From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sun May 31 14:31:30 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id OAA16649; Sun, 31 May 1998 14:31:30 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 31 May 1998 14:31:30 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199805311931.OAA16649@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1022 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1022 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1022 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 31 May 1998 14:31:30 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1022 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1017 92 votes 3gqwf 4mHm1 3crwi liqk7 bpyh5 8dAkf 8cwua 7eGm7 c9soj 4asAe 1017 3.2 mean 3.4 2.9 3.5 2.7 2.8 3.2 3.2 3.1 3.3 3.5 --- 1022-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, thou who is perfect just is thou is, unlike us > liposuction addict, plastic surgeryised, and generally much played > around with supplicants. > > Oracle, we all know about fairytales where frogs are kissed and they > turn into princes. What kind of fairytales do frogs tell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm glad you asked that, supplicant! Your question provides me with the } excuse to create a list of bad puns, a thing which I dearly love. } } Some of the more popular frog fairy tales include: } } "Beauty and the Bullfrog" } "Little Green Water-Lily" } "Mudella" } "The Contract with America" } "The Three Tadpoles" } "Croaking Beauty" } "Toad Lake" } } I could continue, but I'm afraid that would be a violation of the } Geneva Convention. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Grimm's Unabridged Fairy Tales for Dingos. --- 1022-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The metric system is the tool of the Devil! My car gets forty rods to > the hogshead and that's the way I likes it! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Praise the Lord, Brother Supplicant. Let us now read from the Book of } Measurements. } } Chapter 10 } } 1 And lo, upon the great hill there stood a shadow, and his message } unto the people was the Metric System. } 2 "Listen unto me, that thy mind might be sectioned into round tens, } and thy soul be mark'd in cents, kilos, and millis." } 3 And the shadow was Evil, and the people knew it to be so. And } their resistance surged, but the Evil was upon them. } 4 There began the resizing of the products, where hereuntofor the } pounds became as kilograms, and the inch became as centimeters. } 5 And Evil reigned, and many a cake was ruin'd. } 6 The Lord saw the Evil, and because he loved his children, the Lord } smote the Metric System, lest it not return until the prophesized } times of faithlessness, rebellion, and rock music. } 7 And the Lord declared that until the approach of that age, there } shalt be the following system of measurement to be observed by his } followers: } 8 "Let the rod be that amount of volume wherein it is equal to no more } than the size of the smallest rod that holds up thy rabbi's tent; } 9 "Let the blotchitt be that amount of volume wherein it is equal to no } more than the steps between the watering hole of Ishraham and the } oasis of Estelahashabah, but that the blotchitt not be less than } thirtsix rods; } 10 "Let the venrim be that amount of volume that is the rod or } blotchitt when the measurement is dry; } 11 "Let the hogshead be the distance wherein the rabbi can roll a swine } carcass away from thine village to follow the law of kosher; } 12 "Let the foot be the length of the rabbi's foot wherein it is } measured from the rabbi's middle toe to his heel; } 13 "Let the pound be that amount of weight wherein it is equal to } the number of beatings required to drive a thief from thine village; } 14 "Let the weensy be that amount of weight wherein no thief is known } unto the village, thus the weensy be that amount wherein the largest } goat can defecate in one afternoon; } 15 "And let the gring be that speed wherein one can travel one hogshead } per midmorning by camel that is fed six rods of corn, or three } hogshead per day by cart measuring six feet by two feet by four feet } laden with 18 weensies of goat dung. } 16 "Let these measurements be so, for it is the will of thy Lord that } it be so, and thy Lord will smite thee if thou does not perpetuate } this system." } 17 And the people knew it was so, and the rabbis knew that resisting } the Metric System meant resisting understanding the Lord's realm } called Science, so the rabbis spread the word of the Lord's system, } and all was good. } } You owe the Oracle the full text of the Book of Armaments. --- 1022-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, trees grow better if you look at them, if you were to sit on a > rock it would take on a luster and sheen that could blind a person at > 100 paces. You are truly amazing, and I for one am honored to be able > to ask you this question. > > What would I find if I looked in the glove boxes of autos owned by > leaders of the G7? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jacques Chirac - A voodoo talisman of Jean-Marie Le Pen and several } long sturdy pins. } } Ryutaro Hashimoto - A collection of Asia's prime stock certificates } currently being used as moist towelettes, a copy of Taichi Sakaiya's } "Japan: 2018," and a "Do-it-yourself Hari Kari kit." } } Helmut Kohl - An honorary degree from Cambridge and a box of reducing } tablets. } } Tony Blair - A pile of first edition euro's, a bus schedule and tokens } (Just in case John Prescott Transportation White Paper gets strong } backing) and a collection of Crowded House C.D.'s. } } Romano Prodi - The title deed to the Colosseum and some letters of } introduction from Tony Blair in regard to Rupert Murdoch. } } William J. Clinton - A stash of old Big Mac wrappers, a pack of } Trojans, a map of downtown Littlerock with a collection of esoteric } little red marks distributed around town and a little black book. } } Jean Chretien - A plain brown packet from Ross Rebagliati. } } You owe the Oracle a matched set of investment quality Krugeraands and } a well appointed abandoned missile silo. --- 1022-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O corporal Oracle, who is most capital! > > What is the difference between a cat o' nine tails and > a cat o' nine lives? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One is several taunting flails, while the other is flaunting several } tails. } } You owe the Oracle a kinky cat. --- 1022-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most erudite Oracle, who knows the difference between omniscient and > omnipotent, not to mention omnifarious, omnivorous, omnicompetent, and > omnidirectional. Why is it that some of your incarnations claim to be > omnipotent as if the were not aware of the difference between that and > omniscience? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, the omnigenous nature of my incarnations are } omnipresent. I agree, they could certainly benefit from an omnirange as } they ride the omnibus of incarnality. However, their omnium-gatherum } will likely only increase as their search for enlightenment moves } beyond the prefix omni. } } You owe the Oracle a better thesaurus. --- 1022-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise; > > We all have heard of the brave vikings, were there ever any emacskings? > My guess is that if there were they were too bloated and too slow to > get much done, as opposed to the lean and mean vikings. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You'd be wrong. You see, the emacskings could emulate the vikings when } they wanted to (M-x vikings-mode). But how much time do you really } spend rampaging and pillaging, anyways? When it comes to building } empires, not to mention attracting the religious devotion of their } followers, nothing beats an emacsking. } } You owe the Oracle a moat around Richard Stallman's castle. --- 1022-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Roland? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OracleMan: Holy wordplays Zadoc, a coded question!! To the anagram } machine!! } } INPUT> Roland? } PROCESSING... } MOST LIKELY ANAGRAM: "No lard?" } END } } Zadoc: Jeepers Oracle!! It's Juno again! He's taunting your pouch!! } } OracleMan: Never fear, Zadoc, I'm wearing my girdle! He won't find an } ounce of fat on me!! } } [Sky window crashes and in flies Juno, dragging Lisa behind him as } hostage!] } } Juno: Well, well OracleMan!! Don't move, or Lisa gets a WebTV account!! } } OracleMan: You fiendish fellon!! } } Zadoc: Let me take him, OracleMan!! } } OracleMan: No! Lisa could get hurt!! What do you want Juno!! } } Juno: I know you have lovehandles!! I want you to remove that girdle } you're wearing, so I can ridicule you in front of all your fans!! } Hahaha!!! } } Zadoc: Don't do it, OracleMan, think of the readers!! Your Image!! } } Lisa: He's right OracleMan, don't worry about me, I'll e-mail you from } the other side, even if it is from a WebTV account!! } } OracleMan: No!! I cannot sacrifice you, Lisa!! I'll give in!! } [removes girdle, belly plops out like a pregant whale] } } Juno: Hahaha!! I win!! You're a chubby chunkster!! Your image is gone!! } Hahaha!! } } OracleMan whispers to Zadoc: He's distracted!! Get him!! } } ZOOM!!!! } KAPOWIE!!!! } BLADAAM!!!! } } [Juno is bound and gagged on the floor, OracleMan is holding Lisa and } Zadoc poses for the camera, looking fierce] } } Lisa: Oh, OracleMan, that was so brave!! But what about your tummy-tums } and your image? } } OracleMan: I was faking it!! I just relaxed my massive stomachmuscles } and pretended to have a beergut!! I knew it was going to distract him!! } See? } [Pulls in gut again, shows off washboard stomach] } } Zadoc: Golly OracleMan, I sure hope to be as smart as you someday! } } All: Hahahaha! } } [Cue batman music, everyone does the batdance] } } You owe the Oracle a new "!" key. Mine seems to be all used up. --- 1022-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wild and woolly Oracle, who is funnier than Jerry Seinfeld, more > popular than Kelsey Gramar, and better looking that George Clooney, > hear my plea! > > If you were to be a guest on The Daily Show, which Five Questions > (tm) would you like to be asked? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Can we please give you the combined income from all the commercials } on this Network for the rest of time? } } 2) Do you care if we hired terrorists to blow-up Juno world } Headquarters? } } 3) Can we declare September as an "All Grovels, No Questions" month? } } 4) Can we tell you again how beautiful Lisa is? } } 5) We weren't out of line by killing all the world's w..dch..ks } without consulting you first, were we? } } You owe the Oracle some prime time. --- 1022-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose uvula I am unworthy to tickle: > > What exactly is the purpose of the uvula? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An excellent question, supplicant, and one whose answer has eluded } modern medicine. While commonly thought to be a vestigial growth } with no function to speak of, the uvula (or, for those whose medical } knowledge comes from reading old Far Side cartoons, "that thing that } hangs down in the back of your throat") is actually a vital survival } mechanism for modern man. } } Think about it: Modern woman has every other advantage. Between her } PMS, her cycle, and her lower sex drive, the man's constant need for } sex is thwarted. Her greater quantity of clothing, shoes, and bathroom } accessories deprive him of his need for space. Her insistence on } low-fat cuisine and dining at expensive restaurants make his favorite } foods hard to come by. The list goes on and on. } } The man's only recourse (especially now that major league sports } are marketing themselves to women more) is to use his uvula. } An instinctive survival mechanism kicks in while the man sleeps, } causing the uvula to vibrate against the throat, and creating a deep } roar that awakens the woman. Of course, this causes some unpleasant } side effects such as elbows in the ribs, but the man has gotten his } purpose accomplished. The fact that the sound is unintentional } provides him with protection from the woman's normal defense of } pouting. } } So, you see, supplicant, the ... oh, hi Lisa. Nothing, just finishing } up an answer. Are you ready for bed? Okay, I'll be right there. } } You owe the Oracle a nightshirt with padded rib protectors. --- 1022-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Horrific Oracle, you terrify me. I run screaming, trying to escape > your mighty ZOT, when I have not even mentioned woodchuxx. My hair > stands on end. My toenails curl. My belly-button lint catches > on fire. > > That's not the end of my problems... I wrote a song about you, but > every time I sing it, people throw things at me. How can I get them > to appreciate good music? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Before each performance; } } * Stop running } * Stop screaming } * comb your hair back down } * uncurl your toenails; and put on some socks and shoes } * extinguish the fire in your navel } } OR } } *take your act as is to Venice Beach, California. } } You owe the Oracle a tape of The Chainsaw Juggling Brothers' last } show.