From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sun Mar 29 00:10:33 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.16) id AAA22529; Sun, 29 Mar 1998 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 29 Mar 1998 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199803290510.AAA22529@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #999 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 999 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #999 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 29 Mar 1998 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 999 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 994 88 votes wth82 ajto6 euqd5 7dAo8 4kBm5 8drmi 9gAj8 7aDq6 fmnia 38kur 994 3.0 mean 2.1 3.0 2.6 3.1 3.0 3.3 3.0 3.2 2.8 3.8 --- 999-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Geological time seems slow to one such as the constantly globally > re-positioning Oracle who knows what time-zone he is in without a > clock or lawnchair... > > It is said the Earth's magnetic pole was at one time in the area now > known as the Sahara Desert, what happened to make it move? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About seven dollars psi per constituent. The Innuit are delighted. } } You owe the Oracle a team of Malamut worthy of the I-did-a-rhod. --- 999-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise, Oh great one of all time and space, Oh most > joyous Oracle, Oh wondorous one, Oh magnificentor, Oh Oracle to > whom i would sing my praises if only it wasn't for the fact that > the last time i tried that you set Simael and the rest of your most > Holy Inquisition and Legal Department on my back for the cost of the > windows i broke in the temple, Oh great and joyous Oracle for whom I > sacrifice a woodchuck every dawn, Oh splendid Oracle who never has > to wash any of his clothes because he has Zadoc to do it for him, > Oh exalted one, Oh he/she who is beyond description, Oh rapture, > Oh joy, Oh light of the universe, Oh brilliant one, > > I praise thee Oracle with all my might, for as the world doth know, > there can ever be only one true way - the way of the oracle, forasmuch > as i draw lifes breath with only the thought of servitude to your > undying holiness I must risk your undying wrath to ask only one small > and important question..... > > Oh most splendiferous of all that is, or was, or will be, canst > thou, who dost know all that there is to know even though much of > what you know lies within the realms of what my pittiful, sniveling, > insignificant species calls the unknowable, please just answer my most > appalingly stupid of questions, even though my question may interupt > something important, such as cleaning the lint from your belly button > or reviewing the reports from the Experimental W**dch*ck Torture, > Obliteration, Maiming And Genocide Committee (EWTOMAGC), Oh most mighty > Oracle, whose knowledge of the reasons why AOL is worse than Microsoft > is so complete it make the Encyclopedia Galactica look like the "Roger > Red Hat" books children learn to read from, whose ability to pick up > beautiful girls is exceeded only by Lisas ability to make his life a > misery if he takes their offers up, whose inventiveness makes Alexander > Graham Bell look like an amoeba by comparison and whose patience is > so renowned that he can bear to sit through a thousand excruicatingly > nauseating grovels every day and still fight down the impluse to vomit > until Zadoc comes in range. Oh Oracle, who can answer any question > that may be set to him instantly and mailbomb cyberpromo at the same > time, who has Lisa, who inventively tortures Zadoc, who has a miriad > of priests and incarnations please answer my simple question...... > > Is there a translation of the word "Ni!", and if so, what is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look Ni, } } Your mom liked the name, and until you're 18 you are legally } stuck with it... You could go by your middle name of Ckel, } but I advise against it. } } As to what your name means: } } _________________________________________________________________ } } Ni } } Your name of Ni has many sterling qualities but does not give you an } overall stability. Everything you do is done with an intensity to } the point of fervor, you will grovel so much others will grow bored } at it. Your mom is likely a nut. People often disappoint you because } you are idealistic and are apt to place those whom you admire on a } pedestal. You are growing sleepy, sleepy. You feel a need to send } the Oracle a box of chocolate donuts. Then you become disillusioned } when they fall short of your expectations. You are quick mentally } and like to see things moving at an accelerated pace. Patience is } not one of your virtues--you want to move when the impulse strikes } you. Donuts, send the Oracle donuts. Lisa sez I am getting chubby } and can not have anymore until I drop 10 pounds. Donuts. While such } spontaneity is fine at times, you must take account, donuts, donuts. } of conditions and employ careful analysis so as to avoid disastrous } results due to hasty actions. Most things you do, you do well, but } as soon as the food, hobby, or snack becomes familiar or routine, } you become bored and crave a twisted glaze. Send donuts. Travel and } new horizons ever intrigue you, but your hunger for greener onions } is insatiable, and so you never experience contentment and peace of } mind. There is such a driving power within you. If you cannot find } an omelet, or if your actions are thwarted in some way, you feel the } reaction through extreme tension in the region of your solar plexus, } that is hunger, send me some donuts and the intensity and consequent } outbursts leave hurt feelings in their wake--usually involving those } closest to you. You will remember little of this message when you } awake and you will go instantly and mail me some donuts. However, } the name makes you far too sensitive and high-strung, and could } cause you to suffer with nervous indigestion or ulcers or hunger. } } I think you know what you owe the Oracle. --- 999-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who wears the pants in this neck of the Universe, please > address this short question for me . . . > > Discounting Scotland here for the moment, HOW did it come to > be the way of the Western World for males to wear pants and > females skirts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, okay, the Oracle catches your drift. How much for the pictures } AND the negatives? --- 999-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, at the risk of being ZOTed, I wish to voice a > grievance against you. In a recent Oracularity, you complained > about guys who ask questions on the order of "How can I find out > whether such-and-such a woman likes me or not?" and you claimed they > could just go and ask the woman, who would then say either yes or no. > Well, I think you've been with Lisa long enough that you haven't had > to deal with this situation for quite awhile. In fact, it's nowhere > near as simple as you're making it out to be. Women will make all > kinds of crazy excuses and go to any length to pretend they don't > know what you're asking them before they'll just tell you straight > out that they aren't interested in you. > > The one I find especially infuriating is, "I don't know if I can go out > with you that night because I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing." > If you aren't sure what you're going to be doing, then it follows > logically that you aren't already committed to something, which means > you could accept the invitation if you wanted to. Another goodie is, > "But you have to get to be friends before you can be anything more > than that," said after you've known the person for about five years, > when both you and her know couples who've gotten married within a > year after meeting. Of course, during the five years you've know the > woman, every request for a date has been met with, "I don't know if > I can go out with you that night because I'm not sure what I'm going > to be doing." Furthermore, this practice seems to be an accepted > method of dealing with unwanted attention in our culture. I remember > complaining about it to a female co-worker, who informed me, in a tone > of voice that made it clear she thought I'd just said the stupidest > thing on Earth, that, "You don't *tell* the guy you're not interested. > You keep making excuses and wait for him to get the idea." > > So do you mean to tell us that you, who have existed since the dawn > of time, have never encountered the female instance on refusing to > give a direct answer to the question of "Are you interested in me?"? > And if you *have* encountered it, I think you owe all supplicants > involved an answer that takes it into account. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll say this R-e-a-l S-l-o-w; } } I-f S-h-e d-o-e-s n-o-t s-a-y y-e-s } } t-h-e-n t-h-e a-n-s-w-e-r i-s N-O } } I am far more worried about supplicants asking ethereal entities for } love advice than anything a flesh and blood real live female says to } them. } } Go out into the Big Blue Room. Talk to HUMANS. } } You owe the Oracle a promise not to be at home on the Saturday Night on } which I am sending this to you... yes I am here on a Sat. clever one, } but I am a timeless immortal, and I am not alone. --- 999-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is Monica Lewinsky and why is she tapping at my window? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bill, you can quit playing dumb. I know you had an affair with Ms. } Lewinsky; } I'm omniscient, remember? Now as for your grovel (or lack thereof) I } *WILL* Zot you next time. } } } } Who is it? } } } } Cheif SSO: Oracle, you're under arrest for threatening the President. } You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can } and will be used against you in a court of law, [Miranda } Rights edited for brevity] } } You owe the Oracle a really good attorney (preferably not Ken Starr). --- 999-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Fab Oracle, > > Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty-four? