From oracle-request Wed Apr 16 10:08:49 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.75) id KAA07765; Wed, 16 Apr 1997 10:08:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 10:08:49 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199704161508.KAA07765@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #899 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 899 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #899 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 10:08:49 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 899 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 894 105 votes 8hyrj 57uGl 16zHk 5vzoa eqvmc 88kmL 4pCqc eDvf6 8oFma espqc 894 3.2 mean 3.3 3.6 3.7 3.0 2.9 3.9 3.2 2.6 3.0 2.9 --- 899-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, mega-wise and situationally aware, please answer me this. > > Whither thou goest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ... and three and four and *Stretch*. I really worked up a } sweat on that! I guess I'd better go take a shower, since it's almost } time for Lisa to get back. } } [Zadoc shuffles in on his knees] } } Zadoc: Master, a thousand pardons for intruding during your most } deserved and most becoming exercise. } } Oracle: Yes Zadoc, what is it? } } Zadoc: Your greatness, a supplicant has a question and humbly needs an } answer that only one so royal, so brilliant, so .. } } Oracle: Enough! Enough already! Get to the point. What's the question? } } Zadoc: Oh, most lofty one, who's shoes I am not worthy to lick, the } supplicant asks, "Whither thou goest?". } } Oracle: I was just going to take a shower. } } Zadoc: Very good, most esteemed and adored master. Shall I reply that } the great Internet Oracle is going to take a shower? } } Oracle: Works for me. } } [Zadoc begins shuffling out.] } } Oracle: Oh, Zadoc! } } [Zadoc performs a swift shuffling turn. He then bows.] } } Zadoc: You called me, oh great keeper of all great knowledge and } wisdom? } } Oracle: Also tell the supplicant that he owes me a year's worth of } visits from a masseuse. } } Zadoc: I will do this at once, my supreme ruler and most incredible and } gracious one. } } [Zadoc again shuffles out] --- 899-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help me, oh great Oracle: > should I go out with this (kinda nice) girl Christine? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Very well. Let us examine the possibilities: } } 24% chance -- She won't be interested. } 24% chance -- She will be interested. You'll date for a few months, } then break up relatively peacefully. } 17% chance -- She's taken and hasn't told you about it. } 10% chance -- Lesbian. } 6% chance -- She will be interested. You'll date for a few months, } lose interest, and she will stalk you for a year. } 4% chance -- She has a boyfriend who already hates you. If you go near } her, you will lick asphalt. } 4% chance -- She has seventeen net.boyfriends (and three } net.girlfriends). She'll go out with you, but she has to be back } by 11 to meet them all on IRC. } 3% chance -- Date. Love. Engaged. Married. Kids. Midlife crisis. } Affair. Lawsuit. Tabloid fiasco. Kids on Oprah. } 2% chance -- Date. Lust. Grope. Sex. Kids. Shotgun marriage. } Working at McD's for the rest of your natural life. } 2% chance -- Date. Lust. Grope. Lawsuit. } 1% chance -- Date. Broccoli in teeth. No more dates. } 1% chance -- Date. Spilled coffee. Lawsuit. } 0.6% chance -- Date. Alien abduction. Sex. Dissection. } 0.5% chance -- Date. Spontaneous human combustion. } 0.35% chance -- Date. Love. Engaged. Married. Radiation accident. } Kids with three eyes and too many toes. } 0.3% chance -- Date. Drive-by shooting. } 0.249% chance -- She's a he, Jim. } 0.001% chance -- "Happily ever after." } } Now you know your chances. Good luck, and have fun. } } You owe the Oracle the probability that Lisa will come back from her } elopement with Zadoc -- I'm getting horny and the ZOT staff is getting } warm. --- 899-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, why do such a lot of dweebs ask you about the Oracle software > program? Are they idiots not to read your FAQ, or is there a darker > meaning... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, there is a tacit, unwritten rule that people shouldn't read } the Frequently Asked Questions. The reason is that if people read the } Frequently Asked Questions, they'd stop asking the Frequently Asked } Questions, which would make the Frequently Asked Questions no longer } frequently asked, which would make the compilers of the Frequently } Asked Questions look foolish, and we can't have the compilers of the } Frequent Asked Questions looking foolish, now can we? } } You owe the Oracle a Frequently Asked Question. --- 899-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle-- > > I've been thinking of starting my own business spinning straw into > gold. I was wondering if you might suggest a good straw to use > and where I might find a supplier. > > --Anonymous Princess And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear A.P., [1] } } My quick reference manual on straw to gold states that the best straw } to use is ********[2]. Although if you can't find it, try using } ******. } } As to suppliers, that is kind of tricky. Try these people: } } Straw 4 U } **** ******** Street } ********, ** ***** USA } } or: } } Straws R Us } *** ********* Boulevard } ******, ** ***** USA } } I hope this helps! } } You owe the Oracle some Golden lingerie for Lisa. ;) } } Sincerely, } The Internet Oracle } } -------------- } Editors Notes: } [1] You must know that no one is anonymous from the Oracle. Your real } name and address have been forwarded to your government for tax } purposes. We can't have people evading their taxes. } } [2] In the interests of the world economy, this information has been } removed. Sorry for any inconvenience. } } -------------- } Oracle's response to Editor: } } Hey! What's the meaning of this? You can't edit my Oracularities like } this. Put that back. } } -------------- } Editor's response to the Oracle's response: } } I am quite sorry. The information about turning straw into gold is } quite restricted. I am afraid we can't just give that out. Remember } what happened when we told that Midas guy about the lead to gold } thing? Pretty scary. } } -------------- } Oracle's response to Editor's response to the Oacle's response: } } So what? I have an obligation here to answer these questions. It's } right here in my contract: "The Internet Oracle will provide accurate } and insightful information at all times when proper supplicant } protocol is observed." } } Now put that information back in. } } -------------- } Editor's response to the Oracle's response to (You get the idea...) } } Ummm.... well.... ummmm... That question didn't follow the approved } protocol. No grovel. Sorry. No answer. } } -------------- } Oracle: } } What's your major beef with this answer? Grovels aren't required, } just strongly advised. She was nice enough. And anyway, she's kinda } cute. } } I think I better do some checking around here. } } Ah ha! I knew it! You've been straw into gold yourself! How'd you } get into my book library? } } That's it. You're outta here! } } -------------- } Editor: } } Hey! What are you doing? Don't point that staff ... } } <<<<>>>> } } -------------- } Oracle: } } There we go no more Editor to get in the way. Now back to the } question. Straw into gold. } } The best kind to use.... } } Well, you know, he was right. You really didn't grovel. And Lisa's } cuter anyway. } } <<<<>>>> --- 899-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Howdy O Racle. You be so groovin, you is so swell.. you be heaven and > we all's in hell. (ebonics grovel) > > What is up with women? DO they want us me or what? What for? Why is > this such a cruel life! Is there a planet where women must beg to men > for sex? How can I get there? Soon.. > > Thanky O Boy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You, humble supplicant, have had the misfortune of having your } supplication fall upon the ears of a female incarnation. Fortunately, } we of the gentler gender tend not to be as quick to *ZOT* as some. . . } } Women do beg men for sex. However, they tend only to ask it of worthy } and attractive men. You obviously are not one of the chosen few. Hmm. } Perhaps euthan*ZOT*ia would be appropriate in this case. } } But no, I mustn't. Instead, I shall share with you the Oracle's Plan } (Patent Pending) for Becoming Worthy and Attractive in Just Five Easy } Steps (OP(PP)BKWAJFEZS--(Note: the K is silent)): } } _Step 1_: Women Seldom Make Passes. . . } } First, you must become physically attractive. Hmm. . .I can see this } is going to take some work. For your case, I recommend a good diet, } coloured contacts, some hair dye, some minoxidil, perhaps a touch of } makeup, definitely a good diet, a few dozen sessions of plastic } surgery, and a few weeks--no, make that a few months--working out at } the gym. Clearing up that complexion of yours wouldn't hurt, either. } Nor would some electrolysis on your neck and back. A couple root } canals, some orthodontia. . .it would be a beginning, at least. } } _Step 2_: Hygiene, Hygiene, Hygiene! } } Believe it or not, women actually prefer men who wash themselves! (Use } *that* surprising fact in your next round of bar bets!) Soap does } wonders. Clean clothes and neat hair help, too. Clean under your } nails, behind your ears. . .I'd recommend you just throw your whole } body through an automatic car wash. } } _Step 3_: Clothes Make the Man } } Your wardrobe could use some overhauling, especially given your } new, post-Step 1 (of the OP(PP)BKWAJFEZS--(Note: the K is silent), } that is) physique. *You* *must* *become* *a* *fashion* *maven*. For } that, you're going to need more personalised help than even I can give } you. I'd ask your social worker. Any of them. } } _Step 4_: Knowledge is Power } } Women prefer smart, cultured guys. (How do you think Orrie got Lisa?) } This is another area in which you need lots of work. I'd recommend } that you start by reading the Complete Works of Shakespeare, doing all } the problems from Euclid (in the original Ancient Greek, of course), } learning French fluently, take a couple art appreciation courses } (enough so that you can distinguish Regence style from Regency and } Neodadaism from Dada), spend a few seasons at the opera, write some } poetry, and visit every continent for at least six months each. Once } you've done that, consult Me again for more info. } } _Step 5_: He's got. . .Personality } } Oh, dear. Where shall we begin? } } I haven't enough time--and I'm immortal. That should give you a