From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jan 6 00:10:31 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.14) id AAA03582; Tue, 6 Jan 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199801060510.AAA03582@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #970 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 970 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #970 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 970 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 965 94 votes bsBd5 9utk6 2muw8 9uAb8 7lxlc 2eqvl ertg8 ngon8 4kAld 3gqBc 965 3.0 mean 2.7 2.8 3.2 2.8 3.1 3.6 2.8 2.8 3.2 3.4 --- 970-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Orrie, > > It's been some time since I wrote you - but I was in > line in the 'camera section' today at K-mart and I saw Lisa. The > cashier handed her back some pictures, and she started flipping through > them, giggled about some Xmas pictures she'd taken - and when she got > to one picture, she let out a short yelp, turned greenish-blue - and > fainted! I am just writing, oh great and wise friend, hoping that all > is okay... and I was hoping you could explain the picture that caused > this... > > Yours truly, > > a lowly > supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear lowly, } } Thanks for your note. Lisa is fine... just fine. She's resting well and } should be back up and around in no time. } } Well, the annual Christmas (it's *not* "Xmas," dear) bash was a } success, as expected. Odin got drunk, as usual, and tried to cleave } everyone's head off, as usual (thank goodness we always disarm him } before he gets to the belligerent-drunk stage and substitute a tinfoil } sword in his scabbard). Satan got bellicose, as always, and tried to } Damn everyone in sight. Buddha just sat in the corner and smiled a lot, } of course. Mohammed didn't show, as per usual. Surprisingly, the Small } Greys showed up this year, although they seemed to confuse Christmas } with Halloween. They tried to kidnap a couple of the gods, but we soon } put a stop to that, I can tell you. None of that } let's-experiment-on-earthlings in *my* temple, I can tell you! } } Zadoc got squiffy and put a lampshade on his head. Unfortunately, he } forgot to take it off the lamp and the short-circuit fried his hair, so } now he looks like some boxing promoter. } } The Gates Stew went over marvelously, I can tell you. Also, the } Bean-Dip-Formerly-Known-As-Prince was a great success! } } Kali was a bore, of course, but what can you expect? All those slides } of the temples at Pagan! I ask you: If you've seen 1,549, you've seen } 'em all... It's all friction and lubrication, after all. } } Well, the big news was when Mercury and Eros showed up. Late, of } course. *We* knew why they were late, but they pretended that nothing } was amiss... Then, Mercury went off with Quetzecotl (those guys!) and } Eros managed to corner Lisa in the kitchen. Next thing they knew, Napi } (the Blackfeet god) was snapping away with the camera. Well, Lisa was } too busy (and too drunk) to notice what Napi was doing... } } Lisa and I slept in late on Boxing Day and on Saturday Lisa took all } the film off to K-Mart for their One-Hour Special. That's must have } been when you saw her. When she finally got home, I saw the photos. } Hot, hot, hot! } } By the way, for only $9.95, you, too, can see the photographs at: } } http://www.cs.indiana.edu/christmas97/lisa&eros.html } } All major credit cards accepted! } } You owe the Oracle $9.95. --- 970-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julsy" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Nothing hurts like your mouth And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ..after an extended Oracular sucking-up session." } } more words of wisdom from Zadoc, Priest of the Internet Oracle --- 970-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most enormous, what are your psychic predictions for 1998? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Microsoft announces a new operating system hailed to be a } breakthrough in ease of use and performnce. In reality it is } a breakthrough in extracting money from peoples wallets and will } consist of bug-fixes and catch-ups. } } 2. In a new twist to the "Think Different" campaign, Apple Computer } releases system 8.01 which includes the new Windows 98 patch to make } the whole experience identical on both platforms. Steve Jobs denys } it is due to the completion of the buyout by Microsoft. } } 3. Sun Microsystems move their "100% Real Java" campaign into the } coffee shops. } } 4. In a calculated move to gain the support of the younger voters } Bill Clinton admits to smoking Marijuana when he was younger. "But I } didn't inhale" an contrite Clinton adds. Republicans are unanimous in } denouncing him as a moral regenerate, while Democrats hold him up as } a man of men. After his dog craps on the white house carpet one too } many times he sends it to the sausage factory and replaces it with } a stuffed one. } } 5. The Sixth,Seventh and Eighth Spice Girl's, "Happy", "Sleepy" } and "Grumpy" Spice make their own movie "Sugar and Spice". } } 6. Budweiser commences saturation advertising on the Cartoon Network. } Officers of the company are adamant this is not an attempt to encourage } underage drinking. "Budweiser is America's Beer" they say "we just } think that everyone should have the chance to see these adds, thats } what democracy is about". } } 7. In a shock revelation the Inquiry into the death of Princess Diana } will reveal that the "Man on the Grassy Knoll" was seen in Paris not } one month before the accident which took her life. On this evidence } the French Government declares war on the FBI. --- 970-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's see... } } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } Tick... } Tock... } } Oh? Made it down this far, did you? Okay, I guess you deserve an } answer... } } Buy into the South Korean stock market at 04:01 am EST on Feburary } 21st, 1998. } } Get *out* of yen futures before 04:05 am EST on Feburary 21st, 1998. } } Go long on construction equipment before 04:05 EST on February 21st, } 1998. } } Bet on the Jets. } } Sell any land you own in Haiti before March 1, 1998. } } Buy all the chickens you can in Hong Kong before March 3, 1998. } } Don't go outside, whatever you do, on April 2, 1998. } } Buy all the skinblock you can before April 2, 1998. } } Sell South Afican stocks before April 2, 1998. } } Make as many friends as you can with the Tall Greys. } } Learn to eat cactus. Raw. } } Stay away from New York, Washington, D.C., London, Moscow, Peking, } Seoul, San Francisco, Dallas, Taipei, Hong Kong, San Palo, } Paris, Berlin and Chicago during the first week of May. } } Buy lots of wheat, corn, beef, chicken (but *not* from Hong Kong), } duck, rabbits, rats, kangaroo, ferrets, rats, mice, cockroaches, } crickets, ants and any other source of protein you can find. } } Get lead. Lots of lead. } } Find some way to leave this planet. Fast. Before October 21st... } } Duck. } } Other than that, don't worry about anything at all. Just sit back and } enjoy the show. Have a good time. Don't worry; be happy. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to Exodus Seven (in the New Britain system) } now. I mean *right now*! --- 970-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great, Grand, and Glorious Oracle, > I'm thinking of buying a fire proof chest. Can you recommend > a good one? What features should I look for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you fail to specify male or female chest. I'll assume you meant } female chest, because in this incarnation that's more fun for me to } pontificate about. } } Were I you, I'd look for, ummm, solidity of construction, first. We'll } refer to this as "firmness". You also may want to consider size. I } know I do. Let's consider it together, for a moment. Ahhh. Wasn't } that enjoyable? } } Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Firmness, size, resistance to heat. } Most chests of this type could be considered somewhat resistant to } heat, but to actual real live fire? Not likely. They're definitely } not resistant to cold, as you can tell just by looking, usually. } } So, a fireproof chest? I suppose, depending on who you work for, your } chest could determine whether you could be fired or not. It'd be tough } for them to keep *just* the chest, wouldn't it? I mean, unless you } work for a taxidermist. --- 970-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most informed, please tell me... > > Is it true that William Kennedy was giving a lift home on his skis to a > young woman when he had that unfortunate accident? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That will never be proven, until 30 years from now, Oliver Stone } Jr. produces a shocking biography that brings together all the elements } of a massive conspiracy. The crowning point will be the discovery that } the real killer was a psychotic individual who was tortured by a man } named "William" in his youth. No one will have made the connection } until old mail records of the Internet Oracle turn up, revealing that a } certain supplicant was tricked into believing that Michael Kennedy's } first name was actually "William". The day after the movie opens, } storm troppers will break into the supplicant's house and shoot him } dead on the spot. } } You owe the Oracle a way to keep this out of the Digest. For your own } good. --- 970-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most culinarily creative, how does one get fresh seafood in > Indiana? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wear a large raincoat with plastic bags in the pockets, and make sure } no one in the pet shop sees you. } } You owe the Oracle a rainbowfish filet. --- 970-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are walking down a crowded city street. You are carrying an > ordinary 1911 or 1911A1 in .45ACP with an 8 round magazine, cocked and > locked with one in the chamber, strong side concealed carry. > > As you walk, minding your own business, you notice a *really* scruffy > looking character up ahead, who seems to be hassling people. First > question: what do you do? > > Whatever your answer to the first question, assume that you continue > walking in the same direction, minding your own business. You > approach the scruffy character and notice he has long uncombed hair, > appears unwashed, and his clothing is torn. > > As you maneuver in the crowd to avoid this creature, he suddenly is in > front of you, blocking your way. > > He says, "Hey man, I'm a mathematician. What's the logarithm of > 1000?" > > You didn't bother to read those posts about logarithms on the tactics > list, so, while cursing yourself for a fool, you realize you can't > answer. Besides, would giving this nut-case the correct answer (3) do > more harm than good? The second question is: what do you do now? > > Whatever your answer to the second question, we now assume that you > are penned in with this guy in the crowd. He becomes very agitated. > He says "Anyone knows what the log of 1000 is! Look I'm a > mathematician! I used to work at Bezerkely! What the formula for > deciBels??? Tell me or I'll kill you!" > > He appears unarmed, but his voice is incredibly loud, especially when > he says the word "deciBels." You wish that you had a sound meter with > you to measure the loudness of his voice, but then realize that you > don't really know what a deciBel is anyway, so what's the difference? > Third question: what do you do now? > > Whatever your answer to the third question, assume that the guy going > mathematical on you becomes more violent. He starts jumping up and > down in this crowd while you are penned in, poking you in the chest > with his finger. He starts babbling stuff like "You're so stupid man, > you didn't even ask if I meant base 10 logs! Or discrete logs! > Morons, all of you! You don't even know what a decibel is! You > deserve to die!" With that, he takes out a large ball-peen hammer, > and takes up a pose that is definitely offensive, and says, "this is > the same brand hammer that whats-his-name, that mathematician, used to > kill his wife! Now I'm going to kill you! And then everyone else I > can find!" He starts quoting from _Principia Mathematica_ (this is > verified later, as the entire incident was videotaped by a tourist > from Amsterdam). I would write the quotes, and this marvelous new > proof I have, but unfortunately web browsers lack the symbols in their > margins. Or something like that. > > The crowd, instead of running away, presses closer. You are now in > intimate concact with this nut case, and can not (now) run away, or > get any sort of cover. The hammer still has it's price sticker on it, > so there is a slim chance that it will be defective and break on your > skull, but you can't count on that. You can barely access your > pistol. Amidst the crowd yelling at *you* (things like "Look what > you've done to him you idiot! Why didn't you ever learn what a > logarithm was!" and "Now you've gotten Ted all riled up because you > don't know what a decibel is you fool!") and getting ugly in itself, > the hammer approacheth. The crowd is definitely mad at YOU for some > reason. > > Final question: what do you do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An interesting question, supplicant. I'll ignore the lack of grovel } for now, since I've noticed that more and more grovel-less questions } are making the digests these days. Still, I believe