From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Aug 9 17:18:08 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id QAA25003; Mon, 9 Aug 1999 16:45:46 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 16:45:46 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199908092145.QAA25003@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1110 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1110 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1110 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 16:45:46 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1110 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1105 74 votes 38yp4 3ahok 2cHh0 24cCi amfj8 96onc 2bxp3 dmnb5 6fkna 5goib 1105 3.2 mean 3.3 3.6 3.0 3.9 2.9 3.3 3.2 2.6 3.2 3.2 --- 1110-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, tell me.... > > Who, pray tell me, invented the lozenge? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some sucker. --- 1110-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Too often trolled Grand Oracle, > > Do you get more complaints about the queue being empty or about > answers arriving too slowly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for calling the Oracle Call Center. Your call is important to } the Oracle. Please listen to this entire list of choices before making } a selection. } } If you'd like to make a Supplication, press 1. If you'd like to make a } payment, please press 2. If you'd like to make a compliment, please } press 3. If you'd like to make a complaint, please press 4. To repeat } these options, please press zero. } } [4] } } Thank you for calling the Oracle Complaint Center. It is the Oracle's } sincere wish to improve the quality of his responses to you, the } Supplicant. Please listen to this entire list of choices before making } a selection. } } If you'd like to enter a complaint about an empty queue, please press } 1. If you'd like to enter a complaint about a slow or missing answer, } please press 2. If you'd like to enter a complaint about the quality of } an answer, please press 3. If you'd like to enter a complaint about a } member of the Oracle's staff, including Priests, please press 4. To } return to the previous menu, please press 9. To repeat these options, } please press zero. } } [1] } } You have selected Staff complaint. Please state the name of the staff } member you wish to complain about. To return to the previous menu, } press 9. } } [9] } } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be disciplined shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } } [9] } } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be disciplined shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } } [0] } } Thank you for calling the Oracle Complaint Center. It is the Oracle's } sincere wish to improve the quality of his responses to you, the } Supplicant. Please listen to this entire list of choices before making } a selection. } } If you'd like to enter a complaint about an empty queue, please press } 1. If you'd like to enter a complaint about a slow or missing answer, } please press 2. If you'd like to enter a complaint about the quality of } an answer, please press 3. If you'd like to enter a complaint about a } member of the Oracle's staff, including Priests, please press 4. To } return to the previous menu, please press 9. To repeat these options, } please press zero. } } [2] } } You have selected Staff complaint. Please state the name of the staff } member you wish to complain about. To return to the previous menu, } press 9. } } [9] } } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } } [0] } } Thank you for calling the Oracle Complaint Center. It is the Oracle's } sincere wish to improve the quality of his responses to you, the } Supplicant. Please listen to this entire list of choices before making } a selection. } } If you'd like to enter a complaint about an empty queue, please press } 1. If you'd like to enter a complaint about a slow or missing answer, } please press 2. If you'd like to enter a complaint about the quality of } an answer, please press 3. If you'd like to enter a complaint about a } member of the Oracle's staff, including Priests, please press 4. To } return to the previous menu, please press 9. To repeat these options, } please press zero. } } [0] } } Because of the high demand, the Oracle has found it necessary to limit } free support calls to one supplication or complaint per call. If you } would like to continue this call at a cost of thirty-five cents per } minute, please enter your sixteen-digit credit card number now. } } [0000 1111 2222 3333] } } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will } be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9. } } We're sorry, but your call has exceeded the allotted time. Please call } back later. Thank you for calling the Oracle Call Center. } } [disconnect] } } (Ain't computers grand? O.) --- 1110-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We're just Suplicants > You're the Oracle > That is why we're here > We put our faces down > till they're on the ground > Yes we're grov-el-ing. > Hope it's not about > Hope it's not about > Hope it's not about > those Woodchucks. > - > Here's our question now, > Please don't Zot us now, > Tell us if you please. > Mighty Oracle > Please do tell us how > Zodac became Head-Priest? > Glad