From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jul 17 00:10:30 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id AAA18876; Fri, 17 Jul 1998 00:10:30 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998 00:10:30 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199807170510.AAA18876@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1032 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1032 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1032 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998 00:10:30 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1032 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1027 95 votes 6jsoi agvoe 2hEpb 9opmf jvmcb 6ivnh bsxg7 djgno cqwj6 etyh1 1027 3.0 mean 3.3 3.2 3.3 3.1 2.6 3.3 2.8 3.3 2.8 2.6 --- 1032-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most magnificent oracle, I love thee dearly > > This is the story of about 15 minutes of my Friday night in a > taxi-cab. I have attempted to preserve every bit of dialogue. > > Alison: The Intercontinental on Michigan, please. > Cabbie: Sure thing. > (about five minutes pass in near silence, the jazz on the radion is > near inaudible) > C: You cook with a microwave? > A: Nope, hate'em. Can't stand 'em. Don't even have one > at home. > C: Well, they won't let you have a hot plate at the YMCA. > You got to cook in a microwave. > A: I see. > C: I just started using plastic wrap. You ever use plastic > wrap? > A: I am familiar with it, yes. > C: Well, I wrapped my chicken in plastic wrap, then i micro- > waved it. > A: Really? It didn't get tough? > C: No, it was so tender. I thought the plastic would melt at > first, but it didn't. > A: Amazing. > C; The steak was even better. > A: Steak? > C: Yeah, I cooked the steak with the plastic wrap, and it was > delicious. > A: Hmmm. > C: I never used to be able to eat microwave cooking. I would > throw up. > A: That can't be good. > C: No, but these new microwaves - the Y just got them - these > new ones are great. I don't throw up. > A: Wow. > C: I made the steak with scrambled eggs and rice. I took almost > a 3/4 stick of butter and put it in with the eggs and the rice. > A: Are you trying to kill yourself eating like that? > C: I don't eat it everyday. I have it only every couple of > months. It's like pork. I don't eat pork everday. Gives me a > nosebleed. > A: A nosebleed? > C: Yeah, one time I had ham on one day, and Italian sausage the > next, and breakfast sausage, and a pork roast, and some chitterlings. > About a week later, I had a nosebleed. > A: Hmmm... > C: One day, I sat down and ate a whole roast. > A: See, you are trying to kill yourself. > C: You don't know me. I can't resist a sale. I got that roast > at 98 cents a pound. I couldn't believe it. I go to the market > everday. It's never been that cheap. > A: And you ate the whole thing? > C: I didn't know I ate the whole thing. I was too drunk to > remember. I woke up, and thought, "Damn, I left the roast in the > oven." So, when I went to get it out, there wasn't even gravy left. > A: Because you ate it? > C: Yeah, I ate the whole thing. That's why I take notes. > A: Notes? > C: Yeah, you got to take notes when you drink, so when you black > out, nobody can say that you acted crazy the night before. You got > everything written down. > A: You drink until you black out? > C: Not all the time I don't... I got a problem... I can't > drink nothing else. > A: Huh? > C: I can't take the chemicals they put in the water. I swell up > and get all itchy. Get bumps all over me. Can't drink no water, no > milk, no juice, no nothing. > A: What do you drink? > C: Got to drink beer made the old-fashioned way. They say it's > made with spring water, and they're the only ones that ain't lying. I > tried every kind of water, tap water, spring water, I tried this kind > and that kind. > A: They all have chemicals? > C: Yup. It's some kind of thing to kill the bacteria. And they > all have it. That's why I gotta drink old-fashioned. > A: Have you tried distilled water? > C: Yup. > A: Did you try a Britta filter? > C: I tried a Britta, some kind of Culligan system, and my friend > paid $1200 for his system, and he brought me over to try it. Nope. > Swelled up. > A: Unbelievable. > C: I've been living like this for 27 years. I can't drink > nothing. > A: Have you ever had allergy testing? > C: I tried everything. Doctors told me I had excema, they told > me I had acne, one even told me I had skin cancer. > A: How did you figure it out? I mean, water is in everything. > C: Well, once when I was on welfare, I got an extra check, and I > was drinking for days and days. I just kept going until my skin > cleared up. I couldn't believe it. No one could believe it. Then, > after a while, I drank some tap water, and the whole thing happened > again. My girlfriend woke up and saw me, and started screaming, cuz I > was so swollen up. > > Was I supposed to learn something from this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That Chicago's "Big Shoulders" apparently support a tiny little brain. } } You owe the Oracle some distilled beer. --- 1032-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Rats.....(Nauru Island) > Pigs.....(New Hebrides Islands) > Snails.....(Paraguay) > Rice.....(Phillipines) > Feathers.....(Santa Cruz Islands) > Coconuts.....(Car Nicobar) > Boar Tusks.....(New Guinea) > Whale's Teeth.....(Fiji) > Dog's Teeth.....(Solomon Islands) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, Next time you try copying one of my recipes, make sure you } get the ingredients and quantities right. Heres the full recipe. I just } hope you havent killed yourself yet. } } The Oracles Recipe for } Stuffed Rat Intestine Surprise! } (makes 2 portions, health nuts can go whine to the FDA) } } 2 Rats, fresh...........