-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Oracle on the wall: > > Who's dumber than Dan Quale? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, he isn't. } } He is a very spiffy guys, and great at running through tunnels. } } Now - what was you question? --- 855-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, Oracle. You are my all-time hero and a totally great guy. > > Should I accept this mission they are offering me? I'd say it was > completely impossible but somehow the agency makes it sound merely > really dangerous. Yet they seem quite a bit uncertain of whether I can > make it. I've never refused a mission before but this one really makes > me nervous. What should I do? > > This message will self-destruct in five seconds. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 4.... } 3.... } 2.... } 1.... } *BOOM* } } [The message explodes in an opaque cloud of smoke. After a second or } two, the smoke dissipates, to reveal the Oracle, standing with a } blackened envelope in his hand. His face is completely covered with } soot, and what's left of his hair is standing up on end, rather like } Einstein's, but badly singed.] } } What is this? A question from the Unabomber? I thought they had him } under control. Well, let me consult my crystal ball. } } [The Oracle draws the curtain over the window, gets out his crystal } ball and sets it on the table, and begins to gaze into it. A breeze } moves the curtain, allowing a sunbeam to shine through the window } onto the crystal ball. The crystal ball focuses the beam directly on } the Oracle's robe, which promptly bursts into flame.] } } Yeeow! Whoo! Get it off me! Ouch! #$@#@@#! } } [The Oracle jumps up, flapping at the fire, and manages to put it } out. He holds up his burnt hands and surveys them. They are an } angry red color, visibly (and painfully) throbbing.] } } Well that was a bit of a bust. Perhaps the Ouija board would give me } a better answer. } } [The Oracle produces the board and the cursor, or whatever you call } that thing that you move around on it. He sets it up, and the cursor } begins moving around the board, seemingly of its own accord.] } } This looks promising. Let's see... L... O... O... K... O... } U... T... "Look out?" Not much information, but I suppose I can } } [The Ouija cursor suddenly shoots across the board, and hits the } Oracle in the solar plexus with one of its pointy bits.] } } Ooof! [The Oracle's eyes momentarily turn into little X's.] Somehow } I get the feeling the board wasn't answering the supplicant's } question. I guess that means I've run out of parlor tricks, and I'll } just have to do some research. } } [The Oracle goes over to his bookshelves, which fill two entire walls } of the room.] } } Hmmm... where to start? Agatha Christie for this one, perhaps, or } maybe good old Sherlock. Yes, I think I'll start with him. } } [The Oracle tugs at a largish book on one of the upper shelves. It } appears to be stuck. The Oracle pulls harder, and the book comes off } the shelf, pulling with it the ones on both sides. A shower of books } rains down on the Oracle. The bookshelf wobbles visibly, and an } anvil, which was gratuitously placed on top of the shelves, topples } off and lands directly on the Oracle's head. The Oracle falls to the } ground, stunned, his eyes now a pair of rotating spirals. A circle } of stars spins around his head, and somewhere a bird is singing.] } } I give up. Supplicant, I'm going to have to leave this question } unanswered, or the next thing you know I'll be walking off the edge } of a cliff. I hope you have better luck with your mission than I } did with your question. } } You owe the Oracle a roadrunner steak, and some way to get out of } this contract with Warner Brothers cartoons. --- 855-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and mighty Oracle, please answer this humble supplicant's > question: > > I am planning on doing freelance web page design on a contract basis. > How much should I charge? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } CHAPTER 1. } } The name is Knight. Lance Knight. My enemies call me a loose cannon; } I like to describe myself as a freelance contract web designer. One } day I decided I'd had it working for the big boys, so I put out my } shingle, and decided that I wasn't afraid to charge for it; hell, } there was enough dough floating around, so why couldn't I make a little } bread? } } She walked through my office door like she was in the Colliseum; she } was lion, and I was the Christian. I knew that if I lost my nerve, I } could loose more than just my head. } } "Knight," she said, "I heard that you're good and that you're not } afraid of a challenge." She settled into the chair across the desk } like dust settling in a sunlit attic; slow, soft and silent. If she } only realized what kind of trouble we both were going to get into, she } might have thought twice about giving that kind of an opening line. } } "Yeah, I'm fast, and I'm good; but I'm not cheap," I snarled, trying to } keep my eyes on my computer screen and away from her deep blue eyes. } } "What do you charge?" she sighed, obviously annoyed at my directness; } she thought that I was going to be a pushover for her pussycat routine. } She was wrong. } } "One grand per page, plus expenses." I let the last syllable of } 'expenses' roll off my tongue, which was pretty easy with it hanging } out of my mouth the way it was.... } .... } } CHAPTER 23. } } ....the server hid behind the firewall, but there were so many } security holes that I was able to score three good hits on his home } page. He was big; but the bigger the server, the