From oracle-request Sun Aug 10 16:14:58 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id QAA09154; Sun, 10 Aug 1997 16:14:58 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 10 Aug 1997 16:14:58 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199708102114.QAA09154@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #928 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 928 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #928 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 10 Aug 1997 16:14:58 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 928 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 923 103 votes artpc 8jDt8 oyud2 rymf5 bqsqc ckvrd aiKm7 9ktyb bnzoa 5gtwl 923 3.0 mean 3.0 3.1 2.4 2.4 3.0 3.1 3.0 3.2 3.0 3.5 --- 928-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE ADVENTURE OF THE BLANK TELEGRAM } } Sherlock Holmes had had a busy five months. It had started with } the celebrated case of Mr. Ian Davis, who, in spite of being known to } have had a fear of heights bordering on the neurotic, was found dead } atop the statue of Admiral Nelson in Trafalgar Square. It continued } with a trip to Turkey to clear up a trifling matter for the Ottoman } Empire, and concluded with a string of cases around England which had } culminated in the arrest of Paul Kelly, the most peculiar arsonist that } Europe has ever seen. } So when, suddenly, all this activity stopped, I was rather } relieved than otherwise. My friend's ascetism bordered on mania when } he had a case on his mind, even his iron constitution was beginning to } show signs of strain after so long a period with so little food or } sleep. But as the time of inactivity stretched to two weeks, and then } to three, I became worried once again, for the dull look in Holmes's } eye and his caged-animal demeanor showed me that he pondering returning } to the habit of cocaine self-poisoning from which I had so carefully } weaned him. Every morning he would pick up the Times, eagerly glance } over the headlines, and cast it aside with a sneer when there were no } sensational murders or daring robberies to report. } "Ah, Watson," said he, breaking in on my thoughts, "you know me } too well. But no, I shan't bring out my needle if it shall bring upon } me such a barrage of criticism as it did last time. But where have all } the criminals gone?" } This last was in an exasperated tone, and I felt my roommate's } pain. "It seems to me, Holmes, that you have arrested them all, and } frightened all the potential criminals into good citizenship. But, } really, Holmes, isn't that the object of your career? To get rid of } crime?" } "Yes, I fear that I share with doctors the singular distinction } of working tirelessly to eliminate the need for my own services. But } things are looking up, for unless I am very much mistaken, here is a } client." } The ring of the bell showed the correctness of his surmise, and } presently Mrs. Hudson showed up our visitor, a distinguished-looking } old gentleman dressed conservatively. } "Come in, sir," said my friend with that easy cordiality for } which he was remarkable. I glanced over our visitor, endeavouring to } use Holmes's methods to learn what I could about our guest, but soon } gave up, none the wiser for my troubles. } "I am sorry to disturb you gentlemen, but I need to consult with } Mr. Holmes. Inspector Lestrade sent me here from Scotland Yard." } "Ah, indeed," said Holmes, rubbing his hands together happily, } "pray have a seat and tell us what is troubling you." } "Well, sir, it may not be anything at all, but it troubles me } just the same. This morning I received a reply-paid telegram which has } left me completely baffled." } "What did it say?" } "Here it is, sir, you can read it for yourself." } Holmes looked over the message. He then handed it to me, saying, } "Well, Watson, what do you make of it?" } The body of the telegram read: } } > } > } } "What on earth does it mean?" I ejaculated. } Holmes laughed with his breathy, noiseless laugh at my } astonishment. "I think we'll need more explanation, Mr. Oracle. Do } you--" } Our visitor jumped up with surprise. "How did you know my name?" } he cried. } Holmes smiled. "It is my business to know things. Besides, I've } found that if I explain my methods, I do not impress so much." } Mr. Oracle sat down again. "It's a neat trick, anyhow. I } suppose there's no harm in you knowing a bit about me. My name is, } indeed, Oracle. The Oracle. I come from the States. Indiana, to be } exact." } "Really!" said Holmes, more interested in this information than I } would have expected. "I hadn't noticed any eccentricities of speech. } But what a peculiar name! Why did your parents christen you 'The?'" } "Oh, that's just a family name. But I'm sure it has no bearing } on the case." } "Quite. Is there anyone you can think of who might send you such } a telegram, perhaps as a joke?" } "No, sir, and even if they did, why should they send it } reply-paid? That is rather obscure to me. But Inspector Lestrade } didn't think the matter was worth his time. He simply waved me away } like a child." A flash of the purest, most violent rage shone in our } visitor's eye for a moment, but he quickly regained his self-control. } "But he said he thought it was rather in your line. What do you make } of it?" } "Nothing, yet. But certainly I shall look into it if it will put } your mind at ease." } "I would be most grateful, Mr. Holmes." } "All right, I will make inquiries. But before you go, where can } I reach you?" } "I live at Steve Corners, on Kinzler Court." } "Off Bloomington Road?" } "Precisely, sir." } "Well, I shall contact you soon." } "Really, sir, I thank you." He bowed gracefully to us both, } doffed his hat, and stepped out. } No sooner had the door closed than Holmes said, "There goes one } of the worst liars these rooms have ever seen, and there have been } quite a few liars in here. I shall follow Mr. The Oracle; don't expect } me back before dinner," and stepped out. } I had not been impressed with the importance of the case until } Holmes made that singular pronouncement. Suddenly my mind was filled } with questions. Who was this Mr. Oracle? What had he lied about? Why } was he lying? From whom had he received the telegram? These questions } so filled my mind that I could not concentrate on the little } yellow-backed novel which I was trying to read. I soon gave up on my } reading and resigned my thoughts to this peculiar case. But I made } neither head nor tail of it, and spent a long afternoon waiting for } Holmes's return. } And a long evening, too; dinner came and went, and still there } was no sign of my friend. Still I waited. More hours passed. I heard } the servants leave, and, after that, Mrs. Hudson lock up for the night. } My lonely vigil stretched on. . . } When I woke up Holmes was sitting at the table, eating } breakfast. I stirred, and Holmes said, "Ah, Watson, you're awake. } Sorry about last night--my inquiries took a bit longer than expected." } "That's all right," I replied, eagerly. "What have you } discovered?" } "Oh, much what I expected. Come, have some eggs, and we can } discuss how the case has progressed thus far." } I did as I was told, but Holmes was too busy attending to a slice } of ham to talk to me. I waited impatiently, and eventually Holmes } said: } "Sorry. I have been to Manchester and back without time for a } meal, and was absolutely famished. Now, I believe you were interested } in that Mr. Oracle." } "He seemed a fascinating man." } "Well, I noticed your examination of him; come, tell me what you } thought of him, and we can compare notes." } "He seemed to me to be a refined, honest gentleman, a leader of } his community, and extremely intelligent." } Holmes laughed. "Watson, Watson, Watson. Ever the same. How } many times must I tell you that the first places to look when you } examine a man are the bootlaces, hands, and trouser-knees?" } I was somewhat hurt by his mocking and said, with some asperity, } "So what did you discover about him by your examination?" } "Come, now, don't take it so hard," said he, replying to my } thoughts rather than my words as was his wont, "I'm sure you did a } great bit better than most fellows would have done. And in my } profession I must look for different things than most others do. } Regardless, all I was able to determine about our esteemed visitor was } that he was left-handed, had hurried to see us, had lived in England } for about two weeks, and had been recently married but was now trying } to hide all trace of having done so." } "How on earth--" } "You know my methods, Watson." } "Well, you probably noted that his left hand was larger than his } right--" } "A clever deduction!" cried Holmes. } "--and you probably noted his hurry by the state of his toilet--" } "Excellent!" said Holmes. } "--and the style of his clothing, which was most likely more } American than British showed you that he had not been long in } England--" } "You scintillate this morning!" } "--but how the devil did you determine that he had recently } married and so forth?" } "Really, Watson, we'll make a detective of you yet. You were } completely wrong with all your reasons, but you were able to come up } with plausible reasons for everything, which is better than any of the } incompetents at Scotland Yard could do. His hands were the same size, } his toilet was impeccable, and his outfit was entirely English. His } left hand had that characteristic smear of ink across it which } left-handers get when they write hurriedly, from which I deduced his } haste as well. Did you notice the state of his complexion? Well, it } was a fading sort of tan, the sort of tan one has when one has spent } time in the sunny tropics and then come to this island's rather dreary } clime for a fortnight. However, there was a band around his left } ring-finger which was still pale, but covered with make up to