From oracle-request Tue Jul 8 09:37:42 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id JAA21774; Tue, 8 Jul 1997 09:37:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 8 Jul 1997 09:37:42 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199707081437.JAA21774@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #919 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 919 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #919 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 8 Jul 1997 09:37:42 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 919 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 914 104 votes 7otya 5mFnd 4aExh ofxie 3crJh dyyf8 irvia 8itxg svqa9 8euwk 914 3.1 mean 3.2 3.2 3.5 2.8 3.6 2.7 2.8 3.3 2.4 3.4 --- 919-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise oracle, you see all, you know all, tell me > > Australian Rules Football......What's that all about then? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not really hard. It's just like regular American football, } except that lateral passes by the receiving team must be made in } inverse fashion between two players of rank halfback or greater } (but not the quarterback!) during the fourth and fifth downs, and in } normal, reciprocating, fashion during first and third downs, except } when a conversion has caused the "Second Interception Rule" to come } into effect, which generally means that the alternate linemen are } taken out of play for two minutes or until the designated hitter of } the home team receives two or more qualifying fouls before the end } of regulation play. And the opposite for kickoffs, of course. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the new rulebook. --- 919-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who is most clever and all that, knowing pretty much everything > there is to know etc etc, generally speaking a bit of a brainy box, you > know? > Can you tell me just how much NASA have spent getting that thing to the > planet Mars and just what do they expect to find there ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, you'll be pleased to know the answer is - not a cent of } public money. The program is being funded in line with a new government } policy to cut taxes, which is that funds are to raised through } soul-bartering. It goes like this: } } Dan Goldin, NASA Administrator: Damn, it's going to cost a couple of } mill to get this little toy buggy thing to Mars. I'd sell my soul for } the space program! } *puff of smoke* } The Devil (looking like Ned Flanders): That can be arranged! } Goldin: Satan? You'll give me the money? } The Devil: Sure, sign this paper. } Goldin: (reads, and signs) "To The Prince Of Darkness, in exchange for } a space program, One Soul". } The Devil: ... And here's the cash! See you in hell! } } Impressed with the efficiency of this plan, other levels of government } have been joining in: } } Bill Clinton: Damn, those Republicans are going to eat me alive if I } can't balance the budget. And the courts are going to roast me over } that Paula chick. I'd sell my soul to be out of this mess! } *puff of smoke* } The Devil: That can be arranged! } Clinton: Satan? Gee, thems pointy horns! } The Devil: Sign on the dotted line. } Clinton: (reads, then signs) "To The Prince of Darkness, in exchange } for one balanced budget and one not so messy court case, My Soul" } The Devil: Aha! This is fun! See you in hell! } } Other prominent leaders are trying it too: } Bill Gates: Hey, I *could* be richer! I'd sell my soul for a total } stranglehold on the world! } } *no puff of smoke. A sinister voice floats up through the floorboards: } Doesn't work twice, Bill! } } You owe the Oracle ... your heart and mind, supplicant. (evil laugh) --- 919-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > Take pity on your poor supplicant, > who is too base and putrid to even ask the Great Oracleness > this question: > > How many lines of code, > Would a Microsoft programmer code, > If a Microsoft Programmer > could write debuged code? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi. Welcome back to HackChat. We're talking today with a Microsoft } programmer who wishes to remain anonymous. I'm your host, The } Internet Oracle, and this hour is brought to you by, um, Microsoft-- } makers of all your software needs for today, the year 2000, and } beyond. } } Microsoft Programmer: (wiping nose on sleeve) Hi. } } Just before the break, a poetically inclined caller wanted to know } how many lines of debugged code you could write. } } MP: Oh, tons, I suppose. } } Really? } } MP: Depends on what you mean by debugged. } } Let's simplify things and define that as meaning the program will } operate, say, correctly. } } MP: Oh. } } Well? } } MP: I can almost guarantee that little boxes will pop up on cue every } time. } } You mean according to my cue, right? } } MP: (chuckles) God no. Ours. But since I wrote the program, I'd know } better as to when the little boxes... } } Wait. You do understand that there's more at stake here than the } interface, right? Like whether the program does what it's supposed } to do? } } MP: How can a consumer know what it's supposed to do without } actually having written it? } } Well, when you buy something expecting it to do what's written } on the box... } } MP: Oh, you'd have to talk to marketing about that. I can't accept } responsibility for package design... } } Let me start over. Say you've written a program. What steps do } you take to