From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Nov 24 14:58:42 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id NAA14903; Wed, 24 Nov 1999 13:38:13 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1999 13:38:13 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199911241838.NAA14903@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1128 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1128 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1128 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1999 13:38:13 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1128 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1123 72 votes 27ur6 5gBc2 5brib aold4 4cvk5 2cogi 8qp94 1irga 7frk3 gjmb4 1123 3.0 mean 3.4 2.9 3.3 2.7 3.1 3.5 2.7 3.2 3.0 2.6 --- 1128-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, whose internet connection is so fast that things are > downloaded before they are requested, answer me this. > What will the Spice Girls and Take That be doing in the future? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Baby Spice: Stunt double for Traci Lords in the next John Holmes } 'drama' } } Ginger Spice: Taken hostage by the Schweppes company and ground up into } a fine powder for a unique line of "Ginger Spice Ginger Ale" } } Posh Spice: "Like um... Do you want fries with that?" } } Scary Spice: Used to frighten small children into staying in school. } Must be the hair. } } Sporty Spice: Mistakenly believed her "Spice" name would imbue her } with magical athletic talent. Unfortunately, the only sport skills she } was blessed with was javelin catching. Swiss Cheese Spice anyone? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the TV Guide listing stating precisely } when MTV will actually show a music video. --- 1128-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why are the receptionist at hospitals and doctor's offices always > mean old women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a simple result of the laws of supply and demand. You see, } doctors and hospitals have skills that are greatly in demand, and } have no difficulty finding enough patients to keep up the payments on } their Porsches. If you're wondering why this may be, I suggest you } try reading the ingredients lists on a few examples of what passes } for 'food' in this society. In any case, why bother paying extra for } a class receptionist when you already have an unstoppable flow of } punters lining up half an hour before opening time? } } On the other hand, so called 'alternative therapists' have a larger } problem with patient, and therefore cash, flow, due to the minor } problem of their skills being utterly bogus and useless for anything. } Hence the necessity of staffing the reception desk with either a } buxom lovely, or a hunk to die for. } } In practice it works like this: Some poor soul blunders into the } 'alternative medicine' clinic thinking it is a bank or something. } They lay eyes on the gorgeous receptionist. Immediately they decide } that if that's what it takes to open a conversation, there's something } pretty drastically wrong with them that requires a long period of } treatment. The sucke^H^H^H^H^H patient then is sent through to the } 'therapist', who bounces crystals off a ping pong bat or whatever is } the current flavour of the month. } } 'alternative therapists' themselves have no problem with this status } quo. It is of course much easier to quote many examples of patients } who were completely healthy after a long, expensive, regime of colour } water pistol- cupuncture therapy if there was nothing wrong with them } in the first place. } } Therapists have taken a sort of inverse pride in the attractiveness of } their receptionists, which can be easily measured by the degradation } and pain of the 'treatment' they are prepared to endure, but still keep } coming back. A recent paper in the _Journal of Alternative Medicine } Studies That Willfully Ignore The Placebo Effect_ (which has limited } distribution due to it being printed only on hand-made, 'natural' } papyrus paper) for the first time analysed, and tabulated this effect. } } +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+ } | Chest Size | Most Severe Treatment With Multiple Visits | } | Muscle/Body Ratio | | } +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+ } | 34C 0.77 | Wild herb poultice with saffron tea | } +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+ } | 36C 0.81 | Crystals held under eyelids for two weeks | } +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+ } | 38D 0.84 | Bamboo Shoot Under The Fingernails-puncture | } +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+ } | 40DD 0.99 | Repeated enemas with live leeches at | } | | Stonehenge during the summer solstice | } +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+ } } You owe The Oracle two aspirin, to be delivered in the morning. --- 1128-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, your wings are broader than the heavens, your scales > shimmer like as many starlit diamonds. May your breath always be hotter > than three thousand suns, may your horns never leave your head. > > I need your help. It's because... Well, let me explain my story. > The other day, I was, you know, chasing in the mountains, when I met > her. It was Princess Llewelyn, from the castle in the valley. She was > bathing in a little lake not far from the Drakenberg, and upon seeing > her, I instantly fell in love with her. Oh, by the Egg, she has long, > blond hair... And her eyes! A green so deep you could drown in them. > Despite my natural shyness, I didn't hesitate for long: I dived into > the lake and told her what my heart felt for her. I think she was > touched, because she fainted. I delicately carried her to the shore, > and then that knight guy on his horse suddenly appeared from I don't > know where and, guess what? He charged me, shouting, "Let her go, you > monster!" Ah, shards of shell, I should have guessed she wasn't alone. > Pretty girls are never alone. I didn't want to fight, you know -- those > knight guys are always carrying lots of pointy things -- and I thus > took flight. But I can't forget her, she haunts my dreams, I want to > see her, I'm mad about her. But they won't let me approach the castle; > they even shoot arrows at me upon sight. > > Dear Oracle, I need your help. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry supplicant, I just can't answer this. Those medieval valour } oracularities simply dragon indefinitely. } } You owe The Oracle a lance. I've got a few boils that need seeing to. --- 1128-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most enlightened! > > What are black letter days? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Black Letter Days, better known as the Typeface Times, or the Font } Festival, is an annual celebration held in Cupertino, California to } celebrate the invention of the PostScript printer language. Each day } of the weeklong festival has events, contests and games that revolve } around the world of scalable fonts. } } Here's the schedule for next year's festival: } } Monday } } Black Letter Days opens in grand style with the day devoted to a } everyone's favorite font, 12 point Courier! Celebrate by bringing } the kids to the Font Festival Fairway, where they can play impossible } games to win cheap prizes. That evening, come to our beer tent where } REO Speedwagon will entertain (Must be 21, or have fake ID). } } Tuesday } } Tuesday is 10 point Garamond day! Come meet local weatherman Joe } Snow and enjoy a frosty malted beverage with Rick Springfield in our } beer tent! } } Wednesday } } Hump Day is represented by 14 point Times Roman. The Akron Shakespeare } Festival will be putting on "Romeo and Juliet" in the park. The beer } tent hosts Quiet Riot, with special guests Dokken. } } Thursday } } This is 72 Point Day. Everyone who brings a 72 point print sample gets } into the beer tent free to see Dokken with special guest Quiet Riot. } } Friday } } TGIF! Only in this cause, TGIF stands for Thank God It's Fontday! } Celebrate the font 18 point Arial by coming out to the beer tent to } see Warrant! } } Saturday } } It's 9 point Bertram day! Our last concert of Black Letter days } brings out the Monsters of Rock, Twisted Sister, with special guests } Cinderella and Winger joining them in the beer tent! } } Sunday } } Ghostscript celebration, Kiddie Parade, Closing Ceremonies, and } Fireworks } } So you see, Gentle Supplicant, Black Letter Days are an excuse to } get plowed and watch hair bands. Oh, yeah, and to have fireworks. } } You owe the Oracle a "Monster Ballads" CD. --- 1128-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > o wise Oracle please help me with another real pressing situation > My husband and I are having problems. weve been married for 18 > years I feel that he is dissappointed in myl parenting skills and > wifely duties. I always try to put everybody my family first, but he > says different. I feel that no matter what I do someone will be mad. > I feel like climbing in a hole or running away. But I know as soon > as I go there I would miss my sweetie. Everything is all messed up. > I don't know who I am or where I am going. I like doing metaphysics > in many different forms. It seems if only helps others but not me. > Please give me some dirrection. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, despite what you may have been told becoming the senator from } New York is not going to make your life easier. Oh sure, you'd get } to have some interns of your own. And yeah you might get to hob-nob } with the Big Kids, but in the end your problem will still be there... } unless...well...I mean, sheesh, you've gotten all the miles out of } him I think you're going to get. Why not just do what other women } do when they get a lemon? Sic a divorce lawyer on the scumbag. } } You owe the Oracle Eleanor Roosevelt's autograph on a mirror. --- 1128-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle, sir, I have an urgent question that needs an immediate > answer right now! > > What would have happened if Clive Sinclair had been in charge of > Microsoft? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am not a gender-specific oracle thank you very much! But to address } your question, } } 1976 Sir Clive codes BASIC smaller and tighter, and the Altair platform } becomes the widely accepted standard for small computers. } } 1977 The Altair captures 60 percent of the exploding computer market, } but Ed Roberts is enraged that other manufacturers are making } peripherals, and destroys the company's facility with a homemade } surface-to-surface missile based on the MOS 6502 chip. } } Sir Clive licenses BASIC to Apple and PET, both of which become } formidable workstations for the high-end market. } } 1978 Sir Clive dumps the "really quite stone-age" Microsoft Basic in } 1978, inventing a new language called the Highly Optimized Programming } Environment, or HOPE. HOPE is cheap and revolutionary, and immediately } purchased by all schools in England in preference over the government's } offering, Parliament of the United Kingdom Educational Use Programming } System, or PUKEUPS. The Home Secretary testifies before the House } of Commons that no one noticed what the acronym spelled. } } 1980 Sir Clive envisions the computer for the consumer, and begins } producing software for his next-generation operting system, High } Yield Programming Environment, or HYPE. The system will be designed } to run multiple programs at once, and to respond to voice commands. } He estimates that it will take at least 18 months to develop. } } Sinclair is criticized for problems with the latest version of HOPE } (HOPE-Z2), including a tendency to erase itself when the cassette } is jiggled. } } 1981 IBM adopts HOPE as its operating system for the IBM PC. Sir Clive } grants them full license over that version of the software, eliminating } any chance of viable revenue stream from it. } } 1982 HOPE QZX-3 is released, which can support 32-bit hardware } (although none exists commercially), and high-res color graphics. } Consumers are slow to adopt the system, citing "features" like complete } incompatibility with the previous operating system, and dvorak-only } keyboard support. Sir Clive presses on. } } The as-yet unreleased HYPE environment is acquiring features such as } the "rotunda" which lets users view multiple applications, each with } its own "application door." } } 1983 Sir Clive is dismayed at the use of his software for } "entertainment" use, and promises that this will be remedied in the } next release. The public is baffled. He focuses his energy on a } secret project known only as "that secret project of Clive's." } } 1984 Sir Clive is miffed that Apple beat him to the punch with the } GUI, and vows that HYPE will be released this year. } } Late in the year, the New Operating and Program Environment (NOPE) } is released, which merges features of HYPE into HOPE, with the result } that it is almost unusable. The fact that the OS cannot run programs } that have the word "game" in the title discourages young users from } migrating. } } 1985 Sir Clive releases his long-awaited "secret project," which } turns out to be a line of battery-powered personal helicopters. } } 1986 The wild success of Apple's Macintosh confirms for Sir Clive } that HYPE is on the right track, and he promises a new, firm release } date of late 1987. } } 1987 Nothing happens. Really. } } 1988 The Microsoft name is sold to Amstrad in late Q3 to pay for the } prescient but ill-concieved helicopter plan. } } 1989 Amstrad ditches HYPE and releases slightly-updated versions of } NOPE for the Atari, Amiga, and Acorn platforms. } } 1990 Amstrad disappears lock, stock, and barrel, and is never heard } from again, and no records can be found that it ever existed. } } 1991 Macintosh OS (49%)and IBM's OS/2(35%) constitute 