From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Sep 25 07:52:34 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id HAA15404; Fri, 25 Sep 1998 07:52:34 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 25 Sep 1998 07:52:34 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199809251252.HAA15404@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1052 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1052 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1052 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 25 Sep 1998 07:52:34 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1052 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1047 86 votes jota4 2hFj7 5aJj7 anwg5 4cAr7 8jhhp 3eqte 6fuob 8fgql 9mFb3 1047 3.1 mean 2.5 3.1 3.2 2.8 3.2 3.4 3.4 3.2 3.4 2.7 --- 1052-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > create table chuck ( > type character(9) not null default 'woodchuck', > wood_chucked integer not null, > could_chuck_wood boolean > ) > primary key (type); > > insert into chuck > values ('woodchuck', int(rnd(date**5)), true); > > select sum(wood_chucked) as much > where could_chuck_wood is true > and type = 'woodchuck'; And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah yes... I love programming questions. Now let's see, where shall I } start... } } struct SoftwareProfessional { } double salary; } long lunches; } float jobs; } char unstable; } void work; } }; } } Wait a minute. I see what's going on. You can't fool me. } Take this: } } 10 FOR I = 1 TO 2 } 20 PRINT "ZOT" } 30 I = I - 1 } 40 NEXT I } } RUN } } You owe the oracle a Unix operating system source code written in } QBASIC. --- 1052-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle whose niftiness outshines all others: > > Why do the people who select and vote for Oraculaties like the stupid, > repetitive, drawn-out, boring answers involving "zot", "lisa", and the > other rejects, instead of sharp, crisp, short but telling answers? Are > they smoking crack? I mean, what kind of self-respecting incarnation > refers to itself as "Orrie" anyway? > > kick out the jams. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kick out the jams? Sure thing. } } ZADOC [shouting]: Are you ready to testify? Are you ready to testify? I } give you a testimonial--THE INTERNET ORACLE! } } ORACLE: } } And right now, right now, right now it's time to } ZOT OUT THE JAMS, WOOD CHUCKERS! } Yea! } I, I, I, I, I'm gonna } I'M GONNA ZOT 'EM ALL! } Yea! } } The Oracle's my name } And you know I can't complain-- } I'm omniscient } You come to me with Q's-- } I can tell you what to do, } You are wishin'. } You can call me Orrie, if that's what you wish } But you better grovel or you'll fight with my fish! } } Do you see who I am? } Then let me ZOT out the jams, yes! } ZOT out the jams. } I WANNA ZOT 'EM ALL! } } Og gets his spiky club } Then the supplicants come } And he busts em. } Lowly Zadoc kowtows, } He scrapes and he bows, } As per custom. } Here I come now, with my big Zot Staff } I'm gonna separate the wheat from the chaff! } } Put that staff in my hand } And let me ZOT out the jams, yes! } ZOT out the jams. } I WANNA ZOT 'EM ALL! } } alright, alright, alright, alright, } come on, come on, come on. } } Well, I give the fear of God } To those jokers on rhod, } They're such lamers. } And Lisa and I } From our place in the sky } ZOT queue drainers. } You'll get your answer, but you'll have to wait-- } You'll cool your heels with a joke about Gates! } } So let me be who I am. } And let me ZOT out the jams, yes! } ZOT out the jams. } I'M GONNA ZOT YOU ALL! } } You owe the Oracle the "Motherf***ers" version, on vinyl. --- 1052-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you that does not tolerate fools, you that taught > Zeus, you that got Charon his job, I bow before you and ask; > > What is the Axiom of Choice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Axiom: A universally accepted principle or rule. } } Choice: (in the grading of beef) rated between prime and good. } } (Random House College Dictionary, 1973) } } Therefore, the Axiom of Choice is a universally accepted principle } about good prime beef: } "For all beef, beef has no divisors besides one and itself. But it } sure is tasty." } } You owe the Oracle a sandwich. --- 1052-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > > > > > > > > How many times must I resubmit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ... } Before you get what you please? } How many times must the queue drainer drain } before he loses his lease? } How many chucks must the priests reject } before we can all have some peace? } The answer my friend, is rhodin' in the morn, } The answer is rhodin' in the morn. } } How many free mail accounts will it take } before we give up on the fight? } How