From oracle-request Thu Sep 12 17:42:20 1996 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.61) id RAA15235; Thu, 12 Sep 1996 17:42:20 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 12 Sep 1996 17:42:20 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199609122242.RAA15235@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #858 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 858 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #858 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 12 Sep 1996 17:42:20 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 858 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 853 96 votes 8pxka 5dwAa 8huub 3fErb 8uvp2 6oJd8 dqCg3 3bnvs 6crul 4nDo6 853 3.2 mean 3.0 3.3 3.2 3.3 2.8 2.9 2.7 3.7 3.5 3.1 --- 858-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck > would? What would the cost of chucking so much wood be? How much > should one pay a woodchuck for chucking that much wood? Would you > pay that much? What if the woodchuck was a member of the Union? Would > he charge more? What if the Union went on strike? Should we hire scab > woodchucks and have them chuck the wood for less? Could the scabs > chuck as much wood as a professional wood chucking woodchuck? What if > a wood chucking woodchuck became injured and was unable to chuck as > much wood as he could before? What if that same woodchuck was a > memeber of the Union? Should we just put him on early retirement, or > what? How much should we pay retired wookchucks? Does it depend on > how much wood they could chuck? What kind of hours do woodchucks > work? What about work weeks? What kind of education do they need? > What kind of starting salary should we offer them? Should we insist > that they have a masters degree in chucking wood? If they have a > Ph.D. are they over qualified? Do all woodchucks enjoy their work? > Why? Do all woodchucks chuck as much wood as they could? Why? Do all > oracles hate woodchucks? Do all woodchucks hate all oracles? Why? Do > woodchucks eat spam for dinner? Does spam eat woodchucks for dinner? > What do woodchucks eat? Where do they eat it? When do they eat it? > How much wood would you chuck if you were a wood chucking woodchuck? > Would you join the Union? Would you strike with the Union? What > salaries would you demand? What kind of education would you have > before going out into the job market? Would you try to move up in the > company? How far? Why? When? What does a woodchuck have to do with a > lemur? What does a woodchuck have to do with Lisa? Did Lisa tell you > that she caught Zadoc keeping a woodchuck for a pet? Why was he doing > this? Why didn't you know about it before hand? Did you know about it > before hand? Did I forget to grovel? Will you forgive me? Why? Is the > fact that Lisa isn't pregnant your fault? Is it hers? Is it a > woodchuck's? How much spam could a supplicant mail if a supplicant > could mail spam? What is the point? Why am I asking so many > questions? Are you going to answer them all? Are you going to ZOT me > for asking the woodchuck question? Why? When? Now? Why not? Why so? > Why did I ask you the woodchuck question? When will I get a reply? > Are you mad at me? Is it something I said? What did I say? Do you > want me to leave? How much do I owe you? > > should And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *sigh* Yet another supplicant asking a huge gaggle of questions hoping } I won't be able to keep up with all of them, thus embarrassing myself } publicly. } } Well, Binky, I hate to break it to ya, but the Internet Oracle is } perfectly capable of embarrassing himself publicly on his own. He } doesn't need you; just a bottle of Jaegermeister and a couple of } minutes. } } But, on the off-chance you're actually sincere in being so acutely } lamebrained, I'll give it a go. } } *deep breath* } } A woodchuck can chuck as much wood as a woodchuck can chuck, and } please see me after class. $4.50 per cubic foot, unless you own your } own chuck, in which case it would merely be labor. Standard wage of } $0.45 an hour is about as much as a woodchuck can expect to recieve } at this date, minus, of course, FICA and Social Security. I would } personally never pay that much given my natural aversion to things } woodchuck. If a woodchuck belongs to a Union, it simply doesn't } matter here because this shop is _not_ a right-to-work shop. There's } no doubt a unionized woodchuck would demand more money, but, again, } due to my aversion to them, that's right out. Frankly, if a woodchuck } union were to strike, my first reaction would be to strike back... } with a large club. The matter of scabs only comes to the fore if } you're thinking grave bodily injury to the woodchuck in this office. } And if a woodchuck were injured and unable to chuck I would be, } well, almost gleeful and childlike in my happiness. If that same } woodchuck were the member of a Union, it would still not affect my } glee. I would be, as it were, only _too_ happy to retire that } woodchuck early, preferably with a nice red wine and some lima } bean stock. It'd be hard to pay that woodchuck once eaten. I'm not } even going to dignify that question with an answer. } } *breath* } } Woodchucks are generally nocturnal creatures, meaning you can only } find them and squash them well after dark; it keeps the ASPCA off } your back. They're generally active seven days a week, except on } Jewish holidays. Woodchucks are generally not educated, although I } know a couple who graduated from Berke... scratch that, they're not } educated either. You should never offer a woodchuck a salary, because } they'd only go out and use the money to buy more wood -- don't be } a habit-former for them. I hate to break it to you, but chucking } wood is not a master's-level degree... Women's Studies is, but } chucking wood is not. There is no PHd. program in chucking wood } either, although a philosophy doctorate is just about as useful. } Not all woodchucks enjoy their work, because many of them are found } burned to a blackened crisp on the forest floor. You'd have to ask } the woodchucks why, although I can guarantee you won't be able to } pin a damn thing on _me._ Not all oracles hate woodchucks, because } there is indeed a Woodchuck Oracle, who is, of course, not as sexy } or wise as me. Not all woodchucks hate oracles, because I seem to } get a disproportionate amount of e-mails from them, poor bastards. } I'd say you could ask them why, but I don't think you're, ah, going } to be able to reach them today. Woodchucks actually hate spam with } a passion. Spam is, actually, made from woodchuck -- I'm on the } Hormel board of directors, you know. Woodchucks like to eat wood. } They usually eat it in the woods. And they always eat it when they're } in the woods -- duh. Now, I can't really speak to being a woodchuck, } but I can safely say if I were a woodchuck, I would have been zotted } a long long time ago. I wouldn't join a Union, I'd be dead. I would } never strike with a union, I'd be toasted. I'd never demand a } salary, I'd be a pot roast. I'd never obtain an education, I'd be } fertilizer. Moving up in the company is not an option, because I'd } be pushing up daisies from below. I would never move up, but I would } move down six feet under. You'd never find out why because I'd have } already joined the choir invisible. I'd never determine when the } best time to become a corporate woodchuck would be because I'd } already have wrung down the curtain, as it were. A woodchuck has } nothing to do with a lemur save for the fact that both annoy the } hell out of me. A woodchuck is a nasty, brown creature with sawdust } in its teeth, and Lisa is a *ahem* loving, sexy thing... always. } I will, of course, be disposing of Zadoc -- again! -- after what you } have told me. I don't exactly know why he might be keeping a woodchuck } in the office, but I suspect it may be something akin to the joke } about the Scot and the sheep. I didn't know about it beforehand, but } I try to adopt the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy around here -- } except in rare woodchuck offenses. } } *woooooooo* } } Why, yes, supplicant, you did indeed forget to grovel. I will not } be able to forgive you for this, sorry. I'm sort of aching from } typing this message, so I'm afraid I might just slip up in my } enfeebled condition and mistakenly hit the "Zot" key. The fact that } Lisa isn't pregnant has nothing to do with the jar of radium we } keep in the fridge to keep our priests sterile. Neither is it Lisa's } fault -- it's just a mutual decision to keep all of you in the dark } about the terrible tike's arrival. If a woodchuck even gets _near_ } my Lisa -- oooo! Well, suffice it to say there will be a new } atom brought into being called "Woodchuckium." If you'd like to } know how much spam a supplicant can spam, I'd like to suggest you } may have answered your own question. There _is_ no point to this, } neither is there a point to your existance. You are asking so many } questions because you are, in effect, a lamebrain. I am almost finished } answering them all. After I finish, I will take great pleasure in } ZOTing you back to the stone age. Because. Soon. Not now... because } I have to finish answering first, you dolt. BECAUSE I SAID SO. In } my honest opinion, you asked the woodchuck question because you } possess a brain half the size of a woodchuck's. You'll get your } reply soon -- in a plasma bolt. I'm not so much mad at you as } I am simply unimpressed by your lack of intelligence in this matter. } It is, of course, something you said. What did you say? WHAT DID } YOU SAY? What did you NOT say? I'd like you to leave now, my dear } spamming supplicant -- in a big blue bolt of lightning. You owe } the Oracle a can of Primatene Mist and two cases of Vicks VapoRub. } } And to your last word, I answer. } } Should you? You shouldn't have. Really. } } *ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT* --- 858-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where the heck are the anwers to the questions I've aske you?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry about that. We're still using your questions as teaching aids for } the Adult Literacy class. When we've finished with them there, we'll be } using them to test our new spell-checker. } } You owe the Oracle a translation of "Jabberwocky" in Hindu. --- 858-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > why do I get so stupid and unwitty answers on my most elaborate > questions from you? > > And then, when I'm fed up, I ask you some stupid and meaningless > question, and why is it then that you give the most brilliant and > ingenious answers? > > Dear Oracle, why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously our biorhythm waves are not crossing at the break even point. --- 858-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, knower of all the mysterys and prognosticator of all > events, please answer this humble supplicant's request: > > I sent a question to You the other day and got an answer back by > someone who claimed "She" was the Oracle. Now, I'm confused. History > always refers to the Oracle in a masculine sense; and precedence on the > Internet has always inferred a masculine persona, particularly in > reference to His girlfriend Lisa. Was Lisa answering the mail? Or have > you been to Sweden for "THE operation"? Or was someone mascarading as > the Oracle that should not have been? (This "oracle" was _very_ rude!) > > Please send your answer quickly, I'm distraught. (And, if case #2, and > you have no need for Lisa anymore, could you send her along also? I > hear she is the most beautiful woman in the world, maybe she could help > cheer me up.