From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jan 13 10:12:02 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id KAA15992; Wed, 13 Jan 1999 10:12:02 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 13 Jan 1999 10:12:02 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199901131512.KAA15992@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1071 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1071 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1071 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 13 Jan 1999 10:12:02 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1071 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1066 80 votes arkh6 7qza2 4eyj9 27twa nefia 5dvla 6jljf 5btpa aedip 8cyj7 1066 3.1 mean 2.8 2.7 3.2 3.5 2.7 3.2 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.1 --- 1071-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise,tell me about internet sharing or modem sharing And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } DO NOT SHARE MODEMS! } } Sharing modems is a exceptionally risky behavior engaged in by those } with advanced Internet habits. Modem sharing is a one way path to } hell, spam and Make Lots of Money (MLM). You will lose your ISP } connection and be a person of no account if you share modems. } } MLM often spreads among people who share modems. If you know } misguided people who use modems on a regular basis (such as people } with jobs or Quake I,II or III), make sure they use and initialize } their modems properly. Modems should be used only under a reputable } sysop's terms of agreement and should never be shared. Many modem } sharers face a short, bleak future -- marred by acne, vitamin D } deficiency, or an obsession with Star Wars/Trek -- and modem use } increases their risk of MLM. If you talk with a person about } modem sharing, suggest ways to say no to the Internet; } } * "I just don't want to surf the Internet!" } * "When I use the Internet, I don't feel in control. I don't like } that feeling." } * "I don't want to lose my job. WWW and serving fries don't mix." } * "I love my social life. Modems can kill it." } * "I want to go to college. I can't risk getting hooked on the } Internet." } * "I want to be popular. `Net usage will make me a pocket-protector } wearing, propeller-headed dork." } * "I want to join the Air Force. Modem abuse could blow my chances } of getting to fly endless circles over No-Fly zones in } God-forsaken corners of the world." } } [ Aside to Oracle Readers; } } Ask the young people you talk with to think of their own ways to say } no to Internet and practice them with you. If you think a young } person you know has a modem problem, get professional help now. } Contact their mother, a local library, or some Neo-Luddites to find } out who can help you in your community. Call the 24-hour hotline of } the Lusers Against Modem Excess Revolt Society (1-800-555-D`OH) to } find out where you can get help in your area. ] } } Good Luck. } } You owe the Oracle an additional T1 line. --- 1071-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was recently out with the lads doing some Coal mining for a > laugh, but I have since taken ill and have similar symptoms to > bronchitis....... > > Could it be that I am suffering from > Pneumonoultramicroscopicvolcanoconiosis? > Or just a cough? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You would be lucky if it were either, but no, this is far more } insidious. It is the first stage of a viral disease known as } Cavernus Colossus. It starts out simply, with a cough, but after } the initial incubation period, you will awaken near a building by } a stream. The coughs will get more intense accompanied by sneezes } which sound like 'XYZZY!' and 'PLUGH!' From there it gets worse, } you will have times when you feel as if you are back in those coal } mines, in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. Eventually, } you will find yourselve pursued by dwarves with nasty knives, and } from there on in, it just gets more disorienting. The only real cure } is snake venom, but I'm afraid your canary will drive the snake away } before you can collect. You are, in effect, doomed. } } You owe the Oracle a huge emerald the size of a plover's egg. --- 1071-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wondrous Oracle, who understands even the incomprehensible, > > Is it true that men used to adhere to "women and children first" so > that they themselves could at least enjoy a few moments of peace before > they died? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have it in one, supplicant. Indeed, it was not unknown for men } to engineer fatal disasters for this very purpose. For instance: } } [SCENE: The first class lounge bar on the Titanic, shortly after } encountering the iceberg. The floor is at an angle of 45 degrees to } the horizontal, chairs and tables are piled up in the bottom corner, } and black, freezing water is beginning to slosh in through the door. } The band struggles to continue playing at the upper end of the room, } whilst a lone waiter scrambles back and forth between the dozen or } so remaining customers, all male. Aubrey fforbes-ffortescue and } Pelham "Pongo" Grytpype-Thynne recline beneath the shattered remains } of a grand piano] } } Aubrey: Cigar, old chep? } } Pongo: Don't mind if I do. } } Aubrey: This is the life, what? } } Pongo: Rahther. One was beginning to think the memsahibs would never } leave. } } Aubrey: Though one can't help wondering whether the old girls made it } into a lifeboat in time. } } Pongo: Who can tell? Out of sight, out of mind, that's the ticket. } The fairer sex, God bless them and all that, but they can give } a chep a headache with their incessant chattering, what what? } } Aubrey: I should jolly well say so. } } [With a rending crash, the stern separates from the rest of the ship. } The floor tilts abruptly to near vertical, catapulting the members } of the band, screaming, through the French windows into the dark, } turbulent waters below. One or two of the men in the room look up } before returning to their conversations] } } Pongo: Reminds one of the time one was in India during the rebellion. } } Aubrey: Dickens of a carry-on, that was. } } Pongo: Bad show all round. Would you believe those demn darkies put } us all in the same Black Hole of Calcutta, men, women and } children together? Hardly playing the game! How was a fellow } supposed to gather his thoughts? } } Aubrey: The bounders! So typical of Johnny Foreigner, that. Simply no } breeding. I say, is everything all right, Pongo? } } Pongo: In what way? } } Aubrey: Forgive my drawing attention to it, but you appeared to wince. } } Pongo: Ah, that would be my gammy leg. It's somewhat slightly ecting } up today. } } Aubrey: My dear fellow! I had no idea you had a gammy leg. } } Pongo: I didn't until this demn piano landed on us. Bit of a sticky } wicket, what? } } Aubrey: Well, bear up, old man. Stiff upper lip. Wouldn't do to blub } in front of the servants, and all that. } } Pongo: Oh, rahther. What say we have another brandy? } } Aubrey: Freightfully decent of you. Could I trouble you for a Scotch } instead? } } Pongo: Boy! Two Scotch over here, there's a good fellow. } } Waiter: At once, Sir. Would you like ice in that? } } Pongo: No need - we'll help ourselves. } } [The waiter swims off to fetch the order, only to be crushed under a } falling chandelier. The icy water has reached our protagonists' chest } level, and is already over the heads of most of the others in the room. } A steward pops his head through the doorway and asks if everything is } all right before being consumed by flames from a fire that started in } the engine room and is now engulfing the upper decks. Screams of pain } and terror fill the air outside] } } Aubrey: Chin up, eh what? } } Pongo: I'll wait for the water to reach my nostrils first, if it's } all the same with you. } } Aubrey: So, Pongo, what are your plens for the future? } } Pongo: Well, what with one thing and another, one was thinking of } lying underneath this piano in intense pain for a few more } minutes and then drowning. Yourself? } } Aubrey: Drowning sounds attractive. Or I might toddle out in a while } for a spot of hypothermia. } } Pongo: You old dog, you. } } Aubrey: Shame to miss the test match, though. } } Pongo: Deshed inconvenient, but it could be worse, old fruit. We were } due to reach our destination tomorrow. } } Aubrey: [bleakly] America. } } Pongo: Indeed. } } Aubrey: Quite right of you, getting the captain to steer us onto that } iceberg. Demn colonials. Ebsolutely no idea how to behave in } polite company. } } Pongo: I hear some of them ectually have their children down to } dinner. } } Aubrey: What? Eating at the same table? } } Pongo: So I am informed. } } Aubrey: At the same time? } } Pongo: Defies comprehension, what what? } } Aubrey: Ghahstly! Demn, demn colonials. Blisters of the first water. } Death is a kinder fate. } } Pongo: As you say. Where's that boy with our drinks? --- 