many times can you use Lisa } And Zadoc and Og? It's so trite. } How many years must you hone your own skill } 'Till your answers no longer will bite? } The answer, my friend, is rhodin' all the day } The answer is rhodin' all the day. } } How many years will old Orrie exist } Before he's all dried up like yeast? } How many puns can a punster have punned } Before he's considered a priest? } How many rules could they have anyway? } It's like the mysterious east. } The answer, my friend, is rhodin' 'till you sleep } The answer is rhodin' 'till you sleep. } } You owe the Oracle good answers in exchange } for all your submissions. --- 1052-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who knows when the world will end, can you > tell me exactly how it is that the neutron bomb kills people > without destroying infrastructure and buildings? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure, no problem. Rather than giving all the technical details, } though, it might be more interesting to watch a neutron bomb in action. } [NOTE: This is a simulation only. No animals or vegetables were } harmed in the making of this simulation.] } } Neutron bomb: Boo! } } Person with fake English accent walking down street: I say, what? } } NB: I said, `Boo!' } } PWFEAWDS: Yes, quite. Ah ... well then, I'll just be nipping on down } to the cricket match, and then off to the pub for a pint of ... } } NB [interrupting]: Know what I can do? } } PWFEAWDS: Er ... no, that is to say, not as such. No. } } NB: I'm a neutron bomb. I can change the arrangement of the } fundamental particles in your constituent atoms. Watch this. I'm } going to blow up, thereby changing Sotheby's into a somewhat gaudy } McDonald's. } } PWFEAWDS [hair standing on end]: Er ... now, don't be hasty, old chap. } Let's be reasonable. You neutron bombs types are not supposed to } destroy infrastructure or buildings, don't you know. } } Passing rabbit who has an accent that sounds like a cross between } Manhattan and Bronx: Yeah, doc, and I'm infrastructure, and don't you } forget it. } } NB: Look, who cares if I rearrange a few buildings whilst destroying } all life (except for the cockroaches, of course)? You'll be dead } anyway. Why should you care? Watch. In addition to doing Sotheby's, } I'm going to change the Tower of London into a Pizza Hut. } } PWFEAWDS [turning red in the face]: P..p..p..p..pizza Hut??!? } McD...D..D..Donalds??!?! You American heretic! You absolute... } } [*THUD*] } } NB [chuckling]: Gets 'em every time. Oh, good evening constable. This } chap seems to have gotten a bit overexcited. } } Constable: I say, 'e don't look too good. } } NB: Yes, well, I can't understand it. All I did was tell him about my } ability to alter atomic structures... } } You owe the Oracle a smart aleck bomb. --- 1052-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pray enlighten me, O' He who is the quintessence of perfection; His > name an antonym to stupidity and His cerebral cortex a potential > dwelling place for huge megaplexes, > > What would the world of music look like if Prozac were invented back in > the 18th century? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, obviously the world would have been a different place, wouldn't } it? } } Politics: "Give me liberty, or give me ... a nice walk by the } seaside!" } } Science: "Laws of motion? No, let us make them *suggestions* of } motion." } } Art: "M. Van Gogh has cut off a piece of his toenail!" } } But you asked about music. Unfortunately, the entire scene is too } gruesome for even the Oracle to contemplate. Suffice it to say that } Ludwig Van Manilow's 10th Symphony would have gone unfinished for a } reason. } } You owe the Oracle the Renaissance on Ritalin. --- 1052-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Oracle, I offer unto you a Toblerone bar, a Starbucks double > latte with just a dash of almond syrup, and a pair of warm fuzzy > slippers, none of which could ever hope to match the comfort you > bring to the universe thru your very existence. > > Why is it that when I kneel on the floor and cover my head with my > arms, my dog goes nuts? Hasn't he figured out after three years > of this that my head has NOT vanished? It's not that he's stupid; > he knows exactly where all the food is, how to distinguish the sound > of his leash from three rooms away, and that the manifestation of a > suitcase means Something Terrible is about to happen. But the head > thing is totally beyond him. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer is right there before you, in your own life and in the } world around you. Once you examine certain aspects of _human_ } behavior, you will realize that your dog does this for the same } reason that: } } * One can pass the bar exam and even get elected Vice President of the } United States, but (among other things) not be able to spell } "potato." } } * Similarly, one can get elected President of the United States but } still mindlessly follow orders from two small round objects located } in his groin area. } } * Many people can find the "ON" switch on their computer but think that } if somebody emails them telling them they can MAKE MONEY FAST that } they _must_ be telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but } the truth. } } * People can form coherent sentences and don't, say, jump in front of } buses moving at 65 MPH, but believe that: } } * The earth was created in precisely 4004 B.C., by some guy who } will toss you into a pool of liquid sulphur if you don't } happen to agree with him. } } * Saucer-shaped spacecraft routinely cross massive } interstellar distances for the sole purpose of abducting a } species of sentient ape that lives on a small blue-green } planet and having the leaders of these apes hide the fact of } the abductions from the other apes. } } * The above-mentioned spacecraft are piloted by beings that } just happen to look almost exactly like us. } } * "Organic" foods are better for you; that is, it is } better to eat something that came from a big smelly farm } full of slightly aged pigshit than something that once came } in contact with something that was once inside a big smelly } chemical plant. } } * The above even applies to bottles of pure water. } } * You can can cure all ailments by: } } * Having someone wave their hands over you. } } * Sticking needles in various parts of your body. } } * Twisting your spine around in strange ways. } } * Swallowing a placebo pill that had some pure water } dripped onto it thereby causing it to "remember" } something the water came in contact with once. } } * Having some guy with a funny accent say "If yuh } b'lieve in duh Lawd, BE SA-HAAAIIIVED!!" and knock } you on your ass in front of a lot of people. } } * All people born between the days of June 21 and July 22 } behave in exactly the fashion that someone who writes for } the local newspaper thinks they will, according to the } positions of large spherical rocks millions of miles out } into space. } } * Microsoft is a True American Company that only wants to make } Finest Software available for everyone to use. } } * Windows 98 doesn't disprove the above. } } * Most of the world's problems are caused by drug use. } } * Most of the world's problems can be solved by drug use. } } * President Clinton is doing a fine job running the country. } } * The Spice Girls actually play good music. } } * Most, if not all, of your otherwise intelligent family members use } Windows or MacOS and have AOL accounts. } } * One can comprehend the entire Unix operating system, but not figure } out how to behave in public without making a complete fool of } themselves. } } * One can behave in an intelligent, witty fashion in rec.humor.oracle } but completely fail to do so in rec.humor.oracle.d. } } As you can see, this type of behavior is ingrained in humans as } much as it is in any other animal, and there is not much that can be } done about it. You are likely to have as much luck convincing your dog } that your head _really_ is there as you are convincing Pat Robertson } of the fact that he and his creationist buddies are in fact descended } from mindless heaps of primordial slime. Wait a second, Pat Robertson } and his buddies _are_ mindless heaps of primordial slime. Oh well, you } get the idea. } } You owe the Oracle a way to convince the Spice Girls to jump in front } of a bus moving at 65 MPH. --- 1052-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, please tell this lowly worm of a supplicant... > > When will Celine Dion's heart STOP? Hasn't it been going on and on > long enough by now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } IPNA Report 10/23/98 14:24pm } PHYSICISTS DISCOVER PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE IN CELINE DION } ----------------------------------------------------------- } } Indiana, USA. Scientists have reported that a perpetual motion machine } has been discovered in the chest of singer Celine Dion. Physicist Dr } Steve Kinzler said "We measured the energy being produced by the } beating of her heart, and measured the energy consumed by the organ. We } found that the energy produced exceeded the energy consumed by a ratio } of 1.15. Clearly, perpetual motion has been achieved." } } Perpetual heart beating is said to be linked to a lukewarm fusion } reaction in the aorta. Fusion in the organs of popular entertainers has } been a 'holy grail' for scientists since the early 60s when the idea } was first mooted. Previous attempts required such high pressures and } temperatures that the energy consumed was far in excess of the energy } produced. As an example, in 