From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sat Oct 25 11:22:41 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.12) id LAA14095; Sat, 25 Oct 1997 11:22:41 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 25 Oct 1997 11:22:41 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199710251622.LAA14095@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #953 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 953 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #953 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 25 Oct 1997 11:22:41 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 953 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 948 78 votes bppf2 3lui6 ftma2 5prf6 7kph9 5mAf0 4bukd 9ntf2 5klma bnqf3 948 2.9 mean 2.6 3.0 2.4 2.9 3.0 2.8 3.3 2.7 3.2 2.7 --- 953-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose knowledge and greatness spans the infinite number of > space-time continuum infinities, please answer the query of this lowly > one ... > > Amongst the rules for a recent contest, I heard this clause ... "If you > are at least 21 years of age, or older ..." Is this just a redundancy, > or is there some deeper hidden meaning I cannot ascertain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O detail-conscious supplicant, } } It is not a redundancy, but a "year 2000" issue. Think how lousy you } would feel holding a winning ticket on your 22nd birthday in the year } 2004, for instance, and being ruled ineligible because, due to computer } error, you were only -82 years old. The "or older" clause allows for } those who are of negative age but are older than someone who is 21. } (21-year old people will exist only in theory until January 1, 2021, } but why split hairs?) Good thing someone's planning ahead. } } You owe the Oracle a year 10,000 patch. Gotta start early in case } programmers become extinct. --- 953-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, darling, my true love! > > This Christmas, I was thinking of sending you, over a twelve-day > period, the following: > > 12 Drummers Drumming, > 22 Pipers Piping, > 30 Lords-a-Leaping, > 36 Ladies Dancing > 40 Maids-a-Milking, > 42 Swans-a-Swimming, > 42 Geese-a-Laying, > 40 Gold Rings, > 36 Calling Birds, > 30 French Hens, > 22 Turtle Doves, > -and- > 12 Partridges in 12 Pear Trees. > > Do you have room for all of this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh future partner and light of my life etc. } } I have previously been sent such assemblages of gifts, and had no } trouble stowing them in my Oracular palace. Unfortunately we had the } Norse Pantheon over for Christmas dinner (a rather cheerful secular } holiday, considering the populations preference for worship here) and } they killed and roasted the animals right there in the lounge room, } pulling apart a few of the tables for firewood. The Pipers, Lords and } Drummers were used for throwing practice, the maidens and ladies } provided tabletop, floor and anywhere-the-damned-Vikings-could-lie-down } entertainment and the gold rings were used as egg-cups for the } hard-boiled goose eggs. } } Those Vikings really know how to have a good time, but they left } feathers and entrails on the carpet. } } Something in rubber might be nice as an alternative. --- 953-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Astute one, > > Is Carbon Dating anything like Military Dating? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They are quite different, but with similar results. } } Carbon date: Your date pours concentrated sulphuric acid on you, and } all that is left is a smelly chunk of carbon. This technique is not } recommended for any but the most desperate. } } Military date: You begin manoevres at precisely 2045, and engage the } enemy (your date) at 2105. Unexpected troops arrive at 2145, just as } action was starting to get interesting. You try to sneak away, but } instead are buried at half-staff with full honours. Explanation is } unnecessary and impossible. } } You owe the Oracle reports on your next two dates. --- 953-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose hangovers rival the famed Garden of Babylon, > please tell me... > > Why don't corn flakes taste good with bourbon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's because you're mixing incompatible grains. If you really want } cereal to go with your bourbon, I suggest you stick to Rye Chex. Corn } flakes don't really go with anything much, other than some really } horrible whiskey which you probably wouldn't want to waste your money } on. } } In case you were wondering, here's what the experts recommend you put } on various other types of cereal: } } Rice Krispies Sake } } Froot Loops Various liqueurs or schnapps } } Raisin Bran Wine (Bordeaux recommended) } } Sugar Snaps (or any other Rum } sugar-frosted cereal) } } Cocoa Krispies Creme de cacao } } Barley Puffs Scotch (single-malt for } name-brand cereal; blended is } fine for the generic } supermarket