1071-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most refined! Before whom the most proud man humbles himself! > > Have you ever noticed the strong symmetry in the greco-roman alphabet? > This sort of symmetry doesn't seem to appear in middle or far eastern > alphabets. The act of drawing characters in Chinese seems so decisive, > so artistic...the smooth flow of Arabic with its tiny serifs curled > back toward the page. It all makes English seem so stuffy, so obsessed > with symmetry, so painstakingly obsessive-compulsive. I just can't > stand it anymore. Why is the rest of the world so much more > sophisticated than the English? Is it genetic or is it possibly > environmental? Possibly the rain, the mold, maybe the proximity of the > French. > > Anyway, Orrie, I'm wondering just how many uses I can get out of one > bag of tea? Can I stretch it a bit with fresh cardamom pods? > > Thanks. > > Your humble servant on God's tiny island. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, I see your knowledge of alphabets is quite good. However, } you neglect to mention the Tengwar, Cirth and Runes used by the peoples } of Europe prior to the end of the Sixth Age. Good point about the } French! } } As for your teabag query, it seems a bit vague. Do you mean how many } times can you make tea from one bag, or how many uses are there for a } teabag? I'll assume the latter. } } 1. Making tea. } 2. Improvised throwing weapon (when dry). } 3. Improvised paintball amunition (when wet). } 4. Use juices for staining documents to artificially age them. } 5. Emergency eyepatch. } 6. Pillow stuffing. } 7. Dye packets. } 8. Razorblade sharpening (Tetley Pyramid Bags only). } 9. Alien costume (glue to forhead and attend Star Trek Convention). } 10. Body armour. } } You owe the Oracle a renewed membership to the Tetley Tea Folk Club. --- 1071-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I forgot my password. Can you tell me what it is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sorry, but the Oracle can't tell you what it is until you type in } your password. } } > I don't know it anymore, that's why I'm asking you! } } I'm sorry, but before I can remind you what it is, you have to type in } your password. } } > Hang on, I know what this is. This is one of your crappy misreading } > the question answers, isn't it? Have you any idea how tiresome those } > are? } } I'm sorry, but before the Oracle can tell you how tiresome those are, } you have to... } } > Okay, okay! Look, I don't want to know what "it" is, I want to know } > what my password is, got it? } } Yes, I've got it, but before I can give it to... } } > WHAT'S MY PASSWORD? } } Your password is a string of characters, preferably of a memorable } nature for you but not easily guessable by others, that you have to } type in before you can receive a response from the Oracle. } } > Yes, but what are the characters? } } The characters are those generally associated with specific keys or } key combinations on your keyboard. } } > I'm gonna crack this if it kills me. } } I'm sorry, but the Oracle can't tell you if it kills you until... } } > Shut up! Now, listen carefully. My password, that is, the one used } > by me and not anybody else, to use in conjunction with the Internet } > Oracle Gold Service and not anything else, consists of a string of } > specific keyboard characters in a specific order, right? } } Right. } } > So tell me the characters! } } The ones in your password? } } > Yes. } } Not anybody else's? } } > No! } } In the correct order? } } > YES! } } You didn't grovel, grouchy. } } > I don't have to grovel! That's why I subscribe to the Gold Service. } > It releases me from any obligation to grovel or to pay your } > outrageous "you owe the Oracle" demands, and you can't Zot me even } > if I ask the dreaded w**dchuck question, all for $19.95 a month. } > Now tell me my sodding password before I burst a blood vessel! } } In order to use the Gold Service, you must provide your password. } } > I've forgotten my password! } } Well, you'd better start grovelling then, hadn't you, sunshine? } } > I can't believe this is happening. } } I'm waitinnggg... } } > Is there some other incarnation there I can talk to? } } No, and I've just picked up my Staff of Zot . } } > Okay, okay! Oh Oracle most wise, I... } } That's a feeble grovel! I've had better grovels than that from garden } invertebrates. Hell, I've had better grovels than that from Juno } mailers. } } > It's a valid grovel, isn't it? } } Oh, all