1974 the spleen of Jimmy Page was heated to } 3200 degrees centigrade, and subjected to pressures 100 times higher } than the water pressure at the bottom of the deepest ocean trench. } Scientists observed the telltale signs of organic fusion. But, the } experiment on Celine Dion's heart was conducted at her normal body } temperature, and could result in a cheap renewable energy source that } could supply humanity's energy needs in the next millenium. "Even with } the results that we have, the kidneys and livers of The Spice Girls } alone could power a fridge for a week." said Dr Kinzler. } } Dr Kinzler reported that the next aim for his research group was to } investigate 'cold fusion' by experimenting on the appendix of Bjork, } the 'Ice Maiden'. "Either that or we'll invite her around the lab and } make whoopie". } } You owe The Oracle Ringo Starr's lungs, a power cable, and an electric } toothbrush. --- 1052-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle you are almost as wonderful as me. I *may* rub up against your > leg. > > Yesterday, in between breakfast and my third early/mid morning nap, it > occured to me that if I was in a box I wouldn't know if the world > outside continued to exist or not. It occurred to me that I could only > describe the condition of the world in terms of a probability that it > still existed. Though, of course, how could it exist if I was in a box > and didn't need the world to provide me with food or with a lap to > snooze on. Anyway, what I wanted to ask is you seem to spend a lot of > time sitting down and you've got lots of people dedicated just to > pampering you so would you like a cat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh no kitty, not after what happened last time..... } } INPA Press Report 17/6/97 09:41am } UNIDENTIFIED GAS CLOUD SEEN IN INDIANA } -------------------------------------- } } Reports are coming in from Indiana that a gas cloud of unidentified } material has been sighted in the city. No victims have yet been } identified. Indiana Civil Defense and Emergency Services, as well } as the Army are on full code red report. } } INPA Press Report 17/6/97 11:22am } ALIEN INVADER CLAIM FOR INDIANA 'GAS CLOUD' } ------------------------------------------- } } Eyewitness reports of the 'Indiana Gas Cloud' have claimed that at } its center, a strange and everchanging creature can be seen, with } teeth, eyes, wings, skeletons, exoskeletons, changing hues of red, } grey, brown, piebald, plaid and tartan. Many city residents believe } that the city is under attack from an alien life form, and are fleeing } in a massive column of cars. Indiana authorities report that they } believe the gas cloud to be hallucinogenic, and released on the city by } unknown terrorists. } } INPA Press Report 17/6/97 12:48pm } PROBABILITY DENSITY FUNCTION TERRORISES CITY OF INDIANA } ------------------------------------------------------- } } The 'Indiana Gas Cloud' has now been positively identified as the } escaped pet of Mr Internet Oracle, of Indiana University. Says Mr } Oracle, "The pet is a recent gift from my girlfriend Lisa, who gave } it to me this morning. Until I opened the box it did not exist as } a particular animal, but merely as a probability density function } covering all feasible animals. Unfortunately, when I went to open } the box it was in, I found that it had escaped in its unresolved } state. It will remain unresolved until I observe it. Until that time, } the city may be in extreme danger. Or, it may not be." } } NATIONAL RADIO CENTRE SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN } ------------------------------------------- } } Hello, this is Dan Dandan, and I'm reporting from Indiana, where the } first victims of the rampaging probability density function have been } identified. I'm next to a doctor who is treating the victim. Doctor, is } he dead? } } Possibly. Why don't you ask him? } } Excuse me, are you prepared to talk on radio? What was it like being } attacked by the creature? } } Horrible. I felt these teeth close around my neck, and my ankles, } something was sucking my blood, and I felt blows of varying intensities } all over my body. } } But, you're still alive. You're talking to me. } } Possibly... That's the worst part of it. The waiting. I mean, if the } animal turns out to be a large one, when The Internet Oracle finally } observes it, something with big teeth like a dinosaur, then I could be } ripped from limb to limb. Or, if it was a poisionous snake, then I } could be dead from that. Or, it might be a chipmunk, and I might just } have a small bite on my finger. } } Doctor, I notice that the blur surrounding the victim has a distinct } red colour. Does this mean that he's lost a lot of blood? } } It means that it's highly probable that he has. } } But, his big toe