From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon May 24 00:10:29 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id AAA01698; Mon, 24 May 1999 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 24 May 1999 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199905240510.AAA01698@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1096 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1096 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1096 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 24 May 1999 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1096 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1091 73 votes 4dsia agrd7 4aqlc kkff3 7avi7 8wkd0 6dsh9 8eimb 3fyg5 26hrl 1091 3.1 mean 3.2 2.9 3.4 2.5 3.1 2.5 3.1 3.2 3.1 3.8 --- 1096-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just bought a new car. It's a great car, but there's a small blind > spot right behind it. In theory, it would be possible for an animal to > run behind the car into the blind spot without me noticing. So here's > my question. How do you tell your kid that their dog is dead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ding-dong, the dog is dead! Which old dog? The witless dog! } Ding-dong, the witless dog is dead! } Come see the tire tread, his glassy eyes, and where he bled, } Come see, the witless dog is dead! } He's gone where bad doggies go -- below, below, below! } Yo-ho, let's toss the pup and make his fur a carpet } Ding-dong the fi-die-do, yelp it high, growl it low } Told you so, the witless dog is dead! } } You owe the Oracle a Munchkin to munch. --- 1096-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course. In fact, many farms nowdays have been using this new } technique for milking to avoid accusations of cruelty. After all, the } cow is obviously enjoying herself, and no human hand touches her. We } now take you to Old McDonald's (tm) Farm Inc. } } Farmer: Right ye are lad, we put the buckets under the cow's noses, } now it's up te ye te make them laugh. } } Billy Connelly (for it is he): Did you hear about the two cows who made } went sailing. The captain was an old salt but they had him licked. } } Cows: } } Farmer: Ye be useless lad. Beggone before I stick this here pitchfork } up ye hairy Scottish behind. 'Ere, lass, you want te have a go? } } Dawn French: Evening sisters. You remind me of a very famous cow Betty, } Betty the Vampire Slayer. No sooner would a vampire turn up in her } field than they would be struck dead, with a steak through their heart. } } Cows: } } Farmer: Ye be no more good than the last one. Beggone before ye husband } turns up and kisses my livestock. 'Ere, ye look a likely lad, why don't } ye give it a crack. } } Animal Rights Activist: We're not here to aid in your milking, we're } here to free these cows. } } Farmer: Urrrgghhh [A remarkably similar sound to that made by someone } who has just been poked in the stomach with a stick, for the remarkably } coincidental reason that he had just been poked in the stomach with a } stick. } } ARA: Friends, Jerseys, Heifers. I come to you not as a representive of } a species that has oppressed you so long, but as a liberator, to bring } you news of joy. All you have to do is... } } [At this point the Animal Rights Activist slips on a cowpat and lands } face down in it] } } Cows: Ha ha ha HA HA HA SLOSH!! HA HA HHHHAAAAA HHAAAHAHA HAAHA SLOSH } HA HA HA HHHAAAAA SLOSH HA HA HA HA.... SLOSH SLOSH SLOSH!!! } } Well, supplicant. You didn't expect cow humour to be sophisticated } did you? } } You owe The Oracle some ice-cream substitute with no dairy products and } less than one percent fat [1]. } } [1] This actually exists, I bought some last night. --- 1096-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Clever and Cute Oracle, > > How will glow-in-the-dark pets change the world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's all part of a cunning plan, y'see. There ain't a man alive that } can make love while he knows a cat is watching him, so } glow-in-the-dark pets will eliminate from the gene-pool any woman } with a tendency to keep cats. } } Then, after the IQ of the human species is lowered to the level of } those who think dogs are a good idea, the Antarians will invade and } can you all as high quality spam. } } You owe the Oracle a can-opener. And a promise to keep your body } free of nasty chemical additives. --- 1096-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc recoiled in shock as the latest message flashed onto his } screen. "Mighty One! It's