From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Feb 27 08:50:08 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.16) id IAA03352; Fri, 27 Feb 1998 08:50:08 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 27 Feb 1998 08:50:08 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199802271350.IAA03352@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #988 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 988 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #988 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 27 Feb 1998 08:50:08 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 988 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 983 97 votes 7uBi5 pypb2 6tvid aiCo7 euzd5 9qpod 2dtAh 4kEq7 druj8 bwtfa 983 2.9 mean 2.8 2.3 3.0 3.0 2.6 3.1 3.5 3.1 2.8 2.8 --- 988-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > can I have my chicken to go. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ogwa here. Ogwa say easy have chicken to go. Very difficult have } chicken to stay. } } Supplicant owe Ogwa Og come back kill chicken. --- 988-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, most fair, who would never be caught indulging in affairs > with interns... > > Could you provide a list of Presidential acts that would result in > impeachment? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure. It's a short list: } } 1. Getting caught. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of sunglasses. --- 988-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > YES NO HELL! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [SFX: Jeoperdy theme, applause] } } Announcer: Welcome to Jeopardy! } } Alex Trebek: Hello all, and welcome to today's show. Now we'd like to } introduce our home viewers to our contestants. Our reigning champion, } on the left, is the Oracle, with winnings totalling $42,592,500. [to } Orrie] So, how have you been? } } Orrie: No grovel! [SFX: Zot. Trebek's toupee flies smoking off towards } the rear of the set.] } } AT: Forgive me, great one. [to audience] Er, now, our second contestant } is a newcomer, Bill Clinton. [to Slick Willie] So, tell us about } yourself. } } Bill: Welp, ah'z bahn ahn razed iyn good ole' Arkansawr. Got ta be the } guv'ner thar, got laid, now ahm the preahsidunt. } } AT: [Whispers to Bill:] Cut down on the drawl. Hurts our ratings. You } can have, erm, 15 minutes alone with Bambi, the stage hand, if you do. } } Bill: [Smiles, Whispers back:] You're the boss. } } AT: Now, our third contestant is Reginald Smith. He's a graduate of } MIT, and is a computer programmer for Microsoft. [to Reg] So, how's } your life? } } Reg: Life? What life? I wake up at eight, fill out forms, and go to } sleep under my desk. Who ever said anything about a life? } } AT: Er, well, yes. Our categories are: [SFX: Category noise] } Martha Stewart } Juno } The Body Politic } Woodchucks } Oracularities } Literary Trivia } } AT: Being our reigning champion, control goes to the Oracle. } } Orrie: I'll take Oracularities for $100, Alex. } } AT: Humanity. } } Reg: [SFX: Buzz] What is the name for the human race? } } AT: No, sorry. You're $100 in the hole. } } Orrie: [SFX: Buzz] Who would win in a grudge match between Hanson and } the Spice Girls? } } AT: Right. $100 for our reigning champ. Orrie has control. } } Orrie: I'll take Oracularities for $200. } } AT: Trying for a digested response, are we? } } Bill: [SFX: Buzz] Humanitarian! } } AT: Sorry, not in the form of a question. } } Orrie: [SFX: Buzz] Should I become a humanitarian instead? } } AT: Right. Orrie now has $300, and control of the board. } } Orrie: I'll take The Body Politic for $100, Alex. } } AT: To keep his ankles warm. } } Bill: [SFX: Buzz] Why do I wear boxer shorts? } } AT: Right, for $100. Orrie has control, because otherwise he'd zot me. } } Orrie: I'll take Juno for $500, Alex. } } AT: YES NO HELL! } } Orrie: [SFX: Buzz] Should I zot you? Should you stay with Juno? Where } can I find you, to beat your brains out? } } AT: Right! } } You owe the oracle the rest of the script. --- 988-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > speaketh speaketh o i thee beggeth > > a thousand flower scents for thy nose > chorus of sirenes singeth for thy ear > the cosmos is unfolded to thy eyes > touched by the gods thy areth > > does she love me forever? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Verily, merrily, and forsooth } Harken us now to the passions of youth. } This lad bravely asks, and I shall bravely tell } Whether this turn out for ill or for well. } } A damsel's heart thee seeks for e'er and a day } But I, the Oracle, must sayeth "no way". } It pains me to tell thee so, my friend } But thy latest affair is doomed soon to end. } } 'Tis not for any fault of thy body nor thy soul } No pennance is possible to maketh it whole } Thy dreams are dashed, and the taste must be sour } 'Cause fifty bucks only buys thee an hour. } } Ye oweth the Oracle the skull of Yorrick. Alas, } I knew him well. --- 988-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey mighty Oracle! > > What does "23 skiddo" mean? I read this once somewhere, and it has > always bothered me. > > Thanks, And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, supplicant. } } Unfortunately, you've hit on a rather tricky question there. } "23 Skiddoo" is one of those rare phrases that exists simultaneously } in every parallel universe, but its definition is different } in each. ParaLinguists refer to such phrases as "MultiDimensional } CosmoHomoNomonyms," or colloquially as, "a big pain in our collective } linguistic ass." (Many linguists often resign from the profession } after spending inordinate amounts of time trying to document these } abberations, and only the most cunning are able to remain in the } field). } } Here are a couple of definitions from the dimensions nearest your own. } One of them is probably the right one for your world: } } -- The unit of currency in the remote South American tribe of } Umchataqua is a "Skidos," plural Skidoo. 23 Skidoo is the fixed market } price of a full-body massage from the tribe chieftan. } } -- In 1604, 23 Japanese men were prosecuted for allegedly stealing } the Emperor's trousers while he was sleeping. All the men proclaimed } their innocence, saying that the Emperor surely would have woken up } with 46 hands grabbing at his pants. The group, originally from the } village of Skidu (which was renamed shortly after the incident), } were known as the "Skidu 23." Publically exclaiming "23 Skidu" was } considered a sign of protest, and punishable by death. } } -- A phrase that originated in the 'Roaring Twenties,' "Twenty-Three } Skiddoo" was used to mean many things, including get lost, let's } go, or "Aha!" (Using all three meanings at once was reserved for } schizophrenics). The origin had either to do with a stage version } of Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities, a corner in New York City, or old } telegraphers code, where a 23 sent in Morse code meant "away with you!" } } -- "23 Skiddoo" is the punchline to the ancient Egyptian riddle, } "How many Skiddoo does it take to change a light bulb?" The riddle } was forever banned by Ramses II when he realized that no one in the } entire kingdom actually knew what a 'skiddoo' was, or for that matter, } a 'light bulb.' } } You owe the Oracle 23 full body massages, or the equivalent in currency } (the chieftan gives a mean rub). --- 988-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, hey, bye, bye > The Oracle will never die > Don't mention woodchucks, or you will fry > Hey, hey, bye, bye And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was a cold night in a bleak February. I sat behind my desk, } wondering if I could tell the landlord that his check had been lost in } alt.humor.oracle when my sidekick Zadoc made a typo on the header, } replacing 'rec' with 'alt'. My Scotch bottle in the top filing cabinet } drawer was no longer a quarter full, but three quarters empty. In } short, I was in a mood noir. I needed a case, preferably a high paying } one brought to me by a voluptuous brunette widow in a tight black } dress. } } Suddenly there was a rustling down the hall, and the distinct } click-click of high heeled shoes. I pulled my finger out of where it } had been an assumed the relaxed, somewhat bored pose of a great, but } unappreciated, detective, and waited for her to make her entrance. But } I was to be disappointed. Instead of the gentle feminine tapping on } the glass emblazoned: "EVITCETED ETAVIRP ,ELCARO .I" which was in the } script, a small slip of paper was thrust under the door instead. I } caught barely a glimpse of the messenger, but from that brief glimpse } of fur, I knew the worst: it was unmistakably a dreaded 5'8" brunette } woodchuck in high heeled shoes and a tight black dress. } } I wasn't going to get paid for this one. } } Reluctantly, I went to retrieve the slip of paper. It was the wrapper } from a stick of Big Red, the favored chewing gum of R.O.U.S. (Rodents } Of Unusual Size). Unfolding it, I deciphered the inelegant scrawl: } } > Hey, hey, bye, bye } > The Oracle will never die } > Don't mention woodchucks, or you will fry } > Hey, hey, bye, bye } } A death threat! To state that the Oracle would never die, but to then } encapsulate it with "Bye, bye" merely begs the question: When would I } die? The answer was also in the message: If I mentioned woodchucks. } The plot was becoming clear. Crazy Marvin (the giant woodchuck) and } his gang of R.O.U.S. were back in town, and they wanted me to stay mum. } If I didn't, they'd off me. This was just their friendly way of } letting me know. The brunette had been Marvin's squeeze, Matilda. At } least if he hadn't chucked her for a new one by this time. } } There was one thing they didn't have to worry about. The pigs would } not get word one out of me. It is not that I am adverse to answering } questions, but pigs just don't know how to grovel. You would think } that they would be great at it, spending all that time rooting about in } the mud like they do, but they get huffy about stereotyping, and refuse } to do it when even the most token grovel