hide the } fact. However, the band was a curious one in that it showed that rings } had been in two different but overlapping places at two different } times: for a short time, some time ago, it had been more distal, but } then it had been moved closer to the main part of the hand. What would } cause that? Obviously, the ring had been re-fitted. At first, it was } too small, so he had it made into something larger to be more } comfortable. But he would have done that soon after he got the ring, } for why should wear an uncomfortable ring any longer than one has to? } From this I deduced that the marriage must be recent." } "Wonderful!" I ejaculated. } "Elementary," Holmes replied. } "But then why did you go to Manchester? As I recall, the } telegram was sent from Great Yarmouth." } "Indeed it was, Watson. However, our friend was kind enough to } show us the label of his hat just before he left, and it was made by a } milliner in Newcastle. Now, even though his speech was polished and } proper, his accent was not, and it was evident that he was not a native } of Lancashire. But why would he have sent away to a Manchester } millinery if he had not been there? He had clearly spent time in } Manchester." } "I see. But what about his London address? Kisser Court, or } whatever?" } "You are doing brilliantly this morning. I checked with the } house-agent in charge of Kinzler Court, and found that the home known } as 'Steve Corners' had only been let last Friday." } "So what was the purpose of the blank, reply-paid telegram from } Great Yarmouth, then?" } "I am convinced it was a blind, Watson. Mr. Oracle was trying to } distract me--perhaps to get me out to Suffolk and out of the way--for } some reason." } "But why?" } "I don't yet know. I thought it reasonable to assume that it had } some connexion with his recent marriage, so I went to Manchester and } thence to Liverpool, and looked at the port's registers. I've } discovered that the yacht 'Indiana Coastline,' owned by a certain 'The } and Maria Oracle,' docked in from Costa Rica exactly two weeks ago, on } July 18." } "And?" } "Liverpool seems an odd place to take an expensive yacht. Rich } tourists are usually sensible enough to avoid that dreary town like the } plague. Why had they gone there? Were they following somebody? It } seemed the most likely reason. Few American ships had set in of late, } but one caught my eye. The dinghy 'Hoosier Hovel,' with a 'Zadoc and } Lisa Worm' listed as owners, set in on July 15, also from Costa Rica. } 'Hoosier,' I believe, is a nickname for residents of Indiana." } "Quite so." } "So I deduced that the Oracles were following the Worms for some } reason. But once again I have fallen into your evil habit of telling } my story backward." } "How so?" } "Because I spent a wild hour in London before I even boarded the } train to Manchester. I followed Mr. Oracle to Willson's Private Hotel, } which is an eminently unrespectable little shack run by a Mr. Richard } Willson. I've had a run-in or two with Mr. Willson in the past, and I } dared not enter the place undisguised. So I proceeded to Kinzler } Court. } "There I found--nothing. It was obviously not intended by its } owners for long-term habitation, and was almost entirely unfurnished. } No one answered the door, and I didn't have my burgling tools with me, } so I left. Next I proceeded to the house-agents in charge of Kinzler } Court, Noe & Atkinson's. Neither partner was in yet, but their } secretary, a Ms. Chevalier, was. She was an amorous little woman who, } with a shocking lack of decorum, attempted to seduce me right in the } office. It was a simple enough matter to gain access to the } information I wanted, though I was forced to flee before she got out of } hand. Then I hurried to Victoria and thence to Manchester, with the } result you have heard." } "So your next step is to go to Willson's Private Hotel?" } "Yes, I think that the key to this mystery lies there. I should } be back in time for lunch." } With that he stepped into his room, and emerged a moment later, } with one of his remarkable transformations, looking like a low and } scruffy sailor. } He was, indeed, not gone long, and when he returned he came with } a disgusted look uncharacteristic of him. "A complete waste, Watson. } A complete waste." He through himself down in his favourite armchair. } "But what has happened?" I asked eagerly. } "I proceeded to Willson's, and pretended to be a sailor looking } for a room. However, one has to be fond of certain rather peculiar } amusements if one is to be a guest at Willson's--I believe the man has } the largest collection of lacy lingerie in his own size in the } world--and he is quite suspicious of newcomers. 