From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jun 10 16:25:41 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id QAA08927; Wed, 10 Jun 1998 16:25:41 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 10 Jun 1998 16:25:41 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199806102125.QAA08927@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1026 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1026 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1026 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 10 Jun 1998 16:25:41 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1026 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1021 81 votes ffhld ilih7 eirg6 9jlo8 66fyk anpf8 6nwc8 2frqb 7imld 4exp5 1021 3.1 mean 3.0 2.7 2.8 3.0 3.7 2.9 2.9 3.4 3.2 3.2 --- 1026-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh really wise and great Oracle, > Whose genius is as boundless as the universe, > Whose strength makes Superman look like a sissy, > Whose wealth is greater than Bill Gates', > Who, so I was once told, stopped a stampeding herd of buffalo with > just a mean look, > > Do either you or the truly beautiful and desirable Lisa having any > body piercings? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ohm, thut up. We're new at thith, okay? Be nithe to uth, or ath thoon } ath we get untangled, you'll find the Thtaff of Thot pierthing you } where you leatht ekthpect it. } } The Oracle oweth you a pierthing thcream. --- 1026-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most Great and Wise Oracle, who's feet I would beg to kiss, who's > word I pray to hear, and who's nasal hair I secretly wish to trim, > please answer this oh-so-unworthy supplicant's question: > > Well, ok, here goes.. See, for some odd reason, I stopped getting the > Oh-So-Wonderful Orcacularites a time ago, and when I re-subscribed, I > was in dismay! It seemed you had hired new worms to grovel 'neath your > feet.. Tell me, Orrie, just who ARE Kendai and Zodoc, and the Rhodites? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ( To the tune of "Where is Thumbkin?" ) } } Who is Zodoc? Who is Zodoc? } Zadoc's twin! Zadoc's twin! } Though he doesn't serve me, } He can still unnerve the } Newbie priests. Newbie priests. } } Who is Kendai? Who is Kendai? } Zadoc's friend! Zadoc's friend! } Has to work through college, } So he dispenses knowledge } With a 'tude. With a 'tude. } } Who are Rhodites? Who are Rhodites? } They're my flock! They're my flock! } If you beg and grovel, } Asking questions novel, } You're one too! You're one too! } } You owe the Oracle a similar explanation of the members of the US } Senate. --- 1026-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most logical Oracle who knows whether a Turing machine will halt > or not on a given input tape, and knows the difference between a von > Neumann machine, a von Neumann architecture and a von Neumann algebra: > > I am porting linux to work on Babbage's Analytical Engine, but I > am having some trouble. Can you tell me where I can find a device > driver for a 2-inch sprocket? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go down to Ned Ludd's house. He'll be glad to lend you one. } } You owe the Oracle some lace cards... he's running out of doilies. --- 1026-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All bow before the Oracle who has scattered abroad his gifts to the > poor of wit, those suffering from an embarrassment of knowledge, those > who are just plum clueless, which in his eyes is all of us! > > I have heard that you have cut a deal with the O'Reilly people and are > about to release a tech manual. What exactly will the text be about? > What cool creature will be depicted in the traditional O'Reilly woodcut > on the cover? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Deity Publicists, LLC } 1 Arda Way } Olympus, CA 90210 } } Humble Supplicant: } } Thank you for your interest in The Internet Oracle's forthcoming } O'Reilly release! } } We here at Deity Publicists are very excited about Mr. Oracle's unique } perspective on both life in Olympus and Network Systems, and due to its } recent merger with Harlequin Romance, O'Reilly seemed to be the perfect } publisher for his thoughts. Deity has made no formal announcements or } releases regarding this project, but due to your helpfulness in } tracking down our unfortunate information leak, (He will be chastised. } Severely.) The Oracle has graciously allowed us to provide you with a } 'sneak preview'. } } "My 500 Days On Olympus: Sex, Lies, and Network Administration" is the } first in O'Reillequin's line of Technical Romance, combining the } page-turning writing style of modern romance with the raw expertise of } today's best how-to books. Mr. Oracle hopes that this volume will } provide system administrators the world over with useful tips for } router maintenance, printer sharing, and syrup/lubricant selection. } Included below is a brief excerpt from "500 Days": } } "Strange and lissome images danced on the curtain, flickering shadows } of passion cast by the roaring fire. I stepped carefully into the } shadows, as the unbridled, frenzied sounds continued, rising like the } clamor of an alt.sex.