From oracle-request Mon Dec 9 08:37:29 1996 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.3/IUCS.1.62) id IAA10142; Mon, 9 Dec 1996 08:37:29 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 9 Dec 1996 08:37:29 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199612091337.IAA10142@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #873 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 873 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #873 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 9 Dec 1996 08:37:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 873 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 868 143 votes bnBLp 9qMGi i*Kb5 7iASs 7nIHq crNAj hwUv7 7FJAe mOMg7 guIps 868 3.1 mean 3.4 3.2 2.5 3.5 3.4 3.2 2.9 3.1 2.6 3.1 --- 873-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dr racl, hd vwl mvmnt nd th ll fll ff. Pls hlp. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wipe again. You left a single "a" in your message. Very sloppy. } } You owe the Oracle a can of air freshener. --- 873-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wonderful, > Why is it that when I hit the Escape key on my computer keybooard, > I *don't* get transported to a world where Scheme is the programming > language of choice, my wrists don't hurt, I can get a date for > Saturday night, and eating chocolate cookie dough ice cream doesn't > make you fat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, "ESC" doesn't stand for "escape." That's just a common } misconception. Here's how it came about. } } The first computer with a keyboard, the Dohrstop 2000 (named for its } inventor, Gerald Dohrstop), took its keyboard from an Olympia manual } typewriter. However, the operating system used on the Dohrstop } ("DOS," the Dohrstop Operating System) required that subtraction } operands be enclosed in brackets, which were not to be found on the } typewriter keyboard. } } However, there was a key just to the right of the "P"...on the } typewriter, it produced the fractions "1/2" or, when shifted, } "1/4." The Dohrstop character set didn't include either of these } fractions--they would have been unreadable at the small font size } necessitated by the tiny amount of video RAM (none, actually). And so } that key became the left bracket or, when shifted, the right bracket. } } It wasn't until two days later that a friend of Gerald Dohrstop's, } Todd Nurter, discovered the fatal flaw in the Dohrstop 2000: there } was no way to move the blinking square that showed the text insertion } point (this item would not be named until a few years later, when } Frank Cursor gave it its familiar name of "insertion point") to the } next line down. This had always been accomplished, on typewriters, by } moving the carriage that held the paper. Clearly this wouldn't work } on computers, which didn't have carriages. Nurter had a brainstorm: } a completely new key, never before seen on any sort of keyboard, } which would accomplish this feat. After a few trials and errors, } Nurter settled on a location for this key: just to the right of } the apostrophe/quotation mark key. Nurter also named this key after } himself, although in the form of an anagram. Nurter thought the Nurter } 740 would revolutionize computing--however, at first, the only people } who were really interested were typewriter manufacturers, who used } Nurter's "Return" key on a brand new kind of typewriter: the electric. } } The major problem with the Return key was that it stuck out awkwardly } on the right side of the keyboard. Clearly, something would have } to be done about it, and the person to do it was Deidre Leit, an } early female computing pioneer, who decided the Return key needed a } companion, a key which would move the insertion point to the left. } As Frank Nurter had done with his key, she named this key after } herself--her last name and first inital, actually. Gerald Dohrstop, } who was working on his Dohrstop 3000, paid her for the rights to use } the D. Leit key. } } Dohrstop purchased a new typewriter, intending to use its keyboard } for the Dohrstop 3000. He added the D. Leit key, but was then } short a key for the row between the Return key and the D. Leit key. } He went back to the brackets from the Dohrstop 3000, but this time, } added a new key to the right of his original bracket key. Now there } was one key for the left bracket, and another for the right bracket. } Meanwhile, however, the typewriter manufacturers had struck back } against the computer threat by adding another key--to the left of } the 1, they had added a key that produced the fraction "3/4" or, } when shifted, the symbol for "degrees." As with "1/2" and "1/4," } neither of these would work correctly with Dohrstop's character set, } so he merely removed that key. } } Three days later, Wayne Macintosh began advertising his new "Macintosh } LC," which meant "Lotsa Characters." The main selling point was } that his keyboard was just like Dohrstop's, with the addition of } some special, curly brackets on the keys above the regular brackets. } These curly brackets were necessary to "brace" certain