From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jun 23 07:40:20 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id HAA19838; Tue, 23 Jun 1998 07:40:20 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 23 Jun 1998 07:40:20 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199806231240.HAA19838@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1029 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1029 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1029 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 23 Jun 1998 07:40:20 -0500 (EST) *** The publication of Internet Oracularities Digests will be on a short *** hiatus until the ides of July, while your editor vacations in Chile, *** Argentina and Brazil. The Internet Oracle and its Priesthood will *** remain in operation, however, so please continue to use the Oracle to *** create oustanding Oracularities. We'll catch up with the publication *** of the best ones across the remainder of the summer, er, season. To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1029 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1024 84 votes 1eAq7 3mxn3 acwjb 1govc 5toi8 cqub5 6fmkl fpv94 7gso9 evpb3 1024 3.0 mean 3.3 3.0 3.1 3.4 2.9 2.7 3.4 2.5 3.1 2.5 --- 1029-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: Mr. I. Oracle (alias U. Oracle) > > Re: Temporal Disturbances > > Dear Sir: > It has come to our attention that you have been generating rifts in the > general space-time continuum as evidenced by the appearance of one Mr. > Og, a resident of the the paleolithic era. Further examination of > these rifts have shown that other temporal disturbances have spun off > your initial rift and have begun changing the nature of reality through > alterations of previous time continuums. By our calculations, these > temporal shifts will reach back to the beginning of time in October of > 1999. > > Shifts in the space-time continuum originating as far back as the > beginning of time could have far reaching effects such as: > > 1) Erradication of all life in the known universe including all > supplicants and priests. Our research indicates that without anyone > to ask questions, you, the Internet Oracle, would cease to exist. > > 2) Woodchucks becoming the dominant species. > > 3) Staff Technologies being bought out by Microsoft just before the > release of ZOT 2.0.1 when they finally repaired the faulty backfire > release error. > > 4) Gilbert Godfried becoming president of the United States, making > somebody with a voice even more annoying than Ross Perot's the most > powerful mortal in the world. > > In order to prevent these tragedies, we request that you cease your > excursions into other time-spaces and return Og to his residence in the > Paleolithic era. > > Sincerely, > Lieutenant Joseph McNamara > Office of Temporal Investigations > Phone: (323) 555-8794 > FAX: (323) 555-8895 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmmm..... HOI! ZADOC } } [Zadoc comes crawling in on his knees backwards as is his wont. He bows } before The Oracle and empties a large container of yogurt in his hair] } } Oh Wise Oracle, thou most perfect master before whom I, your lowly } servant Zadoc, am prepared to turn myself into a strawberry cheesecake, } nay a baked strawberry cheesecake with fresh cream should it please thy } light and fluffiness. } } Hmm. Zadoc, you wouldn't happen to be hungry would you? } } No master, why do you ask oh highly spiced one? } } Oh, never mind. Zadoc, where's Og right now? } } In the Andromeda Constellation master. You did say that those Mammoth } beings, the ones that didn't grovel needed to be taught a lesson. } } Hmmm. I think we'll have to call Og back early. What question did they } ask? } } "How many Mams would a Mammoth moth if a Mammoth would moth Mam?" oh } most extra-virgin cold pressed one. } } Maybe we'll leave him there just a bit longer. But, as soon as he } returns, it's straight back to the Paleolithic Era for him for good. } } But most crispy Master, what about Og's other appointments? [Zadoc } unfolds a scroll which rolls out the door of the throne room, down the } hall, down some stairs, around the corner, bonks Kendai on the head, } pushing it into the toilet bowl that he was cleaning. } } Arrgghh!!! } } I'm sorry Zadoc, the temporal consistency of the whole Universe is at } stake, and.... } } WEEEWOOOOWWWWOOOOWWWWOOOO [Og materialises in the throne room] } } Og here. Og thank O-ra-kul much fun job. Og club many Mammoth. Og } think, 8 inch Mammoth not real chal-lenge Og a-bil-i-ty. Og say 'but'. } Og make fun see how many Og club same time. } } Og, glad to see you. Og, I've got bad news for you. You're