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jeez, can't the Oracle take a day off? As for rudeness, if you sat } here day in and day out answering questions like "Are we alone?" and } "What's the Meaning of Life" and of course the thousands od "woodchuck" } questions, you may get a little edgy. I mean, it's not like I'm } getting paid for anything. You think I do this for fun? It's like a } curse man! Daaay inn annd ddaay outt.. I ggotta gget outta heree! } As for Lisa, her name is Elizabeth and she's pregnant! Still want her? --- 858-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Welcome to the flophouse! Your cot is over there. You > get the bottom bunk. Don't worry about the fellow above > you - we've put rubber sheets on his mattress. You're > on your own for breakfast, but soup will be served at > lunchtime. If you need anything else, just give me a > shriek. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } N } } > You wander aimlessly into a bunk bed. } S } } > You come face to face with a 70 wino who has wet himself. } Listen to the wino } } > The wino is snoring } E } } > You are in the bathroom. It smells disgustingly like the wino. } W } } > You are at the door } Open door } } > The door opens with a creak. } W } } >You are outside a flophouse. There is a neon sigh overhead. } Inventory } } > You have: } > - a dead rat } > - a bloody axe } > - a toothbrush } > - the thing your Uncle Phil gave you } > - three condoms } > - $15.30 in Mexican coins } > - some cotton balls } > - no beer } Read the sign } } > Which sign. The neon sigh overhead, or the paper sign on the door. } Read the paper sign } } > By order of the city of Los Angeles, } > this property has been } > CONDEMMED } Read the neon sign } } > As you look up to read the neon sign above your head, you suddenly } > feel the back of your skull collapse under the impact of a lead pipe. } > With your dying breath, you feel a hairy arm releiving you of your } > wallet. } } > You are dead. You have scored 350 out of a possible 15,792 points. } > You have achieved the rank of supplicant. Do you wish to try again } > (Y/N) --- 858-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wonderful Oracle, whose teeth can deal with last > night's leftover pizza, pleas tell me... > > Is there any difference between Micro$oft and The Borg, if so > what is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle understands your confusion, dear supplicant - the two do } seem to work in similar, destructive, monoplistic ways. However, as } this excerpt shows, they are in fact totally different entities (The } Orc doesn't claim authorship of the following - he found it floating } about his vast Web) } } Subject Star Trek Lost Episodes transcript } } Text } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What creatures inhabited Mars? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Republicans and Democrats. Strange thing, though, is that they all } look like Ross Perot --- 858-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty beloved Oracle, > can you tell me how to become the richest man on earth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I can. } } You owe the Oracle a better phrased question. } } Ow! What was that for? It _is_ funny. Oh, alright. } Damn you, Kinzler. } } The Internet Oracle's Top 5 ways to become the Richest man on Earth. } } 1) The 'Lower the Fence' Method. } Kill everyone richer than you. In practice, you'll probably want } to kill all their relatives and business associates as well. } 2) The 'Take Over the Competition' Method. } Have plastic surgery so that you are the exact double of the } richest man on earth. Kidnap him and using a combination } of drugs, torture and hypnosis, find out absolutely everything } about him. Kill him and take his place. } 3) The 'Insider Dealing' Method. } Arrange with your local trans-temporal newsagent to deliver } tomorrows Financial Times today. What you do with it is left } as an excercise for the reader. } 4) The 'Cop Out' Method. } Change your name by deed poll to 'The Richest Man on } Earth'. } 5) The 'Oracle' Method. } Become omniscient and extract a tribute every time you } answer a question. Continue until you are the richest man } on earth. } } You owe the Oracle $37.62. That's all I need. --- 858-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are the X-Files so popular ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Scene: FBI Headquarters } } Agent Fox Moulder is sitting at his desk. In walks Agent Dana Scully. } } Moulder: I'm glad you stopped by. There have been strange things } happening all across the country... } } Scully: What's happening? } } Moulder: Know one's really sure at this time. It seems that at 9:00 } P.M. on Friday nights, people seem to disappear from the } streets. } } Scully: Why are we taking this case? } } Moulder: There's more to it. The people aren't