clue } as to what a daunting task this is. I'd recommend you go have a long } talk with your mother, and actually obey the good woman's injuctions } for once. } } I guarantee that once you have finished this program, women will throw } themselves at you constantly. } } You owe the Oracle all your copies of _Hustler_. --- 899-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, the depths of whose wisdom can barely be plumbed by the > most resilient of bathyscaphs, please answer one simple question > for this supplicant who has waited his whole life merely to smell > your dirty laundry, without ever hoping for more: > > How many calves could have bathed in bathyscaphs if half the > calves had bathed in half the bathyscaphs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Such a scathingly brilliant query! } } Assuming that a calf is knee high to a bathyscaph, and the half life of } soap bubbles is T - 1 / n * pi (where T, n, and pi are all random } numbers, and * is a cool symbol to distract you) then all that remains } is to guess whether in fact you meant a young bovine or the portion of } the leg below the knee (see also: "shin, ouch stop kicking me") and if } the bathyscaphs are indeed heart shaped amd fitted with jacuzzi(R) } nozzles. } } In any event 1/4 of the sampled population (P) of calves (C) will be } cleaner than those using folger's crystals (F). } } References: } } [1] C. Dung et al, "Cow chips and all that sh..aving cream", 1996. } } [2] L. JaCuzzi, "Soapy soapy soapy, yeah (momma)", 1978. } } [3] Jacques Cousteau, "Rub a dub dub, three men in a bathyscaph", 1962. } } [4] (Mrs.) Irina Olsen, "Folger's: Mountain Grown Woodchuck Soup", } 1978. --- 899-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Get up, step away from the computer. Go outside. Feel the wind on } your face, the sun on your back. It's a beautiful spring day. (The } Oracle assumes you're in the northern hemishere.) See that bird flying } overhead? Isn't it pretty? Now wipe off that mess it dropped on your } face. That's Life. } } You owe the Oracle a clean car, because that *&%$!!! bird got me as } well. --- 899-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wondrous Oracle, whose knowledge outshines even the > brightest stars, please tell this humble supplicant: > > Why is it that I get graced with spending 6-7 hours a day talking > to computer illiterates? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because computer illiterates don't know how to use e-mail. *That's* why } you're talking to them. } } You owe The Oracle 16 MB EDO RAM. --- 899-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, whose 28.8 modem always connects at 33.6, please tell > me how US Robotics can squeeze all those bits of data through my crumby > voice-grade phone lines at such whistling speed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I called their public relations, and they said simply (quote): } } "EEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAA KHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..." } } (endquote) --- 899-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wondrous Oracle whose boots I am unworthy to polish, > please answer this question which has upset my peace of mind > > do cows look at trains? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Marlin Perkins here, for Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Today we go } to the Texas plains to answer the age old question, "do cows look at } trains?" But first, a word from our sponsor, Mutual of Omaha. } } Do you think you are going to die someday? Do you have family and } friends who depend on your income? Would you like to send us great } sums of money, knowing that we'll do our best to get out of giving any } of it back? Then you should buy a Mutual of Omaha Whole Life policy. } } "Why is it called 'Whole Life', Marlin?" } } Glad you asked, Jim. It's called Whole Life because you pay it for } your whole life, then you die. } } "That's great Marlin! I'll buy one right now." } } Great Jim, just put "Marlin Perkins" down where it says beneficiary. } } And now back to today's show. } } While we're sitting here in the shade with a keg of Coors, Jim has put } on his train costume, and his walking down the track. Today he's } dressed as the Santa Fe Super Chief, which is odd, considering that } this is a Southern Pacific track, but maybe the cows won't notice. } } "Hey cows! Look at me! Come on, look at me! Toot! Toot! I said } TOOT!" } } It doesn't appear that the cows are looking at Jim. But you can look } out for the needs of your family with a Mutual of Omaha Life insurance } policy. Just call your Mutual of Omaha agent today. } } The cows still don't seem to be looking at Jim. Uh-oh, here comes the } 5:15 Southern Pacific Western Emperor, out of Abilene. Jim! Look out } Jim! } } "Moo! What's that Marlin? Oh s! HELP!" } } Oh my! Jim and his Super Chief costume have been completely flattened. } And now the cows are gathering around the train track, looking at what } is left of Jim. Good thing he bought a Mutual of Omaha Life Insurance } policy, and made me the beneficiary. } } So that answers our question: cows don't look at trains, but they like } to look at train wrecks. This is Marlin Perkins, for Mutual of Omaha's } Wild Kingdom. We'll be back next week with another adventure, and } another Jim.