this question came } up in Oracle Ethics of Humanity Management in the Sciences and } Mathematics 401 when I was in Graduate School at the Mt. Olympus } Academy of Arts and Sciences. } } To start with, there are several flaws in your premise: } } > > You are walking down a crowded city street. You are carrying an } > > ordinary 1911 or 1911A1 in .45ACP with an 8 round magazine, cocked } > > and locked with one in the chamber, strong side concealed carry. } } *I* would always clear the streets first, and no weapon I carry would } be "ordinary" } } > > As you walk, minding your own business, } } I'm omniscient, *everything* is *my* business } } > > you notice a *really* scruffy } > > looking character up ahead, who seems to be hassling people. First } > > question: what do you do? } } Hmm, ZOT staff is too obvious, besides, the priesthood would prefer I } go easy on that. (actually, so would the EPA and ASPCS - American } Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Supplicants). Ok. I'm a New } Age kind of guy aside from being armed to the teeth and prepared to } exert deadly force, I'll calmly and quietly continue my trajectory } toward the questionable individual. } } > > He says, "Hey man, I'm a mathematician. What's the logarithm of } > > 1000?" } } "Well, hello, my good man, I'm The Oracle, and is that base 10 or } natural?"[Your mistake supplicant, you see, I *do* know the answer is 3 } or 6.9 for: ln (1000) } Why must you mortals assume that omnipotent beings are no better than } spoiled brats? } Ok, well, Zeus *is* a good example, but don't tell him I said that.] } } Oh, well, *presume* I couldn't answer... } } > > Whatever your answer to the second question, we now assume that you } > > are penned in with this guy in the crowd. He becomes very } > > agitated. He says "Anyone knows what the log of 1000 is! Look I'm } > > a mathematician! I used to work at Bezerkely! What the formula } > > for deciBels??? Tell me or I'll kill you!" } } Foolish supplicant, 10* log (louder/softer noise)!Obviously, we have } here a Berzerker! We must refer to Fred Saberhagen for advice... } "Goodlife here, none but goodlife, machinelife must survive" } Whoops, that won't do. } Ah, let's see, Nitrous Oxide (just say NO!) } ... sodium pentothal, too slow, } ... ZOT staff used as a quarter staff... we could either do a chop to } the knees, or the butt of the staff in the solar plexus. } Oh, yes... my favorite, the Mr.Spock pinch. } } > > You wish that you had a sound meter with } > > you to measure the loudness of his voice, but then realize that you } > > don't really know what a deciBel is anyway, so what's the } > > difference? } } Actually, that's sound *pressure* meter, and I'd put him at 85-87 dB. } Of course, white noise always seems so much louder than pink or red } noise. } } > > He starts jumping up and } > > down in this crowd while you are penned in, poking you in the chest } > > with his finger. He starts babbling stuff like "You're so stupid } > > man, you didn't even ask if I meant base 10 logs! Or discrete } > > logs! Morons, all of you! You don't even know what a decibel is! } > > You deserve to die!" } } Again, your lack of foresight dooms your supposition. As you see, I } can answer each of these questions, therefore we must assume that the } poor chap is either A) deaf, B) in a state of monomania, or C) on PCP. } } > > With that, he takes out a large ball-peen hammer, } > > and takes up a pose that is definitely offensive, and says, "this } > > is the same brand hammer that whats-his-name, that mathematician, } > > used to kill his wife! Now I'm going to kill you! And then } > > everyone else I can find!" He starts quoting from _Principia } > > Mathematica_ } } I suppose it was too much to ask for him to be quoting the Kama Sutra.I } won't even start with the shortcomings of your web browser... } } > > The crowd, instead of running away, presses closer. } } Yes, just like the paparazzi, isn't it. } } > >The crowd is definitely mad at YOU for some } > > reason. } } Have you ever noticed when things are going well, mortals are so proud } of themselves, yet when things go bad, they always turn on the } deities/prophets/seers/soothsayers/messengers of doom, etc. etc. } } > > Final question: what do you do now? } } You know, I got this far on momentum, now I have to think up a clever } answer without resorting to ZOT, hysterical laughter, Zadoc, Lisa, } Steve Kinzler, invoking the image of Bill Gates as Satan, quoting Paul } Kelly's Fish, insulting Ian, (or Otis) or