From oracle-request Mon Feb 3 17:36:46 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.4/IUCS.1.75) id RAA15085; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 17:36:46 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 17:36:46 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199702032236.RAA15085@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #883 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 883 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #883 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 17:36:46 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 883 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 878 115 votes bABjc aoFrd arBoh eHCi2 66yBw lBtk8 9pxzd avGkc cuwub dBGe9 878 3.0 mean 2.9 3.1 3.1 2.6 3.7 2.6 3.2 2.9 3.0 2.7 --- 883-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who is a wizard at all forms of communication, I > know the OSI protocol stack contains the following layers, but I'm not > so clear about the difference between them. Could you explain them in > layman's terms, please? > > Layer 1 - Physical > Layer 2 - Data Link > Layer 3 - Network > Layer 4 - Transport > Layer 5 - Session > Layer 6 - Presentation > Layer 7 - Application > Layer 8 - Financial > Layer 9 - Political And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure! } } Layer 1 - Physical - Grabs tits. } } Layer 2 - Data Link - Downloads! er.. um.. data! } } Layer 3 - Network - Cuddles afterwards. } } Layer 4 - Transport - Drives her home. } } Layer 5 - Session - Gets nagged for not cuddling longer } } Layer 6 - Presentation - Tries in vain to defend oneself } } Layer 7 - Application - Begs for another chance } } Layer 8 - Financial - Has to blow another hundred bucks on the next } date } } Layer 9 - Political - You just can't win! } } Hope this helps! --- 883-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most suprajefronized, how come I have to study stuff written by > dead people? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Those who do not understand history are doomed to repeat it. And, } considering they're dead, they obviously did SOMETHING wrong. } } You owe the Oracle the location of the fountain of youth. --- 883-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm...Oh, I know, this is like Jeopardy, you've given me the } answer and I should give you the question? Ok, how's this... } } 1.> What is the sound of one hand clapping? } } 2.> List the constructive achievements of the U.S. } Congress in 1996? } } 3.> Give the names of every person who looks up to Bill Gates } as a moralistic idol. } } 4.> What are the nutritional values of a Twinkee? } } 5.> What is a man thining about when women ask "What are you } thinking about?" } } 6.> Who was that on the phone? } } 7.> What are some of the advantages of Windows 95 over UNIX? } } 8.> List the items of clothing that the oracle likes to see } most on Lisa. } } There are probably more, but I don't want to take all of your } fun away. I'm sure I hit the one you were looking for. } } You owe the oracle . --- 883-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise, wondrous and woolen Oracle of our tell me please what is the > email equivalent of heavy breathing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: AAACCKKK!!! Wool!!! Zadoc, bring me my inhaler. Pronto!! } } Zadoc: Yes Master. Here you are. } } Oracle: } } 15 seconds later.... } } Oracle: Whew! That's better. } } You owe the Oracle the more hypo-allergenic Golden Fleece. --- 883-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle of Usenet, who knows all news that's fit to post.. > > So I'm sitting on the bench in the student lounge when this brunette > goddess dressed in all black clip-clops across the dull grey linoleum > floor before me, causing me to look up from my book, at which point she > makes eye contact with me, and smiles, mouthing "hi" to me! I was > stunned, cause babes like that never look at computer geeks like me > (sigh) > > What happened? Should I have gone up to her or something? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all, of course, depends on the goddess. } } From _Goddess Spotting_ by T.U. Oracle. (Indiana U. Press, 1994) } } Aphrodite: Ask her for some tips. } } Bast: Feed her cream from silver bowls. } } Diana: Stay away. Stay far away. Unless you yourself happen to be } female. } } Eris: Say, "23 skidoo. Rubba-dubba-dub. Yo, Fairest!" Don't worry. } She'll understand. } } Freya: Tell her just how much you adore everything Swedish. Except the } Swedish Chef. Tell her all about the last Ingmar Bergman film } that you seen. If you haven't seen one, make one up. } } Hariti: Stay far away from Hannibal Lecter jokes. Or dead baby jokes. } } Juno: Don't mention how much Rome has fallen. } } Ningal: Don't mention Trent Reznor. She won't go for it. Thank her } for how much her son has brightened your day. } } Tetzcatlipoca: Say, "Hey! Isn't that your son over there?" When she } looks the other way,run. If that doesn't work, and if } she promises the 'best seat in the house' for the } sun-worship ceremony, worry. Worry a lot. } } Urania: Ask, "What's up?" } } And finally -- } } Lisa: Say 'hello' and treat her with the utmost respect. Especially if } she's carrying the Wand of Zot. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of _Bullfinch's Mythology_. Oh, yes... and a } new myth about the Mayan bat-god of the caves. He appears in a lot of } creation myths. --- 883-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and ominous oracle, I have but one question that lingers in my > mind. How do seedless grapes reproduce? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Artificial fermentation. } } You owe the Oracle a turkey baster, a dirty movie and a plastic cup. --- 883-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ohhh thou wise old man, tell me why is mondays so long? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mondays are not always this long, only in February. You see, a long, } long, interminably long time ago, We Immortals allowed man to choose } how he would like to arrange his year. You would also have expected him } to chop the total time of one revolution around the sun into a number } of even bits, wouldn't you? But no way, not him! } } After brooding over the question for centuries, man came back with this } funny arrangement where only every second month is the same, and to } confuse things, February has this funny pattern that even I cannot } always remember - which is why calendars had to be invented, because } not even man could remember the annual fluctuations of time. } } Needless to say, this left Us with the problem of how to even things } out despite this silliness (We have to do this a lot where man is } concerned). So you have inadvertently stumbled onto our solution. All } the months are exactly the same lenghth and to make it fit the calendar } We just stretch out Mondays. Because February is such a short month, We } have to stretch Mondays a little more, which is why you noticed it. } } Happy Mondays! } } You owe the Oracle a Rolex. --- 883-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hiya Oracle..how's it going most awesome dude? > > I have a zinger of a question for you.. > > I have heard so many people talking about "cool beans" so > I decided to, you know, go to the grocery store and check > them out for myself. > > Well, I checked all the shelves and could not find one can > of "cool beans". Can you help me, like, find some?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They aren't in cans. They're in the freezer section. } } You owe the Oracle some cold cuts. --- 883-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you have a written Policy Manual? Where can I get a copy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are a number of helpful publications, all available at no charge } from the Department of Usenet Denizens. Titles include: } } "When a dustbuster just won't do: How to clean up a *ZOT* victim." } } "CyberSex in the 90s: How To Avoid Looking Really, Really Silly." } } "Spam: Capitalism or the Spawn of Satan?" } } "'Hoi, Zadoc!': The Oracle's guide to corporate politics." } } "Your Lucky Numbers: Win the lottery TODAY!" } } "The Oracle's Do It Yourself Guide to Gene-splicing." } } "Life with Orrie: the authorized biography." } } and of course, } "The Oracle's Favorite Woodchuck Recipes." } } But no, there isn't exactly a "Policy Manual." Any policies are pretty } much on a whim. } } You owe the Oracle a new inside joke. Really. --- 883-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The wisest, most intelligent oracle sir, could you please tell me what > I can do with year old tuna. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 101 Uses for Year-Old Tuna } by The Internet Oracle } } 1. Kindergarten art projects. } 2. Extract the mercury, make a tiny thermometer. } 3. A newsgroup: alt.year-old-tuna } 4. Your cats will love it! } 5. Go-cart wheels. } 6. Makes a good core to wind old bits of string around. } 7. Glue a can onto the ceiling of the Astrodome. } 8. Stack up 87 cases, call it art, make Christo jealous. } 9. Feed it to Windows 95 programmers. They'll never notice. } 10. Beads on a giant abacus. } 11. Fish oil is flammable. Make candles. Your cats will love it! } 12. Rent a helicopter and drop year-old tuna on your enemies. } 13. Skeet shooting. } 14. Sneak it back onto your grocer's