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am sorry, But I HATE that song... } Here are the words to the rest of the LP } though.. } ================================================================= } } The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band } } 1.The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band } 2.A Little Help From My Supplicants } 3.Lisa In The Queue With Askmes } 4.Getting Letters } 5.Fixing AOL } 6.She's Tying Up the Phone } 7.Being For The Benefit Of Og the Troglodyte } 8.Within Queue Without Queue } 9. [track missing] } 10.Lovely Ogwa } 11.Good Question Good Question } 12.The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band (reprise) } 13.A Day In The Life } } The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band (Lisa/Orrie) } } It was years ago today, } The Oracle taught Zadoc and Lisa how to type } Since then they've experienced a lot of hype } But they're guaranteed to fill a queue. } So may I introduce to you } The act you've known for all these years, } The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band } We're The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band } We hope you will enjoy this answer, } We're The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band } Sit back and let the evening go. } The Oracle's Kill the, The Oracles Kill the } The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band } It's wonderful to be here, } A w..dch..k is made to be killed. } You're such a lovely audience, } We'd like to take you home with us, } We'd love to take you home. } I don't really want to stop the answer, } But I thought that you might like to know, } That the Oracle's going to type some words , } And he wants you all to know some are absurd, } So let me introduce to you } The cause of all of Zadoc's Fears } And The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band } } A Little Help From My Supplicants (Lisa/Orrie) } } A little help from my supplicants } What would you think if I punked out on an answer too soon } Would you stand up and walk out on me. } Lend me your eyes and I'll point at the moon } A zen reference hopefully known not just by me, } I get by with a little help from my supplicants, } I get high with a little help from my supplicants, } Going to try with a little help from my supplicants. } What do I do when my tellmes go astray } (Does it worry you to be using a phone?) } How do I feel by the end of the day } (Are you sad because you're on the phone?) } No I jest dry with a little help from my supplicants, } Do you need anybody, } I need somebody to ask. } Could it be anybody } I want somebody to ask. } Would you believe in a digesting at first sight, } Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time. } What do you see when you turn out the light, } I can't tell you, `cause it's way too dark } Oh I smirk sly with a little help from my supplicants, } Do you need anybody, } I just need somebody to tell } Could it be anybody, } I want somebody to tell } I get Bill pied with a little help from my supplicants, } Yes I deep fried with a little help from my supplicants, } With a little help from my supplicants. } } Lisa in the Queue with Askmes (Lisa/Orrie) } } Picture yourself in a T1 off a backbone } With tangled lines and crossed lines } Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly, } A girl with horribly bloodshot eyes. } hello phone supplicants of yellow and green, } Towering over your head. } Look for the girl with the zot in her eyes, } And she's gone. } Lisa in the queue with askmes. } Follow her down to a ridge on a big dog, } Where rock n roll people eat buckets of Spanish-like flies, } Everyone smiles as you drift way off topic, } As long as you don't say they have thunder thighs } New queues of askmes appear at the door, } Waiting to take time away. } Climb in the sack with your imitation Turin Shroud, } And you're gone. } Lisa in the queue with askmes, } Picture an elf on a tree in a cookie, } With plastic explosives to blow w..sch..ks sky high, } Suddenly someone is messing w/ the turntable, } The girl with the horribly bloodshot eyes. } } Getting Letters (Lisa/Orrie) } } It's getting letters all the time } I used to get mad at my .edu } Those w/ root access weren't cool } You're holding up me email, you BOFHers } Filling me up with your rules. } I've got to admit ~/.mail is getting letters } A little letters all the time } I have to admit ~/.mail is getting letters } It's getting letters since you've been on the line } Me used to be a angry young student } Me hiding me head under a hat } You gave me bootleg Word } I flipped Bill the bird } I'm getting some rest, then work