(Nauru Island) } 3 Pigs, Pickled.........(New Hebrides Islands) } 13 Snails................(Paraguay) } 2 lbs Rice..................(Phillipines) } 24 Songbird Feathers.....(Santa Cruz Islands) } 2 Coconuts..............(Car Nicobar) } 4 Boar Tusks (ground)...(New Guinea) } 5 Killer Whale's Teeth..(Fiji) } Lard..................(US Congress) } Vinegar...............(Paris) } Oregano...............(Oregano) } Baking Soda...........(Soda Springs) } Rubbing Alcohol.......(Yankee Stadium) } Ground Dog's Teeth....(Solomon Islands) } } Gut your rats, being carefull not to damage the intestines. You can } keep all the organs and bones for soup stock which you can can and sell } to any local SuperMarket. Then wash the intestines in warm Rubbing } Alcohol, making sure that the Membrane expands to its full length and } diameter (should be about 30 Feet by 1 inch. each). Rinse, and rub with } Republican Lard to prevent decay or any other motion whatsoever, then } wrap in plastic foil and keep cooled. } If youre Pigs are not Pickled yet, please do so now, referring to the } instructions published by Og in Ogs cookbook: "Beat food over head". } Now simmer the pigs in Oregano Water for 24 days, adding the Ground } Boars Tusk on the 18th Day to ensure thickening. If this did not result } in a thick white paste, start over, because the intestines will be } useless by the time you get another batch going due to Democratic } Drift. } Increase heat and add the Snails (deshelled), Rice, and ground Coconut } Shell (toss the meat and the juice, its worthless), and cook till the } rice is nice and tender. } Strain out the Snails and run them through a Blender set at } Thermonuclear Holocaust, to make sure they have lost all of the latent } poisons, and glow nicely. Re-add the snail mixture to the paste and } stir at low heat untill the entire pot (the pot, not the paste) has a } reading of 400mRad. You may need to add some water to keep the fluid } viscous. } Now for the most important part: Take the Killer whales teeth and } fashion a flat utensil out of them, becuase during this stage you } cannot touch the mixture or it will loose all its airiness. Seperate } the paste into two equal portions, and tie off one end of each } intestine. Into one batch, pour 1 part vinegar for each 4 parts paste } (size may vary by Tusk). Into the other, add 1 part of baking soda for } each 2 parts of paste. Mix thoroughly, adding dogs teeth to taste. } Now, fill each intestine with the paste and use whatevers left to } irradiate small farming communities, then Tie off the Intestines. } At this point, for presentation, you may want to divide the intestines } into smaller portions, depending on how many people you want to ki.... } uh, feed. You can also do Celtic Weaving, Crocheing, Sowing, or make } Baloon animals with it, but be sure that the 2 different intestine } types always stay right next to each other. } Serve with a nice Chianti or a bottle of Mutagen... Oh, and dont forget } to Duck. } } You owe the Oracle a small irradiated Farming community so he can } finally get the final ingredient to 'Great Balls of Fire', a recipe } involving whole Brains of differing species and *lots* of alcohol. --- 1032-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, some time ago I was 21. Suddenly I'm 28! What the hell went > wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear $num, } } Nothing is wrong little variable, that is your nature. You'll find } your value changing constantly over time, one time the program will be } run and you'll be 21, next time 28. Sometimes you may find yourself } undefined or zeroed out, but don't let that dismay you, as long as the } code you're in continues to be useful to the wetware you'll find } yourself changing all the time. Why you can even change during the } course of the program. And if you're lucky, some day you might even } find another variable assigned to you or you could become part of an } array! So chin up $num! It's part of life. } } until (/$later/), } } Orrie } } You owe the Oracle a useful error message. --- 1032-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Serene, > > There's a tap-tap-tapping coming from my head. What could it be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sounds like your values are shot. Gonna have to have a value job. } } It's easy to fix. Here's the steps: } } * The head is disassembled. } } * The head is put in a 300+ oven to remove blood, old ideas, dirt, } and alcohol damaged neurons. } } * If the head is a 1960 or older model, it is then put in the } double-ought shot blaster. If the head is newer than 1960 it is } put in the styrofoam blaster. These blasters will remove any } remaining debris from the head. } } * Each value is inspected for wear and damage. Values can be } damaged in a number of ways. Mostly due to abuse such as holding } two violently opposing ideas in the same part of the brain, like } Al Gore is alive/Al Gore is, well, Al Gore. } } * Each value that is damaged must be refaced and the angles } re-cut. Do not play any music or hum while doing this or that tune } may be permanently imprinted in the value. [NOTE: Purposely } embedding a tune in a value is a federal offense!] } } * Grease up a new gasket, and slap it back together. } } There you go supplicant. You owe the Oracle a snappy jingle. --- 1032-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, who can pull an all-nighter whenever he needs to. > > Why do we need to sleep? It seems so inefficient to waste so much > time doing nothing. Will this be fixed in the next system upgrade? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's when your brain is doing backups. That's why minor brain } injuries sometimes don't cause major problems -- there were extra } copies of information and programs stored somewhere in there. } } In the next system upgrade, even more vital data will be backed } up, it will run 60% faster, and there will be an index so that } you never have to spend time trying to remember something -- } you'll immediately be able to look it up. This will be in } Brain2095, which should become available sometime late in 2107. --- 1032-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, my terminal just blinks. > I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues . > I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues. > > My head spins from Virtual Reality. > I don't have Video on demand. > I can't read my Personal Newspaper, > And Shop At Home has kinks. > I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues. > I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boy, you don't know NOTHING `bout no blues... } } [ Oracle pulls out a shiny, jet electric guitar, the house lights } dim... Lisa is on bass, Og on drums. ] } } Oracle: going to do the blues, going to do Red House... } } [ Ear-shattering feedback as the ORACLE GETS DOWN! ] } } |-----11----11----------11----11----11-| } |-/10-10----------10----10----10----10-| } |-/11----11----11----11----11----11----| } |--------------------------------------| } |--------------------------------------| } |--------------------------------------| } } |-------10----10-----10-----10-----10--| } |-10/9--9-----9---9--9------9---9--9---| } |-11/10----10-----------10---------10--| } |--------------------------------------| } |--------------------------------------| } |--------------------------------------| } } There's a rhod house over yonder. } That's where my ungrateful followers stays. } Steve, there's a rhod house over yonder, } Steve, that's where my ungrateful followers stays. } I ain't been there to see my ungrateful followers } In ninety-nine and one half days. } } |------------------------------|-------------------7------9-7---------| } |-----10'~~10'~~10'~~10'~~-----|--10'-10-10'-10'-7---10-7-----10-7----| } |----------10---10---10--------|-------------9---------------------9'-| } |------------------------------|--------------------------------------| } |-9----------------------------|--------------------------------------| } |-7----------------------------|--------------------------------------| } } Wait a minute, something's wrong here, } The pgp key won't unlock this file. } Wait a minute, something's wrong, } Kinzler have mercy, this pgp key won't unlock this file. } Something's gone wrong here-- } I have a bad, bad feeling } That my ungrateful followers think I won't show them the door. } } That's alright--I still got my guitar. } } [ Oracle RIPS into a skin-tingling solo ] } } |---------------10-12'---10-------10'-| } |----12-12~~12~~------------12~~~-----| } |-11----------------------------------| } |-------------------------------------| } |-------------------------------------| } |-------------------------------------| } } |----------14'---14-12-14--10-12-12'--10h12p10----10h12p10----| } |-------12-------------------------------------12----------12-| } |-11/13-------------------------------------------------------| } |-------------------------------------------------------------| } |-------------------------------------------------------------| } |-------------------------------------------------------------| } } |-10h12p10----10-12'---10h12p10---------7--------------------| } |----------12-------------------12-10'--7-7-7h10p7-----------| } |--------------------------------------------------9-7---7/8-| } |------------------------------------------------------9-----| } |------------------------------------------------------------| } |------------------------------------------------------------| } } |------7------9p7---10p7---10p7----... } |----7---10p7-----9------7------7--... } |-9'-------------------------------... } |----------------------------------... } |----------------------------------... } |----------------------------------... } } Well, I might as well go back over yonder } Way back among the hills. } Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. } Kinzler, I might as well go back over yonder } Way back yonder across the hills. } } `cause if my ungrateful followers don't luv me no more, } I know September's next batch will. --- 1032-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is my wife being naughty? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, she is. } } I wish all the other supplicants were as quick and willing to pay the } Oracle as you are, generous supplicant. --- 1032-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle who could rent a car with his bare hands if he wished > to do so, please answer my question; > > How does one care for a paper tiger? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't know, but don't use my mom's good scissors. } } you owe the oracle a way out of my room --- 1032-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey there, Orrie most global, tell me this: > > What's the point of America ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mt. McKinley in Alaska at 20,320 ft. (6164 meters). } } You owe the Oracle an ice-pick and a Yeti. --- 1032-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > String? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Frayed knot.