From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Nov 5 16:40:53 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.19) id QAA03963; Thu, 5 Nov 1998 16:40:53 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 16:40:53 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199811052140.QAA03963@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1060 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1060 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1060 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 16:40:53 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1060 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1055 84 votes 7omla cezf8 6kzj4 2oqo8 8oqk6 7brli kfsf6 8jvm4 9mui5 9ddqn 1055 3.0 mean 3.0 2.9 2.9 3.1 2.9 3.4 2.7 2.9 2.9 3.5 --- 1060-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Snappy Oracle, Only Deity that can do a Decent Latin Hustle; > > Did any of the Clintons accidently leave anything behind in China? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } GAAAAACK! It's another one of those fscking B*ll Cl*nt*n questions! } That's it, from now on I'm just going to have my lawyer answer these... } } Whereas the party of the first part ("The Supplicant") does hereby } and forthwith agree to refrain from sending the party of the second } part ("The Internet Oracle") any query, communication, or electronic } transfer defined as follows: } } a) Any query, communication, or electronic transfer making } any reference to the capabilities, deeds, and/or actions } of any members of the genus Marmota, including, but not } limited to, those capabilities, deeds, and actions involving } or related to the hypothetical movement, ingestion, and/or } regurgitation of any carcass of any organism consisting of } more the sixty (60) percent cellulose. } } b) Any query, communication, or electronic transfer failing } to include at least four (3), but not more than ten (10) } superlatives used to directly characterize, delineate, and } explicate the party of the second part ("The Internet } Oracle"). } } c) Any query, communication, or electronic transfer making any } reference to any moving hands, feet, or other appendages, } particularly when the hands, feet, or other appendages are } in one half (1/2) of their maximum capacity for stimulation } of aural sensations. } } d) Any query, communication, or electronic transfer } consisting entirely of whitespace, were whitespace is } hereinafter considered to include the carriage return, } space, horizontal tab, vertical tab, and any other } characters included at the discretion of the party of the } second part ("The Internet Oracle"). } } e) Any query, communication, or electronic transfer containing } any description of, or reference to, the genitals, lips, } anus, or breasts of the party of the third part ("Lisa") } or implying, directly or indirectly, that the party of the } first part ("The Supplicant") is ideating and/or } visualizing contact with the genitals, lips, anus, or } breasts of the party of the third part ("Lisa"). } } f) Any query, communication, or electronic transfer making } any reference to any presidents, rulers, or government } officials involved in any iniquitous or opprobrious } activities, including, but not limited to, iniquitous } or opprobrious activities involving any female person } between the ages of 20 and 25 having once resided in the } Los Angeles, California region. } } g) Any other queries, communications or electronic transfers } to be included at the discretion of the party of the } second part ("The Internet Oracle"). } } If the party of the first part ("The Supplicant") fails to comply } (Compliance shall be defined at the discretion of the party of the } second part ("The Internet Oracle")) with any of the regulations } defined herein, one or more of the following actions shall be taken: } } a) The party of second part ("The Internet Oracle") shall } apply a minimum of ten thousand (10,000) volts and a } maximum of sixty thousand (60,000) volts to portion of the } person of the party of the first part ("The Supplicant") } deemed appropriate by the party of the second part ("The } Internet Oracle"). } } b) The pneuma of the party of the first part ("The } Supplicant") shall spend a minimum of one (1) aeon, and a } maximum one (1) eternity submerged in a mass of liquid } sulphurous compounds to be defined at the discretion of the } party of the fourth part ("Microsoft"). } } c) The pneuma of the party of the first part ("The } Supplicant") shall be incorporated in the soma of a } member of the phylum Annelida, Mollusca, or Parazoa, } according widely accepted taxonomic classifications. } } BY READING THIS SELF-SAME DOCUMENT, THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART ("The } Supplicant") DOES HEREBY AGREE TO ALL PROVISIONS SPECIFIED HEREIN, } AND AGREES THAT ALL PROVISIONS SHALL APPLY RETROACTIVELY TO TO ALL } INFRACTIONS CONTAINED IN ALL QUERIES, COMMUNICATIONS, AND ELECTRONIC } TRANSFERS RESULTING FROM ACTIONS CAUSED, DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY, } BY ANYONE RELATED IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER TO THE PARTY OF THE FIRST } PART ("The Supplicant"). } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Oh alright, if you *insist* on an English translation: } } /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\<<<>>>/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ } } You owe the Oracle the definition of the word "is." --- 1060-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ChaoTsu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gesundheit. --- 1060-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The first cup for thirst, the second for pleasure, the third for > intemperance, and the rest for madness. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What is a brassiere, Alex? } } You owe the Oracle the Daily Double. --- 1060-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Recycling aware Oracle; > > Why do Americans find it repugnant for the Chinese to sell the organs > of executed criminals? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not repugnant, it's just really annoying when you have a liver } transplant, and half an hour later you need a liver transplant again. } } You owe The Oracle some Sweet and Sour kidneys. --- 1060-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Cane carmen SIXPENCE, pera plena rye, De multis atris avibus > coctis in a pie: Simul haec pertest, cantat omnis grex, Nonne > permirabile, quod vidit ille rex? Dimidium rex esus, misit ad > reginam Quod reliquit illa, sending back catinum Rex fuit in > aerario, multo nummo turmens: In culina Domina, bread and mel > consumens, Ancellin horticulo, hanging out the clothes, Quum > descendens cornix rapuit her nose. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Et tu, Barney? --- 1060-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise; > > What is the significance that Oppenheimer quoted from the Bhagavad-Gita > when the first nuclear bomb was exploded and Indian/Pakistani > acquisition of nuclear weapons? > > the stanza: > > If the radiance of a thousand suns > Were to burst at once into the sky > That would be like the splendor of the Mighty one... > > section he quoted: > > I have become Death, > The shatterer of Worlds. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why do you mortals insist on seeing connections where none exist? } J. Bobby was always a little melodramatic, and he knew a good line } when he saw one. } If you're looking for signifigance, try this excerpt from } Nostramdamus, translated from the original Latin: } } Knights travel under banner blue, } Garbed in a most peculiar dress. } No one knows where they're from, } And enemies fall into the gap. } } Look at the last words of each line, and I think you can see that } Jefferson really was ahead of his time. --- 1060-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Bootiful and Spooktacular Oracle, please Treat this humble > supplicant with one of your unbelievably funny answers- > > What do you plan on wearing to the annual Oracle Halloween party? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course I, the Oracle, know that you meant to ask this about the } party of AD 1998, which has of course already passed. Thus I shall } travel back in time and ask myself what I plan to wear: } } } } ZZZZZZZZZZZZWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWIWWWWWWPPPPP! } } OK, here we are, Oracle's Chambers, AD 1998, Oct 15. Now, let's see } what I plan on wearing: } } Me: Yo, Orrie, I want to know. . . } } Oracle: Who the Zot are you and how did you get in here?! } } Me: Well, I'm. . . } } Oracle: I know who you are, I'm the *Oracle* for Lisa's Sake! } } Me: Well, I just need to know. . . } } Oracle: You have to grovel first. } } Me: What?? } } Oracle: You know the rules. } } Me: Damn, this is humiliating. OK, great Oracle, master of time and } space, blah, blah, blah: What do you plan on wearing to the annual } Oracle Halloween party? } } Oracle: You know you have to answer a question for me? } } Me: Yes, I know the rules. Haven't I mentioned that I'm. . . } } Oracle: OK, then here's your answer: } } I'm going as a woodchuck; it's the scariest thing of which I } can think. } } You owe the Oracle a retroactive date with Lisa } } Me: OK, thanks, now I can get back and answer the question } } } } PPPPPPWWWWWWWWIWWWWWWWWWWWWWZZZZZZZZZZZ! } } OK, here's your answer: } } I'm will have planning on goinged as a woodchuck; it's the } scariest thing of which I can think. } } You owe the Oracle a retroactive date with Lisa, and right of } Subrogation. } } Ok, now that's done, let's see here, another question?? From the } Oracle?? What the Zot. . . } } (Question Reads: } } The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } } > Most Bootiful and Spooktacular Oracle, please Treat this humble } > supplicant with one of your unbelievably funny answers- } > } > What do you plan on wearing to the annual Oracle Halloween party? } ) } } Errr. . . You also owe the Oracle a way out of this. --- 1060-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Come on Wise and Most Cunning Oracle, spill the beans; > > Who Is Mister Big? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that would be Ross Clement. No, really. He's not some mild } mannered kiwi working at the University of Westminster. You see, that } whole Artificial Intelligence thing is just a cover. He's really the } ring leader of an international consortium for smuggling, you guessed } it, Multi-Orifice Blowup Dolls. Ross Clement is not a person to be } trifled with. } } One hears tales about people disappearing... do we really know what } happened to Otis Viles this summer? Why does Ian Davis keep } disappearing? Where did Richard Wilson slink off to? Where's Waldo? } } Nobody really knows the answers to these questions, but Ross Clement } has been strangely silent about the whole affair. } } True, there's no direct evidence linking Don Rosso, as he prefers to be } called, to these disappearances, but during a recent interview with } interfax, he had been quoted as saying, "Struth, these blokes 'ave been } getting on me arse, so I 'ad me man, Zadoc, teach 'em a lesson, they } won't forget." Sounds pretty convincing to me. } } You owe Don Rosso^W^Wthe Oracle your friendship. --- 1060-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All hail the Oracle for he is as fierce and powerful as an allegory on > the banks of the Nile and too scary for Malebolge to hold. And more > importantly he knows to abstain from mallows. > > What are the top ten things about being a private citizen that > Bill Clinton will have trouble learning to deal with? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10. Bombing Iraq to take attention away from an argument with his } next door neighbour not a good policy. } 9. Real maudlin drunks who are not the leaders of Russia and don't } have staff to look after them smell rather bad. } 8. "My Fellow Americans" not a good way of addressing others in the } soup queue. } 7. Much more difficult to get Au Pairs to 'put out' than it was for } Interns. } 6. A slowly aging Bill no longer needs think about his Oval Office, but } needs to see the doctor continuously about his oval oriface. } 5. Monica now has a larger yearly income than he does. } 4. Without advice from Presidential nutritionist, Bill soon has larger } breasts than Monica does. } 3. Eternal regret that he didn't pass a bill giving a free lifetime } supply of Viagra for all citizens. } 2. Without Secret Service agents, Bill soon finds out that Chelsea's } friends' fathers *can* beat him up. } } And the most important thing that Bill will need to learn about being } a private citizen is: } } 1. That only private citizens DON'T need to worry about keeping } things private. } } You owe The Oracle a majority in the Senate. --- 1060-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why nobody loves me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Small green wrinkled and years 900 old are you.