brand) } } Note that beer should never be poured on cereal. Beer is meant to be } served with cold leftover pizza. Tequila should be saved and used on } that really old cereal at the back of the cabinet that's got weevils } living in it. } } You owe the Oracle a cookbook for bachelors. --- 953-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most academically-ept, who never procrastinates and always > gets 100%, > *** > You are in a home office. The exit is to the east. In the > northwest corner there is a Pentium running Win95, with 17" monitor and > color Deskjet, currently off. In the southwest corner, you see a > 486dx-33, currently displaying PROCOMM PLUS for Windows (3.11) on its > 14" monitor; the lights on the modem indicate that a connection is > active, although you can't tell what it is from here. The B&W inkjet > connected to the 486 is on, and a small pile of papers rests atop it. > You have a headache from caffeine withdrawal. > >I > In your hand: > a pile of papers > a 20-oz bottle of Jolt > In your pockets: > 7 cents (pennies) > wad of tissue, partly used > Uniball Vision pen > 2 cheap Bic clicky-pencils > >READ PAPERS > The papers are lab handouts and spectrophotometer data for five > Chemical Structure labs, due this Tuesday, next Tuesday, and the > previous three Tuesdays. You remember that one point is being deducted > for each day, from each lab grade, and shudder. > >DRINK JOLT > Your headache vanishes as you open the bottle, and you feel a > caffeine rush immediately after drinking. Note well the conditioned > response of the caffeine-dependent body. It will be on some test, some > time, you can be sure. > You feel hungry. > >DISCARD TISSUES > You throw the wad of tissue in the office trash can. > >EAST > You are in the living room. Exits are to the east (front > hallway) and to the west (office). > >EAST > You are in the front hallway. Exits are to the south (front > door) and to the east (dining room). > >EAST > You are in the dining room. Exits are to the north (kitchen) and > to the east (front hallway). > >NORTH > You are in the kitchen. The exit is to the south (dining room). > Stairs lead down to the basement. > >LOOK > You are in the kitchen. To the south, a swinging door leads to > the dining room. Stairs lead down to the basement. > There are three cabinets and three drawers. > Appliances here: > Telephone > Stove > Oven > Dishwasher > Sink > Microwave > Toaster > Coffee Maker > Refridgerator > On the kitchen counter: > Full bag of uncooked whole-wheat Rotelli > A box of tomato soup mix, two packets remaining > >COOK NOODLES WITH SOUP > (10 minutes later) > You have prepared a delicious meal of tomato & noodle soup. > >EAT SOUP > Mmmm. You no longer feel hungry. > >RETURN OFFICE > You are in a home office. The exit is to the east. > >LOOK COMPUTER > Which computer? > >486 > The 486 is running PROCOMM PLUS for Windows. The modem is > connected at 24000bps, REL/LAPM to UMB dialup. On the screen is the > email program "Pine", displaying a message to The Internet Oracle > written in a generic text-adventure format. You feel an urge to > complete the message, but a voice in your head (perhaps your ex) nags > at you to do your lab reports before playing. > > > *** > What now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >TYPE R } The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then it shows the } following message: } [supplicants question included] } *** } What now? } > TYPE R } The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then it shows the } following message: } [supplicants question included] } *** } What now? } > TYPE R } The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then it shows } the following message: } [supplicants question included] } *** } What now? } > TYPE R } The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then it } shows the following message: } [supplicants question included] } *** } What now? } > TYPE R } The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then } it shows the following message: } [supplicants question included] } *** } What now? } > TYPE R } The machine flutters and yawks for a while, } then it shows the following message: } [supplicants question included] } *** } What now? } > TYPE R } The machine flutters and yawks for a } while, then it shows the following message: } [supplicants question included] } *** } What now? } > TYPE R } The machine flutters and yawks for } a while, then it shows the following } message: } [supplicants question included] } *** } What now? } > TYPE R } . } . } . } . } . } . } . } . } . } [ By now you've eaten so much soup, that you ] } [ will likely burst into a supernova or ] } [ collapse into a black hole. Let's take a ] } [ step beyond infinity and see the outcome ] } [ of this adventure... ] } . } . } . } . } . } . } . } . } . } Just as you finish your very witty } reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. } A single message pops up: } Stack overflow } >PRESS RESET } Just as you finish