ensure the code has been debugged before releasing } it? } } MP: I'm not sure I follow.... } } Okay, Internet Explorer 4.0 is currently in beta testing, right? What } is being done with the bug reports that-- } } MP: I worked on that one! You can get web content delivered right } to your desktop! } } As opposed to having to undergo the laborious chore of clicking a } button...that's certainly worth half a hard drive. } } MP: You bet! } } I was being sarcastic. } } MP: Being what? } } Sarcastic. } } MP: If that's a Mac program I can't really comment... } } Okay. I'm way tired of this. } } You owe the Oracle a course in LINUX and a non-formulaic ending. --- 919-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To Whom it may concern. > > My clients, the Wood Chuck Protection Board (WCPB) are very upset by > the lack of care to the furry quadropeds so unfairly mistreated by you, > the "Internet" Oracle. > > You are being charged with slander, deciet, hatred to Wood Chucks, > misappropriations of the truth on Wood Chucks, and denying the needs of > Wood Chucks to Chuck wood. > > If this continues further the WCPB will be forced to take legal action > against you. > > Sincerely, > W. Chuck. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. Chuck, Chairman of the Board of Fools, } } Unfortunately the WCPB cannot be taken seriously. I, as the supreme } Oracle, am aware that WCPB is actually an acronym derived from a one } letter displacement to the left, on the 'qwerty' keyboard, from the } famed woodchuck EVAN. Any self-respecting omniscient being cannot } accept an agency cunningly named for a woodchuck who would wander about } in the woods and, dare I say it, 'chuck wood.' } } You see, although Evan was a nice little woodchuck, as they go, he } had his heart set on tossing timber. Trees were meant to stay where I } place them--they make good tooth picks for me after a hearty meal. } Regardless, I know that one time, long ago, Evan attempted to 'chuck } wood' and this inspired an entire race of wood 'chuckers.' I, as the } supreme Oracle, have the power to correct this terrible turn in the } evolutionary process. I will eradicate the world of woodchucks! } } Therefore, it is imperative that you make copies of the attached } file and make sure that every member of your Board signs and is in full } agreement with the contract. Thank you. } The Internet Oracle } } P.S. Incidentally, How can an agency designed to protect what you } call 'innocent' creatures, not know that "quadropeds" is spelled, not } that way, but rather, quadrupeds? Thanks again. } } P.P.S I expect never to hear from you again. } } File Attachment: signorbezotted.txt } } ----- CONTRACT 13a "Woodchuck Extermination" ----- } } I, ________, hereby declare that woodchucks are in fact, not } sentient life forms and are a mistake of mother nature. However, I } realize that she can be forgiven of her sins by weeding out the genetic } mishap that so long ago produced marmota monax, better know as } woodchuck. } } I, ________, realize that by my signing this contract I am } guaranteeing the safety of not only the world, but also of myself as a } humble supplicant. I also am aware that by my willful signing, I am } protecting both myself and my family from being ZOTTED. } } I, ________, hereby declare that I am not being forced to sign this. } I realize that if I do not I will be burnt into a smoking mass of } charred flesh. This, however, is not contributing to my signature. I } want to sign. Therefore, I, _______, am going to. } } I, ________, also declare that I do not endorse the friendship with, } the furthering of, or in anyway, the continued existence of any } creature that is involved in any of the following: } } - Chucking Wood, } - Tossing Timber, } - Shooting Spruce, } - Tumbling Trees, } - Pitching Pines , } - Casting Conifers, } - Pushing Palms, } - Dislodging Deciduous, } - Moving Maples, } - Flipping Firs, } - Discarding Dogwoods, } - Shoving Sequoia, } - Overcoming an Occasional Oak, } - Slamming Cedars, } - Hurling Hemlocks, } - Shaking Cypress, } - Launching Larch, } - Accelerating Alders, } - Blasting Birch, } - Agitating Acacia, } - Breaking Bonsai, } - Heaving Hawthorns, } - Propelling Perennials } - Impelling Ivy, } - Wasting Willows, } - Pressing Poplar, } - Ejecting Ebony, } - Ramming Redwoods, } - Beating Bushes } } and/or } } - Hauling Hazels, } } I, _______, agree with all of the preceding. I am no longer an } advocate of any animal belonging to the marmota species. } } _________ (please print) } _________ (sign here) } } **TRANSMISSION ENDED** --- 919-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, whose management skills are beyond compare, > please tell me: > > How can I get my staff to come to work on time? I've tried jokes, > bribery, & threats, but none of them work. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Funny, but I don't recall the jokes. The bribery was good, but I never } saw the money. For some reason all I seem to have received were the } threats and those big whacks over the head, which are still affecting } my memory. And as long as I don't see those other things, I will get to } work when I Damned well please. } } How about some PAY? THAT might work. Or didn't you think of it? } } But seriously: when someone tries to work hard but doesn't so much as } get coherent, clear, English instructions, much less anything else, } they tend to dislike the job. And that's the EMPLOYER'S fault. } } I don't know about others (actually I do because I'm The Oracle, but } it's a common phrase), but whenever someone tries to coerce me into } doing something by saying "You will do this OR ELSE!", I just won't do } it. Period. Screw the consequences. Even if it is something I can } easily do. This is not stubbornness, it is a form of self-defense. } } An ex-POW gave this advice: "If they give you lined paper, write across } the lines. If they offer you a seat, prefer to stand." There was more, } but you get the idea. } } On the other hand, if I have a clear, understandable contract, and I } get the pay I contracted for, and the people are helpful and friendly, } I will do my best. But I will see some pay or I won't work. Or at least } I won't do the work you want me to do. } } And I have news for you: NOBODY else is even remotely qualified for } THIS job. } } You still owe The Oracle - big time. --- 919-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Go over what the abbot said again," said the first programmer, as he > nudged his burro down the mountain path. "I still don't understand why > those monks need a Mark V out here in the middle of nowhere." > "He said," replied the second programmer, after a distant pause, > "that they were programming the machine to be a question generator. > That it would save them centuries of work, by generating all the > possible questions you could ask the Internet Oracle in a matter of > days." > "But why bother? What's the point?" > "They think that once the Oracle has answered all possible questions, > mankind will have fulfilled its purpose and the universe will end." > "Those nutty monks." The first programmer shook his head as he made > his way down the trail, putting distance between himself and the > monastery. > > In the Mark V's control room the acolytes pedaled furiously at their > bicycles, providing electricity for the great machine. A fanfold > printout emerged from the depths of its circuitry, tended carefully by > the monks: > > Q# 9205849463: > HOW MUCH SAND WOULD A SANDPIPER PIPE IF A SANDPIPER COULD PIPE SAND? > Q# 9205849464: > HOW MANY BOOKS WOULD A BOOKMARK MARK IF A BOOKMARK COULD MARK BOOKS? > Q# 9205849465: > HOW MUCH TIME WOULD A TIMEPIECE PIECE IF A TIMEPIECE COULD PIECE > TIME? > Q# 9205849466: > HOW MANY FLAGS WOULD A FLAGPOLE POLL IF A FLAGPOLE COULD POLL FLAGS? > Q# 9205849467: > HOW MANY CLOCKS WOULD A CLOCKWORK WORK IF A CLOCKWORK COULD WORK > CLOCKS? > > The monks gathered around the machine in eager anticipation of the > 9205849468th (and, according to their painstaking calculations, last) > question. The acolytes pedaled faster. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc, it appears we've stumbled on another IBM commercial: } } [Two monks are sitting in front of a cafe on the French Riviera] } } Monk #1: Hruffa, Szelek. Balasssoasmattacar. Wi con I B M macinadora. } } } } Monk #2: Wahayyata, Juan Valdez ni kai na ya vava baker. } } } } Monk #1: Waralla, wish wish basu basa. Zweekar sarovar Juan Valdez si } kayallat... } } } } Monk #2: Karakozka; dragnoyarsk'in krepertallen. Yuwaswissah swagat. } } } } Monk #1: Arra'tanaka biddun! Yu-Shi harakatallih 1-800-IBMSUCK? } You will... } } } } [Scene changes. Two monks, naked as nature, one behind the other... } } ^D } } [CENSORED] by ...NET NANNY... } } Transmission Error. Download failed. --- 919-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > > > > > > > > > > meow > > > > > > > > > > > > Meow! > > > > > > > > > > > me0w > > > > > > > > > > meow!!! > > > > > > > > > MEOW > > > > > > > > meow > > > > > > > Meow!!! > > > > > > m3ow !!! > > > > > Meow. > > > > meow > > Meow! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Question is: } What is sound of one cat falling down the stairs? } } You owe the Oracle a guest spot on Jeopardy. --- 919-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, > > Could you do that agin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure. } } Being omniscient, I do happen to know the actual 'agin' you want today } is the one from Roget's Internatinal Thesaurus, so there we go: } } 790. OPPOSITION } } } } .10 PREPS } opposed to, adverse to, counter to, in opposition to, in conflict with, } at cross-purposes with; } against, agin [dial], dead against, athwart; } versus, vs.; } con, contra, face to face with, vis-a-vis [Fr]. } } You owe the Internet a bit more reluctance in the usage of dialect. } It can be confusing and hinders the spread of English as a Lingua } Franca. --- 919-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty internet oracle of the far off land of indiana.edu. Whose > mastery of visual basic leaves Bill Gates grovelling, who can out think > Deep Blue, who can code C++ faster than GNU, whose VRML web pages make > picasso look like a 3 year-old with crayons, I ask the following > question. > > Why can't Wile E. Coyote ever catch the Road Runner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wile is running in Windows. --- 919-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise. > > What does the monsters under my bed keep disapearing when i look for > them ? Everytime i crawl under the bed with a gun or a baseball bat > they simply are gone. Still i can hear them gnawing and gnawing all > through the night. They are after me, I know it ! What can i do. > I have even tried dynamite. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why get rid of them? Adopt them. Domesticate them. Train them to guard } your house. } } Would you burgle a house patrolled by monsters?