me tan } I've got to admit ~/.mail is getting letters } I used to be cruel to my admins } I misuses lpr and kept parts of programs that really weren't mine } Man I was mean but I'm changing my undershorts } And I'm do need a rest and a tan, } I admit ~/.mail is getting letters } A little letters all the time } Yes I admit ~/.mail is getting letters } It's getting letters since you've been on the line } } Fixing a Hole (Lisa/Orrie) } } I'm fixing AOL so no brain gets in } And stops AOLers from wondering } Why does it blow } I'm snorting up crack I got from a whore } And stops ah, err, I'm wandering } Why does it blow } And it really doesn't matter if I'm long } I'm right, } Where I belong I'm right } Where I belong. } in the chat rooms babbling too long } I'm fixing AOL so no brain gets in } And starts my mind to functioning } } She's Tying Up the Phone (Lisa/Orrie) } } Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins } Silently closing her bedroom door } Leaving the note that she hoped would say more } She goes downstairs to the kitchen clutching her handkerchief } Quietly turning the backdoor key } Stepping outside she is free. } She (We gave her most of our lives) } is tying up (Sacrificed most of our lives) } the phone (We gave her everything money could buy) } She's tying up the phone after sharing the phone } For so many years. Bye, bye } Father snores as his wife gets into her dressing gown } Picks up the fax that's lying there } Standing alone at the top of the stairs } She breaks down and cries to her husband } Daddy our baby's gone. } Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly } How could she do this to me. } She (We never though of ourselves) } Is tying up (Never a thought for ourselves) } the phone (We struggled hard all our lives to get by) } She's tying up the phone after sharing the phone } For so many years. Bye, bye } Friday morning at nine o'clock she is far away } Waiting to keep the appointment she made } Meeting a man from the ISP } She What did we do that was wrong } Is having We didn't know it was wrong } Unlimited Net Access is one thing that money can buy } Something inside that was always denied } For so many years. Bye, Bye } She's tying up the phone bye bye } } Being for the Benefit of Og the Troglodyte! (Lisa/Orrie) } } For the benefit of Og the Troglodyte } There will be a show tonight on trampling } The w..dch..ks will all be there } As we rip off all their hair-what a scene } Overlords and divorces endless loops and barters } Lastly through a ch..k head w/ real fire! } In this way Og will challenge the world! } The celebrated Og } washes just his feet on Saturdays at tarpit lake } The w..dch..ks will bark and scream } As Og the Troglodyte tears off pterodactyl wings don't be late } Messy Og slurs in public } Og pronunciations are understandable by none } And of course Zadoc will of course take a pratfall! } Og losses track of numbers long before six } As Og performs his tricks on top of the ground } And Og will perspirate } Ten marmots he'll desecrate with laughing sounds } Having spread some hay in preparation } A splendid slime is guaranteed to all } And tonight Og the Troglodyte is pieing Bill! } } Within Queue Without Queue (Orrie) } } We were talking-about the space between us all } And the people-who hide themselves behind a wall of queues } Never glimpse the truth-then it's far too late-when they pass away. } We were talking-about the queue we all could share-when we find it } To try our best to hold it there-with our queue } With our queue-we could save the world-if they only knew. } Try to realize it's all within queuerself } No-one else can make queue change } And to see queue're really only very small, } And life flows within queue and without queue. } We were talking-about the queue that's gone so cold and the people, } Who gain the digest and lose their soul- } They don't know-they can't see-are queue one of them? } When queue've seen beyond queuerself-then queue may find, peace of } mind, } Is waiting there- } And the time will come when queue see } we're all one, and life flows on within queue and without queue. } } When I'm Sixty-Four (Lisa/Orrie) } } [track missing] } } Lovely Ogwa (Lisa/Orrie) } } Ogwa has it made } Ogwa has it made } Ogwa has it made } Nothing can come between rocks, } When it gets dark I Og your rock away. } Standing by a giant ground sloth, } When I caught a glimpse of Ogwa, } standing in a thicket in her little white butt. } taking a c..p she looked much older, } And the fur across her shoulder } Made her look a little like a saber-tooth cat } Ogwa has it made } May I inquire discreetly, } When are you free, } To take some muddy water with me. } Took her out and tried to catch some dinner } Had a laugh as we grew thinner } Told her I would really like to see her again, } found a duck's bill and Ogwa ate it, } Took her home (I had nearly made it), } Sitting on the rock with a ogling or two. } Oh, lovely Ogwa