From oracle-request Sat Feb 15 14:45:17 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.4/IUCS.1.75) id OAA24187; Sat, 15 Feb 1997 14:45:17 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 15 Feb 1997 14:45:17 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199702151945.OAA24187@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #886 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 886 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #886 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 15 Feb 1997 14:45:17 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 886 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 881 133 votes pEquc bwzzk 8hPCj 4kOCl 9nyGp 9qWv9 5kFPg adEDv 5mEHn 3rKFg 881 3.3 mean 2.7 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.4 3.0 3.4 3.5 3.4 3.3 --- 886-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most greatly groovnicious and opalescent Oracle, tell me, your lowly > dust bunny: > > The other day I showed someone something cool and she said, "Wow, > that's the bee's knees." > > Bee's knees? > > What is THAT about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uncultured supplicant, have you never seen The Amazing Richard's } Apoidean chorus line? } } The music! The lights! Those striped dresses! What goes under those } striped dresses! } } And you should see that thing they do with their stingers...oh } man...er... } } } } You owe the Oracle a new microscope, a change of underwear, and a } plausible excuse. --- 886-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose storytelling skills outrank even those of the > Great Story Master Qwerty of the Plains: > > Why is it that my best story ideas come at inconvenient times (i.e. in > the middle of classes, in the middle of tests, at 2am when I'm trying > to sleep, etc.)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's my law in action again. } } [Suddenly the door to the hallowed chamber of knowledge opens. The } Oracle steps through.] } } Oracle> Hey! What are you doing at my terminal? WHO ARE YOU? } } Other Guy> I'm Murphy. } } Oracle> YOU SEE THE SIGN ON THAT CHAIR? It says THE INTERNET ORACLE, } and NOT "MURPHY". } } Murphy> Actually, it says Usenet Oracle. } } Oracle> Yeah, well, I haven't had that changed yet, but it STILL } doesn't say "MURPHY." } } Murphy> Well, let me explain.... } } Oracle> Let ME explain! The penalty for sitting on the INTERNET } ORACLE... } } Murphy> Usenet Oracle } } Oracle> WHATEVER! The penalty for sitting on MY chair is ... } } [Zadoc, having somehow quietly entered the room, tugs on the Oracle's } shirt.] } } Oracle> NOW what? } } Zadoc> Oh magnifi-omniscient one, you can't zot him. } } Oracle> And just why not? } } Zadoc> Because chapter XLIV, paragraph XII of volume CMVII of the } rules of being an oracle plainly states that you cannot zot people } with laws named after them. At least not the important laws. } } Oracle> WHAT? } } Zadoc> Almighty Oracle, whose shoes I'm unworthy to... } } Oracle> Just get to the point already. I still want to zot this guy. } } Zadoc> Well, sir, it's right here. } } [Zadoc opens volume CMVII of being an oracle and points to the } paragraph in question.] } } Oracle> Well, it seems you're right. First for everything, I guess. } } [The Oracle turns back to Murphy who is grinning widely.] } } Oracle> You're not off the hook yet, Murphy. You are going to train } these woodchucks to chuck wood, just so I can finally get an answer } to that infernal question. } } [Murphy's grin falls to a look of horror as he disappears. The } Internet Oracle sits in his chair, makes a mental note to fix the } name on it, and looks at the supplicant's question as it currently } appears.] } } Oracle> Best stories... inconvenient times, eh? } } [The Oracle cracks his knuckles as he prepares his wise answer....] } } Oracle> "Murphy's Law." } } You owe the Oracle a chair with "The Internet Oracle" across the } back. --- 886-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh far sighted Oracle, who taught Nostradomus everything he knew; > > Is it true that the unfortunate "Macarena" dance craze sweeping the > world is one of the signs of the coming of the Apocalypse? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh sure, go ahead. Humilliate me. Tell everybody that Nostradomus } was my high priest before Zadoc! One too many ZOTs and the guy goes } off the deep end. } } As for the Macarena signalling the Apocalypse, don't get your hopes } up. The whole thing was a mistake. A 38-year-old woman from Miami } was at a San Francisco disco one chilly evening. She was pleading } with the manager to turn up the heat. } } WOMAN: [holding out first one arm and then the other] Look at these } goose bumps! It's too cold! } } MANAGER: [arms crossed] No way. } } WOMAN: [placing hands on shoulders] But I'm FREEZING!!! } } MANAGER: Next time wear long sleeves. } } WOMAN: [placing hands on ears] The music's too loud too. This place } STINKS! } } MANAGER: So pay your bar tab and get out of here. } } WOMAN: [checking her back pockets] Oops, I must have left my wallet in } the car. } } The other disco patrons, being, after all, disco patrons, mistook the } woman's movements for a dance. } } You owe the Oracle a 4000 volt electric slide. --- 886-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the differences between ferrari and lamborghini? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ferrari are short, squiggly, and hollow. They are traditionally served } with steamed mussels and/or a light tomato-based sauce such as } puttanesca. Lamborghini are long and flat, and require a longer cooking } time. They are best served with Alfredo sauce, or with a variety of } hard grated and semisoft cheeses. } } You owe the Oracle information on which wine goes best with a Porsche. --- 886-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When is the 1.3 patch for MOO2 gonna be released? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As soon as the cows come home. } } You owe the Oracle some. --- 886-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the most awsome car ever built? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are really only two contenders for this honor: the Lotus driven } by James Bond, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Let's just compare the } two: } } Lotus Chitty } } Flies through the air like a Flies through the air like a } rocket hot air balloon } } Submersible Floats } } Assorted offensive armament Unarmed } } Attracts the attention of Attracts the attention of } beautiful women weird old men } } Keeps getting blown up and A survivor } rebuilt } } 450 horsepower 8 litres } } Created by kooky inventor Created by unemployed kooky } employed by government inventor } } Weaseley little electric horn Big honker with a bulb you squeeze } } The last item is the one that decides it for me. Chitty Chitty Bang } Bang is the winner. } } You owe the Oracle the complete works of Ian Fleming. --- 886-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it, that some people just sends rubbish answers to the oracle? > We are all here to have fun, aren we? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The scene - the secret headquarters of American Oracles Live. The most } devious and evil minds in the history of mankind are plotting yet more } chaos and bad stuff] } } Devious and Evil Mind 1: So, what plans do you have to devastate the } Internet Community? } Devious and Evil Mind 2: Take a look at this... } } [The two evil masterminds stroll into a large room full of Intel Inside } PC's with Windows 95 keyboards. At each sits an AOL user.] } } D&EM2: We've been training up these AOL users to intercept questions to } the Usenet Oracle. } D&EM1: Egads, that's evil. } D&EM2: Why, thankyou. Just look at this... } } [They interrupt one of the AOL users.] } } D&EM2: Tell me, what's your name? } AOL user: 1 AM 3R1K, D00DZ. } D&EM1: Amazing! He even *sounds* like one. } D&EM2: And what question have you received from the Oracle, 3R1K? } AOL user: 'Almighty Oracle, who knows the answers to all the mysteries } of the universe, even why they let Ringo sing, whatever } happened to the fifth Beatle?' } D&EM1: And what answer are you going to give? } AOL user: Y0U SUX!! B3ATL3Z SUXX!1 N1RVANA R00LZ! } D&EM1: It's amazing... } D&EM2: And that's not all. We're training them to ask questions as } well. 3R1K, ask the nice gentleman a question... } AOL user: H0W MUCH W00D W0U1D A W00DCHUK CHUK 1F A W00DCHUK W0U1D } CHUK W000D? } D&EM1: You know, I think we might be being just a little too deviant } and evil for our own good here. } D&EM2: Don't worry, we can stop it any time we want... } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Devious and Evil Mind 1) an } explanation of exactly *how* we can stop it. --- 886-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise and Omniscent Oracle, > What is the future of MSNBC on cable and on the internet > (www.msnbc.com)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle runs his finger along a shelf filled with different sized } crystal balls. After a few seconds his hand comes to a rest on a } crystal ball marked "Microsoft." He picks it up and carefully places it } on the desk in front of him. } } The Oracle waves his hands over the ball, which begins to emanate a } mysterious red, green, blue, and yellow glow. After a few seconds a } message comes into focus. Before we can read it, the Oracle hunches } over the crystal ball, obscuring it completely. We can hear him tapping } his fingers on the surface of the ball, as if using a virtual keyboard. } As he taps his fingers, we can hear him whispering each letter to } himself subconsciously: "O... R... A... C... L... E...." The Oracle } pauses and mutters something about a password. A few more seconds go } by. Suddenly his eyes light up and he begins tapping again. "L... I... } S... A." } } The Oracle sits back, allowing us to see the crystal ball again. We see } the familiar "MSNBC" logo emblazoned on its surface. The Oracle squints } at the crystal ball, waves his hands over it in a futuristic way, and } gives us a wink. } } The ball remains cloudly. } } The Oracle waves his hands over the ball again, this time a little more } quickly. Still the ball remains cloudy. } } The Oracle waves his hands over the ball yet again, but this time } without the fine motor control he exhibited the previous two times. } } Slowly a message appears out of the mist: } } "This crystal ball is no longer responding. You can continue to wait } for it to respond, or wave your left hand over it to cancel it. If you } cancel it, you will lose all unsaved visions." } } The Oracle gives the crystal ball a swift backhand, causing it to fly } across the room and smash against the wall. } } You owe the Oracle a Magic 8-Ball with an RJ-45 jack and an Ethernet } cable. --- 886-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you familiar with Double Dactyl poetry? Can you write me some? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Higgledy piggledy, } Mister Anonymous, } What do you think this is, } Some sort of test? } } Everyone knows that the } Antepenultimate } Line of a dactyl is } Really the best. } } } Rickety tickety, } Oracle's Supplicant, } I have now sent you a } Perfect reply. } } Hexasyllabity } Doesn't come cheaply, and } Therefore you owe me a } Blueberry pie. --- 886-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ho oracle I need a favor from you. Do you happen to have NASA's E mail > address lying around anywhere. Could you please look in your pile of > trash and give it to me. > > Thanks And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see what I've got in this trash pile....'bout time i cleaned } it up anyway. } hmmmm..... } - a letter asking if I'd accept the nomination for President of the UOA } (United Oracles Alliance)...mental note - no } - a picture of me and Amelia Earhart taken during the week we spent in } Atlantis....mental note - burn this before Lisa finds it } - the scripts to all three Star Wars prequels...mental note - don't go } see them } - a map showing the location of all the left socks that have been } stolen out of dryers across the globe...mental note - go find my } other Garfield sock } - Richard Nixon's diaries from his years as President...mental note - } reread that part about his mental paranoia } - the CIA memo ordering the assasination of John F. Kennedy...mental } note - give to Oliver Stone } - the Windows 95 manual....mental note - buy a Mac } - an invitation to guest host Saturday Night Live...mental note - only } accept if they promise a time machine to take me back to the days } when the show was funny } - Nasa's email address: SpacedOut@aol.com....mental note - probably } incorrect, look at website http://www.nasa.gov to get real ones. } } You owe the Oracle a trash } compactor.