harder it falls. } Seconds later his head crashed to the floor. } } "Turn around, Lance!" I spun around, and there she was; she was } holding an Apple Newton, and it was aimed straight at me. Palmtops } seem like toys, until you're staring at their business end. } } "I want the private key, Lance. Give it to me!" She took a step } closer. That little infra-red LED didn't seem so little anymore. } She took one more step closer. A little too close. } } I made a grab for her Newton -- she dodged my attempt, but it gave me } enough time to get me out of the line of fire. Enough time for me to } hit the Reset button on Mr. Server. Enough time for me to tie my } shoelace, which had come undone. More than enough for me to smoke that } Cuban stogie in my jacket pocket. Plenty of time to iron the crease } back into my pants, go for a sweat at the "Y", cut the lawn and plan } where the fruit trees were going to go.... } ------- } } You owe the Oracle cable modem and a 4M SVRAM Video card. With } built-in MPEG support. And a stack of 50's detective novels. --- 855-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh wonderful and knowledgeable oracle.... What is a light > year and when will the swallows be coming back to Capitsrano ?? > Thanks for your time and YES, I think that I WILL have another cup > of coffee. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } the light year is a unit of time, in the emperial measurement system, } approximately equal to .74 heavy years. } } the swallows aren't coming back. their union is striking against } the frequent mis-spelling of their nesting grounds. --- 855-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you really named Frank? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } she demanded in a brittle voice, whirling around to nail me to the wall } with her fiery glare. } } "You doubt me?" I asked, careful to keep my voice low and even. } } "Oh, I don't know what to think anymore!" she cried, and paced the room } like a caged woodchuck. "Three weeks ago, when I met you at Olivia's } party, I thought I was the happiest woman in the world. You and I shut } everyone else out at Trivial Pursuit, you knew how to mix every drink } that anyone at the party wanted, and when we were ready to go, you } found my keys for me even though I dropped them behind the couch before } you got there. Something seemed a little odd about you, but you were so } sweet and nurturing, I just couldn't keep you out of my thoughts." } } "You're never out of my thoughts," I said. "Of course, nothing is ever } out of my thoughts." As soon as I said it, I regretted it. } } "That's it exactly!" she howled. "I can't take this anymore! You're } unlike anyone I've ever met in my life, and I've come to think you're } unlike everyone else entirely. Strange things keep happening. My three } hundred pound neighbor who insisted on sunbathing nude on the front } porch vanished, leaving only a glowing pile of dust behind, and now the } X-Files screenwriters are crawling all over the place, gathering } material for an episode on spontaneous human combustion." } } "Look," I said in my best soothing tone of voice, "there's a perfectly } natural explanation for that --" } } "And every time I call and leave a message on your answering machine, } one of those twenty-six weirdos who live in your house calls me back } and says 'The Or -- erm, Frank has pondered your question deeply ... '" } She collapsed into a chair and her face crumpled. "That's just not } normal!" } } I didn't know what to say. She looked up pleadingly at me. "What we've } got is good. I want it to go on. I want you in my life, and me in } yours. But you've got to tell me the truth. The whole truth." } } I rubbed the back of my neck. "I usually need something in return for } telling the truth." } } She tilted her head and her eyes narrowed, then her face cleared. } "Well, that's kind of an unhealthy fixation, but no man is perfect, I } guess. We can work on that one. What do you 'need'?" } } I took a deep breath. "My name isn't Frank. It's Oracle. I see all, } know all, and when I get mad, I can reduce solid matter to vapor with a } word. Those twenty-six 'weirdos' are my priests. They help me manage } the stream of questions that I get all night and all day. People all } over the world grovel before me and plead for my wisdom." I paused, } gathering my strength for the last part. "And Lisa, you're the most } beautiful woman I've ever seen. Your glance flies straight to my heart } like an arrow, and your smile makes my head swim and my knees go all } trembly." } } Her face relaxed into a delighted glow, and she flowed into my arms. } After an eternal moment's silence, she led me upstairs to her bedroom. } } As the door closed behind us, I mumbled, "You owe the Oracle, erm ... " --- 855-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is love like a duck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Love swims through the pond of life, unaware of the Alligator Snapping } Turtle that is Fate. And a duck, well, you know. --- 855-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie! I just heard that Microsoft is going to buy you out!? Is this > true? Are we going to see you included in the next realese of Win '95? > Tell me it ain't so! I can't handle a "point -n- drool" oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } /-------------------------------------------------\ } | Error #345: Redundant error | } | | } | An error has occurred while reporting an error. | } | | } | This application will now be terminated. | } | | } | [ Ok ] [ Not Ok ] | } \-------------------------------------------------/