going back } to the Paleolithic Era. } } Og ask why that bad new? Og see Ogwa, Oglings. Og many pre-sent. Og } much hap-py, much want see fa-mi-ly smile face. } } Og, you don't understand, you're going back for good. Forever. Your } trips around the universe, through time and space, are over. } } Og ask what hap-pen time mile? Og tra-vel long time, get free time } mile. O-ra-kul say, Og col-lect time mile, get free trip. Og much time } mile go back for-ward many time free. Og still use time mile? } } Sorry Og, you can't use your time miles. You've got to go back and } stay back. } } Og say, Og see Og much like for-mu-la one dri-ver Mi-chael Schu-mac-her } smash Mika Hak-ki-nen car win cham-pi-on-ship? } } Sorry Og, you'll have a lifetime of remembering Mika Hakkinen in the } lead. } } Og much sad. Og much sad. Og ask, Og have one load 'am-mo' for } 'how-itz-er'? Og want kill last re-main Cro-mag-non? } } Last remaining WHAT????!!?!!?!? How many did you say were left Og? } } Og say one Cro-Mag-non left, old man. Og kill ease own hand. Og say } 'but'. Og how-itz-er much fun. } } ONE!?!?!?!?!? ZADOC! Turn the television on. } } Yes, most freshly ground one I will OW!!! } } [The television warms up, Bill Clinton prepares to speak] } } Phew! It looks OK. } } BILL HERE. BILL WANT SPEAK NA-TION. BILL MAKE NEW DE-CIDE. } BILL THINK TOO MANY JAP-AN-ESE SPIKY CLUB IM-PORT AM-ER-I-KA. } BILL THINK, AM-ER-I-KAN MAN MAKE CLUB NEED JOB. BILL THINK, } STOP IM-PORT JAP-AN-ESE SPIKY CLUB MAKE AM-ER-I-KA GREAT } A-GAIN. BILL SAY.... } } [Zap! The channel changes] } } Oprah... she looks the same. } } OP-RAH HERE. OP-RAH BRING MANY FE-MALE MEET TALK PROB-LEM. } OP-RAH FIND FE-MALE MUCH PROB-LEM MAN DRINK TOO MUCH DI-NO-SAUR } BLOOD. OP-RAH COL-LECT FE-MALE SAME PROB-LEM. OP-RAH ASK JUL-IE } WHEN JUL-IE WHEN DJUG FIRST COME HOME DRINK TOO MUCH DI-NO-SAUR } BLOOD. } } [Zap! The channel changes] } } LIS-TEN PER-SON PROB-LEM WITH CAVE? LIS-TEN PER-SON THINK } CAVE DRAB? STORE HAVE RED OCHRE. STORE RED OCHRE BEST RED } } [Zap] } } SCAR-LET DAM-MIT. RHETT MUCH LOVE SCAR-LET. RHET SAY... } } [Zap] } } SCOT-TY TELL CAPT-AIN, EN-GINE NOT TAKE. EN-GINE NOT TAKE. } SCOT-TY SAY, SCOT-TY NOT MAKE GUA-RAN-TEE. } } MAN DEAD JIM. } } [Zap] } [Zap] } [Zap] } [Off] } } Og think box with pic-tures much im-prove. Og ask, O-ra-kul get ca-ble? } } Zadoc, it's gone, the world's gone. Are we still getting questions? } } I apologise for making you wait even for a second o perfectly jelled } one. } } Ugh here.[RETURN] } } Bogh here.[RETURN] } } Togh here. Togh lie ground be-fore O-ra-kul[RETURN] } } Zadoc, do you realise what we've done? We've changed the whole course } of time? } } Have we returned to the deep distant past of the digests in the 980s } oh most rarely fried one. } } Yes, we have. Oh well, if you can't beat them, join them. Throw me that } animal skin will you? } } Right away, delicately flavoured one. } } You owe The Oracle a club, the address of a cave, and a bone flute. --- 1029-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, you have the best hooligans...er...I mean priests, > and you shoot the most accurate corner shots of anyone. > > Who's going to win the World Cup this year, and what will happen in the > aftermath? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The World Cup will be won by the most successful team. I'm rooting for } Romania, but I refuse to use my imp^H^H^Homnipotence, it wouldn't be } fair. } } As for the aftermath: naptime --- 1029-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > DO NOT ANSWER THIS QUESTION > > This question has been in the Oracle's queue for 2 years, 13 weeks and > seven days. This is a world record. You can have good luck if you > delete this message and do not respond to it or pass it on to your > friends. > > If you do answer it, though, bad luck will follow. Bob Willikins > answered it, and the very next day his grandmother was run over by a > monster truck. Arthur Merton answered it, and was immediately flattened > by a meteor. > > DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN. DON'T ANSWER THE QUESTION. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, I may only be an incarnation, but I am an incarnation of the } almighty Oracle so I do know that nothing catastrophic is going to } happen to me if I answer this question. } } So please try to frighten som^~@.A --- 1029-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > H'lo Oh Orrie Most Splendiferous! > > May I be the first to congratulate Og on his leading the scoring at the > World Cup in France! > > Scorers chart: World Cup 98. > > Player Goals > > OG 4 > Salas (Chile) 2 > Hernandez (Mexico) 2 > > 4 goals in 10 games! Attaboy Og! Way to go - I do find it a little > strange the way you appear to be playing for more than one team, but > who cares? I don't suppose you could see about managing a couple for > England on Monday against the Tunisians could you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Click of television turning on. On the screen, we see a sportscaster } and a caveman. The sound of cheering fans is deafening. In the } background, we see a rowdy crowd of English soccer fans dismantling the } Eiffel Tower and hitting each other with bits of it.] } } SPORTSCASTER: Mr. Og, your performance so far in the World Cup has } been nothing less than stunning! To what do you } attribute your success? } } OG: Black-white ball just like cut-off head of Og enemy Thag. Og } spend many night kick Thag head around. } } SPORTSCASTER: Fascinating. Now, it appears that you're on the rosters } of several different teams. How can that be? } } OG: Og just like to kick ball. When Og want to kick ball, when people } not look, Og spiky club man who kick ball -- Og pick weak man, } weak man bad for herd -- hide man in cave, come back, kick ball. } } SPORTSCASTER: I see -- so you've simply been replacing other soccer } players. That would also explain the sudden spate of } athletes found roaming the countryside with huge lumps } on their head and gaps in their memory. Well, whether } you're actually supposed to be on the field or not, your } amazing technique has made you the subject of an } incredible bidding war among the various teams in } competition here. How does that make you feel? } } OG: Og just happy to be here. Og just want to help team. } } SPORTSCASTER: And there you have it. Honest words from an honest } caveman. } } [The sportscaster begins strolling desultorily as Og produces a huge } hunk of mammoth meat and begins gnawing at it sloppily.] } } SPORTSCASTER: What does the future hold for this brave sportsman? His } financial picture, at least, seems quite rosy. England, } worried about their Monday match against Tunisia, have } offered Og many spiky clubs, many animal skins, and a } few caves, thereby topping Tunisia's offer of many spiky } clubs, a few animal skins, and a cave. If Tunisia ups } the ante to include many caves, it will be difficult for } England to improve upon such an offer, since Og doesn't } comprehend numbers higher than "many". Whatever } happens, the world of soccer may never be quite the } same. For ABC, this is G. Enericsportscaster, signing } off. } } [As the sportscaster wraps his report up, Og runs between him and the } camera, bellowing "WOMAN!" and chasing a terrified French lass. } Meanwhile, the English soccer fans have left the scene so that they may } commence blowing up the Louvre with nuclear warheads.] } } You owe the Oracle a gooooooooooooal! --- 1029-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle > Who knows all > Answer this question > Be it big or small! > > When, do you think, is the right age to have sex. Do you think it is ok > to masterbate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's look at the options here: } } The Stone Age: During this period, sex was performed with a great deal } of energy and enthusiasm, although it lacked a degree of } sophistication. Sex enhancement paraphernalia was virtually } nonexistent. } } The Bronze Age: Energy and enthusiasm were still the most noticeable } aspects of sex during this time period. However, a greater degree of } social organization thrusted forward the development of primitive } orgies, and such paraphernalia as whips and bronze chain became } available to the wealthy. For those wishing to pursue true } sophistication, the god Pan was always willing to demonstrate his } innovative techniques for tumbling nymphs. } } The Iron Age: Sexual sophistication rose to a new peak of maturity } during this period. The social ritual of the orgy climaxed in Rome, } and iron chain surmounted the bronze kind (Although some connoisseurs } prefer silver and gold chains.) Tantric Buddhism was coming to its } height, and so sex was widely recognized as a path to enlightenment in } the Indian subcontinent and Tibet. } } The Middle Ages, also known as the Dark Ages: Sadly, this time period } was a low point for sex, at least in Europe. The wide embrace of the } Church, with it commandments such as "Thou shalt not commit adultery" } and suchlike did much to smother an enjoyable pastime. The low degree } of travel did not permit much intercourse with any but ones near } neighbors. Many sophisticated techniques were lost, and even the } enthusiasm and energy of the Stone and Bronze ages was lacking. } Fortunately, the precious knowledge explored