* newsgroup. The sounds became almost } intelligible: } } 'Mm... Oh! 32-bit protected protocols! NetBEUI! IPX! TCP/IP! } It can even client 16-bit real mode Banyan VINES! YES! Ah...' } } I stepped quietly out of the room, shaking my head. What was it about } Windows 95 that turned Aphrodite into such a... well, love goddess? I } shuddered; what would happen when Hephaestus found out? I hoped those } poor '95 sysadmins were well on their way before the ol' boy got home; } he'd turn 'em into unix." } } We expect to release "500 Days" in mid-November; several studios have } already expressed interest in the concept. } } Very Sincerely Yours, } Trevor Snodgrass } Deity Publicists, LLC. } } PS While we here at Deity have considered both a scantily clad Lemur } and Madonna as possible cover animals, Mr. Oracle is lobbying heavily } for a duotone portrait of an eviscerated woodchuck. No final decision } has been reached. } } You owe The Oracle an eviscerated woodch*ck. --- 1026-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh quantitatively multidimensional Oracle, forceful in gravitas, > > are post-quantum computers really possible? If so, how long will it be > before they're made? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Several major CPU manufacturers had already built and planned to ship } quantum-decision-gate-based computer systems in late 1997, however they } discovered that about 50% of the times the test consumers opened the } shipping boxes, all they found inside was a dead cat. } } Even when they could get them out of the boxes and set up correctly, } they still had problems in that the OS, instead of causing GPF's, would } experience "catastrophic quantum assertiveness failures." In other } words, they'd suddenly pop out of existence, sometimes taking the test } consumer with them if they didn't have a secure enough self-image. } (I've personally shipped several to Redmond, WA, but that little bugger } has the biggest ego....) } } There were also problems with performance: If they opened the box to } make sure the CPU was installed correctly, nobody could ever figure out } how fast it ran, and vice-versa. } } You owe the Oracle a smoke-based computer system. (But they stop } working when the smoke all gets out...) --- 1026-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's in a mail today? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's look, shall we? } } This looks good . . . } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 14:13:19 -0500 (EST) } From: The Internet Oracle } Subject: Answer #Qa00000, the Oracle requires an answer to this } question. To: The Internet Oracle Incarnated as } } Now what's this? One per second? } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 14:13:20 -0500 (EST) } From: MMF } Subject: Make Money Fast } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 14:13:21 -0500 (EST) } From: MMF } Subject: Fast Make Money Fast } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 14:13:22 -0500 (EST) } From: MMF } Subject: Make Money Fast Last } . } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:23 -0500 (EST) } From: MMF } Subject: Last Make Money Fast } ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ That'll be the day } } Man, I get sick of deleting that tripe. } Ok, edit the killfile. } Anything with "money", } anything all CAPS, } anything with an "!". } Now let's see what we are left with. } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:24 -0500 (EST) } From: Twinkie } Subject: Take Cash Fast } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:25 -0500 (EST) } From: Twinkie } Subject: Free Pix(was: Take Cash Fast) } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:26 -0500 (EST) } From: Twinkie } Subject: Free Sex(was: Take Cash Fast) } . } } Add to killfile -- Sex -- Cash } . } . } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 18:33:46 -0500 (EST) } From: Twinkie } Subject: Hi there, I'm catching on to mail filters. } } Damn. } } Ok, only allow mail from The Oracle. } } Message_Body: < } } A: Space, the final frontier ... } } Message_Body: flink flonk flunk } } A: How do you conjugate the verb flink? } } Message_Body: M1cr050ft RULZ3 } } A: 1) Reboot 2) Reboot 3) Reboot } } Message_Body: What's inna mail today? } } A: Spam. } } (grumble, grumble) } No grovels. What next? W**dch**ks? } I'm duin the best I can Cap'n, but I canna stand the } strrainn! } } (picks up Zot Staff, a great cloud of smoke appears } where the screen used to be.) } } You owe the Oracle a spam filter that works. --- 1026-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most wired and percolated Oracle, S/He who's ambition is never > lacking and who's bladder never needs emptying; Please enlighten this > poor supplicant. > > My friends and Co-Workers say I have a caffeine problem. I only drink 4 > double mocha's in the morning and a six pack each of Pepsi and Coke in > the afternoon. I find the caffeine make me more productive. For > example, I wrote this message in all caps (for some reason I feel the > need to write everything in all caps) but to spare you I wrote a > program on my other computer with my other hand that filters the text > and makes it 'normal'. > > My friends say the