84% of the } small-computer OS market. } } 1992 Steve Jobs releases the top-secret port of MacOS to the intel } platform. Superior stability and greater market penertation for } software begin the slide toward's Apple's dominance in the field. } Steve Wozniak speaks very rudely to Steve Jobs and severs all official } ties to the company. } } 1993 Federal officials block the planned acquisition of Intuit by } Apple. Apple is accused of pressuring OEMs to ship MacOS on all of } their machines. } } 1994 IBM, struggling to maintain an 11% share of the PC market, } tries to get Clive Sinclair involved with their next-generation OS. } Sir Clive is very busy with miniaturizing solar-powered dogwalking } machines, and turns the offer down. } } 1995 Apple is accused of unfair trade practices by the Justice } Department. The press questions Steve Jobs on the whereabouts of } Woz. It is rumored that Woz has performed an act of ritual suicide. } He emerges from his extremely large house in Northern California and } tells the press he has been hiking his yard for a few weeks and not } been near a phone. } } 1996 Steve Jobs is the richest man on earth, but lives in a custom } fully-armored porsche. Woz has just purchased the boards of education } of six western states, including california, with hopes of turning } them around. } } 1997 To avoid the risk of anti-trust litigation, Apple purchases } a minority interest in IBM and tries to revive interest in OS/2. } Guy Kawasaki is arrested for the attempted murder of Steve Jobs. } Kawasaki was calm in his statement,saying "the people at PARC warned us } this might happen, that one of the team might turn to the dark side. } I had to do this because of my love of the Mac and all that it once } stood for." Kawasaki was assisted in his escape from a California } mental hospital by a guerilla group of some kind. His whereabouts } have never been determined. } } 1998 Apple is sued by Cuisinart for integrating a food processor into } every Apple computer. "We're only doing what customers want," Jobs } said at a press conference. "Everybody has to eat, we already make the } software that runs the food processor, so we think slicer integration } is a very logical step in the development of personal computing. } } A little-known UNIX-based system begins to gain popularity among } technical types. Apple moves to crush the movement in the press, } and the Finnish originator of the system mysteriously disappears } while going out for a bite to eat. } } 1999 The federal courts rule that Apple is a monopoly, but can't seem } to print any of the documents that would enforce a commercial breakup. } Attorney General Geoffery Fieger loses part of a finger on a reboot, } and investigations continue... } } } The oracle asks that you burn a Next computer on the altar, while } chanting "Sir Clive full of grace..." --- 1128-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, inverse of the Noracle, and distant cousin of the > Nandicle, please tell me... > > Is shaving with an electric razor that much better than shaving with a > safety razor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, let me explain this one more time: } } The Aoracle answers questions about blood vessels near the heart. } The Boracle answers questions about tunneling. } The Coracle answers questions about obscure British oaths. } The Doracle answers questions about entrances. } The Eoracle answers questions about donkeys. } The Foracle answers questions about purposes } The Goracle answers questions about whose party it is, whose turn it is } to cry, and who owns whom. } The Horacle answers questions about Lisa's professional life. } The Ioracle answers questions about whether it's you, or . . . . } The Joracle answers questions about Brooklynese mandibles. } The KOracle answers questions about why so many boxing matches go the } distance. } The Loracle answers questions about Data's brother. } The Moracle answers follow-up questions. } The Noracle answers questions about shaving. (the anagram got screwed } up) } The Oracle, that's Me, handles everything not covered here. Side note: } the reasoning here is that among dieties, the brevity of your name } indicates your rank. So Q is higher than Ra is higher than God is } higher than Zeus is higher than Shiva, etc. } The Poracle answers questions about acne. He gets the highest number } of questions, other than Me. } The Quoracle makes sure that all of the others ore in attendence, just } like in the Senate or House. He is the lowest among Us, for the } reason stated above. } The Roracle answers questions about Rory B. Bellows, Rory Calhoun, } and