in Asia was nurtured } beyond the current smothering embrace of Catholicism. Contrary to } rumor, sex is not at all better in the Dark Ages. } } The Age of Reason: With the new availability of fine fabrics suitable } for lingerie, sex began to experience a Rennissance. The Church was } still strong, however, and so most of what happened was simply the } recovery of some of the knowledge and techniques lost in the Dark Ages. } Commerce with Asia helped spread some carnal knowledge, however. } } The Colonial Age: The Explorations of Columbus and others opened up } much virginal territory for hard headed Europeans to sally forth and } plant their seeds. The young countries of the new world came to } maturity, bursting onto the world with their newfound strength. } } The Age of Invention: An orgy of mechanical enhancments pricked up } flagging interest as they vibrated onto the scene. } } The Age of Aquarius: People came together with play in the fore of } their minds, reawakening private secrets once thought lost. The Age of } Aquarius combined the anchient techniques of Rome will all the modern } devices now available. Sex was coming to an new climax. } } The Atomic Age: At the beginning of the Atomic Age, sex exploded onto } the scene. Unfortunately, this modern affair seemed to be a one night } stand, with the great powers entering a long, cold war relationship. } Yet now the ice seems to be melting, and the long frigidity comes to an } end. The West must tightly embrace our former foes. } } So there you have it supplicant! Sex has been with us throughout the } Ages, so it is fine whenever you want to do it. As for masturbation, } it's sex with someone you love. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Mel Brooks' _History of the World_, the } X-rated version. --- 1029-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, who has access to libraries past, present, and future, > who knows the printer's art backwards... > > What are the best books that were never written? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top Ten Books that Were Never Written } ------------------------------------------ } } 10. Programming in C++, by Bill Gates. } 9. Windows 95 for Experts. } 8. Diana, Princess of Speed. (They were going to make a movie of } this one starring Kevin Costner) } 7. Any autobiography of Kylie Minogue or Jason Donovan. } 6. Budgie Jumping -- Irish Bloodsports. } 5. Jane's Modern Combat Spanners. } 4. Lobsters, and the men that love them. } 3. Weapons of Crass Distruction Volume 2: Spice Girls. } 2. Alien Live (Thank goodness -- Resurrection was *bad enough*). } 1. Roseanne: My Secret Life As a Woman. } } You owe the Oracle Roseanne's makeup artist. --- 1029-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Timeless Wonder Of the World, Saint of the Unseen El > Worlds, Large Powerful USENET Dude, please answer my question; > > What will local governments do with the buildings libraries > are in after everyone quits ready books? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From the shadows in the alley comes a voice: } "So, evil one, you think we would not see through this disguise of the } lowly supplicant? Your illiteracy scheme will not work this time, } Bookworm!!! We are here to stop you!!!" } } From the shadows leap four figures in black ninja outfits: } } Stephen King - brandishing a bo staff, } } Robert Heinlein - clutching a katana, } } Isaac Asimov - swinging a pair of sai, } } Ernest Hemingway - knocking around a pair of nunchuks. } } Robert: "We are: } THE MIDDLE AGED MUTANT NINJA AUTHORS!" } } (And Piers Anthony can bee seen sitting on a garbage can, wearing a } silly little pointy hat, holding a little flag in one hand that says, } "Go MAMNA!" and a "We're #1" big foam hand on the other, cheering } inanely and taking notes for his next series of 28 books, about dead } ninja authors and Oracular powers, due out next month.) } } Isaac: "Sorry about Piers showing up. We just can't lose him." } } The Bookworm: "Curses! You darned Authors always show up to foil my } plans! Well, not this time, I think! MY WARRIORS! TO ME!" } } From the shadows on The Bookworm's side of the alley leap a dozen } figures clad in grey ninja outfits. They pose menacingly, but none of } them look at all familiar. The MAMNA pause for a moment, looking a } little confused, scratching their heads. } } Stephen: "Ummm, pardon our ignorance, but *who* are they?" } } The Bookworm: "These? These are the authors of annoying romance } novels, dreary gothic horror wannabes, interminable series based on } Doom, D&D, Star Wars and Star Trek, and Alan Dean Foster. The very } things that stifle the urge to continue reading