right. Get on with your question, then. } } > Oh Oracle most wise, I forgot my password. Can you tell me what } > it is? } } Certainly! It is a pronoun. More specifically, a neuter pronoun of } the third person singular. You can use it as a substitute for a } neuter noun in a sentence or paragraph where said noun has already } been used at least once previously. } } You owe the Oracle the Kingdom of Belgium. --- 1071-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come time flies when one have fun? > > pede And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it just doesn't look right when it skips. It can sometimes pass } with a jog, but why have wings if you're not gonna use 'em? } } You owe the Oracle a cuckoo clock. --- 1071-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there anything that your co-workers WON'T > eat if you put it on the table in the breakroom at > work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure there is! With the holiday season upon us, I'm sure it tradion in } your part of the cybermire to bring all manner of goodies to nibble on } in the office until your seams bust. So, here are my suggestions for } keeping your goodies to yourself. } } FireBall Oreos } 1 pkg. Oreos } 1 18 gauge hyperdermic syringe } 1 bottle of "Dave's Insanity Sauce - RESERVE BLEND" } Preparation: Load the syringe with the hot sauce, shoot up the Oreos, } and watch the fun. This also works best if the drink machines are } depleted/broken down/ *sabotaged* ( not like I'm suggesting anything, } mind you...) } } Sauerkraut and Marshmallow Squares } 1- 1lb. bag sauerkraut } 1 lg. jar marshmallow creame } 1 box puffed rice cereal (No-name strore brand works best) } 2 tblsp Worcestershire sauce } Preparation: Melt marshmallow creame and add kraut, cereal and } worcesterchire. Pour onto wax paper and shape into squares hen cooled. } } Sardine Truffles } 1 1lb bag chocolate chips } 2 cans sardines in oil } 2 tblsp. sweet hot mustard } 4 cups packed brown sugar } 2 cups puffed rice cereal } 1/4 cup water } 2 tblsp butter } Prep: Puree the sardines and oil and mustard until pasty. Set aside. } Combione sugar, water and boil to "soft ball" stage. Add 1 cup } chocolate chips. Cool. Shape sardine mixture into 1/2" balls and coat } with cooled, chocolate and sugar mixture. Roll in puffed rice to coat } and dip in remaining chocolate. } } This should be sufficient to get those sniveling co-workers to stop } pilfering your goodies...or at least keep them guessing as to our } parentage. Happy Holidaze! } } You owe the Oracle a recipe book with "Road Kill Surprise". --- 1071-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Hot and Spicy Oracle, Strategically located in our hearts and > minds are your wise words; > > When Taiwan be nuked off the face of the Earth by Red China? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's no good nuking countries in east Asia. When the US tried it in } 1945, the generals found that an hour later they were power hungry } again. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as s.hussein@iraq.gov) about 4 kilograms } of 'lost' Russian plutonium. --- 1071-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Boy, you're keen. I mean... BOY! Pretty darn keen. You're so > keen, that if I were to meet you in person, gosh, I should say I'd be > pretty impressed! > > What I want to know is this: Is there a resource on the Internet > where I might find out about you, as a person? Or rather, as a devine > Orracular entity? Your history, your present situation, your > companions, and such as that? Again, I am inquiring about you, not > about your institution or interface on the Internet. > > Hope all is well with you and yours! > > Sincerely, > Curious in Canada And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Wise supplicant! You are one of but a very few that has } discovered the quest for true wisdom and knowledge! I commend you on } your earnest desire to learn that which is unlearnable, know that which } is unknowable and find that which should very possibly be left unfound. } The path you have chosen may not be an easy one but then the worthy } path seldom is. Nevertheless, I will be happy to start you on your way } ..." } } The Oracle waves his hand and a bright light fills the room ... } Suddenly you find yourself in a very different place. It is a small } dark and musty room in which you find yourself facing a door. On the } door is a plate with the inscription ... } } ftp://ftp.cs.indiana.edu/pub/oracle } } ... Seized with a strangely irrisistable curiosity, you push the } door and it opens with a soft creak. You step inside and find that } while the light is not much better, you are able to make out what } appears to be a giant library ... } } You find yourself now in a giant hall, filled with shelves of books } and scrolls reaching almost to the ceiling. The air here is cool but } stale and there are few sounds in the room, save for the distant sound } of footsteps from somewhere within the maze of shelves. As you walk } the length of one of the bookcases, the footsteps grow louder and } finally you see a short strange looking fellow emerge from the stacks. } } This one is dressed in shabby robes and shuffles along while } glancing nervously around in a manner suggesting a longstanding habit. } His is a face that would probably make a ferret jealous although what } hair is present on his head has a slightly charred appearance. While } glancing around, he finally spots you and makes a feeble attempt to } stand a little straighter. } } Zadoc: "State your business here!" } } Supplicant: "What is this place?" } } Zadoc: "This is the Hall of Archives. Here you will find all of the } wisest and most illuminating utterances of the Internet Oracle. How } did you get here?!" } } As you tell Zadoc of your conversation with the Oracle and } subsequent arrival, his eyes grow wide for a moment and he appears to } become quite nervous. Finally, Zadoc silently guides you to another } part of the hall where you see a computer station that contrasts } sharply with its surroundings. He invites you to sit down and you find } a seat in front of your monitor. You see that the computer's web } browser is open to the address: } } http://www.wmin.ac.uk/~clemenr/ORACLE/search.html } } The pieces start to fit and you realize that this is the search } tool for the thousands of volumes that you see in the hall. You turn } to ask Zadoc another question but he is hurrying away as fast as his } shuffling will allow and refuses to answer so you turn back to the } screen and ponder your first query .... } } You owe the Oracle three months of intense study and a skylight for } the Hall of Archives .... --- 1071-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, who would rank highly on any scale > of positive attributes, and would not show up in any > rankings of undesireable characteristics, please answer > my humble question: Dr. Suess wrote a book called _One_ > Fish_Two_Fish_Red_Fish_Blue_Fish_. When he wrote that, > did he realize how prophetic he was? I mean, golly, > look at all this mania about bright red Siamese fighting > fish going on these days! People are nuts over 'em. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant: } } For the most part, yes he did. Unfortunately for Dr. Seuss (AKA } Theodor Geisel, 1904-1991), his publishers were much more interested in } him publishing children's books than him publishing visionary works, } though he was able to blend the two in the book you mentioned. Alas, } not all of the books that Dr. Seuss wrote got published. And while } they were very insightful, almost prophetic, he felt they were not } necessarily for small children and might in fact degrade his overall } contribution to children's learning. Still, they made mighty fine } reading, and funny too! Keep in mind that all of these titles were } written in the late 40's and early 50's. } } - Greenbacks For Spam- a clever story about a guy who is the first one } to discover that if you mail enough people something interesting, like } a MM scheme or pornography, a certain percentage of people will in fact } respond. } - How The Shrimp Stole Unix- another insightful tale about an evil } little troll from the Northwest who took an operating system, corrupted } it, stole some more, corrupted it some more, and built an empire. } -The Gat in Your Back- a gritty, yet delightfully funny tale } about street violence and car jackings in a fictious town called } Pleasantville. } - Box of Rocks- the story of a fairly brain dead guy who none-the-less } succeeds. Reportedly the Geisel estate is still contemplating } suing Paramount and Director Robert Zeckis over possible copyright } infringement regarding Forrest Gump. } - Straight Way to Wealth- the story of two young entrepreneurs who } start a company, get backers, don't make a profit, go public, and } still make millions. } } You owe the Oracle a bedtime story that involves a strawberries and } whipcream, Lisa and a beach on an exotic island.