other people infrequently appearing on The Simpsons. } The Soracle answers questions about flying, and also handles the } complaints department. } The Toracle answers questions about the bald star of "Plan 9 From Outer } Space," "Bride of the Monster," and "The Beast of Yucca Flats." } The Uoracle answers questions about the same thing as the Ioracle. } The Voracle answers questions about very-high-frequency omnidirectional } radio range. } The Woracle answers questions about peoples worries. } The Xoracle answers questions about silly names of fantasy serieses. } The Yoracle answers questions about times gone by. } The Zoracle answers questions about misspellings of Zot. } And lastly, the ^C^Voracle answers questions about lists where the first } part of each item has been cut and pasted. Any problems with this } answer should go to Him. } } So if you've been paying attention, you'll know which one to go to with } your question. That's right, right next door. } } You owe the Oracle a british made map of Racletown. That is to say, } an A-Z. --- 1128-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I apply my job description (which I've never seen) to my > Organization's Mission Statement (which nobody understands)? > > P.S. I have to present my findings at a meeting in five hours. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Use ready-made prose. Here's a sample. Use it, or change it to suit } your needs. } } In this crucial time, it is imperative that all of us understand the } implications of every action. I am not the only one who needs to tailor } performance to the tasks at hand. We all must strive together to press } in the direction that our Mission Statement leads us. (show chart) } } + A } + B / } + \ / } + \ / } + \ / } ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ } } When the Mission Statement points us towards A, the person who works } with zeal but towards B is worse than lazy, for he drags us from our } Mission. In every aspect of my job, I always ensure that I am working } towards A. Any questions? } } You owe the Oracle a report of your presentation. --- 1128-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Culinary Oracle, who has many fish to fry, > > Is it true that, pound for pound, the tuna is heavier than > any other fish of equal weight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: Sam Clam's Disco, about a half-hour after closing time. The } band members are crowded around a table, relaxing after another } successful evening. } } JABBERJAW: That Wanda was in again tonight, did you see? Whoo-ee! I } wouldn't mind spawning upstream of HER eggs. } SEBASTIAN: I hear you, mon. Dat gal got a tail on her! } CHARLIE: [contemptuously] Psschh! } SEBASTIAN: Ay, what's da matter with you? } CHARLIE: Don't you guys ever talk about anything else? "She's so hot! } Check out the scales on that one! Hey baby, wanna spawn?" You } should take a look around you once in a while. } JABBERJAW: I do, man, that's how I spotted Wanda! } [Sebastian and Jabberjaw high-five each other.] } CHARLIE: I'm talking about the WORLD, man! The environment, the very } water we live in is slowly turning to poison, and all you guys } want to talk about is what riverbed you'll be sleeping in tonight. } JABBERJAW: Yo, dude, you been tokin' Sebastian's seaweed? } CHARLIE: I'm talking about junked nuclear warships leaching } radioactive waste in the North Pacific.* A 4800-square-mile patch } of the Gulf of Mexico that doesn't have enough oxygen in the water } to support life.^ Heck, I was talkin' to Flipper the other day, } he said that even the noise levels are getting so high that he } can't navigate near shore these days.+ } SEBASTIAN: So what you want us to do about it mon? You comin' over } all "save the whales," but I don' hear no ideas, eh? You can't do } not'ing about it. } CHARLIE: You gotta get informed, man! Get informed, then go inform } other people! No, I can't do anything myself, but get enough of } us together and we can! But you just keep on spawning and don't } pay attention, and you're gonna end up like the Atlantic cod--in } 30 years, their population has dropped 70 percent.