'Oo recommended ya?' } he said, in his deliciously low accent. I gave the name of a } confederate I had worked with in the past, and Mr. Willson's humour } rose tremendously. } "'Well, cacoethes cantati,' said he--the man's only respectable } passion is for injecting random and irrelevant Latin phrases into } conversations for no apparent reason-- 'e's uh good customah.' I soon } found myself in Room No. 3 of Willson's. } "Having been admitted to the hotel, it was easy to gain access to } Mr. Oracle's room and menage. And what a menage it was. When Mr. } Oracle first let me in, it was impossible to determine what was going } on. } "Soon I discovered that there were five people besides myself in } that small room. Two, a simpering little man and a lovely brunette } woman, were chained to one bedpost. Another woman, a dark, } Spanish-looking beauty, was tied with all the sheets to another. } Another woman--another beauty, this one bleach-blonde--was cavorting } about with a whip, thoroughly enjoying whipping everyone else: Mr. } Oracle, the other man, the other women, herself, and even, after I } entered, myself. Everyone was screaming, blabbering, or howling--it's a } wonder no one had called the police, but I imagine the neighbors are } used to it by now--and Mr. Oracle was crawling around pretending to be } the whipping-lady's pet dog. } "At length I determined that the whipping lady was Lisa Worm, and } that the other man was her husband Zadoc. The Spanish woman, bound } with sheets, was of course Ms. Maria Oracle. The other woman--the } brunette--was 'Michelle,' but I don't recall her last name as having } been mentioned. } "It seems that Maria, who was fiery with all the heat of her } tropical blood, was so insanely jealous of her husband's old amours } that she had determined to kill them. Lisa and Michelle were } apparently his old favourites--I tell you, Watson, the man is a worse } Don Juan than was Don Juan--so he couldn't bear to have them killed. } However, before I had arrived there had been a mass reconciliation, and } they were having this sort of party to celebrate the event before } heading back to Indiana as one big, happy harem. } "Since it was evident that they were trying to distract me from } the planned murder, and that was no longer going to happen, I slipped } off as soon as I could, which proved to be when Mr. Willson entered, } wearing his favourite doilies. } "So this case that began with nothing, ended with nothing, and } now I'm plunged back into the nothingness of ennui." } He reached for his violin, and lamented the normalcy of the } world. --- 928-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most net-savvy, please tell me what a "Tolkien Ring" network is. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah yes, the little known Tolkien Ring topology. This is an English } innovation, based on a minimalist interpretation of RS-232, which used } a three wire cable ( left - command, right - response, and middle - } earth). Originally designed for use by amateurs, it was routinely } hobbed together (i.e. assembled by a hobbyist, from the verb to hobbit) } with spare parts from unused serial ports. As can be noted from above, } the Tolkien Ring is a command-response type network where all peers are } connected such that their "receive" is connected to the "command" line } and their "send" is connected to the "response". Of course the Lord of } the Ring has the reverse configuration. } } Some Tolkien Ring trivia: The nodes on a Tolkien Ring are usually } referred to as a "fellowship" because of their equal status (other than } the Lord). Because of an implementation of the TR using radio } telemetry, the command and response lines are sometimes called the Two } Towers or simply the towers. A little known fact is that the security } system at Graceland is a TR implementation. It has a special peanut } butter and banana detector poised to announce the return of the King. } Error detection and correction is handled through a high speed } pseudo-redundancy scheme. TR designers coined the term for its } throughput based on the number of pseudo-redundant (similar) } transmissions per second, or one similar-million per second -- } shortened and mangled into "silmarillion". } } You owe the Oracle a bag of subway Tolkiens. --- 928-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, what should I do next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are at a computer console in the university. Many people are } working here. There is a computer here } >inventory } You have: } A biology textbook } A never used study guide } A pair of blue pliers } A pillow from the love suit of the leather goddes of phobes } Your sword is glowing blue } You also have 96 zorkmids } } >stand up } You cant stand up with the keyboard in your lap } >take keyboard off lap } You remove the keyboard from your lap...and drop it. KLUTZ! } >look at lab aide } The lab aide is talking with somebody. She is not looking over here } yet. } >get keyboard } The keyboard was attacked by an army of army ants and is destroyed } The lab aide is heading over here } >RUN! } how? } >Stand up } with your chair still pulled in??? } >pull back chair } You pull back