From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Apr 23 15:13:47 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id PAA16337; Fri, 23 Apr 1999 15:13:47 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 15:13:47 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199904232013.PAA16337@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1090 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1090 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1090 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 15:13:47 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1090 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1085 73 votes 9ole5 8moe5 djld7 9brj7 6agre 4cxea 4krf7 05fvm 7ipad 44imp 1085 3.2 mean 2.8 2.8 2.8 3.1 3.5 3.2 3.0 4.0 3.1 3.8 --- 1090-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty One, I need help. I just bought a bunch of horses. My plan was > to make money with them, but it's not working out quite the way I > wanted. Yes, I'm making money. I'm making money for the feed store, > for the veterinarian, for the blacksmith, and for my insurance man. > I'm just not making money for me. Can you tell me what I should be > doing to make money with them? Or at least how to lose less money? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Develop a relationship with a French meat merchant } } you owe the Oracle 10 lb. of *saucisson chevaline* --- 1090-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise Oracle, who can beat Doom in Nightmare mode, > > What would "Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence" be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE INTERNET ORACLE } GAME REVIEW OF THE MONTH: } } Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } } Just how much mileage can a games manufacturer get out of a single } product? If the product is DN3D, an almost unlimited amount, } apparently. The Plutonium Pak, Atomic Edition, Nuclear Winter, Life's a } Beach... the list of add-ons seems endless. The cry goes up: oh, for } some new weapons, some new baddies, some new anything! } } Take heart, all you shoot-em-up slugfest-loving psychopaths out there: } with "A Critique of Pure Violence", Dukey enters a whole new dimension! } Gone are the tattered old Troopers and Pig Cops, to be replaced by } kick-ass Stoics, Sophists and Neo-Pythagoreans. Hell, these guys will } argue that pleasure is irrelevant to the attainment of happiness as } soon as look at you, and stir-fry your nuts to prove it! And the human } females are much more interactive than before! Go up to the go-go girls } in the red light district bar, wave some money under their noses and } they'll expound the empiricism of Francis Bacon to you till you cry } "uncle". } } You have some really neat new weapons to try out too, such as the } Phenomenological Cannon and the Concept of Dread Bomb. And there's } a Boss Philosopher at the end of each level! } } Once again, the game is powered by the Quake engine, but now it has } sound and graphics to die for (or from!) Okay, so the minimum spec is } a P266 MicroCray with 1064 Mflops RAM and a liquid nitrogen-cooled 3D } accelerator. But once you've got the hardware sorted, the AI of the } baddies will impress the socks off you! If you thought Kierkegaard's } satires of Hegelian Rationalism were biting, wait till these guys } sink their fangs into your dialectics! } } To give too much away at this stage would spoil all the fun, so this } review will restrict itself to describing the demo version only. This } consists of four levels: } } 1. Pluralism - The Parmenideans come at you thick and fast from the } very start, claiming there are four material elements and two } forces, and that these can neither come into being nor pass away. } You counter with Zeno's Paradox which freezes them into immobility, } at which point you can blow them away with your shotgun. The Boss } Philosopher of this level is Anaxagoras of Clazomenae (looking } vaguely like the alien from the "Predator" series), who will try to } convince you that everything is contained within everything else as } a prelude to chopping you into infinitely small particles. } } 2. The Doctrine of God's Will - Blasting and debating your way through } a medieval dungeon, the pressure never lets up. No sooner have you } established the validity of Anselm's proof of the existence of God } than you are faced with a slavering, 12-foot, razon-wielding death- } merchant. Yes, it's William of Ockham, looking not a little like } Strife out of "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys". When this guy } says human reason alone is insufficient to reach the truth, you } believe him! } } 3. Logical Positivism - It may be true that