your very witty } reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. } A single message pops up: } Stack overflow } >PRESS RESET } Just as you finish your very witty } reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. } A single message pops up: } Stack overflow } >PRESS RESET } Just as you finish your very witty } reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. } A single message pops up: } Stack overflow } >PRESS RESET } Just as you finish your very witty } reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. } A single message pops up: } Stack overflow } >PRESS RESET } Just as you finish your very witty } reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. } A single message pops up: } Stack overflow } >PRESS RESET } Just as you finish your very witty } reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. } A single message pops up: } Stack overflow } >PRESS RESET } Just as you finish your very witty } reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. } A single message pops up: } Stack overflow } >PRESS RESET } Just as you finish your very witty } reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. } A single message pops up: } Stack overflow } >PRESS RESET } The screen now shows: } Keyboard not found -- Press F1 } You hear an old laughing-machine from Cheers in the distance. } >LOOK COMPUTER } Which computer? } >PENTIUM } The Pentium is turned off. } >TURN ON PENTIUM } With a pleasing hum, the machine starts to boot. After the usual } unreadable gibberish, A lightly clouded sky shows up with the Win95 } logo. A message pops up: } McAfee's AntiVirus warning: Win95 virus found: removing... } >CLICK CANCEL } There is no "CANCEL" key } >PRESS ESC } Nothing happens. You suddenly notice the date on your computer. It } says: Jan 1, 1981 } You realise that the strange course of events took you back through } time. You may still be on time to finish your reports! } >LOOK CLOCK } The clock on the desk says: jan 1, 2081 7:31 am } Bummer. With a grin you picture that old hag of an ex of yours, that is } now 120. } >EAST } You don't fit through the door. } >BARF } You squeeze up a gallon of tomato-soup with noodles } >EAST } You still don't fit through the door. } All of a sudden, the dungeon collapses. } } -- } You owe the Oracle the recipe for that soup --- 953-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most momentous majestical maharajah, what really happens when an > irresistible force meets an immovable object? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa and I tire each other out. } } You owe the Oracle some PRIVACY. --- 953-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, le plus de formidble! Ce supplicateur plus mauvais se > demande-vous ce question. Repondez s'il vous plait! > > Comment allez-vous? Et avec Lisa? Comment va Zadoc? Qu'est-ce que > vous fait ce soir? Voulez-vous venir a chez moi? Nous peuvons jouer > de poker, avons un peu du bieres. Est-ce que il sonne bien? A 8 > heures? Bon! A bientot. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh great, another one in French ... Where is that dictionary? ... I } don't know why they can't just take Jerry Lewis and keep to themselves } ... Zadoc! Where's my French-English dictionary? Zadoc! ... Who do I } look, like, L'Oracle d'Internette or something? ... Zadoc! ... Oh, } forget it. } } Let's see ... I'm formidable ... good ... The supplicant is wearing a } plus-size mauve outfit and demands a question ... hmm ... something } about repossessing a silver plate ... } } Do I comment all my code? ... Do I have Lisa? ... Pretty cheeky little } supplicant here ... Are my comments written by Zadoc? Incredible! ... A } queue is a queue, it's fate, sir ... hmm ... Cheese with veneer ... } Nose peons form a poker jury ... Avon lady brings bad-smelling beer ... } My good son waits in the queue ... with eight prostitues ... a good } lad. } } Well, supplicant, it seems as though your son has fallen in with a bad } crowd. Perhaps the lacquered cheese and the Avon lady's beer have } gotten to his senses. That would explain the nose peons, and possibly } the gambling indictment. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I don't } understand why, when your son needs you, you're concerned about my } programming style and my intimate affairs. But then, you didn't ask } for an answer, you demanded a question. So here you go: } } Where did you get that mauve number? It makes you look like a loose } woman yourself. } } You owe the Oracle that silver platter. --- 953-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I'm having some difficulty with an > extremely important scientific project. Can you help me > solve it, please? Let me explain... > > As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 > degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this > means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally > consisting of water in large part), the natural processes > which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during > the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the > only available source, your body fat. > > For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C > (32.2 degrees F) will, in a short time, be raised to the > normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F). > For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes > approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average > dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by > operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 > cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body > fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. > > Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the > net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. > > Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you > are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your > goal. > > This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer > in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent > calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. > portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the > net calorie lss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It > doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 > calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the > body in the process of drinking a can of beer. > > Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, > since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to > 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them > to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, > and it beats running hands down. > > Well, I've been experimenting for several years, and I'm sad > to report that my experimental results do not agree with the > theory above at all. What went wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The Internet Oracle walks up to the gates of Heaven...] } } [Saint Pete sez] "Myeeeezzzzzz?" } "I've got question for the big guy, Pete. Run along and fetch } him, won't you?" } "Right away, sir." } ... } "YES, MR. ORACLE, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?" } "I'm a bit irked about the current version of Humanitas, } actually; it's still not fully case sensitive, you know." } "YES, THE PATCH IS A BIT SKETCHY. I'M STILL NOT QUITE SURE WHY } YOU THOUGHT THEY NEEDED TWO CASES, ANYWAY; I DO FINE WITH JUST ONE." } "Well, they *are* made in your image, but they aren't quite up to } the original standard. F'rinstance, I've got one supplicant right now } who can't tell the difference between a calorie and a Calorie. } "OH, IS THAT SO? THAT'S OK, THERE'S A RUNTIME KLUDGE FOR THAT: } CALL THE LATTER A 'FOOD CALORIE'." } "Well, yeah, but that's hardly a general solution to the problem. } I expect you to get to work on that right away, bud, or maybe I'll have } to think about transfering control of the Humanitas project to Zeus. } *He*, at least, got stuff done." } "I'LL DO MY BEST, MR. ORACLE." } [The Internet Oracle tramps back upstairs to His computer] } } Okay, so anyway: the food Calorie is 1000 heat calories, so if } you eat a 1,200 Calorie dessert, you need to use up 1.2 million heat } calories to cancel it out. At 83 cal/gm to melt, and 37 cal/gm to } heat, your typical frozen dessert uses up only 20,160 cal on its way to } body temperature. That leaves you with a good 1,179,840 cal to burn } off. } Of course, you could repeat the same argument at a lower } temperature; let's see how cold your ice cream would have to be to } cancel out its fat and sugar content, Caloriewise: } You need to get rid of 1.2 million heat calories by warming your } 168-gm mostly-water dessert. Melting it takes care of 13,944 cal, } leaving you with 1,186,056 cal to burn. Dividing that by the 168 gm } present, assuming 1 cal/(gm*degree), we get a required change in } temperature of approximately 7060 degrees Celsius, for an initial } temperature of -6750 K if you want to raise it to body temperature. So } take heart! All you have to do to lose weight by eating ice cream is } chill it to several thousand degrees below absolute zero. Get to work! } } You owe the Oracle an argument using quantum field theory to } nullify the laws of thermodynamics, a heat sink at -6751 K, a perfect } heat engine, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. --- 953-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why she don't love me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your poor grammar perhaps it is? } } You owe the Oracle an exam on the current state of the English language } in urban environments and how it has been modified over time. Ready? } You may begin. --- 953-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I erase a word with a eraser, where does it go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in } the wind. (It's also getting into your computer and clogging things } up real good.) } } You owe the Oracle an air filter.