equations in } Macintosh's operating system. } } (Since this was the second time a computer made by Dohrstop had become } obsolete in just a few days after its introduction, he gave up the } computer business and turned his attention to the hardware industry; } not only is his name synonymous with computer equipment that becomes } obsolete quickly, he also gave his name to a very common piece of } hardware found in many homes around the world.) } } At any rate, this operating system didn't have a name until Macintosh } came out with the LC II, which introduced a new feature added to } the D. Leit key--it not only moved the insertion point to the left, } it erased the character that was in the way. Macintosh changed the } spelling of the key and began advertising his computer by asking } the question "What Interface Now Deletes Out Weird Spellings?" } His operating system became known by the initials of this question } that was on every American's lips for a time. } } But getting back to your original question...the original Macintosh } LC had the space at the upper left of the keyboard filled with what } looked like another key--but wasn't--that read "ESC," an acronym for } "Extended Set of Characters." It became common among Macintosh users } to, whenever a program quit working (since the first program with a } propensity to do this was a flight simulator, this became known as } a "crash"), to jab at the "ESC" and complain that, if it weren't for } the extended set of characters, the program would still be working. } } It took Frank Cursor, after returning to his hometown of Pittsfield, } Massachusetts, to finally make the "ESC" what it is today--on } his Pittsfield Cursor computer (or "PC"), in a subtle jab at the } Macintosh computer, he made the "ESC" an actual key that would let } users get out of a program whenever they wanted, before it crashed. } ("Which of course it won't," he assured PC buyers.) } } It wasn't long before the PC was outselling the Macintosh, a lead } it would never relinquish, despite gimmicks by Wayne Macintosh such } as prominently labeling one model the "Macintosh IIsi" (Immoral, } Indecent Stuff Inside) and including a live animal for the kids to play } with in each computer box (sometimes a gerbil, sometimes a hamster, } usually a mouse). Finally, in desperation, Macintosh made the "ESC" } on his keyboards into a real key, just as Cursor had done--but added } an "option" key, and required option and ESC to be used together } to quit a program, since the user would get a message giving him } or her the option of quitting the program or not at that point, } something he thought would give him an advantage over Cursor's PC. } It didn't, of course, and Macintosh sold the rights to his computers } to the Beatles' record company. } } The PC had turned many ordinary citizens into computer users, who } didn't remember the original Macintosh meaning of the "ESC," so they } just assumed it stood for "escape," since they could use it to escape } from whatever program was in progress. } } Now, aren't you glad you didn't ask about the "F" keys? (Oh, all } right. In brief, there was an early music program for the PC that } had a "jukebox" mode requiring the purchase of a keyboard add-on. } F1 played "Your Cheatin' Heart," F2 played "Good Vibrations," and } so on.) } } You owe the Oracle a keyboard with a Zot key. --- 873-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a man boards a jet-black train at 4:30 am heading northward > down I-75with it's hovertrain components set on full force, traveling > 85 miles an hour 4 inches above the pavement, while another fat guy > boards a pink train painted with smiley faces heading east in a subway > tunnel with the radio turned to 92.8 FM with the volume 4 notches below > full blast and the fat guy farts, what is the meaning of the word > "foobartoochiehowscowblooptie" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What was that? Sorry, I was just noticing that if you take the first } letters of the words in your question, it spells out } } "I am bajbtaftahndisfwihcsofftefmahfiatpwafgbaptpwsf- } heiastwtrttntpefmwtvfnbfbatfgfwitmotwf" } } With a name like that, you're clearly Welsh, and being Welsh, you } surely know that "foobartoochiehowscowblooptie" is Welsh for "hi". } } You owe the Oracle some chyfforddus esgidiau, like your cyfnither has. --- 873-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, I bow before you and beseech you to answer > my query! > > I just heard today that they've discovered a small pond size area > of ice at the bottom of a large crater on the dark side of the moon > (really, no kidding). The assumption is that this ice (being at the > bottom of a very deep crater) is probably the remnants of a comet > that hit the moon. > > My questions, then - couldn't this water possibly be carrying some > sort of life form or element unbeknownst to us? Also, considering that > the predominant theory behind the 65 million year extinction cycle > of the Earth (most prominently, the dinosaur extinction) is based on > a comet or large meteor hitting the Earth, is it possible that this > particular comet was heading for us but smacked into the moon instead? > For the most part, fossil records show massive extinctions (and large > amounts of irridium, which is pretty common in space but not on Earth) > every 65 million years - but was that cycle ever skipped at some point? > Could this be the one that missed, basically? > > Lot's of questions, Oh Great One, but I know you can handle it. Help? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh. Um. THAT. Err... } } Look here, chum, before you go off the handle over this, keep in mind } that this information was brought to you by the same people who brought } you the Myopic Hubble Space Telescope, the Space Shuttle with Hatches } that Frequently Go on the Fritz, the Mars Rock with Evidence of Real } Life on it (Questions people don't seem to be asking include: how } did they know this rock came from Mars in the first place? For all } they know, *I* might have planted it to get a rise out of the bozos } at NASA--not that I'd ever do such a thing, I'm far too busy being } amused by supplicant questions to pull such a juvenile prank, right?) } } My suggestion to you is to remain calm and turn your mind to other } questions, at least until humanity has colonized the moon and can } get a really up-close and personal look at the ice in question. } } You owe the Oracle a gold-plated toilet seat. } } : send } Sending... } } Man, that one was just too close for comfort... LISA!!! } } "Orrie, I've been waiting half an hour... the Cool Whip's } defrosting..." } } Lisa, did you leave the freezer open AGAIN? } } "Um... hang on... oh man, no wonder..." } } Jeez! I may be an omnipotent oracle, but I don't get paid enough } to use my freezer as an air conditioner for the known universe! } Close the door! } } "Orrieeeeee..." } } WHAT?! } } "All this Cool Whip's just going to waste..." } } Yow. Um, okeydokey. } } } } Hey, waitaminnit, I thought I sent this! Why are you still here? --- 873-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me the answer to this question: > Why don't they make the whole plane out of the same material > they make that black box out of? > Dancing, > Ryan And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it is an extremely scarce material. Besides, most of it goes } into making holiday fruitcake. } } You owe the Oracle some rube on whom I can pawn off this mockery of a } dessert. --- 873-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most fantastic, > Who wrote the wonderful answer I just received (it concerned keyboards > and operating systems)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who indeed? I have so many Incarnations these days, even I find it } hard to keep track sometimes. Let me look it up for you. } } % index keyboard operating system } FILE: Answer #Qa07069, LINE(S) CONTAINING INDEX WORD(S): } 4:keyboard with its own operating system. } FILE: Answer #Qa09078, LINE(S) CONTAINING INDEX WORD(S): } 11:complaining of a terrible ache, and we found a *whole keyboard* up } 49:into the operating theater, where they powered up the system for } } Hmmm... that first one looks more like what you're asking about. Let's } check the logs and see what it says. } } % cat Answer #Qa07069 } Well, supplicant, since you're so lazy, I'll write that mystery story } for you. With me on the job, you're sure to get an 'A'! } } An R.H.O.D. Mystery } by the Writer formerly known as T. U. Oracle } } It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly a shot rang out. Ian Davis } screamed, "Not another cascade!!" Pirate ships, commanded by Admiral } Jota, appeared on the horizon. Steve Ford wrestled with a pig on a } keyboard with its own operating system. } } Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tom "Tom" Harrington was worried. "I } think some of my internal organs are shifting", Tom said } downheartedly. One of the Arizona-dwelling David Sewells slyly } changed his address. The inspector suspected Kinzler's brain. "That } thing has a mind of its own, you know", he said. } } Elsewhere, Ariel Scolnicov furtively lurked under a tree, waiting for } Zadoc and Lisa to come out of the restaurant together. Could this be } the scandal that brings down the Oracle? "I think that surgeon } forgot to put something back in", Tom said disheartenedly. Jaffo } fulfilled his mailbox fetish by putting a wig on the red flag. } } Suddenly, BOBW came up with something completely different. "And now } for something completely different", said BOBW. Zadoc (no, the other } Zadoc) hopped on one foot while pointing a finger of scorn at the } priests. "Betcha can't do this while soused!" he teased. "I think } that surgeon compressed my lungs while he was in there, too", Tom } said with short breath. } } Richard Wilson was upset. "I've misplaced my Latin dictinary!" he } cried. "No, wait, I found it," he said, while rummaging through } Eli's beard. The mysterious Oracle web page email redirector struck } again, resulting in Lisa receiving the Oracle's answer to the } adulterous man. "But what relation does this all have to a database?" } Tom cried managerially. } } But alas! 