by fans of great } literature! MY WARRIORS! ATTACK!!" } } The bad authors leap into action, wailing about them with their } weapons, screaming badly ad-libbed Japanenglish phrases like } "Banzai!!", "Mitsubishi Zero!!!" and "Sushimi Hong Kong!!!" while } flying through the air for many many yards at a time a-la really bad } Kung-Fu movies. The MAMNA simply bat them down left and right like ... } like ... like excellent authors coming up with a very good simile. } } Before very long, there is no one left but a very nervous looking } Bookworm and the MAMNA, only slightly sweaty and looking very mean. } (And Piers Anthony who, despite several severe blows to the head, from } both the Bad Authors and the MAMNA, seems none the worse for wear, his } head not being a vital organ.) } } The Bookworm: "But ... but ... *how* did you find out about my plan to } flood the book market with badly-written pulp crap, causing people } worldwide to stop reading, and giving me a planet of emtpy libraries to } use as my local bases of operation in my ultimate scheme for world } domination?" } } Isaac: "We had a tip. From someone even more knowledgable about a lot } more stuff than me, even." } } The Bookworm: "Who? Who is this great intelligence who has thwarted my } evil scheme?" } } The Oracle: (Appearing behind The Bookworm) "Me. The Internet } Oracle." } } (When The Oracle places his hand on The Bookworm's shoulder, The } Bookworm gives off a remarkably girly scream.) } } The Bookworm: "EEEEEEEEE! The Oracle! Oh no! I know about you! Oh, } oh NO! If I'm in this with you, and I was silly enough to disguise } myself as a supplicant, then that means .. that means ... I owe you } something!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" } } The Oracle: "Yep, you got it. So, why don't you just come quietly with } me to pay off your debt. Piers has a new series of books he'd like to } read to you. Personally. Out loud. 47 of them. They're about } Cyber-ninja in a virtual reality world. At least the first three are. } They get pretty silly after that." } } The Bookworm: "EEEEEEEE!!!! NO!! DEATH FIRST! PLEASE!!!" } } (The Bookworm breaks down crying as The Oracle gathers him up to take } him back to a locked room deep in the Oracular Dungeons for a long, } long companionship with Piers Anthony.) } } The Oracle: "Hey, thanks guys! Good job!" } } Stephen: "No problem Oracle. I just got done writing another 1200 } pages on my new novel today, so I needed a break anyway." } } Robert: "I always appreciate the chance to beat up some repressive } fascist thugs! Plus, it beats being dead!" } } Isaac: "I'll second that, Robert. I have some new ideas about The } Afterlife I'd like to write a few books about, as well as about thirty } other topics I've had some time to think about..." } } Ernest: "I don't like these tights. They make me look queer." } } The Oracle: "This is the late 20th century, Ernie. Everyone knows by } now that you were a closet homosexual, but it doesn't diminish the } impact you had on the literary world. There's a nice leather bar just } up the street, though." } } Ernest: "Oooo, sweet!" } } (The Oracle vanishes in a puff of smoke, taking a weeping Bookworm and } a babbling Piers Anthony with him.) } } You owe The Oracle the complete works of Stephen King, Robert Heinlein, } Isaac Asimov and Ernest Hemingway - autographed. --- 1029-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does the sun shine? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE INTERNET ORACLE'S TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE SUN SHINES } } 10). Nuclear fusion. Didn't you pay attention in Stellar Physics 101? } } 9). The world's governments have been secretly dumping radioactive } waste into it for decades. } } 8). All the glowing praises sun worshippers have been heaping on it } for the last millennia or so are having a positive effect. } } 7). A pair of six-volt lantern batteries the size of Jupiter (which } is why Duracell's stock was up recently) hitched to about a billion } sodium vapor light bulbs. } } 6). It doesn't really shine. It merely produces an intense absence } of dark. } } 5). It's the result of a conspiracy by Coppertone and the other sun } lotion makers to keep their sales looking good. } } 4). So Seattle residents can have something to dream about. } } 3). So Californians can have something to complain about when they } get a cloudy day. } } 2). To put Bill Gates in a constant state of envy over something that } he definitely cannot control. } } And the #1 reason why the sun shines... } } 1). Billions of years ago, The Almighty Creator of All was taking } a dump in the Great Cosmic Outhouse (this was well