From oracle-request Thu May 8 00:10:33 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.75) id AAA13906; Thu, 8 May 1997 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 8 May 1997 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199705080510.AAA13906@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #904 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 904 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #904 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 8 May 1997 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 904 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 899 102 votes ivBf1 1buBn 5iywd 5jzud 4ivxg cvzl3 3hzzc 9lzod 9gnzj 6phvn 899 3.2 mean 2.5 3.7 3.3 3.3 3.4 2.7 3.4 3.1 3.4 3.4 --- 904-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Zadoc, I have some questions for you. > > Is "Zadoc" pronounced "ZADD-awk?" > Is "Zadoc" pronounced "ZAY-dawk?" > Is "Zadoc" pronounced "zuh-DAWK?" > Is "Zadoc" pronounced "WOOD-chuck?" > Is "Zadoc" pronounced "ZADD-oak?" > Is "Zadoc" pronounced "ZAY-doak?" > Is "Zadoc" pronounced "zuh-DOAK?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle here. I've always just pronounced it "worm". If you want } to know how he pronounces it, try sending him mail at } zadoc01@miserable.worm.aol.com. } } You owe the Oracle Nathan the Prophet's email address. --- 904-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, for which no PGP key is safe, please help me! > > I need to go to the bathroom urgently, but my sister is > doing her make-up and has locked the door. > > Please reply ASAP. > > -- Crosslegged. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm.. Let's see. There's a backdoor to everything (no pun intended). } Let's take a look at the door label. } } ------------------------- } | Microsoft Door | } ------------------------- } } Ah ha! } } <> } } Hello? Uh.. Hold.... } } Oh Hi. Uh yes um I've got a door here that's locked, and we have an } emergency and need it unlocked. } } No! I do not want to call a hired 3rd party locksmith and pay $35 per } incident with Locksmith co, encryption problem or not! } } Uh, if we have no key it's an encryption problem and it'll cost us } more. } } You have a key, right? } } <> } } Great, now it's an encryption problem. Unless... } } Oh, uh yeah, we DO have a key, but we can't get it unlocked, now will } ya help us out here? Oh yes, you can help us. Thank you. } } What!? What's the registration number of the door? The doors closed how } the hell should I know? Oh... I sense the registartion number is } 797-24523-68345. Sense? Did I say that? I meant see, yeah that's it. } Hmm..What uninstall an unlocked door? *Sighs* } } You may go ahead and use my toilet. But only once. } } <> } } Hey cmon! } } Supplicant: I... have to sit down and take care of business. Crept up } unexpectidly, you know? } } Ahh! } --- } } You owe the Oracle an open bathroom door that leads to an unoccupied } bathroom. --- 904-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There is a postcard waiting for you in the Post(card) Office. > You may claim it at the Pickup Window, which is located at > > http://postcards.www.media.mit.edu/Postcards/ > > Your claim number is: oracle.3732561 > > Please have this number available when you claim your postcard. > > Thank you, > The Postmaster > > Messages left unclaimed after 2 weeks may be discarded. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Master?" } } "Mm? What is it, Zadoc?" } } "I have viewed the postcard for you, Master." } } "Oh, that. So what was it?" } } "It was the Mona Lisa, Master. The text was `Why?'" } } "Why? Just why?" } } "Yes, Master. Just why." } } "So what you're telling me is that this clown tried to send the Oracle } off on a two and a half minute download odyssey in order to view one } of the Nineteen Crappy One Word Questions, with an accompanying Leo } da V picture to make it look as if the supplicant were thinking?" } } "Yes, Master. But..." } } "But what?" } } "The Supplicant left his email address on the postcard." } } "Oh. Oh did he now. Well then. Should we be creative?" } } "If you wish it, Master. We still have some of those antimatter packets } left over from mailbombing the Pauline Hanson site." } } "Hmm. No, let's save them. Just do the usual." } } "Of course, Master. One MAKE_MONEY_FAST ultra-spam, one death threat } to godking@oneworldgov.org, one $250 Corvette advertisement in all } the college papers with a note to call after 3AM, one... um, Master?" } } "Yes? What is it now?" } } "Um, what if the listed email address isn't really that of the } Supplicant?" } } "A human annoys me, a human gets squished like a bug. Got that, human?" } } "Yes, Master." } } Wait until peak Net congestion time for your area, then pay your debt } to the Oracle by viewing the postcard that