'Twas the butler did it. } } You owe the Oracle 50% of any royalties you get on this story. } } Oops! Something tells me that that's not the answer you were looking } for. Heck, supplicant, I have no idea who wrote your answer. What I } want to know is who wrote this stupid database software! } } You owe the Oracle an upgrade to version 7.3. --- 873-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondrous Oracle, I have a question. > > And what one nation in the earth is like thy people, even like Israel, > whom God went to redeem for a people to himself, and to make him a > name, and to do for you great things and terrible, for thy land, before > thy people, which thou redeemedst to thee from Egypt, from the nations > and their gods? [2 Samuel 7:23] > > No, that's not my question. My question is: How come people could get > away with run-on sentences like that in Biblical times? I mean, > Hemingway would have run screaming from the room halfway through the > second line. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the beginning was the Word, and the word was without punctuation, } and prose was without form and void, and commas were plentiful; and the } comma begat the semicolon; and the semicolon begat the run-on sentence. } And lo, it came to pass in the land at that time that many marks of } punctuation fell into scarcity; it was seen to be easier for a wise man } to pass through the eye of a needle than for a camel to use a period to } end a sentence; the exclamation mark was as yet not invented; yea, } verily, it was just after the end of the month of March when I came } unto Peter and said unto him, where are the quotation marks upon my } sentences? And he sayeth unto me, Alas, for they have not been } invented, and likewise for the Copyright and Trademark symbols (not to } mention parentheses) which I would find useful should I set down this } Gospel for posterity, which likewise has not been invented, but which } will someday wish to write Regular Expressions containing a divers } variety of punctuation marks as yet undreamed of, including backslashes } and carets and asterisks. And there was much rejoicing, as he had } completed a sentence, and the Lord saw it was good. } } You owe the Oracle a very large needle and a very small camel. --- 873-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, I'm intelligent, attractive, and I have a good sense of humor. > So how come I don't get any sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Golly, Newt, this one has us stumped. What are the odds? Maybe if you } tried again with Bob... stop bugging Candice though, our records show } thats the quintessential lost cause. } You owe the Oracle anything inflatable. } Yech! We meant unused! --- 873-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You know, I really don't give a flying crap about Madonna nor her > baby nor the fact that it will be allowed to watch TV nor access the > Internet 'cause then it might be exposed to Bad Influences; unlike > it's MOTHER Madonna who is obviously what is All Good 'n' Holy 'n' > Such what with the Breasts and blowing bottles and damn vi is messing > with my head and hell, we don't need another Brain to Feed. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige. --- 873-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ()racle, I have a question, > > What was god THINKING when he wrote Deuteronomy 23:1? > > If you don't have a bible handy, it says (from memory) > "He who has been wounded in the stones, or hath his privvy member cut > off, shall never enter the kingdom of heaven unto the tenth > generation." > > And why don't the Jehovah's witnesses do this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To quote, "He that is wounded in the stones or hath his privy member } cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord." } (Deuteronomy 23:1-2) } } With all deference to Biblical scholars greater than I, I would } believe that that statement is a warning to all those who would } consider voluntarily becoming a eunuch--a well-paying job in that } era--that they would not be allowed to ascend. This is a common theme } in many religions. For instance, Chinese eunuchs always carried a } small bag with their shriveled prepubescent penis in it so that it } could be buried with them, or (horrors!) they would come back as a } woman. } } Remember, the majority of the Bible was written by the Hebrew priests } trying to maximize the flock--therefore, any injury to the genitals } was intolerable. Also note Onan's punishment for failing to } impregnate his sister-in-law (although one may argue that his motives } were not entirely pure in failing to do so). } } The books are full of strange little bits like that. Try taking off } your shirt and looking at the tab. If it doesn't say 100% cotton, you } should be stoned to death! Exodus justifies slavery, and even allows } the capricious torture of slaves (that is a favorite example, Exodus } 21:5-6). } } Comparing it to the rest of the verses, that one doesn't seem at all } strange. } } (REMEMBER KIDS: If you should urinate on a wall, God *will* chop off } your penis.)