disappearing, they are } all drawn to their homes for no apparent reason. There have } also been many sightings of strange lights from the windows } of these people's homes. When these people return from their } homes, they aren't the same as they used to be. They become } extremely paranoid of all authorities, and seem to lose all } trust in everyone. } } Scully: Do you have a theory for these strange occurences? } } Moulder: It is my belief that these people have been abducted by some } strange alien life form. This alien race is trying to take } over our planet by causing internal conflicts with the common } man and the government, thereby creating a sort of civil war } across the world. The strange lights result from the aliens } own teleportation technology, which emits a small amount of } beta radiation, thereby creating small auras of light to emit } from the peoples homes. } } Scully: Moulder, I think we should check it out before we jump to } such a far-fetched conclusion. There are hundreds of other } possibilities that explain these sightings. } } Scene: October 4th, 1996, 8:50 P.M. A small suburban area Anytown, } USA. } } Moulder: The population seems to be thinning out already. (Moulder } grabs the shoulder of a man who is walking by) Excuse me... } } Man: I don't have time, it's about to begin! I can't miss it! } (He hurridly runs away) } } Moulder: It seems to be worse than I thought. This alien life form } must have changed these peoples anatomy to require some sort } of constant exposure to some sort of drug. That would ensure } that the people would return every 7 days for another dose of } brain-washing. } } Scully: Moulder, that man was obviously late for some sort of } appointment! } } Moulder: Scully, we'll have to check out some of the houses where some } of the sightings of flashing lights occured. } } (Moulder and Scully drive to a nearby house. It is dark, except for } one room, which has an eirie glow coming out of it). } } Moulder: (Knocking) Is there anybody home? } } Voice: I'll be out in a moment, I can't miss this. } } Moulder: They must have already started the drug for him. } } (Moulder arms his pistol and opens the door. Inside he sees a short, } overweight, balding man sitting in front of a television. He is } surrounded by various sorts of consumables: chips, cookies, cheese } dip, and various other foods) } } Moulder: FBI! } } (He grabs the man and shakes him) } } Moulder: What just happened? } } Man: Please mister, I can't miss this! } } Moulder: You've got to tell me what you just saw! } } Man: Let me finish what I was doing, and I'll tell you about the } whole thing! } } Moulder: I've got to know now! } } Man: Ahhh! } } (The man clutches at his chest, and slumps back into his couch) } } Moulder: Scully! Call for help! } } Scene: Anytown Hospital } } Scully: The man died of a heart attack. } } Moulder: The alien race must have left early because of our arrival. } The man obviously didn't get his required amount of the } supplement and died because of the genetic changes made by } the alien race. } } Scully: Moulder, the man had a heart attack. He had a very poor } diet, consisting of a lot of fatty foods. It was his own } fault. He killed himself. } } Moulder: Don't you see Scully! They've used their technology to hide } the truth! } } Scene: Scully's office. She's here alone. } } Scully's toughts as she types: ...and I have concluded that the man } died from a heart attack of unknown cause. The lights and } strange actions of the people are also of unknown cause. } } END OF STORY } } So, you tell me? } } You owe the Oracle one X-Files hat. --- 858-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the chance? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle would say fair to middlin', with a partial chance of } showers. Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what } comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive } persons unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak } glowingly of those greater than yourself, and heed well their advice, } even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss, and when. Consider that } two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, } put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and } disillusionment and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is } always a big future in computer maintenance. Remember the Pueblo. } Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. Know } yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your } daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you, that lemon } on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of } most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love } therefore, it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things } of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan, and let not the sand of time } get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call } 606-4311. Ask for Ken. Take heart under the deepening gloom, that your } dog is finally getting enough cheese, and reflect that whatever } misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee. You } are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here, and whether } you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back. } Therefore, make peace with your God, whatever you conceive him to be: } hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, } and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. } } You owe the Oracle one old national Lampoon album.