From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sat Dec 4 11:19:43 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id KAA16595; Sat, 4 Dec 1999 10:47:51 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 10:47:51 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199912041547.KAA16595@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1130 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1130 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1130 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 10:47:51 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1130 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1125 81 votes bimka 6cqqb 5ffsi 5dtnb 3fwm9 dvq74 7emoe 5hqgh ainl9 hloc7 1125 3.1 mean 3.0 3.3 3.5 3.3 3.2 2.5 3.3 3.3 3.0 2.6 --- 1130-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you walkin' on sunshine? > > Wouldn't that hurt your feet a lot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, yes it DOES, actually. That's why I only said I was TRYING to } feel good. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of moon boots. --- 1130-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most far out, who is sometimes called Maurice, > Would you speak on the pompatus of love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracles "Pompatus Of Love" (as Lisa likes to call it) is of } truly impressive proportions. In fact, when Lisa first saw it, she } was skeptical. "It's so huge, Orrie", she exclaimed, "You'll never } fit all of it in ...... bit I'm willing to try". } } Later, when she'd been proven wrong, and we lay gasping on the floor, } she expressed her amazement. "It must be at least 3 metres long, } how the hell did we get it up the stairs, and around that tight turn } in the hallway ?" This, of course, was when The Oracle was but an } acolyte, and was living in a rather cramped student apartment on } the lower slopes of Mount Olympus. It was not prime real-estate, } one of the lesser Gods of Thunder lived upstairs, and the noise and } constant dampness were a bit of a problem. } } The rather moth-eaten sofa (or Pompatus as they were known in those } days) that had been leant to me by my step-uncle Baccus was only } slightly shorter than the long axis of the room, but it was a great } improvement on the rather hard wooden benches my cousin Aries had } looted from the seige of Sparta. } } That evening, Lisa and I snuggled up on the new Pompatus and ..... } well, that's another story. Suffice to say that some items of } furniture have sentimental value. } } You owe The Oracle a visit to www.kissthisguy.com --- 1130-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who can twist reality to his liking, creating that > which he finds pleasing, and smiting that which he does not, tell me: > > How do you kill an in-joke? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With an out-joke like this: } } Okay, you're going to love this, it's really funny. These two guys go } into a bar, you know, a place where they serve drinks. So one of them } says, this is funny, he says "Bartender, give me a Whiskey Sour, easy } on the sour." Oh, by the way, I know you're going to love this. Anyway, } the other guy says, "What do you mean, easy on the sour?" Because } Whiskey Sour is made with Whiskey and some sour juice, I think it's } like lemon juice, I forget. And the first guy goes, like, "Whoa, dude, } it's just the way I like my drink!" So the second guy, says something } else, I forget what, but the bartender looks at him like he's crazy. So } the second guy looks back at him, and goes, "You got a problem with } that?" And the bartender thinks it's really funny, because the monkey } is standing behind him! Oh yeah there was a monkey and a horse in the } bar, and they were standing behind these guys. Anyway, the monkey looks } at the horse, sort of like "are these guys alright?! } " And the horse, this is the funny part, okay, you're going to like } this. The horse says "Neigh!" So the first guy just starts laughing, } and then he takes off the dress he was wearing! He just takes it off } right there! Do you get it? He had this dress, but the horse says } "Neigh," so he takes it off! Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, and the other guy says } something, I forget what, and that's when the clowns started washing } the windows. See, the windows were really dirty -- or something like } that, maybe it was the floor, because of the monkey and the horse, but } anyway they had to bring these big buckets, and that's when the horse } says "Neigh" and the guy takes off the dress. See, I knew you would } love this. --- 1130-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most frequently paged while in the restroom Oracle, > > If all purchases are made over the Internet in the future > where will teenagers hangout if there are no malls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Chat rooms, until the management starts including Lawrence Welk MIDI } files to drive them out. --- 1130-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yes, my precious, we will find this Oracle, and ask *him* about our > birthday present. [golump] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go answer your phone. I think someone's giving you a ring. --- 1130-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Mostly Wise, > > What ever happened to "fuzzy logic"? I thought it was > supposed to have taken over the computer world by now. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only sort of. --- 1130-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie most mystical! > > I've had the fourth oracularity in four of my five digestions in a > string of six consecutive digests. Can this be the seventh oracularity > in the eighth digest within this series of digests? (#1130-07, btw.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Naw. You're getting too arrogant already. } } You owe the Oracle a nice hot humble pie. --- 1130-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > : The Internet Oracle is pondering your question. > : > : Expect an answer in a day or two. > > Agh! Not again! That's thebloody fsckingseventh onethismorning! > Savemeplease! AttackoftheMondayMorningQueueDrainer!NO! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Oracle is not pondering your question. } } The Internet Oracle is attending the bachelor party of an old college } roommate. The Internet Oracle is feeding frustrated supplicants to } Cerberus, who has good heads on his shoulder. The Internet Oracle is on } hold with tech support (and He isn't sure how they got His number). The } Internet Oracle is arranging flowers for fun and profit. The Internet } Oracle is this many years old--in Oracle Years, that is. The Internet } Oracle is picking up a bucket of chicken at KFC. The Internet Oracle } just made a volcano out of hairpins and a handful of clay. The Internet } Oracle knows the truth behind the Santa Claus myth and thinks reindeer } are tasty when cooked properly. The Internet Oracle just zotted Dr. } Dean Edell for no reason. The Internet Oracle was aiming for Dr. Laura. } The Internet Oracle is adjusting the sights on the Staff of Zot with a } pair of pliers. The Internet Oracle saw "Joseph and the Amazing } Technicolor Dreamcoat" and wasn't impressed since He feels technicolor } dreamcoats went out of fashion 142 years ago. The Internet Oracle knew } John Kennedy and you, supplicant, are no John Kennedy. The Internet } Oracle will be back soon, so leave a message after the tone. } } But the Internet Oracle is not pondering your question. } } You owe the Oracle a napkin. --- 1130-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise is the Oracle, > > I saw an ad that said Dodge trucks were RAM tough. Does that mean that > they forget everything they were doing if the power goes down? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, and that in the end there is never enough room for whatever } thing you want to load on them. --- 1130-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle is the Most Clever Denizen of The El Worlds, Senior Citizen > in Thought and Deed among the Immortals, Blue Clad Denim Deity on > Casual Frey-Days. . . All who are in the know worship the Oracle's > every syllable. > > Will the anchors of the major news outlets ever notice that they have > become self parodying and irrelevant? > > Thank you Wise Oracle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Keep this under your hat, but *all* current news anchors - or rather, } News Anchors! (TM) are actually constructed by the Walt Disney } Anamatronics Unit in Cupertino, California. The last LIVE news } anchor was Dan Rather, who was finally hunted down in the famous } "What's the Frequency, Kenneth" episode. } } In fact, Rather was killed and replaced with Dan Rather! (TM) - } construct number LS66122. The actual job of news anchor is far too } tedious a job for a sentient being. } } Since we're divulging Illuminati secrets anyway, keep your eyes peeled } for some of the other Illuminati-sponsored anamatronic replacements } you probably suspected, including: } } Congressperson (Model TT10034) } Angst-ridden Alternative-Band Singer (Model JX91245) } Internet Expert (Model OI47312) } Soccer Mom (Model JM54468) } } There was a lot of overproduction in the mid-90s, thus the reason } there are so many of these constructs roaming free throughout America. } } NOTE: If you suspect you are dealing with a construct, try a quick, } sharp tap behind the right ear. A construct will go into debug mode } and begin reciting a litany of profanity (which will appear to be } directed at you) - debug mode can be turned off with a much harder } blow to the same location. } } You owe the Oracle some WD-40