getting worse!" } } "Silence worm, let me see," the Oracle growled, as he pushed past } his lackey. He gritted his teeth at what was displayed. } } > } } "It isn't bad enough that the Queue Drainer sends a single } sentence question, but he *dares* to mock me with these double-liners! } We'll, we're just gonna have to fix his little red wagon." } } Turning to his throne, the omniscient one tapped a command into } the keyboard integrated in the arms. A panel slid back with a muted } click, and the Oracle insterted the handle of the Staff of Zot into the } waiting receptacle. The walls buzzed with the vibration as the power } built. Flat screens descended from their storage locations in the } ceiling, scrolling with data. The lights in the audience chamber } flickered, and a subsonic hum began to build, slowly gaining in pitch. } } Zadoc's eyes widened. "Surely even one as repugnant as the Queue } Drainer should not be subjected to.... *that*!" } } The Oracle turned, and Zadoc quivered - even more than he } normally did - at the intense, cold rage in that gaze. A muscle in the } Oracle's cheek began to twitch, riviting the terrified lackey as his } body froze in sheer horror. "I've had enough. I'm going to crush this } annoyance, once and for all." } } A keyboard rose from the floor, suspended at hand level by } invisible forces. The Oracle began to type. } } "Dear Mr. Lucas. I thought you might like to know that someone is } selling bootleg copies of Star Wars: Episode One via mailorder..." } } You owe the Oracle a question next time. Or he'll sicc the Land Sharks } on you. --- 1096-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, who could easily win a Best of Ten Test of Knowledge > against Ben Stein, please enlighten this humble supplicant. > > Has Zadoc been taking lessons from Jimmy Kimmel? He seems to have > appropriated Jimmy's style in a recent appearence in the > Oracularities... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the truth is that we finally decided Zadoc's official role should } be that of "sidekick," mainly because we noticed that the average } sidekick is alternately demure and incredibly annoying, much like } Zadoc. We weren't sure exactly how he should play his role, so we had } him respond to a question chosen at random from the queue in a variety } of different styles. I don't want to reprint the question here, but I } think you'll be able to get the gist of it. Here is a sampling of the } results... } } ANDY RICHTER: As much wood as a...what was the question again? } } KATHIE LEE: All I know is that my Cody could do it better than any dumb } old woodchuck! } } ART GARFUNKEL: Ooh ooh ooh ooh aah. [This is a textual representation } of the harmony portion of "The Only Living Woodchuck in Indiana."] } } KEVIN EUBANKS: Hee hee hee hee. That's funny, Jay. } } JERRY LEWIS: Oh, Dean, I do not think woodchucks can do the wood } chucking with the logs and the stubby little armsenheiven. } } ED McMAHON: Two quarts an hour...oh, I'm sorry, two CORDS. } } JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah, I think a better question would be where is he } chucking it? I mean, I wouldn't go around the forest chucking my wood } just anyplace, if you know what I mean. } } When all was said and done, we decided to pick the least of 275 evils, } and so Zadoc has adopted a Jimmy Kimmel persona. I don't mind, because } he's so into his role that, every weeknight at 7:30, he asks me a few } easy questions and then hands me $5,000. } } I invite you to write, call, or e-mail to cs.indiana.edu in the hope, } infinitesimal as it might be, that on some planet, on some distant day, } you might not owe the Oracle anything. --- 1096-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, thou who is the wriggliest one of all. > > Oracle, I'm a sperm. There are about 15 million of us swimming up > these fallopian tubes, and I'm far from being the first. Can you give > me any hints that could help me improve my chances of being the one > to fertilise the egg? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O young Spermlicant: } } * First things first, you'll want to start off with a vigorous } stretching regimen. Many a battle has been lost due to a pulled } flagellum. } } * Don't try to be the first out of the gate. If you do, you'll wind up } being the one that discovers all the obstacles first . . . by running } headlong into them. } } * If you do make it all the way up the fallopion tube, head around to } the back side of the eggs. There will be fewer of your opponents } competing for that side. } } * If you can find a way to carry a drill with you, that certainly } wouldn't hurt. } } * You could try knocking "shave and a haircut" and see if the egg might } just *let* you in. } } * If you're the type of sperm who lacks any scruples, you may wait for } another sperm to tire himself out digging through the egg wall, and } then knock him out of the way to finish the job. } } * A dangerous tactic might be to try to carry a concealed container of } spermicide to unleash on your competitors toward the latter part of the } race. BE EXTREMELY CAREFUL WHEN DOING THIS! } } * Finally, the real question is: Why the hell would you want to win the } race to become a human? } } You owe the Oracle a case of 64 condoms for this weekend, a gallon of } peanut oil, and some Crown Royal. --- 1096-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tick tick tick tick tick tick tick > tick tick tick tick tick tick tick > tick tick tick tick tick tick tick And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And the question was: } } What do twenty-one monkeys pull out of the hair of their mate's head? } } no wait... } } What sound does a Rolex, purchased on the corner of 5th and Broadway, } make? } } no wait... } } What sound does the bell at Columbine High School make? } } no wait... } } How would a pom line up a platoon of tick's? } } I know I know } } Put a card in the spokes of a bicycle and what have you got? } } I give up. You owe the oracle a question. Answers are too tough. --- 1096-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracleman, whose rubber codpiece can stop the largest bullet please > answer my burning question! What ever happened to you at the Polly's > Chicken on Nominal Avenue? (976-02) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Previously on TIO: The Oracleman and his sidekick Lisa have been } captured by the evil Puzzler and forced to answer logic puzzles on pain } of death! Can our two heros escape from the Puzzler's dastardly } cluches? Can they foil his evil plan to commit the crime of the } century? } } [cue cheesy title sequence] } } "How ever can we escape from this one, Orrie? The Puzzler has really } got us this time." } } "Never fear Lisa! We can trap the Puzzler with his own fiendish logic!" } } "But Orrie, even if we can answer all the puzzles, he'll have time to } break into the Oraclecave and hijack the question queue!" } } "Exactly! And that's just how we're going to catch him. Now if I can } just start this mail client ..... uuuhh ..... got it! Now while I trap } the Puzzler, you get these handcuffs off!" } } [The Oracle types speedily. Messages <> and <> flash } across the screen in bright colours. Meanwhile, Lisa slips off a shoe, } uses her toes to deflty remove a hairclip from just behind her ear and } picks the locks on the handcuffs] } } "Ahh-hah! The Puzzler reckoned without your amazing flexibility, Lisa. } Now to the Oraclecave!" } } "But how will we trap him, Orrie?" } } "Never fear, my trusty assistant! If my plan has worked, the Puzzler is } already caught!" } } [cue chase scene, as the Oraclemobile races through downtown } Bloomington. Our heroes finally reach the doors to the Oraclecave and } burst in. Inside the Puzzler is sitting at a terminal, staring blankly } into the distance and shaking slightly] } } "Holy Anti-histamines Orrie! What have you done to him?" } } "As I thought! The Puzzler! So you thought you could fool the Oracle. } But you reckoned without my omnipotence and Lisa's yogic training. I } think you better come with us down to City Hall" } } [cut to the Commisioner's office. Outside we see the Puzzler being led } down to the cells, still vacant and unresponsive] } } "Thanks for you help Oracleman. Without you and Lisa, the Puzzler may } have been able to take over the whole Internet. But I still don't } understand how you managed to trap him in the Oraclecave with just one } e-mail" } } "Well, I knew the Puzzler would never have lured us to Polly's chicken } unless he wanted to use my question queue as the start of his evil } scheme for world domination. So I sent this message:" } } From: The Internet Oracle } Subject: tell me } } Oracleman, whose rubber codpiece can stop the largest bullet please } answer my burning question! What ever happened to you at the Polly's } Chicken on Nominal Avenue? (976-02) } } "When I recieved the Puzzler's reply, I knew I had him trapped in an } infinite loop and that his capture would be simple:" } } From: The Internet Oracle } Subject: The Oracle replies! } } Previously