shelves. } 15. It's fun to watch cans roll down steep hills. } 16. Leave one can every day in the library book drop. } 17. Spray paint the cans with fun colors and play shuffleboard. } 18. See whether Dr. Kevorkian can use them. } 19. Melt them to get the metal. This will make an odor. (Get it?) } 20. Aw, c'mon. That's a three-way pun. Give it another chance. } 21. Use them in a commando raid upon your neighbors' houses. } 22. Visit Mount Rushmore and hide the cans in Teddy's nose. } 23. Keep the tuna for fifty years, then call it an antique. } 24. Makes a great hockey puck. } 25. Paint a can blue, leave it on your coffee table. } 26. Leave the cans in your toilet tank to conserve water. } 27. Get Newt to accept year-old tuna as a donation. } 28. Rub year-old tuna upon your torso. Your cats will love it! } 29. Keep a can in your trunk for emergencies. } 30. Mail it to your friends in Iceland. } 31. Give a can to your ex. Laugh maniacally and take it back. } 32. Drop it in the bay, then place a lost and found ad. } 33. Make bar bets that you can fit a whole can in your mouth. } 34. Pass electricity through it until it glows. } 35. Leave a can in a new car during a test drive. } 36. Use cans as percussion instruments in your band, "Outer Tuna". } 37. 'Year-old tuna' anagrams to 'Yoda Renault'. } 38. Paint a symbol on a can and sell it as a new-age power-token. } 39. Make year-old tuna sandwiches. } 40. Build a radio inside the can. Call it the "Tuna-tin 2". } 41. Makes a fun hat. Your cats will love it! } 42. Good for making dolphins upset. ("So long!") } 43. Good for making dolphin-lovers upset. } 44. Make the Secret Service nervous. Give it to Socks Clinton. } 45. Take a can to church, ask that it be blessed. } 46. Make two cans into "tuna goggles". } 47. With enough postage, you can mail a can without a box. } 48. Hide three cans under your car seat, confess it at Customs. } 49. Calculate how many cans could fill Lake Erie. } 50. Return a can to the video store. } 51. Give year-old tuna to your sweetheart on Valentine's Day. } 52. Use an empty can as a rain gauge. } 53. Ballast. } 54. Meditate upon the bar code. } 55. Polish the lid until you can see yourself in it. } 56. Microwave it until it explodes. } 57. Build a tiny city inside the can. Intimidate the inhabitants. } 58. Use fish oil in your metronome. Your cats will love it! } 59. Leave a can to your nephew in your will. } 60. Paint the cans bright orange. Claim they were left by aliens. } 61. String them into a necklace. } 62. Cast its star chart, find out whether it's a Pisces. } 63. Rub it on your car. Your cats will love it! } 64. Ask a taxidermist to mount it. } 65. Hide cans instead of eggs for Easter. } 66. 6-1/8 ounce shot put. } 67. Wait a while, get it into the Guinness Book of World Records. } 68. Paint the cans red and black. Use them as checkers. } 69. Invent a time machine, and send the tuna to the dinosaurs. } 70. File the cans under F for fish. } 71. Decode the numbers stamped into the can. (Hint: 3=R.) } 72. Recycle each can into five bracelets. } 73. Make year-old tuna melt. It's not a bad as it sounds. } 74. C'mon. Don't knock it if you haven't tried it. } 75. Through a small hole, clean the can and build a watch inside. } 76. Use it in the laundry. Your cats will love it! } 77. Paint the cans yellow, call them "Solar Tuna". } 78. Give a can to your date. Ask for a kiss in return. } 79. Drop it from the third-floor, shouting "It's raining tuna!" } 80. Name the cans "George," "Jerry," "Elaine," and "Kramer." } 81. If you have a fifth can, call it "Newman." } 82. Make a year-old tuna screen saver. } 83. Use the cans for bodybuilding. Pump tuna. } 84. Pray to Charlie Tuna. Sacrifice your tuna to him. } 85. Use the labels as a mod headband. } 86. Carry a can wherever you go. Don't explain, don't apologize. } 87. Hammer the cans flat, re-roof your home. } 88. Give it out on Halloween. Call it "Tuna from the Crypt." } 89. Decorate the cans with glitter, make Martha Stuart jealous. } 90. Use the cans to plumb Crater Lake. } 91. Ask your favorite sushi chef to make it into dinner. } 92. Put it in a pyramid, wait 4000 years, see if it's fresh. } 93. Rub it on your furnace filters. Your cats will love it! } 94. Leave a can at your photo shop for developing. } 95. Put a parachute onto each can. Drop them over Bermuda. } 96. Shake a can to hear a fun squishy sound. } 97. Put a can in your piano. Call it your "piano tuna." } 98. Send year-old tuna to Internet spammers. } 99. Start the new craze: year-old tuna-flavored espresso. } 100. Invent a tuna-disk drive and make a fortune. } 101. Make a replica of the "Venus de Milo." Your cats will love it! } } You owe the Oracle a year's supply of sushi.