it's not about > Glad it's not about > Glad it's not about > Those Woodchucks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The last Head Priest, a man they called Babar, } A man of tow'ring wisdom, bright and fair, } Didst lose his job, when one day in his car } Was caught with handcuffs and a Welsh au pair. } } So twice one hundred priests were gathered round } The holy bless'd replacement for to seek } And brought were they to my pallatial grounds } To test the wise and weed out all the weak. } } First, I gestured, posed, and moved for days } So mimicked they my movements tat for tit. } And those who moved without my "Simon Says...," } Were cast into the horrid fiery pit. } } And to the rest I gave them each a name; } And film connections to these names were spaken } Oh, Woe! to those who couldn't make a chain } Of less than six degrees from Kevin Bacon. } } The test of pain was next for those poor few } Who hadn't failed or ran away in fright. } Oh what a horrid thing to make them do-- } To watch "Spice World" four times in just one night! } } Which left the test of Karma for the three } Who proved themselves made of the strongest stock } And fate would have the priest named Zadoc be } The one with "paper" when the rest had "rock." } } And so the priest named Zadoc was enthroned } With garlands and a sceptre made of brass. } And once his rights and privledges bestown, } Became a massive pain upon my rear end. } } Alas! the testing is both tried and true } And so perhaps he's wiser than he acts... } So as for now, there's nothing I can do } But bite my godly tongue and face the facts. } } I'm stuck with Zadoc as my #2. } Hoi! Hai! Zadoc! Fetch me a "Mountain Dew." } } You owe the Oracle a bowl of Iambs dog food. --- 1110-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Thy Omniscienticiousesqueness, > > If Viagra hadn't been invented, what would Bob Dole be doing for a > living these days? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just hanging around with his wife. --- 1110-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most frumulious, > > I sent an original question to you recently, and received a > blisteringly funny answer (the one about whether I was being too > unproductive at work, and how to stop feeling guilty about it. > I am sure that you, in your omniscience, have not forgotten it.) > It was ignored by the priests. The reply I gave in return, however, > was rather unoriginal (the ever- popular and cliched Star Trek parody, > with Og thrown in for good measure,) had a fairly stupid ending, and, > IMHO, not that funny. It was digested (question & reply 1104.10), > and was eventually given a score of 3.7, which won't put it into > the "Best of", thankfully, but still, far higher than it deserved. > It seems quite obvious to me that if one of the questions should > have been digested, it was the first one, which was a very humourous > response to an original question, instead of the second, which was a > fairly hackneyed response to a question that didn't leave much room > for an original reply in the first place. My question is: why? > Are such a large number of your faithful disciples (and, for that > matter, priests) such Star Trek geeks that a response that I churned > out over half of my lunch hour would elicit a knee-jerk vote of 4 or 5? > Or is there something deeper and more sinister at work here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uruha: Mr. Spock. I have received some sort of odd transmission } on an open frequency. The Capt. is still down on the } Planet of The Sky Lucys. Could you have a look at it? } } Spock: Certainly. } } [ Spock reads the message. Pauses. Cocks one eyebrow. ] } } Spock: Fascinating in an obtuse sort of way. } } Uruha: What does it mean? } } Spock: Man in the late twentieth century had failed to come to } grips with the pointless absurdity of their wage- } slave existence. To combat this they escaped into } fantasy worlds where the traits they processed } righted the wrongs of the world. The muscle-bound } developed worlds of sports and speed where strength } and agility earned respect and fortune. Cerebral } types envisioned worlds where technology would save } them, where pure thought and... } } Chekov: Unidentified craft closing fast!! } } [ KABOOM, camera is shook violently to simulate a } collision. Sparks flight and a dorky siren is heard. ] } } Scotty: Mister Spock sir, `r shields they be a weakin' } } Spock: Status report! } } Chekov: It appears we were, I can hardly believe the sensors! } } [ Close up of Spock as he cocks an eyebrow. ] } } Chekov: We've been whumped up side the head by drunken } lout beams in a muscular and speedy fashion } and our main computers are all off line. } } [ Close up of Spock as he cocks an eyebrow. ] } } Uruha: Hailing frequency message on the main screen. } } [ On the main screen is what appears to be a smoke filled } pub full of soccer hooligans. ] } } Hooligan: F' You DOOD! } } [ Screen goes to black. BOOM! Another violent shaking } of the camera, sparks routine repeated. Fade to } a commercial for beer. ] --- 1110-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am trying to figure out the best way to grovel to my wonderful > Oracle. Would you prefer that I totally abase myself, for instance by > bathing in a hog lagoon stark naked, or would you prefer that I sing > your praises, perhaps whilst accompanying myself on the accordian? I > would have to make up appropriate words to the tune of "Lady of Spain" > because that's the only tune I can play on the accordian. (Sorry, but > as a Supplicant, I'm not exactly known for my versatility.) > > Which one is your preference? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We -all- would prefer the singing to seeing you in the buff } in the bog. } } But you know what supplicant? I almost could live without the } grovels IF YOU PEOPLE WOULD JUST PAY ME SOME OF THE TRIBUTES } I ASK FOR! } } Come on people, it's fallen to less that 4% of supplicants } paying off. Do you have any idea how expensive a temple } in Indiana is? Plus the staff? And keeping the fridge full } for those priests? } } You owe the Oracle forty-one dollars and 98 cents. (US) --- 1110-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and admirable all-seeing, all-hearing, all-tasting Oracle, > I ask that you sprinkle me liberally with your wisdom and shake well. > > What should those of us who choose to pursue romantic relationships > with suicidal bipolar individuals keep in mind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is very easy. Just, if you would please, keep in mind two } things... if it's not too much trouble. You need to, say that's } a nice outfit... where was I? As I was saying... HUH? Hey, } I'M GETTING AROUND TO IT DAMN IT JUST HOLD YOUR F'ING HORSES } FOR GODSAKE!!!! } } Where was I? Oh yes, just keep in mind that you probably should } try to talk him into leaving the guns at home, locked up. Even } though as we all know some times you need them BECAUSE SOME } BLANKETY BLANK MORON WILL GET IN YUR FACE AND THEN!!! GGRRgrrrr } } Oh, and make sure he's on his meds. Many of the pills now a } days are in purty pastel colors. I like pastels? Do you? } } You owe the Oracle a bunny rabbit and a rocket launcher. --- 1110-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, advanced Eagle Scout and trusted member of the FFA -and- > the FAA -and- the FDA, > > How does one raise a "false alarm"? Do they require any type of > special care & feeding? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not at all! False alarms are quite easy to raise - in fact, many } are raised unintentionally, by people just like you, who just aren't } paying attention. } } Keep in mind, however, that while you may find delight in raising } one (intentionally), others around you may not be so pleased with } the result. Many find -any- alarm disturbing, and may insist that } you disable yours. And trust me, there is nothing more sad or useless } than a disabled alarm. } } If you do decide to raise a false alarm, be sure to give it the } deliberation and attention it deserves: } } 1) Raise it where others can appreciate it - crowded theaters and } hospitals are popular venues. } } 2) Be discreet - let the alarm have the attention it deserves. } Keep yourself out of the public eye. } } 3) Give it the opportunity to meet public safety figures such as } police officers and firefighters. They are skilled at recognizing } alarms of all types, and will relish the chance to meet a false alarm. } } 4) If someone ignores your alarm, they obviously need to be taught } a lesson. Arrange for them to meet a real alarm - that will teach } them to gove your alarm the respect it deserves! } } Selecting your alarm will be a challenge. The variety today is } staggering - ranging from tiny peepers that fit on your wrist to huge } sirens that live atop buildings and towers. Choose one that will stand } out in the environment where it will live. A "wet basement" alarm in } bayou country won't get any attention, although one in a submarine } certainly will! Remember too that raising an alarm unintentionally } can be embarrasing, so be sure to plan carefully. } } You owe the Oracle a huge siren. Lisa's away for the weekend. --- 1110-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Meow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, so let me try to explain it again. Fokker is a Danish plane } manufacturer. Billy's teacher was trying to tell the students that } Billy's grandfather was saying "Fokkers." You know, like if you're } driving and someone cuts you off... } } > > Meow! } } OK, I know, I know, you don't drive. But if you DID, like Toonces, you } know, the driving cat from Saturday Night Live... } } > > Meow? } } yes I know it sucks since Gilda died. But IF YOU DID drive and someone } cut you off, you'd say "that Honda cut me off," not "that ugly fat } white guy with the cheap suit and greasy bald spot." Just like that, } Grandpa wasn't saying that a bunch of _pilots_ were behind him in their } planes, he was just calling them "Fokkers" like you'd call greasy white } dude "Honda." } } > > Meow? } } No, he wasn't calling them "Fokkers." That's supposed to be the funny } part. The irony of the... } } > > Meow? } } What? } } > > Meow! } } Yes, I do happen to know the difference. Sarcasm is like irony but it's } mean-spirited. It's from the Latin, or Greek, I forget. It means } "tearing of the flesh." Irony just means, um, irony. Anyway, the } joke... } } > > Meow. } } I'm hungry too but I don't think raw flesh sounds appetizing. Yuck. } Anyway, the joke. The kindergarten teacher told the kids that Grandpa } was saying "those Fokkers were right behind me still" and Grandpa } replied, "no, those Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts." See? So he } didn't mean "Fokkers." } } > > Meow? } } Do I have to explain everything to you? Messerschmidt is another plane } manufacturer that supplied Hitler. So Grandpa didn't mean "Fokkers" he } meant that other word... } } > > Meow? } } I can't say that word...you know, the Communications Decency Act. Well, } I'll whisper it in your ear... } } > > Errerrrow! Meow meow meow!!! } ---- } } You owe the Oracle a solemn promise never to tell a joke to my cat } again. --- 1110-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, who knows about the mating habits of all the little > fishes and stuff, answer me the following question: > > What is the collective name for scuba divers? > > Ta very much, chuck! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Careful about references to Chuck, mister. You're THIS close to a zot. } But I refrain, because I see that you have a certain intelligence -- } you need one, to realize that this is not as simple as it appears. } } A pity, really. Zots help break up the day. Typing answers all day } long can get boring, you know. But the smell of burnt flesh helps } to rejuvenate me, and the images -- did I ever show you my picture } collection? Thousands of supplicants, JUST BEFORE they got zotted! } Ooh, the looks on their faces! Darn few things that fun in life, } I can tell you! Sure, there's Lisa, and there's the joy that comes } from crafting the PERFECT answer to some silly question, but it just } doesn't ... um... } } Actually, we did have more questions than usual today, so I'm staying } up late to answer them. Forgive me if my answers get a little bit } valuted con. } } Collective names are very strange in English. Everybody knows that } the plural of "Convertible Car" is "Convertible Cars" but only a few } realize that the plural of "Attorney General" is "Attorneys General." } Why? Because "Attorney" is the noun and "General" is the adjective, } even though it is part of the title. Stupid rule, but I didn't make } it up, I just report it. I don't even have any choice in the matter. } All day long, just question question question -- some good answers, } when the question is decent, but lots of CRAP questions, and even more } CRAP answers, but can you blame me? All the answers start to look } the same after awhile, because typing answers all day long can get } boring, you know! I probably already said that but that's my POINT, } all the answers start to look the SAME after awhile, even when the } question is about... } } Scuba Divers? } } Maybe you could go to School to learn about schools of Scuba Diving? } No, no, just kidding. See, it's a reference to a School of fish, which } is where you learn to spell, get it? Just a little Oracle humor; typing } answers all day long can get boring, you probably didn't even realize } that, you lowly supplicant you. I should ZOT you where you stand. } } But I won't, 'cause I'm benevolent. There's another word you should } look up. It's spelled B-E- well, you know, you can simply look at it, } this is WRITTEN communication. Hey, that was your question, wasn't it? } About writing? } } In the case of "Scuba Diver," one could consider the noun to be Diver } and then the plural is quite simply "Scuba Divers," as you yourself } have used. But one would be wrong. After all, Scuba stands for } "Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus." Therefore, "Scuba } Diver" is short for "Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus } Diver," and the noun is clearly Apparatus. Therefore, the plural } is "Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatum Diver," or simply } "Scubam Diver." } } Scubam Diver. Heh, heh. Sounds like part of a song. You know, Jazz, } maybe Scat. "Bop bop deedilly wap Scu BAM Diver BAM bo bop boppity Scu } BAM!" Yeah, baby! "De du wappity shu diddle biddle biddle BAM, diddle } wah wah wah! Di dup bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop } bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop, Scu BAM do WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!" } } Sorry, I wandered a bit. Typing answers all day long can get boring, } or did I say that before? God, I'm so depressed, I could kill myself } but I'm not really alive so I don't know why I bother saying it. } "ZOT!" Ha, had you worried there, didn't I? But I didn't zot you, } I just said the WORD Zot. Big difference, I can tell you! } } Anyway, did I answer you well, well, do-wap do tell, askme and tellme } or we'll all go to } } Hello postman, give me zadoc@Oracle9. If you bounce this message, } I'll kick your big } } Behind the refrigerator there is a piece of glass! Lisa slipped and } fell, and cut her little } } Ask me some more question. I've got a million lines! But most of my } answers are uncivilized... } } uh... typing answers all day long can get boring... but that's because } typing answers ... um, all day... } } Did I mention that it was very late? } } You owe the Oracle a CD of some scat music. Or some jazz. Any of } 'em, it doesn't matter which one, just not one of those boring ones } (typing answers all day long can get boring), maybe some Ellington, } but it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing! Do wop do wop } do wop do wop do wop do wop do wop! Oh, it don't mean a thing...