From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri May 21 00:10:30 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.27) id AAA18393; Fri, 21 May 1999 00:10:30 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 21 May 1999 00:10:30 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199905210510.AAA18393@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1095 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1095 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1095 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 21 May 1999 00:10:30 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1095 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1090 69 votes erk71 k98kc 1gwh3 asgd2 dadkd 2auo3 1snf2 bjp86 bhbge 45jre 1090 2.9 mean 2.3 2.9 3.1 2.6 3.1 3.2 2.8 2.7 3.1 3.6 --- 1095-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh sexiest Oracle, whose sweat smells so good that Marilyn Monroe > should have worn it at night instead of Chanel N.5, I need your > help. > > I'm supposed to meet my thesis advisor a few times per week, > to talk about algebraic geometric and similar not-very-exciting > subjects. The problem is that, as soon as I see him, my legs > become weak, I start blushing, and instead of thinking about > algebraic curves I feel like removing all his clothes and making > love to him on his office's carpet. > > So what should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should seek therapy. --- 1095-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Spring is here, Spring is here > Life is finals, Life is beer And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Spring is here, Spring is here, } Life is finals, life is beer. } I think the scariest time of the year } is the Spring, I do, don't you? 'Course you do... } } But there's one thing } that makes Spring } quite bearable, } and makes all those finals endurable... } } All the World seems in tune } on a Spring afternoon } when we poison professors in the bar; } Every evening you'll see } my classmates and me } as we poison professors in the bar. } } When they see us coming } our tutors all run and hide } but they don't know the cognac's } been topped up with cyanide... } } We don't give a damn, } there's no need to cram } 'cause we've poisoned professors in the bar } la-la, la-la-la-la-la dum-de-dee, dum-de-doo... } } We've gained notoriety } And caused much anxiety } in Postgrad society } with our thought; } they see it as venomous } and reeking of wickedness } but mostly they're envious } we haven't been caught! } But we've shown we are worthy successors, } by covertly offing professors... } } So, if you want good grades } why don't you join our raids } and we'll poison professors in the bar. } And maybe we'll do } in a TA or two } while we poison professors in the bar. } We'll murder them all, amidst laughter and merriment } except for the few who base grades on experiments... } } My pulse will be quickenin' } with each drop of Strychnine } we serve to professors } - we don't need confessors - } to poison professors in the bar! } } You owe the Oracle a rousing chorus of "Bright College Days". --- 1095-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most enlightened one, please answer this geological query. > > I have this theory that the Earth is actually a three dimensional > donut and that lava is merely very hot jelly. Could you please prove > or disprove this for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE TEST LABS REPORT } EXPERIMENT NUMBER: QA09250 } COMMISSIONED BY: J. Random Supplicant } } Purpose of the experiment was to determine if the earth is in fact a } large doughnut that has not cooled sufficently to enjoy its sweet, } tasty filling. } } EQUIPMENT: } } 1 Jelly Doughnut } 2 Glasses Milk } 3 Tablespoons Topsoil, Refrigerated for three hours (to allow for } proper cooling) } 1 "booth" (see procedure) } 2 blindfolds. } 5 Napkins, Paper } } PROCEDURE: } } 1. Set up booth in local shopping mall, in front of "Dunkin Donuts" } franchise. Booth consisted of a folding table, two folding chairs, and } large cardboard sign that read "DOUGHNUT STUDY". } } 2. Approached patrons of "Dunkin Donuts" and asked them to participate } in a blind taste test. } } 3. After finding two agreeable patrons, returned to booth. Asked } Participant "A" to sit in the first chair, and Participant "B" to sit } in the second chair. } } 4. Blindfolded both participants. } } 5. Gave Participant "A" the jelly donut and first glass of milk. Asked } participant about the doughnut's flavor. The subject responded with } "Sweet...moist, I think the filling is strawberry." The subject then } knocked over her milk glass, which was cleaned up with the napkins. } } 6. Gave Participant "B" the topsoil and second glass of milk. Asked } participant about the doughnut's flavor. The subject responded with } "This tastes like dirt! Wait a minute! This is dirt! What kind of a } sick weirdo tells someone he's going to give them a doughnut, then } feeds them dirt??" Participant "B" then threw his glass of milk in our } researcher's face and kicked him in the shins. } } 7. Mall Security arrived and asked our researcher to accompany them } back to the office, where he had to wait until his parents came to pick } him up. As this was our researcher's second experiment at this mall, he } was asked not to return. } } CONCLUSIONS: } } 1. Milk smells bad if you don't wash it out of your shirt right away. } 2. I hate mall cops. } 3. The earth is not a doughnut. } } You owe the Oracle a good explanation for this, young man. --- 1095-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Meow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well . . . in theory - but, system designers can resolve many problems } with bus contention through the intelligent use of the prefetch queue } and the cache memory subsystem. They can design the prefetch queue to } buffer up data from the instruction stream, and they can design the } cache with separate data and code areas. Both techniques can improve } system performance by eliminating some conflicts for the bus. } } For example, if you execute two one-byte instructions in a row, the BIU } can fetch both opcodes in one memory cycle, freeing up the bus for } other operations. The CPU can use these available bus cycles to fetch } additional opcodes or to deal with other memory accesses. } } Of course, not all instructions are one byte long. The 8486 has two } instruction sizes: one byte and three bytes. If you execute several } three-byte load instructions in a row, you're going to run slower, } e.g., } } mov ax, 1000 } mov bx, 2000 } mov cx, 3000 } add ax, 5000 } } Each of these instructions reads an opcode byte and a 16 bit operand } (the constant). Therefore, it takes an average of 1.5 clock cycles to } read each instruction above. As a result, the instructions will require } six clock cycles to execute rather than four. } } Then again, maybe what you're *really* asking is for a saucer of milk. } } You owe the Oracle a dimebag of catnip and a hairball. --- 1095-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle Most Wise, please tell me how a newbie like moi can become a > webmaster. > > _________________________________________________________ > Do You Yahoo!? > Free instant messaging and more at http://messenger.yahoo.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heeheeheeeee! } } You seek Webi Master, Hmmmmmm...? } You seek Ordo! } } First, you get in line for Star Wars tickets. } Bring with you books on HTML and PERL. } While in line, study-study! } By time you reach front of line, you Webi Master! } } You owe the Oracle some dry sox and a map showing the } way outta this swamp! --- 1095-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most frabjous and beamish, > > Ever since last brillig, my vorpal sword hasn't been going > snicker-snak. It's been going snacker-snik. What am I doing wrong? I've > got an infestation of slithy toves that needs purging! > > Signed, > > Frumious in Fresno And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dearest Supplicant, } } You see that little girl over in the corner, the one with the long } blonde hair and the blue dress, chasing the rabbit ? } } She's to blame. } } Y'see, she'll be responsible for some mathematician with a yen } for naked preadolescents reporting on your exploits against the } slithy toves. Actually, this is not a problem since Victorian } British mathematicians, with or without kinky fetishes, are well } able to read and understand the difference between snicker-snak } and snacker-snik. } } Unfortunately, last brillig (Greenwich Mean Time), a updated } version of the story was put out by an American comics company } as a one-shot graphic novel. Among such innovations as having } Alice be a stacked redhead with a habit of losing her clothes, } and Tweedledum and Tweedledee blowing each other away with Glocks, } they got the description of your vorpal sword wrong. } } You can nip this in the bud now if you cut off her head (which, } I should point out, will also earn you points with the Red Queen). } } Go on, do it for Wonderland. } } - The Oracle --- 1095-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is superconductor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Faster than a speeding bullet train. } } More powerful than a locomotive. } } Able to leap from one car to the next without falling to his death. } } Look! Down the aisle! It's a middle-aged guy! No, it's an old guy! } It's SUPERCONDUCTOR! } } Yes, it's Superconductor -- strange visitor from another city, } usually in the American midwest, who came here with powers and } abilities far beyond those of mortal conductors. } } Superconductor, who can change the course of mighty trains, tear } tickets with his bare hands, help passengers with their heavy } luggage, and enjoys shouting "All Aboard!" really loud. } } Superconductor, who disguised at Clark Bent, mild-mannered } conductor for a great American train company (or alternatively, } perhaps Amtrak), fights a neverending battle for Truth, Justice, } and Smoke-free train cars. } } What is superconductor, you ask? The greatest American hero of } them all, that's what. } } You owe the Oracle a sketch of the other new "super-friends", } Superfluous and Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. --- 1095-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Got milk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } o/~ They fight! They bite! o/~ } o/~ They fight and bite and fight! o/~ } o/~ Fight fight fight, bite bite bite! o/~ } o/~ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! o/~ } } Today's episode: "Milk It Fur All It's Worth" } } The Scene: A tranquil, 1950s-era