there's nothing Nietzsche } couldn't teach you about breaking people's heads, but here it's } Wittgenstein that's the bolshy swine who radically denies the } meaningfulness of metaphysics by ripping out the intestines of } anyone who approaches him with unverifiable assertions about moral, } esthetic or religious values. Take your existentialism in your left } hand, your rocket launcher in your right, and proceed with extreme } caution. } } 4. Marxism - And what better way to round off a binge of blood and } brain cells than with the Bearded Behemoth of the Bourgeoisie } himself? If you can separate this sucker from his Kapital without } resorting to revolutionary action (or even cheat codes), you're } ready for the commercial game! } } Your reviewer unhesitatingly awards DN:ACOPV his coveted Gold Medal } for sheer gut-wrenching, mind-bending, adrenaline-surging nihilism. } But remember, you need skill as well as an unquenchable bloodlust to } win. As Dukey himself says, "I think, therefore I aim." } } Like hell he does! --- 1090-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will my big break ever come? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, yes. Next winter, in fact. Left femur, right tibia, two ribs, and } three metacarpals in your right hand. } } You owe the Oracle the use of your skis while you recover. --- 1090-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderfully talented Oracle, who makes the three tenors sound like > Weird Al... > > Would the musical Oklahoma have been as successful if it had been > called > > Utah? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let us see. } } Utah } Written by the Internet Oracle } (With apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein) } } Brand new state, gonna treat you great! } From the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! } Gonna give you barley, alfalfa and wheat, } Pasture fer the cattle and squash, ain't that neat! } Flowers on the plateau where the June bugs zoom, } Plen'y of pollution and plen'y of room, } Plen'y of room to swing a rope! } Plen'y of heart and plen'y of hope. } } Utah, where the wind comes sweepin' o'er the hills, } And the copper mines can sure smell fine } When the wind comes blowin' through the trees! } Utah, ev'ry night my honey lamb and I } Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk makin' lazy circles in the sky. } We know we belong to the land } And the land we belong to is grand! } And when we say--Yeeow! A-yip-i-o-ee ay! } We're only sayin' You're doin' fine, Utah! Utah --O.K. } } Judge for yourself. } } You owe the Oracle the complete works of Rodgers and Hammerstein. } Autographed. --- 1090-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is the first sentence of the reply. This is the second sentence, } which immediately follows the first sentence. In this sentence, it is } noted that this sort of thing has been done before by David Moser. } This sentence apologizes to Mr. Moser for appropriating his idea, but } expresses the belief that in this instance, it is appropriate. This } sentence indicates that the pun in the previous sentence is } intentional. This is the final sentence of the paragraph, and is } merely there to give the reader time to groan at the pun. } } This is the first sentence of the second paragraph of this reply. This } sentence ponders the self-referential nature of the reply, and wonders } whether it is appropriate, after all. In answer to the question posed } by the previous sentence, this one notes that the supplicant's question } was a generic reference to Steve Wright's one-liners. Continuing along } these lines, this sentence avers that this form of writing is a type of } generic answer, and is therefore perfect for the purpose. This } sentence disagrees. A lively discussion, replete with dependent and } independent clauses, which lead to a complex sentence structure that is } difficult to understand, rather like the works of James Fenimore } Cooper, takes place in this sentence, but no satisfactory resolution to } the debate is found. This sentence solves the problem by answering all } of Steve Wright's jokes. } } This sentence begins a new paragraph. The sentence after this one } brings up the point that the supplicant did not grovel. The sentence } before this one expresses the viewpoint that groveling is not } obligatory, and quotes the help file in support of this viewpoint. } This sentence points out the clever way the previous two sentences } managed to refer to each other. This sentence wonders if this could } result in the two sentences being in the wrong order. This sentence } points out a paradox, in that the sentences must simultaneously be in } both the right order and