is quite clear. Does that mean something? } } Yes, whatever animal it was that attacked him definitely did not eat } his big toe. This is the only clue we have to the identity of the } animal so far. } } OBN NEWS SERVICE SPECIAL INTERVIEW GENERAL A. LEADBEATER } -------------------------------------------------------- } } General Leadbeater. Are there any further clues as to the identity of } the creature. } } As of yet, none. It could be a Godzilla. It could be anything. } } Surely Ms Lisa wouldn't have given The Oracle a Godzilla for his } birthday? } } Why not, that's what he asked for. } } How do you plan to defeat the creature, and save the city, if not the } world? } } The probabilistic nature of that animal is what stops us. Bullets } probably can't stop it. Rockets probably can't stop it. We probably may } even have to use nuclear force! } } Why can't the army simply ask Lisa what she gave him for his birthday? } } Unfortunately Lisa has gone to the bathroom and is not expected out for } several weeks. By that time, the city, or even the world, could be in } ruins. } } Do you plan to entrap the creature? } } Yes, the creature is being lured to the city square by a trail of } favourite foods of all known living things. In the square The Internet } Oracle will observe the creature. Massed armies of The US, UK, Japan, } and Russia will then attack the creature, whatever it turns out to be. } } Russian forces? Russian forces on US soil? } } Those guys had to fight some pretty far-out creatures in the Cherynobal } region over the last few years. We need their experience. } } Thank you General Leadbeater. } } EYEWITNESS NEWS BULLETIN - INDIANA, USA } --------------------------------------- } } I'm standing here in the main square of Indiana, where the probability } density function has been reported to ... MY GOD, THE DENSITY FUNCTION } HAS ENTERED THE SQUARE. PLANES FLY OVERHEAD, ROCKETS ARE POINTED. } ARMIES AIM THEIR WEAPONS. THE CREATURE APPROACHES. AND .... THE } INTERNET ORACLE IS REMOVING HIS BLINDFOLD!!!!!!! HE HAS REMO.... } } [A small grey round object with plastic eyes and a big painted grin } falls to the ground in the center of the square. Everything is silent } and still for over ten minutes. Suddenly there is a slight movement. } General Leadbeater walks slowly to The Oracle]. } } Orrie, most wise and everything, old chum. I think I need your help } here. } } You owe The Oracle a very, VERY, good excuse for mobilising the entire } defense and emergency services of the Industrialised World to combat a } pet rock. To be sent to: General A. Leadbeater, The Pentagon, } Washington DC, USA. --- 1052-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hoi orrie! > zodac is in leage with the woodchucks and tonight they are planning a > take over of the compound! > of course you already knew this but lisa thought i should give you the > message as right now she is eating bannana ice cream in the hot tub > filled with red siamise fighting fish. > what would you have us do oh omniepotent one? > oh.... oh.....oh no.....they have discovered me ! > arrrrgh!!!! > (viscious sounds of squeaking and chucking) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "This note was in his pocket?" The voice of the dark figure intoned. } } "Yes, my liege," answered the little man. He was barely restraining } himself from beginning to pace again. A bead of sweat appeared on his } brow and traced its way down into his sackcloth robe. The silence } seemed interminably long. The only sounds were the fluttering of the } wings of a small moth around the single bare light bulb, and the quiet } rustle of the note being folded and unfolded by the dark figure's } fingers. } } "Any other identification?" at last came the measured tones of the dark } figure's voice. } } "N-no, your worshipful ... -ness!" the little man replied, swallowing. } } Again the room settled into the terrible silence. The man in the } wooden chair shifted slightly, trying to restore circulation to his } hands. The expertly tied knots would not give, however, and he winced } in pain. It gave his eyes momentary but unsatisfactory relief from the } glare of the light bulb. For a brief moment, he thought he caught the } eye of the little man, but then the little man quickly looked away and } swallowed again. } } For the first time, the dark figure addressed the man in the chair. } "Why did you write this note?" } } The man cried out in a strange, high-pitched voice, "it was jsut a } warning i was tryign to helpyou o grate adn powerufl oracl --" } } His reply was choked off by the sound of a deep, disdainful snort from } the dark figure. "It's a bit late for a grovel *now*, don't you } think?" Though he could not see, the man in the chair sensed that the } dark figure had moved silently closer. "I'll ask