From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Sep 1 07:37:45 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id HAA14480; Tue, 1 Sep 1998 07:37:45 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 07:37:45 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199809011237.HAA14480@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1046 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1046 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1046 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 07:37:45 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1046 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1041 79 votes cejdl flli4 3axna 38htm cqod4 1cpre bvla6 7gti9 8fql9 7hpm8 1041 3.1 mean 3.2 2.7 3.3 3.7 2.6 3.5 2.6 3.1 3.1 3.1 --- 1046-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, (all groveling has had to be suspended due to the lack of > decent replies) > > Why do you keep giving me crap answers to good questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } My apologies, supplicant. It seems you weren't quite up to the level of } subtle reference in my replies. Let's take a look at some of the } highlights, shall we? } } For example, you asked the following question: } } } Almighty Oracle, who understands all the laws applicable to filing } } patents in ninety-seven countries, who could have invented everything } } that ever was invented had you not been too busy chilling out, tell } } me this: } } } } I've recently invented a great perpetual motion device that *actually } } works*. I'm sure you already know how it works, so I won't bore you } } with the details. But it's the real McCoy. } } } } Problem is, the patent office refuse to let me register it, because } } they believe it's not possible (they don't realise it's possible to } } 'bend' the laws of thermodynamics a little). } } } } What can I do to protect my idea? } } And I replied: } } > you suck } } Now, while you may have thought this was merely the work of some } hotmail-crazed queue-drainer, it was in fact a reference to that unsung } genius of modern times, Mr Dyson, who invented an entirely new form of } vacuum cleaner using techniques which many believed would not work. } } "A vacuum cleaner without a bag?" they cried. "It'll never work." But } by sheer perseverance and force of personality he built a mighty } industry on that new vacuum cleaner, and is a very rich man today. } Persevere, be strong, and the patent office will accept your } application. } } Then you asked: } } } Oracle most hoopy, who can interpret any language without the aid of } } a babel fish, and who needs no guide, I have a question for you. } } } } What's the *real* answer to life, the universe, and everything? } } And I replied: } } > } } Again, a simpler querant might think they had been fobbed off with a } null answer, but someone as incisive as yourself should have noticed } that this was a reference to the teachings of Mikhail Lukin, the } reclusive Russian seer and mystic. He holds that the true secret to } life, the universe and everything can be perceived only through silence } and stillness, since before the beginning of the universe there was } only infinite peace and calm. } } In fact he's not entirely right, but this *is* the closest any human } has ever got to the truth of these things, so I was expecting you to } meet him and listen to his teachings and apply your mind to them so } that you might make the necessary breakthrough and bring insight to the } world. } } Unfortunately it's a bit late now, since he was run over trying to } cross a busy Moscow street. Still, I'm sure another Russian mystic will } be along in a millenium or so. } } Let's see, by the time your next question came you were clearly } beginning to get irate, since your grovel was well below par. You } wrote: } } } Coolish Oracle, } } } } Instruct me in the ways of knowledge, enlighten my path, tell me the } } truth: who shot JFK? } } And I replied: } } > me. haha } } Witless? Unintelligible? As you put it, 'Crap'? I think not. } } Ho Ling Me, a Vietnamese agent working for the CIA was, in fact the } second gunman that fateful day. And the irony that caused me to laugh } bitterly? I would have thought it would be simple, even for someone as } clearly obtuse as you. I refer you to the yearbook for Green Springs } High School, in which Mr Me was jokingly described as 'Most likely to } become a CIA assassin and gun down the president'. Truth, as they say, } is stranger than fiction. } } So you see, supplicant, the problem is not that you have been given } poor answers, but that you have been given the greatest answers of all, } but have failed to comprehend them. From now on you will receive } answers suited to more mediocre supplicants. Top 10 lists will fill } your mailbox. You will receive answers in the form of a dialogue } between Lisa and Og, written in the style of Quentin Tarantino. You } will have your fill of in-jokes, recycled rec.humor.funny postings and } pastiches of popular TV shows and films. } } And yet... you will always feel that by missing out on your chance to } receive unexpurgated the full wisdom of the Oracle you have missed out } on a fuller, richer life. You will evermore prowl the depths of } rec.humor.oracle.d, hoping to rediscover what it was you lost, but in } vain. I offered you wisdom, and you turned it away. } } You owe the Oracle. --- 1046-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Clever & skillful with his mind is the Oracle, and I don't mind > that he is so smart that mortals can't understand everything he says; > > What is the maxiumum speed the Universe can go in reverse? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The speed of dark. --- 1046-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the usual ransom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At last count, Windows 98 cost UKP 80. } } You owe the Oracle Redhat Linux 5.1. --- 1046-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise & Noble Oracle! > > My husband has gone on a extended business trip. He left me here alone. > I have never cheated on him. He has been a good provider, but... > couldn't I just have a quick affair? He'd never know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately for you, your husband will notice if you've cheated on } him, because he made a diagram of the board before he left so that he } could study the position. If you move or remove any piece, he'll know. } } You might try offering a draw, but at this point you should probably } just resign. Your king is pinned to your rook, and your pawn structure } is terrible. } } Let this be a lesson to you: never sacrifice center control for } material! } } You owe the Oracle a secret assignation. You bring the board. --- 1046-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Send in the clowns! > > Oh, I see they're all in rec.humor.oracle.d already. Never mind. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } >Isn't it rich?< } >Are we a pair, < } >me here at last on the ground,< } >you in midair?< } } "Orrie, what are you going on about?" } } "Sorry Lisa, just humming to myself while checking out the newsgroups" } } "So, what are you reading?" } } "Oh, several new ones... } } ... rec.humor.bright.red.siamese.fighting.fish.bubble.bubble.bubble } ... alt.dinner } ... news.re:.re:.re:.re:.re: } ... alt.flame.lusers.µsoft.&aol.&juno.&WebTV.&Hotmail.&tc } ... rec.humor.oracle.quote.alt.folklore.urban." } } "Oh, I can't stand that stuff." } } "Don't you love Farce? } ...my fault, I fear... } I thought that you'd want what I want, } sorry, my Dear!" } } "If that's what you find funny, perhaps I should just send in the } clowns." "Zadoc!, Zodoc!, Kendai!" } } } } "Whoops, don't bother, they're here." --- 1046-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O tell me greatest and wisest entity in all the 9 dimensions: > > Why puts my mother me always in the cellar when she receives strange > men? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your incoherent sentence structures embarrass her. --- 1046-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, thou who is so respected in the downs, that rabbits > come to thou and lay themselves down prone, such is the honor of > being eaten by The Oracle. > > Oracle, Sly Brown Fox here (you can call me SBF). Oracle, I used to be > one of the fastest things on the downs, catching rabbits, hares, voles, > eating berries, and whatever. But, I'm not as young as I used to be, > and am getting a bit slow. Those ferkin' rabbits hardly ever run away > any more. Now, not surprisingly, I'm getting just a little hungry. > > I've noticed that there are some other animals wandering around the > downs, large ones, that walk on their hind legs, and wear brightly > coloured fur with 'Valentino' and other things written on it. Pretty > slow too. If I could bag one of those a week. I'd live like a king. > So, how do I hunt down, and kill those big bipedal animals? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best way to catch one of those tasty bipeds is to place a personal } ad in the paper: } } SBF seeks a big, juicy man for light bondage and dinner. } I'm bright-eyed and bushy-tailed just thinking about you. } Call me -- I'm a real vixen! } } That just get you a flood of responses; plenty to keep you fed for } quite a while. Your job will be even easier if you can get them to } tie themselves up before you even get there. } } You owe the Oracle a rabbit's foot. --- 1046-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am looking to take some Oracle DB Admin on Windows NT instructror > lead classes, does anyone have any recommendations as to a good > training provider in the North East (specifically Connecticut)? Any > help would be very much appreciated. > > Thank You And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Juno Incarnation Ltd. Presents... DB HELL: The FAQ } } Q. What is database normalization? } A: It's making your tables more normal. } } Q: In what way? } A: By reducing them to average quality. } } Q: What is a transitive dependency? } A: A link between train cars. } } Q: What is a tablespace? } A: That's another term for your desktop. } } Q: When should blobs be used? } A: In Ed Wood movies. } } Q: How do I optimize a join? } A: Ask Dr. Ruth. } } Q: What is SQL? } A: Ask me later. } } You owe the Oracle a Starr schema. --- 1046-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Allright, TUO, you think you're tough? Try ME on for size! > wand> I'm the AOL Oracle, and you're toast, buddy! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have my compliments. You've dragged yourself out of the } capslock mire and learned to speak complete sentences. You have } finally become a worthy adversary. } } > I know! And now I shall take my rightful place as your } > replacement! Your staff of ZOT is across the room from } > you, and you'll never reach it before I fire my wand! } } You have a formidable weapon indeed, my friend, but it cannot } compete with *this*. } } > What is that? A computer printout? } } It is a list of sites which make pornography available via } anonymous FTP. } } > You fiend! I know what... you're trying to do! Must... } > resist... } } You cannot resist. Nature can be hidden but never truly overcome. } Look closely. You know you want it. } } > No! No! Arrrrrgh! } } Here it is, you need just ask for it and it's yours. } } > PLEASE SEND PRONO FTP LIST! } } Good boy. Nature will out, as they say; philosophers have asserted } this for centuries. It is the reason procrastination is so hard to } overcome; the reason recovering alcoholics fall off the wagon. It } is by no means solely a human failing, for the gods are prone to } recidivism as well (look how many children Zeus kept fathering, } even after promising to change). Here, you have now heard me say } words which humans might call "erudite"; what is your response? } } > } Good boy. Nature will out, as they say; philosophers have asserted } > } this for centuries. It is the reason procrastination is so hard to } > } overcome; the reason recovering alcoholics fall off the wagon. It } > } is by no means solely a human failing, for the gods are prone to } > } recidivism as well (look how many children Zeus kept fathering, } > } even after promising to change). Here, you have now heard me say } > } words which humans might call "erudite"; what is your response? } > } > ME TOO! } } Excellent. Now give me that wand. Very good. Run along now. } } > ILL BE BACK!!!!!! } } Yes, I know. And I'll be waiting. --- 1046-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sehr Gut, danke. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Der Oracle nicht sprechen der deustche mitout der Supplikant grovellen.