from the desk. } The Aide says, 'are you aware of our damage policy?' } >say no } the aide replies 'If you damage any part of a computer here, you must } pay for the entire thing.' } >smash computer with textbook and pliers } In a fit of vengance, you decide if you have to pay for it anyway, it } must die! You smash in the crt with the textbook and remove many wires } with the pliers. The aide stares at you in terror. } >stand up } The aide is running to the phone } >north } As you head to the door you notice the campus security aproaching, and } they look angry. } >Fight guards with sword } You do your best, but you just lack the training. } YOU ARE DEAD! } you reached the rank of sophmore in 453 moves } (R)estore (U)ndo R(e)start } } Zadoc! I told you never to link my text adventure games to the } suplicant answerering machine!..oh well, save me from having to zot } him. } } You owe the oracle, well..i'll visit you in purgatory once in awhile --- 928-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The land is plagued by a terrible curse. The evil empire of Micro$oft > has bought out Apple! The elders of my tribe have sent me to you, o > Oracle, to ask what may be done about this. Are we doomed forever to > use the horrid products of Bill Gates? Is there no way to stop the > Micro$oft juggernut? You are our last hope. How may we fight this > menace before it is too late? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle device not ready } Abort, Retry, Fail? --- 928-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Get Rich Quick!!! Before he escapes! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, if it weren't for the fact that you allude to a very } serious crime, I would ZOT you within a micron of your life. } However, you bring to light the colossal miscarriage of justice } surrounding the case of young multitrillionaire Richard Rich. } } One might assume that the Rich family fortune was built up over } generations of careful saving and investment. Not so. In fact, } Richie, using his boyish charm, defrauded millions and engaged in } every possible criminal act to amass his considerable wealth. Petty } theft, drug running (who would suspect such an innocent-looking } kid?), extortion, you name it - Richie Rich was involved. As his } wealth grew, so did his scope of operations; before he was six he } controlled the entire world's illegal drug supply, all U.S. law } enforcement, and many third world countries. All the while he built } himself up as a respected philanthropist, concealing his operations } through numerous false fronts. } } By now, Richie's victims are legion, but they cannot convince anyone } that such a charming young boy, known for his generosity, was } responsible for such worldwide evil. Just as you did, they cry "Get } rich quick!" in advertisements, Internet messages, letters circulated } via email and conventional mail, etc. In a misguided effort to } increase circulation of their message, some have even resorted to } making drastic promises of wealth to all those who would spread the } "get Rich quick" word. Thus did an important warning about the } Richie Rich empire go unheeded, as it seems to be only so much junk } mail. } } You owe the Oracle evidence linking Richie Rich to the murder that } turned Casper into a ghost. --- 928-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ##### > # # > # > ### > # > > # And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ? ? } ??????????? } ? ? } ??????????? } ? ? --- 928-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, only you can truly prevent forest fires, > please hear my pleas for help! > > Orrie, why is police headquarters in England called 'Scotland Yard'? > Shouldn't it be 'England yard'? > > Which of course leads to - what is police headquarters in Scotland > called?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's all part of a government scheme for greater unity within the } United Kingdom. Major public buildings _in_ England are named for } parts of the British Isles lying _outside_ England, to ensure that } none of the other regions think that England is getting favourable } treatment. } } Thus the headquarters of the Fire Service is Ireland House; the } Postal Main Office is located in Wales Street; and The Inland } Revenue have their offices in Isle Of Man Outside Toilet. } } Scottish Police Headquarters is called The Fewking Sassenach } Bastids Building. They're trying, but they haven't quite got the } hang of it yet. } } You owe the Oracle a government subsidy. --- 928-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh you omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient omnivore tellme > > What's the next fad after the Internet? I think its time to move on. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've gone to the movies! } } You've listened to the radio! } } You've watched hours and hours of television! } } But it's not good enough, is it? } } No, all of these media just lack that special something. And, more } importantly, they're all passe. } } Even the Internet -- the greatest thing since Jaws 3-D -- has turned } out to be something of a disappointment. Traffic is high, congestion } is rampant, and you knew that it was no longer cutting-edge when you } discovered that your grandmother has her own page on Geocities. No, } you need something new. Something now. Something with more sensory } stimulation than anything before it-- and you can be among the first to } get in on the action! } } *** REAL LIFE [tm] is the answer! *** } } Real Life [tm] combines a total-immersion interface with complete } sensory stimulation! You can SEE an apple, FEEL it, SMELL it, and } TASTE it, all in the comfort of your own home, while you HEAR a } full-featured soundtrack of local noises! } } Chat rooms? Who needs chat rooms, when you can speak to others in } real-time, in full-motion video -- in BILLIONS of colors, and analog } sound exceeding CD quality -- with no lag! On demand, 24/7! } } And forget MUDs -- walk outside and find an entire environment to } explore, featuring trees, mountains, suburban dwellings, various } weather systems, and more religious systems than you can shake a stick } at! And you'll even find a touch of magic in the eyes of a child... } } And what about all those .gifs you have cluttering up your hard } drive? You COULD ask one of our Real Life [tm] service representatives } about available "red light districts," but a more rewarding option is } to find a suitable partner and discover just what you've been missing } out on while you were surfing. You'll wonder how you ever managed } without it! } } Real Life [tm] is available around the globe. To order, simply } unplug your computer, sacrifice the CPU to the Internet Oracle, walk } outside, breathe in deeply, and say "Helllooooo, WORLD!" Very few } people have tried this lately, so you're sure to be a trendsetter! } Satisfaction guaranteed, or else you'll just have to buy a new } computer. But hey, that's life. } } You owe the Oracle a CPU, freshly sacrificed. --- 928-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me: what sort of "directed" e-mail > spam could I expect to receive if I cross-posted a message to > alt.skunks, comp.sys.apollo, rec.sport.cricket, soc.bi, rec.pets.herp, > alt.binaries.cracks.encrypted, misc.books.technical, > alt.flame.spelling, sci.agriculture.beekeeping, and > talk.politics.mideast? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I believe it would go something like this: } } GREETINGS FELLOW WEB SURFER! } HERE'S THE LATEST NEW PUBLICATION FROM IDEEG BOOKS!!! } } CRICKET FOR DUMMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } HAVEN'T YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY, BUT JUST WEREN'T SURE JUST EXACTLY } HOW TO GET STARTED?!!? WELL NOW, WITH THIS AMAZING BOOK, YOU CAN } BEGIN YOUR JOURNEY INTO THE FASCINATING WORLD OF CRICKET!! } LEARN ALL THE FUNDAMENTALS- PITCHING, BATTING, STRUTTING ABOUT!! AS } WELL AS MANY INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THIS AMAZING SPORT!!!!!! } HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE MYRIAD POINTS COVERED IN THIS NEW BOOK!:::: } } CRICKET TECHNIQUES!---- } } -THE SNAKE IN THE GRASS PITCH } } -THE MONGOOSE TIED TO THE POLE BATTING RESPONSE TO THE SNAKE IN THE } GRASS PITCH } } -THE HONEYCOMB DEFENSE!!!!! } } -THE POOH BEAR OFFENSE!!!!!!!!!!!! } } -HOW TO SKUNK YOUR OPPONENT WITH FULL BOURGEOIS STYLE } } -ISRAELI RULES CRICKET!!!! A FAST PACED, EXCITING NEW } VARIATION!!!!!! } } CRICKET TRIVIA!------ } } -THE GROWING INTEREST IN THE SPORT AMONG THE GAY/LESBIAN/BISEXUAL } POPULATION, AND HOW TO KEEP YOUR BATS AWAY FROM YOUR BSDM FRIENDS } } -THE SECRET TO DECIPHERING THE INSIDER CRICKETONGUE FLOWING BACK AND } FORTH ALONG THE INTERNET. (YOU'LL REALLY "KNOW THE CODE" NOW!!!) } } -LEARN HOW THE MANAGEMENT OF APOLLO COMPUTER SYSTEMS IS ARRANGED LIKE A } CRICKET TEAM, AND HOW THEIR OFFICE IS ACTUALLY SHAPED LIKE A CRICKET } FIELD. } } AND BECAUSE IT'S PART OF OUR "FOR DUMMIES" LINE, IT'S ALL LAID OUT IN } MIND BOGGLINGLY SIMPLE DETAIL!!!! YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED!! } ORDER YOURS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!! } } You owe the oracle a cricket bat and a good spanking. --- 928-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > we have numerous birds that summer and nest in the northern hemisphere > and spend our winters south of the equator. why oh oracle most wise do > we not have birds that nest in the southern hemisphere in the summer > and then migrate north to spend their winters in our summers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Birds don't like the Southern Hemisphere. The water in their birdbaths } drains the wrong way. } } Those that can fly far enough to leave have already done so, leaving } those birds unable to migrate. It's much like Detroit. } } You owe the Oracle a pheasant upside-down cake.