you again: Why did } you write this note?" } } Squirming as if an escape were possible, the man in the chair began } breathing heavily. "i'm tellng you the truht! the woodchukcs --" } } "Silence!" the dark figure bellowed, rising from his place. The little } man somehow made himself even smaller and faded into the shadow in a } corner as the dark figure moved ever closer. "You're a newbie!" } } "no!" } } "You're a stinking newbie! You read the FAQ and a couple of old } digests and now you think you can jump right in with our beloved } in-jokes!" } } "no! i swear im' tellign the truht --" } } "Just look at this!" roared the dark figure, thrusting the note into } the man's face. "Zadoc! W**dchucks! Lisa! Even bright red Siamese } fighting fish! Zadoc, how long has it been since we've had bright red } Siamese fighting fish in a digest?" } } Flipping through a worn notebook maniacally, the little man at last } screeched, "1036-09, oh miraculously melodious one, a delightful little } study of in-jokes in itself, with --" } } "Enough! Over 15 digests ago. Any true follower would know that } bright red Siamese fighting fish are old hat! (Although, of course, } they're sure to make it back after *this* sparkling Oracularity gets } digested!)" } } "Of course!" cried the little man. } } "of course!" cried the man in the chair. } } "Quiet!" cried the dark figure. "And what is this 'Hoi, Orrie'? } Everyone knows 'Hoi' is addressed to Zadoc, not me! You're a newbie! } You're one of those nasty little CS students who comes back every fall } and drains the queue and has no clue about how to give a funny reply } and drives all my priests and incarnations insane! You're a newbie, } newbie, newbie! " } } The man in the chair began to sob and wail. "alright, alright, i am a } newibie i admit it! i just wantd to belong! i just wanted to be } coool." Great tears of anguish rolled down his cheeks. } } "Oh, for Pete's sake," muttered the dark figure. "Zadoc, get the poor } slob a Kleenex and untie him." As the little man scrambled for a } tissue, the dark figure flipped on some pleasant fluorescent lights, } revealing the kind, fatherly face of the Oracle. As the man in the } chair alternately rubbed his wrists and wiped his nose, the Oracle } spoke to him gently. "Look, kid, we were all newbies at one time or } another. (Well, except for me, of course.) There's nothing wrong with } it. But you have to work up to using the in-jokes. You can't just } jump in with both feet like that. Do you understand?" } } The man sniffed. "sure, o grate and poewerful oracel, i undersnatd." } } "So you'll go and practice with some original questions until you're } sure you know all the characters by heart?" } } "i promise." } } "And you won't go leaving me notes like this anymore?" } } "well ... about the note, i wsa reallly tyring to hepl you out wiht the } wooodchukcs ..." } } "Oh, come on. Do you expect me to believe this stuff about Zadoc being } in league with them?" } } "no, see, it was'nt zadoc, it was zodac." } } "Zodac?" } } "yeah, see, z-o-d-a-c." } } "Ha ha! Your own rotten spelling has tricked you, kid! There is no } such person as Zodac! It's Zadoc, Z-a-d-o-c." } } "are you sure?" } } "Am I the Oracle?" } } "oh, yeah, rihgt. sorry." } } "Well, all right, no big deal. Now let's just forget this whole thing. } You run along and stick to material you actually know about, you } hear?" } } "yes sir mr. oracle, i wont' forgot." } } "And see that you capitalize my name from now on." } } "yes sir, Mr. Oracle." } } "And grovel." } } "Yes, Mr. Oracle, oh most mangificeint master." } } "All right. Run along before I change my mind." } } The door slammed behind the frightened young man as he ran for his life } away from Oracle HQ. } } "I love happy endings," said Zadoc. Then, recognizing the gathering } stormclouds of fury in the Oracle's face, he hid under the desk. } } "Worm! It's not enough that the world already knows about your twin } brother Zodoc (remember 1001-09, everybody?)! Now they know about your } evil little brother Zodac too!" } } "I'm sorry, master! I must have been talking as I slept at my desk } again! Please, master, spare me! I live only to serve you, and --" } } "Enough, worm. I'll zot you later. There's plenty of planning to be } done to squelch this uprising with Zodac and the w**dchucks. Gather } all the priests in the war room at once." } } "And you'll be there to lead us, oh great one?" } } "No, you idiot, I'll be with Lisa in the hot tub. Those bright red } Siamese fighting fish should be finishing off the banana ice cream } about now, so I'll be just in time to save her and earn her eternal } gratitude. I'll come and lead you in about an hour." } } You owe the Oracle a happy ending to the Great W**dchuck War. I'm } pretty happy already with the ending of this scene.