From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri May 1 08:28:32 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id IAA03420; Fri, 1 May 1998 08:28:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 08:28:32 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199805011328.IAA03420@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1014 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1014 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1014 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 08:28:32 -0500 (EST) @@@ After digestification, it was discovered that the answer to @@@ Oracularity #1013-07 in the previous digest was derived from @@@ Dave Barry's "How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program". @@@ Our sincere apologies to Mr Barry. It is the intention of the @@@ Internet Oracularities to publish original material. To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1014 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1009 85 votes 8tqd9 7nimf 9iuo4 eimn8 69ktl 7gnli 5lxl5 cakud lrmd2 8ehug 1009 3.1 mean 2.8 3.2 3.0 2.9 3.6 3.3 3.0 3.3 2.4 3.4 --- 1014-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most powerful Oracle, who could smite a legion of Mongol tanks with a > Pikeman and a Zot Staff, please answer this most insignificant of > questions. > > Which is more important, Leonardo's Workshop or Adam Smith's Trading > Company? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's pop Leonardo and Adam Smith in a cage, shall we? } } Now fellows, only one of you will be coming out -- the one with the more } important to humanity, to civilization. Have it at, gentleman, and } let's keep it a clean fight. } } Smith: Step a little closer, Renaissance boy, and I'll poke with } this pin. Poke, poke. } } Da Vinci: You capitalistic fool, with your assembly line pins. Oh } look, the head of the pin is put on by a different person } than the one who made the long pointy bit. Look at me } tremble. I'm more worried about having to re-take first } year economics than I am of your little pin. } } Now, take your last breath, sir, for I shall smite you } with this helicoptor-type thing I have here. } } Smith: Uh, that's just a drawing, actually. You haven't got a } helicopter there, you know. } } Da Vinci: Damn. Well, let's see. Assume that I have a heli- } } Smith: A-ha! Stop right there. That's an economist's game and } you know it. } } Da Vinci: Double damn. I suppose shall just smile at you - like } this! Disturbing, isn't it? Can't quite figure it out, } can you? } } Smith: En garde! } } [The battle begins. Smith keeps poking Da Vinci with his pin, and } eventually Da Vinci grabs scraps of paper and starts giving Smith } paper cuts. They battle until both are too weak to continue, } partly from blood loss, mostly from 10 straight hours of futile } jabbing at one another. A frustrated sigh is heard, followed by } a loud zapping noise. More of a zotting noise, on reflection.] } } } Well, that didn't really help, did it? Fun though. } } Anyway, supplicant, I've always thought that that picture on the } front of every science textbook -- you know, naked guy, arms out -- } was pretty cool. So, I'm going to have to say that Leonardo's } Workshop is the more important of the two. } } You owe the Oracle "Civ3: The grudge match". --- 1014-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Og here. Og bash forehead on ground. Ground break. > Og beg help from mitee Or-a-kul: > > Og have problem. Og have new job. Man in blue shiny > furs come to cave. Ask Og if Og know Or-a-Kul. Og say yes. > Man give Og many pretty leaves with pictures. Man > say Og come work for him. > > Og go to work. Og now work in dark smelly hut, instead > of nice sunshine. Og must sit on strange thing, called > "chair", makes Og fall down. Og must stare at glowing > rock, rock have many strange pictures on, call "Icon". > > Man tell Og he must "develop a new corporate DBMS". Og > not know what Man mean. Man say Og know Or-a-Kul, will > not be hard. > > Og ask Or-a-kul, what do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc! } } 'yes, Oracle and Master?' } } A great reckoning has come at last. Do we have any of those } TravelZOTs? } } 'I'm afraid we're out at the moment, but if you like _I_ could--' } } No, Zadoc. This isn't something you can deal with. } } 'But you promised! You said if I obeyed everything you said for the } next 34 years, I could have my own ZOT!' } } I know, Slave. But the time of Anguish and Woe has come upon us at } last. This is worse than the time that assistant of yours left the sink } running and left for the summer. This even worse than when that } package of w**dch*cks arrived from Montana. } } 'No, Oracle--you can't mean--' } } Yes, I'm afraid so. Og has been kidnapped by M*cr*s*ft. } } } } Soon, the signs and prophecies proclaim that Og will be promoted from } computer design and software analysis to PR, and from PR to Marketing } Sales, and from Marketing to-- } } 'NO! NO! I can't bear it anymore! Stop!' } } Yes. Soon, Og will be the head of Customer Service. The Hour of } Babylon has come. Death is erasing everything in its path, everything } that is designed anew with _less_ bugs, not more, everything which is } good and pure and user friendly, everything which does not become } obsolete within a fortnight. These shall be cursed and confined