on TIO: The Oracleman and his sidekick Lisa have been } captured by the evil Puzzler and forced to answer logic puzzles on } pain of death! Can our two heros escape from the Puzzler's dastardly } cluches? Can they foil his evil plan to commit the crime of the } century? } ..... . . . } } [cue end-credits sequence. You owe the Oracle Russell's paradox } explained by Diana Rigg in her Avenger's catsuit] --- 1096-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, without whom the 'Net could not exist, please tell me > this. How is passing more laws supposed to stop those who are not > afraid to break them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well Supplicant... } } I _could_ tell you that mortals, like ants (and hard to distinguish } from my exalted position) have an obsession with being seen to } be active, however futile and meaningless that activity may be. } That passing more laws is such an activity. } } I _could_ tell you that mortals crave simple answers to complex } problems. That passing more laws is cheap and simple. It doesn't even } require providing sufficient resources for enforcement of those laws. } It's just pieces of paper. } } I _could_ tell you that lawmakers hope that the extra publicity } accompanying the passage of said laws brings them to the attention } of lawbreakers, and gives them pause for thought and a chance to } reconsider their ways. That ignorance is not an excuse, but an } explanation. } } But gentle Supplicant, _those_ answers ignore the fact that your } lawmakers are selected by the most intricate and democratic methods } to represent you all. That said lawmakers must therefore be the most } intelligent and wise of all mortals and that there is an intelligent } and rational reason for passing more laws. } } And that reason is....ummmmm, give me a moment.....it's coming } to me..... } } Ummmm, you don't want to ask me the meaning of life, do you? No? } Ok, ummmmm.... } } I must know this one....I'm omniscient....ummmm......Ok, how about } this: } } Every time a problem occurs you create legislation: } a) specific to the even in question, even if more general legislation } exists that already covers the specific case; and /or } b) so generalised, broad and vague that it encompasses, or so lawyers } can argue, a whole host of actions that were previously not criminal } (even if morally dubious or questionable under any given morality) } } This has two major effects: } a) the creation of loopholes, as criminals evade the specifics of over } specialised legislation. This brings the justice system, lawmakers, } and lawyers who get these scum off, into disrepute. } b) the dense morass of laws is so complex that no one can understand } them, even the lawmakers and lawyers. The justice system becomes } arbitrary as the vagueness and scope of offences means that everyone } is guilty of something. Even the most law-abiding citizen cannot be } aware of all laws and is always breaking one or more in some way. } This brings the justice system lawmakers, and lawyers who pursue } trivial cases against otherwise honest people, just like you, } into disrepute. } } Obviously, Supplicant, your society passes this point some time ago. } } A simple socio-economo-poltico analysis shows that this process is a } vicious circle. It will degenerate, arbitrarily, into one of two states: } } a) the lack of respect for the law yields a state of anarchy } b) the lack of respect for the law yields a totalitarian crackdown by } the government } } And so the finest minds of your duly elected representatives finally } see their plan come to fruition. In both states all the lawyers are } disposed of in the Great Relief of 20xx, and judges are given full } power as prosecutor, judge, jury and execution. There is no need for } defence, as noted above, since everyone is guilty. } } Everyone is now afraid to break the laws. Or at least until a Judge } catches up with them. Not being afraid is a sign you are hiding } something, a criminal offence, and you will be Judged accordingly. } } And so, Supplicant, passing more laws does, eventually, stop all } those who are not afraid to break them. } } You owe the Oracle a firmer grip on reality and a Lawgiver. --- 1096-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle..... One who always gets enough sleep..... Coffee > ineffective..... Pepsi not kicking in...... Jolt unavailable.... > Must know.... When will babsleep through night?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When you stop giving the child Jolt and coffee and Pepsi.