awaits you at } http://www.cityearth.com/hategrams/index.shtml. --- 904-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, whose knowledge of the ways of the > cosmos is even greater than the gullibility of readers of the > National Enquirer, I pray that you bestow some small quotient of > enlightenment upon this, your most unworthy supplicant, by vouchsafing > your ponderings on this, my humble inquiry: > Why do women say they mean one thing, like "Yes, I like the way you > dress" or "Sure, I like the Three Stooges" but mean something totally > different, like "Your whole wardrobe must go. We will shop for new > clothes for you til you puke" or "How can you find the sight of one > man gouging the eyes of another man funny, while still a third man > does that stupid finger snap, fist clap sound while going 'Woo woo' "? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't believe it! You mean there are still males out there who don't } realise that women, like the Japanese, use words purely to make polite } noises which bear no relation whatsoever to what they really mean to } say? } } *sigh* } } Look, supplicant, I haven't got time now to give you a full induction } into the secret language of the female Homo sapiens. Instead, here is } Lisa's handy glossary of expressions used by women on dates and what } they mean. The rest you'l have to figure out yourself. } } Go out to dinner with But, given a choice, I'd rather stay home } you? I'd love to! and rip my fingernails out one by one. } } Where do you suggest I suggest you go to Anchorage while I go } we go? to Tasmania. } } No, I've never been I try to avoid food-poisoning, as a rule. } there. } } You'll pick me up at Oh my God! Haven't they confiscated your } seven then? driving license yet? Valium, quick! } } Wow! You certainly But it would have been a different story } got us here quickly. if that policeman had managed to keep up } with you. } } You remind me of Brad I've never met him and I wish I could say } Pitt. the same about you. } } I never knew you could The way you do that finger snap, fist clap } be so entertaining! sound while going 'Woo woo!' } } I'm not very hungry. You're enough to put anyone off their food. } } I'll just have a salad. And I'll also lean across and eat all your } fries, just to annoy you. } } Must watch my figure, And if you don't stop watching my figure, } you know. I'm going to punch you in the eye any } minute now. } } Go back to your place? But first, let me start on my toenails. } Swell! } } So this is your home. I thought by 'home' you'd meant mental } institution. } } Yes, I will have a Got any paraquat? } drink, thank you. } } You say it's a It looks more like the USS Missouri. } matchstick model of Or the Eiffel Tower. Or both. } Rodin's 'The Kiss'? } } And you made it You know, where I come from, we lower } yourself? How clever people like you slowly into a giant } of you! tank full of jellyfish. } } I'm so sorry, I do find I make it a rule never to kiss } you attractive but I wildebeest on a first date. } make it a rule never to } kiss on a first date. } } We must do this again Surely he's not feeble-minded enough to } some time. take *that* at face value? } } Next Friday would be Oh my God, he is!!! } great. } } Goodbye, I've had a I'm now going home to perform a lobotomy } lovely evening. on myself in a vain attempt to expunge it } from my memory. } } "Are you done yet, sugar-buns?" } } Just about, Lisa my sweet. } } "Oh, I think it's wonderful how you are always helping poor lost } souls with your wise and witty advice." } } By that, do you mean 'It's wonderful how I'm always helping poor } lost souls with my wise and witty advice,' or do you really mean } 'God, those little losers must be desperate to resort to a pompous, } nobrained windbag like me?' } } "Why, the former of course, apple blossom of my delight!" } } I'm glad to hear it. Well, I'm knocking off now. What say we repair } to the bed chamber? } } "Hang on. I think a couple of my toenails have grown back." --- 904-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Wondrous Oracle whose imagination outshines by far that of > Welles, Orwell, and Dilbert, all rolled into one, tell me, I beg you, > will a space elevator such as that suggested by Arthur C. Clarke ever > be built? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It will! As it turns out, though, moving Sri Lanka to the equator will } be the more impressive engineering feat. Even after that is finished a } month ahead of time (by the soon-to-be-world-renowned contractor, Big } Billy Bob's Earthmoving and Refrigerator Removal Service), there will } be significant delays and political foulups. The most crushing blow to } the project, though, will come when Microsoft is awarded the software } contract for the project. SpaceElevatorOS2025 will be delivered } (slightly late) on March 15, 2043 with, as Bill Gates, Jr. will put it, } "a few undocumented features". } } One of those undocumented features will cause the code to enter an } infinite loop the first time the elevator is used. As a result, the } braking mechanism will fail to engage, resulting in the payload (a } useless chunk of silicon -- WASA will inherit caution from its } forerunner, NASA) hurtling off into space in an uncontrolled fashion. } Unforunately, it won't quite make escape velocity, and several months } later will come crashing back to earth in two pieces, obliterating the } Sundance Film and Holography Festival and Madonna's Retirement Home for } Pooped Poppers in the process. Microsoft's stock will surge upward, } giving the formerly anonymous majority stock holder enough cash to } leave his Indiana residence and take over the world. } } You owe the Oracle all the Microsoft stock in your portfolio. --- 904-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A E I O U? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An Extremely Impertinent Oracle User } Approached, Eminently Incapable Of Understanding } An Eminently Important Observance, Uttered } An Excrescence, Inquiring Of Us } Actual Estimation, In Ordinary Units } An Expeditious Imbursement Of Underdogs. } } U O I A E! --- 904-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Wise One, > Why is it then when you come home and you can hear your phone ringing > from far, it stops when you reach out to it? My phone in the office > does the same. > Are they on strike? Should they be replaced? Is there a cure? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They are Heisenburg brand Uncertainty phones. You can tell that they } are ringing, but when you try to figure out exactly why, you are eluded } since they stop ringing. You should replace them with Schroedinger } phones; the phone makes a ringing sound only once. Then, the only way } to know if the phone is still "ringing" or not is to pick up the phone } and see if someone is on the line. } } You owe the Oracle a refund for his Murphy's phone; it keeps breaking. --- 904-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most splendorous, who could smite me even without the ZOT > staff, I ask that you explain what has happened to me. You see, those > symptoms I mentioned in another supplication (dizzy spells, all rooms > being lit up as I enter them, and a cutting feeling in my back) had > nothing to do with an excess of blood. The symptoms I had now seem to > have grown. People started staring at me in awe mere days after you > sent me your answer. I have a definite glow around me now and I have > sprouted sparkling white wings. People who annoy me now have a > tendency to keel over in pain and even cry out. As for those dizzy > spells, they're more frequent and a bit more severe. > > I'm really scared now. What's going on? What's happening to me? > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } We at Acme Industries are sorry that the side effects from our } Acme Deification Kit (TM) have proved to be distrubing. However, if } you had read the 500 page instruction manual (written in Swahili, } transcribed into Arabic) you would have noted that such side effects } are to be expected in a large number of cases. Once the installation } phase is complete, the Deification Kit will work perfectly, with no } side effects. After all, we at Acme pride ourselves on the quality of } our product, and our customers agree. One customer, a Mr. Wile E. } Coyote, has been ordering our products for years. } } Sincerely Yours, } } R. Runner } President } Acme Industries --- 904-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who knows who wrote the _Book of Love_, please tell > me... > > Why can't I remember my question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ummmm..I am sorry..but I can't remember the answer.... } You owe the Oracle...ummm..something. --- 904-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, keeper of all wisdom and knowledge, > > I don't understand Mormonism. Can you explain it to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't know much about Moronism, either, but let's take a look at this } fragment from the Book of Moron: } } "1.And behold, let there be a select group of twelve youths. 2.They } shall stand upon the corners of the great streets of the great and holy } Salt Lake City. 3.Let them munch upon apples and sip the diet beverage } Tab, and let them raise their voices in praise and in holy song. } 4.This shall be the most well-known activity of the Morons." } } ...this must evidently be a description of the Moron Tab-'n'-Apple } Choir. } } Oh, wait...you asked about *Mormon*ism..........oops. } } You owe the Oracle a free religious book or two.