before indoor } plumbing). He made the mistake of lighting a match. I'm sure you can } figure out the result. } } You owe the Oracle a new MagLite (the six D-cell model) and a bottle } of SPF 15. Talk about 'Midnight Sun!' } } And let's have a decent grovel next time! Barge in here like that } again, without so much as kneeling before Me, and I will ZOT you into } your own private sun! --- 1029-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, who always knows where the remote is, > > What would the differences be in the answers to a crossover question > asked of HAL-9000, Brainiac, and Mr. Rogers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's ask them... } } <<<"Where is the remote control?">>> } } HAL-9000: Just what do you think you're watching Dave? } One moment... one moment... } I have detected a fault in the AE-35 remote control unit. } Unit will go missing in T-minus 10 minutes and 23 seconds. } } Brainiac: I don't need to know where the remote is you pathetic fool! } I can change the chanel with my telekinetic powers! } But if you'd be kind enough to help me program the VCR, I'll } be more than happy to tell you where it is! } } Mr. Rogers: Would you be mine? Could you be mine? } Won't you be... my remote. } Well.. c'mon, hurry it up, I haven't got all day here } you little brats! I need you to be my remote control! } (BOOM!) } Alright, which one of you little bastards is packin heat? } (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) } Mess with Mr. Rogers will you? Well I'll show you, you } little snot bags! It's time you learned just who rules } this neighbourhood, you filthy pukes! } (BANG! SMASH! SCREAM! RIP!) } Now look what you made me do! I shot the TV!! } Now you're all going to wish you had never been born! } (BOOOM!! WHACK! SMACK!! CRASH!!) } } You owe the Oracle a more friendly neighbourhood. --- 1029-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me... > > Why are bugs so attracted to light? And since they are, why don't they > all just fly off to the sun during the day? > > Thank you, oh most mighty and knowledgeable entities of the net. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not that bugs are so attracted to light, supplicant, it's just } that they like to, you know...see what they're doing? For instance, } take yourself. Say you had a five-page term paper due tomorrow, and } two possible places you could work on it: a brightly lit room, or a } pitch-black room with no lights to be found in it. Which one would you } pick? (Ignore the fact that you're probably sitting in a room right } now that's totally dark, except for the faint glow from your CRT.) } } Still, it's true, _some_ bugs, like moths, seem to have some kind of } _obsession_ with lights. I mean, one could understand a fly wanting to } be able to see well enough to actally find some rotting food to feast } on without bumping into everything, but these moths really don't seem } to be getting much accomplished when they're flitting around the porch } light. In an effort to get to the bottom of this, we interviewed some } moths. Here's what they had to say. } } "I still remember the first time I flew up to a light -- it } totally blew my mind, man. It was so bright...I think I saw god. } Ever since then, I've been trying to recreate that experience with } other lights. It's never been quite the same as the first time, } but...it's still groovy. Hey -- you wanna listen to some Hendrix?" } } "Once my best friend flew into a campfire and was killed } instantly. I wouldn't say I have a danger fetish...I mean, I admit } it's exciting, but...I'm sort of on a spiritual quest to see what it } was in the flame that he was willing to die for. So, yeah, I fly } near flames. I think it's the only way I can find peace. (He is } holding back tears.) He was a really special moth, man. I've never } seen anyone who could eat more wool than he could." } } "Come on, man, that's a ridiculous question. That's just like } asking someone why they _chose_ to be a homosexual. They were } _born_ that way. I mean, what's the big deal if I'm a photophile? I } like light. I was born liking light! (Pumps fist in air.) We're } HERE! Lights are things we like to fly NEAR! Get used to it!" } } So, as you can see, the reasons moths like to fly near lights are many } and complex. And you thought their apparent attraction to light } sources at night was merely a by-product of a reflex that reduces the } wing motion on the side of their body struck by light, causing them to } turn in that direction. How wrong you were. Just goes to show you can } never trust the encyclopedia. } } You owe the Oracle the latest version of Grolier's on CD-ROM.