the wrong order. This sentence expresses } confusion over which order is the right one. At this point, all } thoughts of punishing the supplicant having been forgotten amid the } discussion, this sentence ends the paragraph. This sentence slyly } points out that the previous sentence didn't really end the paragraph, } after all. } } This sentence tells the supplicant what he owes the Oracle, in payment } for services tendered. --- 1090-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh marvellously robust Oracle, he of transfinite knowledge and mighty > girth! > > I am going to be judging a dog show next weekend. The trouble is, last > year we had a very fine dachshund, to whom was awarded the "Best of > Show" blue ribbon. However, after we'd bestowed the ribbon, it turns > out that what we had was not a dachshund, but Las Vegas showman Wayne > Newton. It was a very embarassing situation, and one we hope to avoid > this time around. > > So tell me wise one, how can one easily distinguish between Wayne > Newton and a dachshund? > > Yours, etc. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, there's been a regular epidemic of celebrities impersonating } the contestants at dog shows. However, the false can always be } distinguished from the true, usually during the talent contest } (though if the dog wears nothing for the Evening Gown phase, it's } probably Cher). Celebrities have too much ego to play the part of a } simple dog -- they have to personalize it. } } If the contestant can't sing, it's likely to be Wayne Newton; but } singing too well is a danger sign -- could be Pavarotti. } } Dog can't dance, Michael Jackson; dances too well, Baryshnikov; } bumps into things, Andrea Boccelli. Or maybe Gerald Ford or Sonny Bono. } } Too dumb to fetch a bone, Dan Quayle; fetches, then goes wild } wagging its tail and humps your leg, Benigni; starts to fetch but } freezes in mid stride, Bill Gates; swallows the bone, Monica. } } Well, you get the idea. Once you get the hang of it, you'll be able } to spot most of them quite easily. Just one thing, though, if the } dog acts more like a dog than any dog you ever saw, ask it to prove } it isn't Dustin Hoffman. } } You owe the Oracle a wurst. --- 1090-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU Thu Apr 22 16:07:27 1999 The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dear sir, > pl. help me if you have the answer or related web sites. > > Q1) what is the relative advantages of centralised and distributed > database. how might a distributed database designed for a local area > network differ from the one designed for long haul network. > > Q2) how does client /server DBMS differ from conventional DBMS? what > are > > the main advantages of client/server architecture? > > thanks in advance. > > regards, > Chalam And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A1) Relative advantages? Well, personally, when dealing with } relatives, I prefer them to be far away, so I have to say distributed } databases have the advantage here. As for long haul networks, try the } Trucker Channel. } } A2) The most important aspect of client/server architecture is to build } in features that allow the servers to be hidden away somewhere else in } the building, such as a dumbwaiter system or intercom. No sense } spoiling that nicely designed living space with inferiors. } } You owe the Oracle a much better grovel than "dear". Also, if you have } no idea what just happened here, you owe the Oracle an email to } oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 1090-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It is a cold, windy day in the mountains of Indiana. A rain-soaked > figure appears out of the gloom, and begins the long, tiring walk > up the steps to the Temple of the Oracle. He appears to be clutching > the remains of an umbrella, and has a tattered Union Jack pinned to > his rucksack; both sure signs of an Englishman abroad. > > The Supplicant---for that is who he must be, nobody else would come > this far---finally reaches the top of the steps, and, pausing a little > while to pull up his sodden socks, surveys the indescribable scene > before him. So this is what he had been waiting for. A change to ask > the Oracle the question that had tormented him for so many years---and > perhaps, even, to get an answer that would soothe his troubled mind. > > All at once, the Oracle appeared. ``OH, WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION, > COWERING MORTAL?'' > > The Supplicant stuttered, slipped on the glassy stonework, and fell > at the Oracle's nether extremities. ``My Question... my Question...'' > > ``HURRY UP, MERE FIGMENT OF THE UNIVERSE'S SUBCONSCIOUS. I DON'T HAVE > ALL DAY.'' intoned the Oracle in a leaden voice. > > The Supplicant pulled himself up onto his knees, clasped his hands > in what he assumed to be a suitably humble gesture, and, shivering, > whispered: > > ``What should I... brrr... do about junk mail?'' > > The Oracle fumed with indignation. ``JUNK MAIL? JUNK MAIL?... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } JUNK MAIL? You come here, pretending to be English, and expect me to } believe that you're on some sort of mission to rid the world of Junk } Mail. } } > But I am English, and I am on said mission. } } So, supplicant, if you're so English, describe London Bridge to me. } } > Of course, it has these two large elegantly decorted towers, and when } > tall ships pass through, it opens. You know, a drawbridge. } } Supplicant..... Do you really think that you could fool me? Now prepare } for ... English Hell. Fatha, Mutha, this be the bairn what called ye } both puffs. } } Fatha Bacon: 'ere, 'e said wot? } } > No Oracle I beg you. It was a simple slip. Let me prove my English- } > ness, and my desire to rid the world of junk mail to you. } } So be it supplicant. Call the compare. } } } Hello, Clive Anderson here. I sort of look like Clive James, but I'm } } not so funny. Fortunately I went to Oxbridge, so I get all the good } } gigs. Our topic for today is Junk Mail. Recent reports have claimed } } that the plague of junk mail has spread so far that The Queen herself } } has received junk mail at Buckingham Palace. } } [Picture shown of Gordon Brown, briefcase in hand, arriving at the } palace. The audience titters] } } } On the Red Team, we have Griff Rhys Jones. And on the Blue Team, we } } have A Supplicant. And our first challenge is for Griff Rhys Jones. } } You must repeat the David Rhodes chain letter scam in the style of a } } Shakespeare monologue. } } Alas poor Spamford, I knew him Horatio. Foorsooth, oh woe is me, } David Rhodes. What cruel fate comes knock on my door. For the hounds } of creditors leave me not alone, and cold winds blow through my life. } But O sweet lady of fate sees yet a chance to gaze upon me, by this } parchment, this parchment upon which my future itself doth lay. } By not more than five pieces of gold, that these cold hands send to } the five knaves at the top of the list. Oh how my fate doth change. } Oh how trust in the fates doth reap its reward. Oh sweet gold that } pours into my life without end. And now, my heart bleeds to spread lady } fate's sweet mercy to the downtrodden of this dark earth. And so, I, } David Rhodes, doth copy said parchment and send it afield. Perchance, } to be your dream. } } } And for the Red Team, A Supplicant, your challenge is to write a spam } } email subject line in the style of an Oscar Wilde witticism. } } > What on earth? } } } Sorry, can't give you a point there. First round to The Red Team. } } > But, I came to America to rid the world of junk mail, not to make } > feeble witticisms about it. } } } Can't give you a point for that one either I'm afraid. And now for the } } next game. For the Red Team, I call on Peter Jones. Peter, always a } } welcome guest on this show. Peter, Your challenge is to recite a } } Spam email remove list disclaimer in the style of, I'll choose a card, } } Murry Walker. } } Unless I'm very much mistaken, if you reply to this email with 'REMOVE' } in the subject line, you will never hear from me again. } } [Peter waits for the audience to catch on. They do, titter, and applaud] } } } Our next game is Vanessa Feltz charades. Graham Garden will play the } } role of Vanessa Feltz, and for the Blue Team, A Supplicant will play } } the part of an (emphasis) audience member. } } [Graham Garden is done up in absolutely dreadful drag, with cushions } down his dress in order to achieve the well-known Feltz figure] } } And next ladies and gentlemen, we'll introduce you to a poor poor man, } who was abandoned by his mother when a newborn, and raised by a family } of stoats, and teased continuously by other small mammals in the meadow } for his size and appearance. A supplicant. When did you first realise } that you were different from the other stoats? } } > But, I wasn't raised by a family of stoats. } } BURRRRR!!! } } } I think we'll give that one to the Red Team by default. And now for } } the Red Team, I call on Derek Nimmo. Derek, you must talk for one } } minute on the subject of Spam Email. You know the rules, no repeti- } } tion, and no hesitation. The Blue Team, represented by A Supplicant } } may at any time challenge for initiative should the current speaker } } hesitate, repeat himself, or wander from the topic. } } Spam email is something that I truly love. } Reading spam in the morning. Looking at it over } lunch. There is nothing that I prefer than } a quick glance at a chain letter an } advertisement for } } > BUZZ!!! } } } Challenge by the blue team. What's your challenge. } } > This is ridiculous. It's bad enough to not be able to carry out my } > mission to rid the world of spam, but this is too much for me to } > stand. } } } I'm sorry but you can only challenge for repetition, wandering from } } the topic, or hesitation. Derek Nimmo, you have thirty seconds left. } } pornography, of course I don't look at it } } > BUZZ!!! } } } Challenge by A Supplicant. What's the basis of your challenge. } } > Repetition of 'look'. } } } Well challenged Supplicant. You have twenty-three seconds starting } } from now. } } > I didn't want to play your futile, childish, game. I only wanted to } > rid the world of spam email, make us all free, and safe to return } > to our mailboxes. The world needs a champion to stamp out this plague } > upon all our houses, and personal computers. We must give up this } > futile arguing and at once. } } BUZZ!!! } } } Challenge by Derek Nimmo. What's the challenge? } } Repetition of 'futile'. } } } That's correct. A correct challenge, and you, Derek Nimmo, have five } } seconds from now. } } I personally met David Rhodes and he } } } DING! } } } } And there we have it. A clear victory for the Derek Nimmo and the Red } } Team. The Supplicant is revealed as not being English at all, but an } } imposter. And what is even worse, 'foreign'. } } > But I am, I am, I AM A POM!!! ..... ooops! } } The Oracle's finger starts idly polishing the ZOT button. } } This Oracularity, such as it is, is dedicated to the memory of } Derek Nimmo. May he rest in peace. --- 1090-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, who knows the name, performer, album title, and record > label of every single song now playing on the radio, tell me this: > > What do you think of that new song, "Everybody's Free (to wear > sunscreen)" by Baz Luhrmann? In case it doesn't come to you (not that > it wouldn't, O Supreme Supremeness!), it's that one where some guy is > talking over a musical background. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Priests and Supplicants with no class in '99: } } Wear a raincoat. } } If I could offer you only one tip for the future, a raincoat } would be it. The short-term benefits of wearing a raincoat are } only common sense, because when the crap starts flying, you want } to be prepared. } } Enjoy the eloquence and humour of the Digests. Oh, never mind. } You will not understand the eloquence and humour of the Digests, } on the rare occasions that they contain any. But trust me, in } 20 years, you'll look back at the 'Best of the Oracularities' } and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much utter tripe lay } in those Digests, especially post-Digest 1000. You are not as } funny as you imagine. } } Don't worry about your supplications being spat on by the Queue } Drainer. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as } trying to make Rhodites talk about the Oracle. The real Troubles } with Tribbles are apt to happen when they start multiplying at } an alarming rate, clog up the ventilation system, and then } suffocate you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. } } Stop doing one thing every day that scares me. } } Sing. But keep it to yourself, the neighbours don't want to hear } you when you're in the shower. } } Don't be reckless with other people's supplications. Don't put } up with incarnations who are reckless with yours. } } Don't floss, at least not your butt. No seriously, avoid thongs. } Those things can get stuck up in there. } } Don't waste your time watching television, when there are other } things that are much more fun. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes } you're behind, but with the right partner(s) any position can be } lots of fun. The race is long and hopefully so are you, or your } partner, unless you're lesbians in which case forget I said } anything. And as far as that race goes, finishing first } consistently is not necessarily a good thing. } } Remember the great responses you receive. Forget the crappy } incarnations. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how you } rotten lucky bastard. } } Keep your old love letters, you may need the references. Throw } away your old bank statements, lest 'they' find the evidence. } } Stretch. But not too far, you might pull a hamstring. } } Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with } a supplication. The most interesting answers I've received were } from people who didn't know what they wanted to do with their } questions. Some of the incarnations of recently Digested } Oracularities still don't. } } Get plenty of calcium. I hear Yoo-Hoo is good for that. } } Be kind to your keyboards. You'll miss them when someone makes } you spit coffee or beer or salsa all over them. } } Maybe you'll be Digested, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll make the } 'Best of', maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be told not to } participate in The Internet Oracle any more, maybe you'll be } asked to be a priest. Whatever you do, congratulate yourself a } lot, because nobody else will. Your prospects of being Digested } are half-chance. So are everybody else's. } } Enjoy your body. Find others who will use it every way they can. } Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it, unless } you're a certain multi-pierced erstwhile Rhodite in which case } it's already way too late. } } Enjoy your body, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living } room. But not when company is over. Unless they're into that sort } of thing. } } Follow the directions, but don't read them. } } Do not read beauty magazines. Just look at the pictures, and } try to imagine the models naked and frolicking. } } Get to know your parents. You never know when you'll have to } identify them in a police lineup. } } Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past } and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. } Unless they're more likely to want to borrow money from you than } you are from them, in which case move without telling anyone and } assume a new name. } } Understand that incarnations come and go, but only a precious few } will put in any effort whatsoever. Work hard and resubmit your good } supplications until somebody does them justice, because the more } crappy answers you get, the sweeter it will be when someone } actually tries. } } Live in a meat freezer once, but leave before it makes you hard. } Live in a cookie factory once, but leave before it makes you soft. } } Travel. Faster-than-light speed is pretty neat-o. } } Accept certain inalienable truths: Half of the Digested } Oracularities will suck. Most of your favourite sports teams will } suck. U2 sucks. But when you get old, you'll fantasize that when } you were young, the Digests were laugh riots, you were there in } person to see your sporting heroes win the championship every year, } and U2 sounded good and had talent. } } U2 never had talent. } } Don't expect anyone else to support you. They're much more likely } to blame you, and you can't afford that since you probably won't } have a trust fund or a wealthy spouse. } } Don't mess too much with your hair while you're driving. } } Be careful whose crack you buy, but be prompt in paying those who } supply it. Crack is a form of cocaine. Dispensing it is a way of } fishing the plastic-wrapped package from the toilet tank, wiping it } off, slicing it open with a pocket-knife so the buyer can sample it } for 'purity' and selling it for more than it's worth. } } But trust me on the raincoat. --- 1090-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Look, how about you and him fight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Luke: [whining] But Master Yoda, I don't want to fight him! And I told } you before, it's "Luke," not "Look." } } Yoda: Mmmm, yes, your name with puke be rhyming then? } } Luke: Uh...sure. You know what? Whatever gets you to pronounce it } right. } } Yoda: Yes, yes, tee hee. Puke, why not fight, you and Vader, then? } } Luke: It's _Luke!_ Not Puke! } } Yoda: Ah, you say your name Puke is! } } Luke: No, it _rhymes_ with puke! } } Yoda: Ohhhhh. Mmmmm. } } Luke: And I don't want to fight my father. } } Yoda: Your choice it is not. Fight him you will. } } Luke: How do you know these things? } } Yoda: Read the script I have. } } Luke: Script? } } Yoda: Mmmm, yes, an advance copy I have of the next movie too. The big } worm fellow you should beware of. } } Luke: What are you talking about? } } Yoda: A big worm hold captive your friends, he will. But worry not, } Leia's outfit verrrrry sexy will be. } } Luke: Huh? When? I want to see her in a sexy outfit! } } Yoda: Ah, but her brother you be. No nookie will you be getting. } } Luke: What? Look, you little green Muppet blob, I'm getting sick of } this. Start making sense or I'll punt you into the bog. } } Yoda: Your anger you must control! Your anger you must control! To } the dark side will it lead you! And if too soon to the dark side you } go, no sequel will there be! } } Luke: Sequel? Okay, that's it...I've had enough of your weirdness. } } [Luke punts Yoda, who goes flying into the bog chased quickly by a } frantic Frank Oz.] } } You owe the Oracle the dialogue of an intellectual debate between an } Ewok and Chewbacca.