you've got it made } Where would I be without shoes } Give us a stink and make me think of you. } } Good Question, Good Question (Lisa/Orrie) } } Nothing to do Question Two: 'What is life' call his wife in } Nothing to say but Question A: 'what a greek vase pay' } Nothing to do it's up to foo } I've got nothing to say but it's QA. } Good question, good question... } Going to work don't want to go feeling low down } Heading for home you start to foam then you drown } Everybody knows there's nothing fooing } Everything is closed it's like a bruin } Everyone you see is half a creep. } And you're on your own you're in the street } Good question, good question... } After a while you start to smile now you feel drool. } Then you decide to take a walk by the old fool } Nothing has changed it's still the same } I've got nothing to say but it's O.K. } Good question, good question... } People running round it's five o'clock. } Everywhere in town is getting like a park. } Everyone you see is full of it. } It's time for deltree and meet the bits. } Somebody needs to know the time, glad that `date` s here } Cough on your shirt as you started to burp now you're in fear. } Go to a john, you hope she's gone } I've got nothing to say but it's O.D.ed } Good question, good question... } } The Oracle's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise) } (Lisa/Orrie) } } We're The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band } We hope you enjoy eating crow } The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band } We're sorry but it's time to go. } Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks } Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks } Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks } Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks } The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band } We'd like to warn you not to ping } The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band } It's getting very near the thing } Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks } Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks } The Oracle's Kill The W..dch..ks Zottin' Garage Band } } A Day in the Life (Lisa/Orrie) } } I read USENET today oh boy } About the yucky man who made the spam } And though the news was rather sad } Well I just had to laugh } I saw the .sig } the guy was such a pig } He didn't notice that the winds had changed } A crowd of people stood and flamed } They'd seen his spam before } Nobody was really sure } if it was him, but they were bored, } I saw a .jpg today oh boy } An English Nanny had not closed the door } A crowd of people turned away } but I just had to look } Having been a fan of Capt. Hook } I'll turn the coffee on } broke up, kicked out of bed, } smashed a bottle on my head } Fell downstairs and feed the pup, } And looking in the obits noticed I was late. } Found my coat and fed the cat } Made the bus run extra fast } Found my cubicle still there (like they care) } send an askme and ordered coffee extra cream } I read USENET today oh joy } Four thousand holes in NT } And though the holes were rather small } They had to count them all } Now they know how many holes it takes to take down a firewall } I'd love to turn you in --- 999-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle. > > How can I quit smoking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop, drop, and roll. } } You owe the Oracle a Fred the Fireman poster. --- 999-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey! You! Yeah you, you Orri-fice! You suck! > > Answer this question you Woodchuck! > > Does my ZOT-proof e-mail account work? > > --------------------------------------------------------------- > Get your private, free ZOT-proof e-mail. http://www.zotmail.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course not! } } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OOOOOOOOO TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OOOOOOOOOOO TT } } You owe the Oracle new batteries for my ZOT(tm)Tronics Raygun. --- 999-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, whose scope of the universe is but a laser point to my narrow > intellect, > > How does Chelsea fit into all this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } North of the Thames, between Pimlico, West Brompton and South } Kensington. } } You owe the Oracle a map of the London Underground and a Rhodes } Scholarship. --- 999-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > most omnipotent, most beneficient, > most something or other. > > Could you answer me a question? > > Over in RHOD they are discussing the potential outcomes of > a merger between Microsoft and McDonalds. While some of the > speculation is rather interesting I though I would go to > the source of all Use^H^H^H Internet knowledge. So tell me > what would happen. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No more Big Macs. } } You owe the Oracle the patience of Jobs.