~ They keep } spawning, and they're still dying off. } JABBERJAW: Yeah, but what a way to go! } } You owe the Oracle the latest Hootie and the Blowfish CD, and a glance } at the sources: } } *"Russian Armada poisons the seas," Insight on the News 15(25), July } 5-12, 1999, pp. 14-16. } ^"Death in the Gulf of Mexico," National Wildlife 37(4), June/July } 1999, p. 48 } +"Seismic, other sound at issue in deepwater Gulf of Mexico," Oil & } Gas Journal 97(37), Sep 13, 1999, pp. 105-106 } ~"Trouble in Earth's liquid heart," International Wildlife 29(5), } Sep/Oct 1999, p. 28 --- 1128-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh super-nifty Oracle, who would never castrate his supplicants in the > hope of passing them off as aliens... > > I was sitting around the house the other day, trying to think of a way > to MAKE $$$ FAST!!!, when I had a flash of inspiration. Why not start > my very own cult? I mean, why should L. Ron Hubbard and Amway have all > the fun? It wouldn't be anything as fancy as the operation you > currently run, of course, but I figure it would be nice enough to at > least buy me that Porsche I've had my eye on. So my question is: what > should I do to get started? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Simple! Just print and fill out the following form, and mail it along } with a check for $199.95 (plus additional charges, see below) to: } } Internet Oracle, Inc. (Department of Insanity, Cults, and Religion) } 1 Oracle Way } Bloomington, IN 47405 } } Within 6-8 weeks, Internet Oracle, Inc. will provide you with your } very own cult! But hurry, as this limited-time offer ends soon! } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } Form #34HF896739675-NUT-9 } (Special cult/religion order form) } } 1. GENERAL } } Name of cult: ________________________________________________________ } Name of leader: _______________________ Initial members (max 50): ___ } Creepy new name of leader: ___________________________________________ } Address (billing) : __________________________________________________ } Address (shipping): __________________________________________________ } } Please indicate the type of cult you would prefer: } ( ) Apocalyptic doomsday. } Please specify date of doomsday: ________ *REAL* date: _______ } Real, final, actual, One True date(s): ________________________ } ( ) Racial supremacist. } Please specify Superior/Inferior race(s): _________/___________ } ( ) New-age nature-worshipping nudist. } ( ) Multi-level marketing pusher. } ( ) "One True" variant of existing religion. } Please specify religion: ______________________________________ } ( ) New major world religion. ($99.95 service charge may apply. Please } allow an additional 1-2 millennia for delivery.) } ( ) Other (specify): _________________________________________________ } } Please indicate your primary aim in starting your cult: } ( ) Money. } ( ) Power. } ( ) Sex. } ( ) Martyrdom. (Please specify mode of death:) } ( ) Crucifixion. } ( ) BATF/FBI siege. } ( ) Holy war. } ( ) Forced usage of new deja.com interface. } ( ) Other (Quick, painless). } ( ) Other (Slow, painful, and gruesome). } } 2. DICHOTOMIES } } Please indicate what your cult is to unquestioningly worship: } ( ) Peace, love, and understanding. } ( ) Violence, hatred, and closed-mindedness. } ( ) Alcohol, tobacco, and firearms. } ( ) You. } ( ) Large interplanetary chunks of ice. } ( ) Other (specify): _________________________________________________ } } Please indicate what your cult is to unquestioningly hate: } ( ) Members of the __________ ( ) race. } __________ ( ) religion. } __________ ( ) political party. } ( ) The Government(TM). } ( ) Microsoft(R). (Get a special 10% discount off all services!) } ( ) Barney, Teletubbies, etc. } ( ) They / Them. } ( ) All non-believers. } ( ) All humanity. } ( ) Other (specify): _________________________________________________ } } 3. DIVINE INTERVENTION } } Please indicate any miracle(s) you would like your followers to } witness. (Additional charges apply.) } } Qty. Miracle(s) Charge: } ____ ( ) Resurrection. (See "Martyrdom", above.) $299.95 } ____ ( ) Virgin birth. $399.95 } ____ ( ) Saturday night live being funny again. $559.95 } ____ ( ) Windows(R) running for more than 16 $619.95 } consecutive hours. } ____ ( ) Usenet flamewar ending in apology. $999.95 } } Please indicate any natural disaster(s) you would like to occur, and } on what date(s). (Additional charges apply.) } } Date(s): Disaster(s): Charge: } _________ ( ) Earthquake. (Magnitude: __.__) $365.95 } _________ ( ) Hurricane. (Category: ___) $299.95 } _________ ( ) Plague of locusts. $ 49.95 (Sale!) } _________ ( ) Alien invasion. $429.95 } _________ ( ) deja.com upgrade. Free! } _________ ( ) Planetary destruction. $999.95 (Special offer: } HALF OFF on January 1st, 2000! Hurry, offer ends soon!) } } BONUS OFFER: Respond within the next month and receive special } discounts on Oracle Premium(R) Brand anthrax spores, } Sarin nerve gas, plutonium, and low-fat apple pudding!!! } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } You owe the Oracle $199.95 (plus all of your worldly possessions S&H).