kitchen, complete with many "deluxe" } appliances. } } Itchy, wearing a frilly apron, opens the oven and takes out a pan of } delicious snickerdoodles. He smells them; aren't they just } scrumptious? He puts them on a plate, sets them on the table, and } attaches a note that reads "For Scratchy, Love Itchy". (Writer's note: } make sure it looks like a freakin' mouse wrote the note this time. } Mice do NOT have freakin' Palmer penmanship.) } } Scratchy struts into the kitchen and does a wacky take when he sees the } snickerdoodles. "For me??!??!?" he cries. He begins to gobble down } the snickerdoodles with wild abandon. } } But something is wrong. He stops chewing. He looks around the table. } He looks around the room, a growing sense of panic in his eyes--there's } no milk! } } Scratchy flings open the refrigerator door and spies a gallon a milk. } He promptly begins chugging the milk directly from the bottle. But } that's not milk--it's poison! (Writer's note: I'll leave it to the } art department to figure out how the cat could "mistake" poison for } milk.) The label reads "In case of accidental ingestion, drink plenty } of milk". Smoke and flames are now coming from his mouth. (Writer's } note: I know poison doesn't make flames come out of your mouth, but } this ain't PBS.) } } Panicking and screaming, Scratchy runs outside, where several cattle } graze in a pasture. The cat grabs a stool and a milk bucket, and } attempts to milk one of the cows. However, a large bull spots him and } charges. (Writer's note: This would be funnier if somehow the bull } "saw red". Maybe Scratchy should be bleeding at this point.) The bull } gores Scratchy horribly. Repeatedly. Ultimately, the bull head-butts } the cat, who goes flying through the air and lands on a city street. } } Scratchy continues to panic until he spots a baby in a baby carriage } with a bottle of milk. The cat runs up, grabs the bottle, and proceeds } to suck on the nipple. The baby cries inconsolably. The mother--a } big, strong, brutish dame--runs to the scene, screaming something } unrecognizable. She proceeds to beat Scratchy mercilessly with her } purse. Other large women join in. It's a regular "cat fight"--legs } and purses and hats are flying everywhere. } } Somehow, Scratchy crawls out of the side of pile. The women don't seem } to notice. He crawls out onto the street, where he is promptly run } over---by a milk truck, driven by Itchy! In a delightful denouement, } the mother of the baby picks up Scratchy's flattened carcass and wears } it like a fur stole. } } The end! Brought to you by the Dairy Council. } } You owe the Oracle milk money for all the kids at Columbine High } School. No, television doesn't desensitize us to violence. --- 1095-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most wise, tell me what would happen if the earth's axis of > rotation was perfectly perpendicular to its orbital plane around the > sun? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Americans would quit whining about global warming, that's for sure. } In fact, since Florida would be about 6 degrees Kelvin most of } the year, there wouldn't be any warmth in the Norther Hemisphere to } complain about. In fact, 15 miles north of the equator, kids entertain } themselves by venturing outside and dipping kittens in the liquid } nitrogen pools. It's fun to see Fluffy shatter! And if you happen to } lose your sunglasses, why worry? The sun is never ever ever going to } come up, no matter how long you wait! } } But let's get away from cold, dark, Florida! Why not take a holiday } in Austrailia? Only be sure to pack your flip-flops, because if } your bare feet touch the ground, they'll instantly be sauteed. Ouch, } talk about filet of sole! } } After a nice, blisteringly hot walk on the beach, you'll be ready } to enjoy Melbourne's famous nightlife. But since it never gets dark, } there is no nightlife to speak of! } } Now you're thinking to yourself, with these climatic extremes , } how could this planet possibly support life! Ha, ha, ha! Surprise! } It doesn't. So *you* don't really exist! Thanks for wasting the } Oracle's time. } } You owe the Oracle some SPF 25,000 suntan lotion. --- 1095-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fnook, O great Oracle. (That's how we greet our friends. If I > had said "Fn'ook" that would have indicated you were an enemy.) > I need to know when the forbensnetchers will finish repairing my > bexenblastronic foople, which will allow mr to return home. > > If I don't get it fixed soon, I'll need to infect myself into earth > beings in order not to expire. Fnook. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah yes fnook, the Franobulaxian version of aloha a word that means } hello, goodbye, and how bout them Nicks. Unfortunately, you have } crashed in New Yorkso don't expect any repairs on your vehicle for } at least 3 years (1.7 gleebles) or $50,000 (1.7 gleebles, time being } money after all). So you'll definitely have to go with infection, } but since you look, and taste, like coffee creamer you pretty much have } your pick of victims, but you've got to careful of those side effects } on your hosts. The increased hair growth, aggressive tendencies, } excess oil production, etc. I suggest picking a teenager or one of } those actors that plays Klingons. Fnook. } } You owe the Oracle a thermoflexic astrobleme.