is called for. } } Where was I? Yeah, Crazy Marvin and his band of R.O.U.S. I'd had } dealings with them before. While I wouldn't go squealing to the pigs, } I also couldn't let them go about their nasty business unopposed. The } question was, where would a crazy woodchuck and his gang go about their } nefarious business? I had a hunch. } } (cut to scene of a snow-covered lumber yard, at night. It's a cold } night in February, remember?) } } Following the sound of lumber dropping on a metal surface, I looked } around the pile of uncut logs. Marvin's gang were handing him two by } fours, and he was throwing them into a rusted pickup that they had } parked on the other side of a chain link fence. I began to count. } When Marvin was finished, I had counted forty two by fours chucked into } the pickup. Plus the two I had heard land before my arrival, I had the } answer. A crazy giant woodchuck, assisted by a gang of R.O.U.S., on a } cold, dark night in February, would chuck forty-two two by fours into } the back of a pickup truck on the other side of a chain link fence, if } he could. Armed with this knowledge, I made my move. } } "Give it up, Marvin. The games over," I said, stepping into the open. } } They all turned towards me, trying to conceal their terror with } bluster. Marvin spoke up. "Well if it isn't Mr. I. Oracle, out } minding other people's business. I thought we told you to stay out of } this." The gang gathered around me, menacingly. Mickey, the giant rat, } began to take off his lily-white gloves. It was well known that he } always takes off his gloves before he does you; that's why they're } still white. Marvin went on, "What made you think you could take on } the whole R.O.U.S. gang? I always pegged you as the prudent, } omniscient type. Yet as I count it, there is one of you, and six of us. } What is to stop us from turning you into Oracle salad, an no one being } any the wiser?" (In fact, there were seven of them, but Marvin had } never been known for his higher math skills. Higher than three, that } is.) } } "Just one thing," I responded nonchalantly. "You see, I've been } watching you for a while now, so now I know the answer to the woodchuck } question. If you do me, I'll see that all my incarnations go and answer } that backlog of woodchuck questions we have sitting on the 'ZOT' pile. } You will be through, Marvin. Over. Out of the wood chucking business } once and for all. I mean, really, forty-two? You will be a laughing } stock among rodentia everywhere." } } As I spoke, Marvin's furry face grew paler and paler. "What do you } want me ta do?" he begged. } } "Put the wood back and get outta town. I never want to see our furry } snout around here again." } } That was it. A few word from Marvin, and the whole gang was unchucking } those two by fours faster than you could say "marmot." Matilda tried } to give me the eye. I guess after a night like that, she wanted to } chuck Marvin, and who could blame her? But she wasn't my species, so I } pretended not to notice. Ten minutes later, they were long gone, and } all I had to worry about was how I was going to pay the rent and how to } get the snow out of my boots. But my mood had changed, and I figured } that my dame, Lisa, would have some thoughts about the latter problem, } so I headed to her place. } ---- } } You owe the Oracle an excuse for his landlord. --- 988-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > where in the www can I find music lyrics and chords to songs by "The > Band"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Sigh) I guess you haven't heard, have you? } } Capital Records has bought out the Internet and will soon be converting } it to a "music-on-demand" delivery system. Users will be charged a } monthly access fee and pay an additional charge for each song } requested. } } Needless to say, the National Endowment for the Arts will become a } primary source of public money to expand the 'Net, leaving the National } Science Foundation and DARPA with a surplus of funds which will } promptly be embezzled. } } Because of the NEA's tendency to supports arts that are so disgusting } that they would never survive in a public marketplace, Capital will be } required to transmit an un-requested (for good reason) song along with } any paid request. This will drive away so many users that the Internet } will cease to be a profitable avenue for advertising. (Here's a glimpse } from the future: you get a junk e-mail offering to sell you "the entire } Internet e-mail database - all 37 users and aliases - for a song!") } } The flip side (for those old enough to remember when music disks had } flip sides) is that 37 (actually 32, wiht aliases) users will have } access to the phenominal bandwidth of the Internet. These people (who } are all hearing-imparied and not offended by the NEA-mandated music) } will become the "inner circle" that will eventually rule the world. } } But I digress. Because of Capital's involvement, the posting of any } artistic work that is copyrighted (or may be copyrighted) will be } punished by sending the poster -two- NEA songs for the price of one. } Your favorite lyric and music databases will vanish in a heartbeat. } } You owe the Oracle a Victrola and a 78 of "The Darktown Poker Club." --- 988-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how do i get happy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Start with a long, hot shower. Take your time; relax. Get so } clean you feel reborn. } Find a hot tub and fill it. Take a good, long bath (this is } purely for pleasure -- you should be clean already). Make good use of } the whirlpool jets. } Get dressed in your favorite, most comfortable clothes and go for } a walk somewhere nice. Take yourself out to dinner somewhere you've } always wanted to go. } By now you should be feeling pretty good; now it's time to start } making lasting changes. Get rid of your TV. Quit your job and go back } to school. Build a new life for yourself, doing what you always wanted } to do instead of what you've always had to do. Spend time with people } you like. Talk to them. You will make friends, and may find a mate. } Now go down to your local gun shop and buy a 12-gauge shotgun and } many, many boxes of shells. Make sure the shotgun is the repeating } kind. Get a gun license (you may have to do this before you buy the } gun), and membership in the NRA and your local gun club. Go down to } the target range and practice regularly until you are completely } confident in your ability to hit a target the size of a human head at } 50 meters. } Next, head for the Enchanted Forest. Make sure it's in the } daytime, since you'll have a lot of wandering to do and you don't want } to be out at night. Wander until you encounter a mine with a lot of } singing coming from inside. Remember to blaze a trail on the way -- } use reflective tape, and carry a flashlight. Once you've found the } mine, settle down within range of the entrace and wait. Lurk until the } dwarfs come out. Your target is the grinning one. } Make sure to get in a head shot; those dwarfs are pretty tough. } The others have to go, too, since they're witnesses. Once you've taken } them all out, get out of the Forest quickly -- night is coming. Find a } deep river with a swift current, and ditch the shotgun and any leftover } ammo. Go home, and relax as above with the satsifaction of a job well } done. } } You owe the Oracle an alibi. --- 988-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, what is the clap of one hand sounding? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've got the clap on one hand? } } Son, you need to find a girlfriend. Seriously. You're going to go } blind if you keep that up. } } But to answer your question, most such ailments are fairly silent. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to visit a free clinic. --- 988-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle ... > > Who's biology knowledge is greater then all biologists put together .. > (no wonder if you have made it all up your self I guess) > Who's understanding of the principles of evolution is unsurpassed in > this universe ... > (no wonder if you are the ultimate example of evolution) > Who's questions are always to the point ...... > (no wonder if you come up with the answers your self .... does he ??) > > Please Oracle .. can you shed your light on this thought ... > > Mosquito's are generally regarded as irritating creatures.... > We use news papers/magazine etc .. to try to kill them when they > are buzzing around our head .... > Only the fastest mosquito's can get away from this almost certain dead. > > Now I was wondering ... only fast mosquito's can survive our killing > and therefor > can reproduce them selves ... by mating with an other mosquito who > survived us. > The result is a faster mosquito that are harder to kill ... > By natural selection we are only left with a ever increasingly faster > breed of mosquito's. > > Does this mean .. that at a certain time in the future .. the mosquito > has evolved to > the fastest flying insect in the world .. and making our lives on this > planet impossible... > > I hopeful anticipation of your excellent answer ... (if the mosquito's > don't evolve faster) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've got the right idea, supplicant, but I'm afraid you're } approaching it from the wrong angle. } } Mosquitoes are not getting faster. Humans are getting slower. With } your sedentary lifestyles, access to hundreds of channels of television } programming, fast foods, desk-bound jobs, and no reason to change these } vices in your lives, you are getting more and more pathetic as time } goes on. } } Soon, slugs will be nesting in your filty bellybuttons. Snails will } have drag races along the length of your outstretched remote-control- } holding hands. Generations of ticks will live, breed, and die in your } hair. And the mosquitoes... well, mosquitoes will feed lazily upon } your weak, slow moving bodies until they rise to become the dominant } lifeform on Earth. } } And cable will be waiting for them. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of DEET. And a glass.