mispelling Kirsten's name } } > > } } OK. here goes. } I'm well armed, and good-looking. The nut case is disheveled and his } breath SMELLS BAD. I've got it all over him. To start with, I ask him } to calculate the square mileage of the earth, I need it for another } answer. When he responds with an equation based on pi times r-cubed, I } triumphantly shout NO!, That's volume, not surface area. This shocks } the bum into some semblance of rationality (Let's not push it). Now I } bear down on him: "Some Mathematician *you* are, you weren't *really* } at Berkely, were you?" "No," he mutters, "No, I was at Indiana." } "AHA!" I shout. "And you were passed over for tenure because you spent } too much time websurfing, didn't you!" } "Yes," he mutters, even more softly. } "Well," I exclaim, rubbing my hands together. "For this disruption you } shall pay the ultimate price." } "Please sir, I'll do whatever you say, just don't throw me in that } briar patch." } "Hunh?" (I'm *sooooo* profound). } "Well, you always tell supplicants that they owe you something, and you } were just about to tell me to prove that x-to-the-nth-power plus } y-to-the-nth equals z-to-the-nth is solvable for values of N greater } than 2, right?" "Uhm," I say, stalling for time, "Well, actually I was } thinking of having you figure out a generic formular for calculating } the first 100 transcendant prime numbers..." } "Child's play," he said straightening up to his full height for the } first time, a truly terrifying sight. "No, it must be much more } difficult than that." } "What about this: 'I always lie, and I'm telling you a lie now?'" } "Star Trek drivel" the MathManiac roars, with red eyes flashing and the } sound of a freight train rumbling in the distance. } } Uh, supplicant you got me into this, 'You owe the Oracle a way ou...' } "NO! I'VE GOT IT!" } "Mr Mathematician, solve *this* one! Where have the Digests been for } the last 2 weeks?" } } } "NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo..............." } } Thank you, you owe the Oracle..., hm, something juicy for this one... } Yes, perfect... You *owe* the Oracle. } . } -- } I never do this, but just this once, } Oracle Incarnated as Dr.Rob, rhampson at bgsm dot edu } http://www.bgsm.edu/bgsm/physpharm/faculty/reh/hampson.htm --- 970-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dagnabbit, Great Oracle, I need your help. (I'd grovel here, but I've > run out of time. Besides, you've seen my grovels before and know how > lousy I am at them, compared to your magnelephant greatness.) > > Here it is next year already, and I haven't finished a tenth of the > things I need to get done last year! Do you have a time compressor or > dilator (or whatever it is that I need), that you could let me borrow > for a while? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunate Time Poor Supplicant, } } Sure, I'd be happy to loan you my Personal Time Dilator. (Trust me, } the Time Compressor would only make matters worst.) } } I loaned it out to the National Procrastinator's Club, and they should } return it by next Tuesday. Hold on, that was supposed to be *last* } Tuesday. Oh well, as soon as they return it, I'll FedEx it to you. } It should be very helpful in completing your tasks this year. } } As far as the things you needed to get done last year, you might drop } a line to Mr. Wells and see if you can borrow his time machine. } } You owe the Oracle a round tuit. --- 970-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why do elephants have tusks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The elephant was a beta version of the walrus. We upgraded it } because it experienced problems (random freeze-ups and drownings) in } the more advanced operating environment it was originally designed for } - cold arctic water. However, the earlier version was found to be } popular in less developed operating systems, such as the african } savannah, so we never recalled it. I seem to remember, however, that } you humans are gradually phasing out that particular product of ours. } As for why walruses have tusks - well, the guys in marketing said } we needed something flashy or they wouldn't sell. Off the record, I } think better skin would have done the same thing - it would have been } only a minor engineering problem to make it compatible with the } insulation that was found to be necessary, and we were upgrading them } from the elephant anyway. But, I'm just an engineer. Nobody listens } to me. } } You owe the Oracle a collection of Godbert cartoons.