caffeine has made me to exite-able and makes me > ramble on and on and on and on without ever pausing and frequently > changing topics but I think they are exaggerating. > > Which reminds me that I need to clean the tops of the ceiling tiles in > my office after I disinfect all the phones in the office, what was i > talking about? Oh, Yeah! my question: > > 1.) Do you think I have a caffeine problem. > > 2.) If so how can I get off the stuff without the terrible withdrawal > headache? > > thankyouverymuchIgottagomakesomecoffee, > > Joe And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } "OfCourseYouHaveACaffeineProblemSupplicantItIsObviousThatYouCantHandleIt } IsuggestExtremelyStrongPeppermintsNotOnlyWillTheySettleYourStomachBut } YourBreathWillBeAbleToStunASeagullFromAtLeastAHundredFeetAway." } } "YouOweTheOracleANewSetOfCoffeePotFiltersTreatedWithAntiDecaf } Supplement." --- 1026-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As true as steel, as plantage is to the moon, as the sun is to day, as > a turtle to her mate, as iron to adamant, thus is the Oracle to > Knowledge! > > If you could kill off all but two mortals on Earth and then use them > as an "Adam and Eve" to start over again who would you choose and > why? > > I thank you for your efforts on this question Mighty Oracle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This question was so interesting, everybody wanted to answer: } } Og: Who Adam? } Oracle: Me and Lisa. } Zadoc: Zadoc and Lisa. } Remaining Priesthood [after Zadoc's zotting]: Orrie and Lisa. } Og: Who Eve? } Lisa: Leonardo di Caprio and Lisa. } Leonardo di Caprio [after Titanic size zotting]: Orrie and Lisa. } Bill Clinton: Just who is this Lisa? } Bill Clinton [after Big Mac size zotting]: Orrie and Lisa. } Og: Og not have clue who Adam and Eve, but Og say Orrie and Lisa. } } Looks like it's unanimous! } } You owe the Oracle some trained chimps to run the service } industries of Eden. --- 1026-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose shoes never get gum on the soles, please > tell me... > > You've got espresso, cappuccino, latte, and cafe' au lait, plus > there's all those flavorings. What ever happened to a cup of coffee, > with a little bit of milk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Economics my friend economics. See here supplicant, here's a potato. } Now, how much would you pay for this potato? } } > 20 cents I guess } } OK, I do a quick slice and fry up. Now it's a packet of crisps. } How much would you pay for that very same potato? } } > 40 cents, maybe } } OK, now I slice it thicker, and make crinkle cut french fries. } How much would you pay for that? } } > I dunno. 'bout a dollar maybe. } } See, the more it's processed, the more you pay for it. What do you } expect commercial food suppliers with half a brain to do? Now, I cut } it up a bit, shape it, roll it, there, a Toyota GT-One fully gassed } up and ready to win Le Mans. That'd go for about a cool million. } } > From a potato? How did you do that? } } I *am* The Oracle you know. Now, do you understand the answer to } your question? } } > Yes, by calling the coffee by strange names, and making increasingly } > esoteric drinks from it, complete suckers like, oh er, erm, me, } > pay increasing amounts for what is essentially the same thing. } } Correct. You owe The Oracle a Dune Buggy. } } > Can't I just give you a potato and you can make yourself one? } } ><><><><><>< ZOT ><><><><><><>< --- 1026-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, Gilbert and Sullivan are long dead, so this is a > metaphysical speculation, but an interesting one nontheless... > > If Gilbert and Sullivan were alive today, what would they be writing > their comic operas about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A very interesting Question supplicant. } } I decided to write a simulation to answer you question. Using } HoloDeck(TM) technology I programmed G & S into the modern world and } watched them work. } } Of course there were a few bugs. They kept not meeting, or shooting } each other, or running of with some lover or another. But once I got } the bugs worked out it worked wonderfully. Below is a list of the } original musicals compared to the musical movies they wrote in the } modern world: } } Original Modern } -------- ------ } } Thespis Sepsis: The outbreak } Trial by Jury Trial by Jury [some things don't change. } The Sorcerer The Programmer -Oracle] } HMS Pinafore U.S.S. Tailhook } Pirates of Penzance Pirates of www.Penzance.com } Patience Patience got a gun } Iolanthe Iolanthe in the Hood } Princess Ida My own private Princess Ida ho } Mikado Mikado: Corperate Raider } Ruddigore Al Gore } The Yeomen of the Guard Yeoman of Starfleet } The Gondoliers The Cabbies } Utopia, Limited Utopia, Limited; docu-drama about crack cocaine } The Grand Duke Bill Gates } } So you see the modern world would have had a very polluting effect on } these guys. Especially Princess Ida, where they dabbled in a musical } porno movie. Pretty scary. Although I must admit that "I am the very } model of a modern FBI hacker tracker" from www.Penzance.com works well. } } You owe the Oracle a modern interpration of the collected works } of Shakespear.