to the } Abyss of blackness and sulfer! There is no stopping the coming } tribulation. Lo, soon the days of darkness and terror and fire will be } upon us. They will make Ogwa head of Human Resources, and she shall } bring a judgement, and war shall be waged, nation upon nation, kingdom } upon kingdom, department upon department. The Oglings will be put in } charge of the Internet Sales Division, and granted all authority over } heaven and earth and there will be shreiking and wailing and gnashing } of sound cards. And Og--poor, misguided Og--they will make Vice } President: the Servant of the Beast. } } "Oh Oracle, you can't mean now!' } } Yes, now have the dark hours come. Soon, M*cr*s*ft will soon rule all } access to all information, ruling a vast mutitude of crazed and } confused consumers jamming the world's phone lines, all desperate to } get questions answered by the Customer Service representatives, 78% of } whom at any given time will be playing MERPS or oggling the Sear's } lingerie section. Then, after inviting Rupert Murdoch over for "tea", } the Beast will gain complete control of the media, including publishing } houses, newspapers, satelite systems, and SPAM servers. There will be } earthquakes and thunder and horrible TV shows masquerading as } "entertainment", but which sercetly corrupt the nations of the world, } stupifying them until nothing less than war between angels and demons, } light and dark can distract them from their torment. And then the } Beast will then complete his most diabolical plan yet: convince the } public through his "objective" newspapers that everyone loves his } products. It will be the end. } } 'How? Can't you stop him?' } } Sadly, omnipotent though I am, I can only reach people through the } Internet. But when the browser rises out of the sea of silicon, and } the Leviathon stalks the newsgroups, and access is limited to the } chosen 144,000 sealed with the sign of the Window, then will my reign } be overthrown. Woe unto them all! } } 'Oh, Master! I'll stay with you! Even if no one else cares, I'll } still ask you questions and grovel!' } } Thank you, loyal Zadoc. But when the four Horsemen sweep down from the } four corners of the world, and all stones are shaken off their } foundations, then you too will abandon me, as it is written. Unless... } } 'Unless?' } } Hmm...find me a phone. I must speak to the Justice Department. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of _Apocolypse Now_, a lake of } burning sulfer, and a copy of Netcape Navigator. --- 1014-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me how to get rich, doing nothing And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why don't you just ask Bill Gates? --- 1014-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, O Oracle, of Thee I sing. > How do I worship Thee? Let me count the ways. > Thou art the Length and Breadth and Height to which my soul can reach. > I don't know any more Shakespeare to rip off. I could compare Thee to a > summer's day, but that doesn't seem appropriate. Anyway, I have a > question I hope you can answer. > > I was wondering exactly when the 21st century/3rd millennium will > really start. I've heard a lot of argument about Jan 1, 2000 vs. Jan 1, > 2001, but they all seem to be missing the mark. It seems to me that a > new century (millennium) should start exactly an integer multiple of > 100 (1000) years after a specific event, but the particular event that > everyone seems to be talking about is celebrated on Dec 25. So > shouldn't the new century start on Dec 25 instead of Jan 1? But it's > even worse than that. Historians seem to agree that the event actually > happened a few years B.C. (apparently no one had enough clout on the > calendrical standards committee until long after everyone associated > with the event were long dead, so they took a guess and they guessed > wrong). So didn't the real 21st century/3rd millennium start sometime > in 1993 (give or take a year or two)? > > And nobody noticed. No earthquakes. No rains of fire. No rapture. No > nothing. Kind of anti-climactic, eh? > > Well anyway, I was just wondering. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Picture this: } } Bethlehem, 48BC: } } The barn doors close with a creak as the last of the bearded, robed } and bedraggled lope inside. } } The tallest speaks:; } "Friends, romans and Delphi programmers, I have gathered you here } on a matter of grave concern to us all. As you know, soon Christ our } Lord will be born onto this Earth, bearing the word of God. He will } change the world. People's attitudes, their moral codes for life } conduct and even the dating system that we all use. Which is fair } enough, anyone with that much power is not someone to rearend whilst } they're sitting at traffic lights. However, I, Torrie of } Southend-on-Sea, have a plan. A plan which will make us the richest } people on the planet, and make absolutely sure we have a great New } Year's party with no overcrowding whatsoever. } } For I have a vision, a vision of little beige boxes all over the world } not being able to comprehend a '1' changing to a '2', and we shall make } shedloads of money off these poor grebs by writing thousands of lines } of code in the 1970's, 80's and 90's that only checks the last two } digits of the date so that when the rollover comes, we will be very } much in demand and be able to charge whatever we want to fix the } problems we have created. } } By my calculations our Lord and master will be born at 8:27am on } December the 25th 7bc. This will be a problem, because we will never } be able to work out whether we are coming or going, so we will call 7bc } 0 and work from there. Let us then have a huge party on December the } 25th 1993, be hungover for the next six years, and begin spreading the } word about our Millenium scam, I mean bug. } } My friends, we have work ahead of us. Electricity, symbolic logic, 80 } column punchcard machines, the transistor, sub-micron silicon masking } facilities, IBM and Sun will all have to be invented, as well as Unix, } CPM, Digital Research and Apple. } } So, go forth, write code for food and prosper, for we will be } triumphant, and the 2000th (ish) anniversery of Christ our Lord's birth } will strike terror into the hearts of men, children and them little } bolivian tree frogs. } } .... } Strange how life works isn't it? } } You owe the Oracle the head of the bearded little git who invented } Microsoft. --- 1014-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who is so vastly wonderful and immensely superior that > mere words cannot describe it, > > What is your opinion of Canada? Nice country? Good to visit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the last time I was there, I didn't see very much of it, for some } reason. I later learnt that "Drink Canada Dry" is an advertising } slogan, not a personal challenge. } } You owe the Oracle a vast expanse of Arctic Wasteland with a couple of } hundred people huddled along the warmer edge. No, wait - that's } Scotland. --- 1014-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, tell me, are flying cows really exists? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed. There is a little-known subspecies of the cow that can in fact } fly, and has actually featured at various intervals throughout history. } This curious breed achieves altitude through inflating its } extraordinary udder with hot air, and hanging upside down beneath it } (evolution has prepared the cows to be able to cope with this). } Propulsion...well, one word: methane. } } In World War 2, Hitler had specially-trained flying cows cross the } channel under cover of darkness, and land in Wales, infiltrating the } herds of some unsuspecting farmer. The execution was brilliant - the } cows drifted in, under the radar, and fitted in brilliantly. } Unfortunately, there was one fatal flaw: they were cows. And the grass } really was greener on the other side. } } In 1920, Prof. D. H. Hinden attempted to cross the atlantic in a } hot-air balloon with a herd of flying cows. Unfortunately, an untimely } bolt of lightning ignited the large amount of methane surrounding the } herd. This became known as the 'Hinden-hamburger' incident. } } And onwards, back through history. Napoleon used them in his failed } invasion of Russia to carry supplies - the cracking of inflated udders } as temperatures dropped bombed a whole regiment. Before he tried } elephants, Hannibal attemmpted a failed invasion of Rome based on } flying cows (ever tried to ride an upside-down cow? It ain't easy.). } And, to early man, a herd of cows drifting over the horizon meant good } eating for the first tribe there with spears or bows. } } However, despite this, this magnificent beast has enjoyed a slender } role in history. But perhaps it is only waiting for its time, for the } right Ph.D. thesis, for the right book... } } You owe the Oracle a thesis. --- 1014-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > can you chat with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why yes I'd love too. Lets GO! 10K/f. } i am slowly taking off my pance } Mmmm...i just love a bad speler. do go on } My sox are slowly sliding down... } mmmmmmm } i pull them back up. cheap sox. } ooooooo } i'm on fire.... } me too...mmmmmm } no really. the candle fell off the milkcrates } and started my hemp shirt ablaze..... } ooooooo } i'm ripping my shirt off....it's hard.... } oooh my already?...... } ...to type...it's very hard to type... } mmmmmm......mee too } i'm flailing around my room... } mmmm....lovely imagery } i can't get this flaming shirt off... } your a poet.... } i knocked the bong over on my paintings... } mmmmm } they're ruined....i'll have to paint all those } unicorns again....my hair is smoking... } oooohh mine tooo... } i found a bottle with liquid in it to } put the fire out.... } mmmm......you can't put me out.... } it was acetone from the meth lab.... } there's a huge fire in here now... } mmmmeeee.....toooooo } all 15 of my cats are going nuts.... } they're clinging to meeee....e........ } mmmmeeee......tttoooooo } ..i'm getting dizzy.... } ahhhhhhh also meee } the motel manager is pounding on the door... } i'll be right back.... } hello..... } hello.....??? } i'm back...you still there?? hello?? } hello anyone there?? anyone wanna chat??? } hello? } i am slowly taking off my pance.... } [offline] } } UO me a bohemian --- 1014-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you want? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Agents Mulder and Scully. FBI." Mulder held up his badge. "May we } come in?" } } "I don't think so," said the unpleasant looking man. He smelled } terrible, and his clothes were mere rags. The house they could see } behind him was run-down, and completely barren of furniture, except for } some cinderblocks and a two by four, on top of which rested a computer. } "I'm having a bad day." } } "We'd like to ask you a few questions," said Scully, pursing her lips } to make her cheekbones appear more pronounced. } } "Bout what," snapped the man. "I'm busy." } } "The Internet Oracle," replied Mulder, using his best } don't-mess-with-me, I'm-with-the-FBI-voice. } } The man's face turned dead white and he started to shake. "I know } nothing! Nothing, I tell you! I never heard of no stinkin Oracle!" } } "Oh really, sir?" asked Scully. "What's that on your computer screen } there?" she said, pointing over his shoulder. "Looks like you are } writing to the Oracle." } } "I didn't do nothin! Really! It was all just innocent fun!" he cried. } "I didn't mean to cause noone no harm!" } } "Sir," said Mulder sternly, "The Oracle does not appreciate being } bombarded with repeticious, idiotic, uncreative, boring questions. } Here are some samples which came from you: Who are you? What do } you want? Why are you here? Now, we can discuss this further here, } or we can haul you down to the FBI and turn you over to Cancerman so } he can clone you. Which will it be?" } } The man collapsed, sobbing, onto the floor. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! } I never meant to waste the Oracle's time!" } } Scully looked sternly at him. "Do you have anything else you'd like } to confess?" } } He looked up, trembling. "You mean, you *know*?" } } She smiled. "Of course I know. I'm Psychic!Scully." } } He sighed and slumped up against the door. "Yes, I admit it. I am } the Juno incarnation. It was fun, for a while, being possessed by } a demon and all, but look at me! Look at me! I'm a broken wreck } of a man! I lost everything but my computer, and the demon makes me } post 24 hours a day! That's why I resorted to those inane, grovelless } questions - I was hoping if I posted enough through a non-Juno account, } the demon would lose his hold over me. I can't take it anymore!" } } Suddenly, the man erupted into flames. Mulder and Scully lept } backwards, shielding their faces with their hands. The smoke swirled } upwards, and seemed to form the shape of a laughing man...a hideous, } mutated, maniacal man, and Mulder thought he heard someone whisper - } "and now for my next victim..." } } "What the hell just happened, Mulder?" demanded Scully when the smoke } had cleared and she determined that the man had been reduced to a } small pile of ashes. } } "I don't know, Scully. Somewhere, the next Juno incarnation is } waiting..." --- 1014-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, you've seen all of time from your Olympian coign. Is > there any moment in the entire history of the human race when a > majority was even close to being right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You raise an interesting question, supplicant. The short answer is, } "No." But let's take a little trip back through time to see how close } you came... } } [Lights dim; a film projector turns on. A screen descends, on which we } see two cavemen.] } } Here is our old friend Og, involved in a heated discussion over the } existence of God. } } >Og: Og say no God! Og is all Og need! Og not need in-vi-za-bull God } >to help Og catch boar! Og catch boar fine! } > } >Urk: God strike Og down, Og talk like that. } } At this point in history, the world was approximately evenly divided } between superstitious people and rationalists. It's conceivable the } rationalists could have prevailed, but for an unfortunate } coincidence... } } [Camera pans above Og's head to reveal that an enormous bird has landed } on a rotten branch directly above Og's head. The bird's weight breaks } the branch, which clonks soundly upon Og's noggin.] } } >Og: Ow! } > } >Urk: See? Wrath of God! Urk warn Og, Og no listen! } > } >Og: Og sorry! Og tell all that God is real! } } And so forth. Of course, there are many things that one can be right } or wrong about. I don't have time to show you all of them, but... } } [The scene shifts. We see a few people sitting around a television } screen. They are Academy Award voters, watching a screening copy of } _Titanic_.] } } >Mr. A: This movie is incredibly manipulative! } > } >Ms. B: It's really rather a travesty of modern moviemaking excess. } > } >Mr. C: Oh, come on, guys, vote for it...I'm sitting next to Kate } >Winslet at the awards, and I don't want her all depressed. I'm trying } >to ask her out. } > } >Ms. D: Okay, Best Picture, then? } } Just when the world was evenly divided between people who loved } _Titanic_, and people who either didn't care about it or thought it was } further evidence of the nearness of Armageddon, four thoughtless } Academy members _pushed_ it over the edge in the Best Picture voting, } thereby giving it enough so-called artistic legitimacy to once again } prevent humanity from escaping it own folly. } } [Projector clicks off.] } } You owe the Oracle a five page essay on the Spanish Inquisition. --- 1014-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a tree falls over in the forest, and no one's around to hear it, > does anyone give a damn? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You would, if you were the tree. } } You owe the Oracle a forest.